Normal

It's monday December 27th......I can't believe it!!!! Where has the time gone?  We had a great Christmas.  It was very hard on me for some reason.  I don't dwell on the negatives of Marshall's condition but this Christmas I guess it was in the back of my head ..... "the...what if it's the last...."  so mad!!!!!! but on Christmas morning I got up and I shook it off and enjoyed the time with all of us.  We had Brian's family over for dinner.....it was a great time.  Lot's of laughs....missed my Brother in law crash down on the floor in one of our kitchen chairs......LOL poor guy!!!!!  I tried to forget about Marshall's cancer and not talk about it.   I would answer questions bc of course your family is going to ask "how is he" etc...so I answered, but was glad it wasn't the main topic and didn't get morbid......

I think we are all entitled to being able to not focus on this disease all the time.  We do have a life outside of this disease.  I think we all agree that it doesn't make us who we are or rule our lives (well, it kinda does, but not to the extent that we let it control us)  I think it's so important to move on......so what you got cancer, so what it very well can kill you, so what it will determine things in the household........you can't change or go backwards....move on!!!!!!! You waste so much time thinking of the negatives that you are going to waste the precious time God has given you on this earth.  We don't even know how this whole thing is going to turn out.  It could be months, it could be years, it could be never........WE DON'T KNOW  so why waste all this precious time, keeping it in the forefront of your mind and bring others down with you.

I personally don't want to be around people that want to focus on the negative of Marshall's cancer.  I want to laugh and smile still.  I want to enjoy what time I have here.

Some people thrive on depressing topics and focus on the bad stuff....but all of here in this household......sorry we don't do that.  Get out of our way if you want to be like that.  Thank goodness we aren't like that.......man, that would so suck.....seriously......think about it....LOL

Do people not realize that we have thought about the worst.....hell, I am his mother....I don't need to be reminded of the possibilities......why would you do that......are you trying to torture me?  Seriously!!!!!!!!  Is there no compassion?  Why not be there for us.....why not be strong of us when and if we get weak.  Who takes care of us when we are down?  Why do we always have to be strong for everyone else? 

We have scans for Marshall tomorrow.......we have appointments starting at 10:30 and the last one is at 4:15 i think...so allllll day at the hospital......and such.  We are Re-staging Marshall.  We are going to look at how the Chemo has worked........I haven't even thought of the possibilities of it not working......I really haven't.  I believe they have and looking for a miracle.  I am hoping they can't even find his tumors......but if they are still there.....no problem......!!!!  Still shooting for the miracle....LOL  Never give up!!!!!  So we are holding our breath and won't release it til tomorrow night when we meet with Marshall's Surgeon and find out what she sees and how she is going to do Marshall's pelvic bone surgery.  Darn curious about that.....all the Ischium bone or part of it.....why no replacement....etc

People tell me all the time "I can't imagine what you are going thru"  and I know that and I pray none of you ever have to either.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  It is cruel disease, but I don't need you to know what I/We are going thru.  What I/We need is your prayers and support.  We still are the same people with the same amount of kids, with all our crazy issues......and loud kids.  We haven't changed a bit.  We are normal folks that love to still have a blast.....and I still want to go dancing.......it doesn't matter and I know everyone knows that.......I guess what I am trying to say is that I/We don't want to be treated any different.  We don't walk on egg shells or break easy.....We are strong timbers that can carry alot of weight.  We will get thru this as a family and survive this wrath.  There will be storms and I think some large ones are headed our way but I can't focus on what I do not know yet.  Why worry about it?  Right now we are good, I am good (or so I think....LOL) and I have things to do........

I had a woman come up to me after Mass yesterday.  She said I didn't know her, but she had always admired our family and how well behaved the kids were and all.  Then she heard about Marshall and said she has been praying for us and just wanted to let me know that people I don't even know are praying for all of us.  Things like that mean to world to me....I just wanted to give her a huge hug!!!!!!! It was exactly what I needed.  That is what is awesome about our faith.  No matter where you are...who you are.......Marshall's name is said across this world and is having Masses, Rosaries, and prayers said daily.......it is an awesome thing.....when you realize you are not the one that calls the shots......you are helpless and must rely on something greater than you....it is Our Lord and the Blessed Mother is here with us at all times.  I feel her embrace and love the fact that she is my mother too.  I relied on her so much when I moved here being 8 months pregnant with #2.  Leaving my family was the hardest thing I have ever done....I cried many times in the beginning but knew I wasn't alone and it was thanks to the Blessed Mother that I got thru it.  I didn't have my mother there physically but I did have my spiritual mother....and her embrace is stronger than anything I have ever felt.  I am glad I know her and sometimes forget she is there, but she is there no matter what!  You just have to ask.

We don't ask anymore......we need to remember all the angels and saints are up there just waiting to be asked for prayers.....we have so much but we sometimes forget that.

Merry Christmas all of you.......

Christmas!

Well, we are home from the hospital and thank goodness.  That was the longest hospital stay ever!!!! it just seemed to drag on and on.....and boring....ugh!  Marshall had some rough spots as usual with this round of Chemo.  It makes his blood pressure drop and we have to give it extra slow for him.....he did have a couple of blackout moments, and got sick a couple of times....one bc of the meds he was taking and then when he had his last dizzzy spell he did get sick just a little....nothing was really in there.....

Yesterday was Elizabeth's Birthday!!!! Marshall and I raced home and got home at 5:10 to be exact....LOL.....and we got invited to a Christmas dinner that Cortland Finnegan put on for his foundation.  We we got all ready and jammed out of there......but when we got there....it's hard seat 9 souls together with a function like that.  It is a wonderful thing he is doing for LLS and all...so we left and went to the Plan B.....Plan A was homemade tacos.....but we were gonna come home too late and all....so Plan B was put into action....go to Nachos for some Tacos....but then Plan C arrived.....LOL!  It was a good night.  Late but good....It was trivia night....so Marshall called us the Big 9....we ended up getting 2nd place....LOL!!!!  Did presents and cake then i went to bed.

i think i got about 2 hours of sleep Monday night.  His last round of Chemo started at 1 and man, those machines don't like the Chemo....we call it the Champagne Chemo......lots of bubbles......Marshall wanted to sleep in my bed (couch) and i slept in his...man, it worked out better with the buttons for me to push to notify the nurses that "it's beeping"  those beeps became part of my dreams....and i would be having a dream of beeping and then realize...it's beeping so turned around and found my little button....the nurses stopped asking what was wrong but then one got on there...and spoke really loud and said more than 8 words...and i really didn't need that right now....i know she was being nice and all and polite, but look at the time.....it's almost morning at this point...well close to it....ugh!!!!!

Marshall slept til about 1 in the afternoon and he had no clue....bless his heart.  he got a transfusion which is good.  he didn't necessarily need it but was gonna need it by this weekend and they thought since his counts have already dropped and haven't even left the hospital  and this weekend they are going to to......so lets do it.....

it's Christmas on Saturday!!!!!! Maybe now, i can slow down and think about it.  Maybe not....got so much to do to unclutter this mind of mine.  House duties and children.......lots and lots of clothes....always have more clothes to wash on Chemo weekends....with Marshall you have to wash everything he brought.......wants all smells of hospital out!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas and enjoy one another!  Lets remember that the little stuff is not worth arguing over, and the big stuff will work out in time.  Have faith in the Lord and He will get you through this.  Just know.........He doesn't have a watch.....time means nothing to Him!!!!!!!!!  So, hang in there and stay faithful.......He loves you very much and will only give you what you can handle.  If Our Lord chooses to give you a heavy cross........bare it with a smile.  Yes you can cry at times....that's life....we are not perfect....but remember you are not the only one, you are not alone, and our only goal is Heaven.....that's it...plain and simple.  Some of us may get there sooner, and some of us may have an easier journey, but there have been those that have had it a lot worse.  So take your cross and carry it!  Don't complain or try to beat someone out with your issues....no fun....and really don't want to hear it.  I don't have time for that nor do i care.  I am not in a battle to see whose is worst....you can have it.......I will share with you, but if you start to try to beat me out....I will stop it right there and just give it to you with a smile (you don't want to know what i am thinking....LOL)

Christ had the ultimate sacrafice..........and on Saturday will be the beginning of the journey~

God Bless, Mary Keep and St Joseph Guide You

it's time

You know, I was wondering how long it would take me to fall apart!!!! Well, I think I am close to my breaking point....and guess what!!!!!????  It's the last Chemo.....for about 5 weeks.....so, see....perfect timing....God just knows how to do it, huh!  Why don't more people trust in Him?  Why do they think they know more than Him.....

Of course, I am not literally falling apart....but i am stretched mentally, emotionally and physically right now.  I guess lack of sleep doesn't help those matters much at all.  I just want to crawl in a whole and not come out for about 3 weeks.  i really don't want to do anything but sit/lay in my bed......for a long time......that's how and what i really want to do. 

the poor kids are stressed...i'm stressed....daddy is stressed......and marshall is really bored right now.....LOL at the Chemo Inn.  poor guy...no where to go....but he will just say "aaahhhh"  i will ask what's wrong....he will tell me 'i'm bored'  then he kinda moves on.....LOL

I feel so out of control it's not even funny! it's really not.  i like to be somewhat organized and in control.  i am not a control freak...but when i have Chemo weekends and it's my turn to come home and spend the night.....lets just say........everyone wants to rRUNNNNNNNNNN really far away....from me.  all i want to do is get out of my hospital infected clothes, and hang with the kids....kinda decompress from the hospital....can i?  what do you think....nope...i spend my time getting the organized with kids.....the kitchen.....ugh!

today, i am home for a bit bc i have to take patrick to the doctor.  his knee is really, really swollen......and i have to get it looked at.  i really don't want to go......but i have to.  this thing with him comes and goes.......so, he gets better and then i don't have to deal with it, but this is the worst it has been so going to go see.......you have to remember you have 6 other kids that need doctor appointments......crap!!!!  you mean i gotta do that toooooooo!!!!!! aren't i already at clinic or hospital enough?  of course i am gonna do it....but i wonder if they will want to do an X Ray?  ugh!  that is where it all started with Marshall.........i know Patrick will be fine....but mentally i go back to that exact day.........and i can remember it all....the beginning of this....even though i didn't know it was the beginning..for some reason, that day will live on in my head and anytime i think of an X Ray (my doc. wanted to give me one for my wrist and elbow different sides....one arm has the sore wrist and the other has the sore elbow...LOL....she asked if i wanted an X Ray and she said she didn't blame me if i didn't bc of all that was going on.  i said NOPE)  and he is going to Marshall's doctor today......LOL!  he is a great doctor and so glad that we have him.  Marshall has loved him.

i have a daughter that has a birthday tomorrow.....and then Christmas.......like i said....just wanna wake up in three weeks and i will be good to go.  Elizabeth really doesn't know what she wants for he Bday, so...gonna have to wing it she said she would think about it today.....hmmmm.....think i am gonna or brian go today and get stuff.  we will hopefully get out of hospital tomorrow afternoon......come home and either start on dinner for her (she wants homemade tacos like colin did) or we will buy some....poor thing.  she understands.....that's what's good about having good kids, they are wonderful about situations and all.  they understand and let me tell you they are forgiving........children really remind you of how much we struggle with attaining Heaven.  you look at them.....and see how far you are from that......at least God gave us little graces all around us to daily and constantly remind and help us.  of course they are not always angels.......but i am not talking about those parts.

kids are kinda having a hard time with all of this. i am seeing attitudes come out......more whining (which in my book when i am at the hospital and some other parent/friend is taking care of them....so embarrassing)  i did not raise my kids to behave like that.  granted it's not all the time, but still it's a shock to your system when faced with this and i struggle with letting it go or what.  what can i do?  i am not there when it happens?  so, little late, and then i really don't hear about it either til one of the kids tell me.......GREAT!  just what i need. 

i know that Sean is having a hard time.  he wants to crawl back into my womb....LOL  as a baby he would roll into a ball around my stomach.  brian would laugh and joke that he wanted back in......well, he is now almost 7 (next month) and he is doing it again.  so i am trying as is brian to hug and love on them more.  you see all the little ways the things are coming out in each of the kids.  you know they said it would affect the whole family and i knew we were not exempt, but i did wonder how and when it would come.  we are all doing the best we can.  we really are, but you can tell it's really coming to the surface to what it is doing to us.  i have to admit we are blessed with everything and it could be worse,  so i will take this....compared to how it could have come out etc.....thanks to all the prayers and Masses said throughout the world for Marshall and us......that is what is keeping this family together....yes, we have some strings coming loose, but they are just loose and we will tighten those no problem.  brian and i have a grip on all of the threads and working our way back to weaving it back in.  you have to have the parents together emotionally and mentally or you can't win this.  you can't keep a hold of it all.  i see that sense this has happened brian and i are really latching onto one another.......thank goodness!!!!!!!!!  we have become even stronger.....didn't think we could, but anyway.......our hands are strong and we are holding htis blanket...we each have two corners.....we see the threads, and we grab them and do our best to weave it back in.  we will conquer this.  we will become a whole family soon.  we will just need to hold on a little longer.  we are almost there, and i know it's gonna get harder before it gets better, but we have eachother and Our Lord and that is what is gonna get us through this.  Just please continue to pray for the family as a whole!  i think that is so important.  Some forget that Marshall has parents and 6 other siblings......they are in need of prayers too.  but i think......really i think everyone is praying for the family....so, take that back....brain fart.....on my part.

I have a Bestest Friend

I have been married for 18 years (man, can't believe it's been that long.....Dang) and just have realized to the extent of my husband's and my relationship....He is my Bestest Friend!!! I don't know what I would do without him....there are many times I want to murder  him....LOL but in the end....NAW!  I think I will keep him....LOL.  Seriously now, going thru all this with Marshall puts a huge toll on you personally.  The things that need to be done, the emotions you go thru, the lack of hmmmm lets.....seee.........well, everything.......really gets to you sometimes...and you need someone who is there for you to listen (but you really don't realize that).  Well, Brian and I have had many a conversations in bed....we could be watching TV and then all of a sudden, one of us will bring something up, or ask a question, or something.....well, there goes the night.....LOL!  We can talk for hours.

Gosh, if I didn't have that/this right now I don't think I could go thru this with all that is going on.  Of course, I appreciated and loved Brian with all I have before, but I guess you don't think about (well I didn't really) the friendship of it all.  I could not live my life if I knew I couldn't talk to Brian forever.  I can't/couldn't imagine not hanging out with him everyday.  He has become so much apart of me, that it's like I would die bc something was taken out of me.  Anyway, I know this is stupid and all.....but for some reason it just dawned on me lately....I just love that guy so much and appreciate him...and how we can go to lunch and just "BE"  just the fact that you are with eachother is a comfort......it's funny with something so minute....can be such a positive basis of your marriage!

Well, Marshall is having his 6th Chemo round......he is so excited bc this is the last of the first phase of his treatment.  He will get a 3 week break.....before surgery.  Brian stayed over bc I had to shadow at work yesterday, and I didn't have time to pack.....hate being a girl....LOL

I was jammin to music last night.....and called a friend that I haven't spoken to what...maybe 30 years.....can you believe it....We will chat on facebook and I looked for her last night on there......and I was soooo bummed.....so, I messaged her and she told me to call.....so....I did.....man!  talk about friendship......so many years ago, then she leaves school and you never see/talk to her again......then now, years later, married, kids.....I am out of state and poof......I call her.....and it was as though no time has gone by.......we talked about "do you remember....him....her......."  memory lane....man, and how small of a world this is.  Her friendships with some that I went to school with.  It was so nice to talk.  I know that she has always offered for me to call anytime and I have said the same to her on facebook.....but I was always so scared to call....LOL....it's like....what do I say?  Will I say something wrong.....LOL  you know....since it has been so long.....man!!! but it was again like a said...awesome.  I am so greatful for that and amazed at the lives that God puts in your life.  and you have no idea the timing or the reasons for certain things and all, but they are there. 

She told me that she wants to come visit me.....she said..."I know that sounds wierd"  LOL, but I was thinking hell.....NO.  I love it!!!!  I wanted to see her when I went out to visit my family...but there are so many of them.... :0) and so little time, that it was just way to hard.  I hated that.  I almost need a friend trip out to Phx and not tell my family...but just go and see friends....line them up like I do when I visit my family.  Every night and day doing something, getting together at so and so's house......So I hope it works out!!!!  Praying....although I am a boring host...that is one thing I never learned.....oh, well.....there are far worse things to complain about......it's not like I got Cancer or anything....you know!?  I will take the lack of hosting knowledge....and be quiet.

Huge damn cricket/spider downstairs in basement....two youngest won't go down there...and I have to go find it.....ugh!!!!!!! Hate those things....I am a tough girl.......I have been hunting with my dad, seen a deer gutted and all.....I can kill bugs and spiders....etc.....but now that I have 6 boys/men in the house....it's not my job anymore, but for some reason it doesn't work out that way......I have to go and kill most things.....so, I will probably be jumping and screaming....when that thing jumps around...hopefully it won't follow me like one did with Aidan (4 year old) and terrify the living heck out of him.  they are like mutant dinasour age things......I mean really.....ugh!!!!!!!!!!  Just heard a scream...better go and do my motherly (well, not to me it's not.....) duties.....

Staring at a Chemo Patient

to look at your child that has shadows around his eyes and his skin is pail....ugh!  to look at him and pretend all is normal and that there is nothingn different or wrong with him.  To remember that you have to look at him and see what you see but act as though he looks normal. 

i have learned that i have to do see this more now than not.  but it does make your mind wander and think?  Your heart sink that your son is not looking very good?  Is he happy...yes! Is he hopeful...yes..... but he looks like crap...but how is your face?  it is a poster of happiness...... it is a look as if nothing is wrong....it is a posture as though things are normal....this has become my life!

"Prepared"?

Marshall went to Clinic yesterday!  Blood levels were great.  platelets are okay, but white blood count, neutriphils (sp?) look good......etc....we are going to do a CBC on the last day of his stays in the hospital to see if he needs a transfusion.  the Dr said it would work out better to have one while in hospital than coming into Clinic for it.  it takes so long....ugh!  so, I am assuming that maybe the next transfusion will be platelets.  the Dr said that is the one that struggles the most after a while on Chemo.  the bone marrow just can't reproduce as fast.  Marshall's little hospital buddy hasn't been able to go in and get Chemo bc her platelets have been too low.  she is hoping to go in today and have her 11th round.  she has exactly what Marshall has just different areas.

the Dr also said that Marshall is doing above average on weight, and everything.  Normally by now we would have had NG tubes in and out  He does have this weird thing with his hands and feet.  a tingling, numbness, discoloration on hands and blisters on hands.  it's a side effect from one of the Chemo's.  Very rare, but the Dr said that he has had 3 patients come up with this this year......he has no clue.  for some odd reason B6 helps....or at least we think....LOL don't know if time and that...prob both.

Marshall had an ECHO (don't know how to shorten it...is it with a K or a C, do you add an H in there...LOL) yesterday after Clinic.  This round of Chemo (odd round) is particularly hard on his heart......Like that's all I needed to add to the mix....forget radiation........they are gonna try and block out the heart for that, but I have to worry about this damn Chemo hurting it.....ugh.  Anyway, we have to check his heart out I think about every third time he gets this Chemo.  No idea what happens if it is affecting his heart.  But we haven't gotten a call so I am assuming all is good.  and we are just waiting for a call for a bed! 

This week (Sunday) we found out about a 9 year old girl, Brandi that died of Cancer.  She was diagnosed in 2007 and she was in remission I think since last year.  Could be wrong, but then last week she got sick, they took her in........she was scheduled for 'body scan' in the beginning of December to see if anything new came up or if still Cancer free, but at first the Docs thought she was fine and didn't need to do a scan, then I guess they felt they needed to do the scans bc she just wasn't getting better.  they found out that the Cancer had come back with a vengeance.  A large tumor on her abdomen and ones all around her kidneys and liver.  they made her go home with hospice and told the mother to 'say your good byes'  She lasted til Sunday. 

It has hit Marshall hard.  You can see from the CaringBridge Journal and all.  I loved that he worked out the "shout out" to her and a moment of silence at the Preds game.  I think it's important to remember and acknowledge these children.  We don't want them "outta site, outta mind"  and the other side of it is that you don't want to cover yourself in death and depression.  There is that fine line that you have to set.  Of course it is going to be hard at times.  Brian's first comment when I told him on Monday was "I am so tired of seeing people die...."  it takes him back to Elaine being in the hospital and meeting people and befriending them.....and then they leave all happy and healthy and then *POOF* gone.  they come in and a week later *GONE*  the sad fact is that Cancer is that fast!  You can't imagine it could be, but it really is.......

As we enter into "Advent" we are "preparing".  Man....I think for a Cancer patient everyday is "Advent"  what a way to live.  You always hear "live like it's your last day"  "be prepared in case it's your last day" etc....but again it's easy to talk the talk, but are you walking the walk.  Majority of us don't have to.......walk the walk.  We should, but we don't.  It's like, why worry.....your young you got forever....remember.... you are special.....you're never gonna die.  I used to think that because I was my Grammy's granddaughter that I was never going to get wrinkly, old, bony, arthritic hands.......I was special.  I was part of an awesome family and we were "in" with God (mind you.....I was veryyyyyy little......like 2nd grade.....)  But I remember looking at my hands one morning as my dad was taking me to school.....that was rare...maybe I missed the bus...LOL anyway, dad was at the light of 24th and glendale (tricky intersection to explain) we were turning left and I looked at my hands, and just realized....I am never gonna get old.  My hands will always be pretty, and smooth and young.

Sad reality when you get just a tad older........Crap!  This is no fun......oh well.  But my point is......if I even had one....which I highly doubt.....is.......We take 4 weeks out of one year to "Prepare" .  At this time, we are "Preparing" for Our Lord's Birth....and Christmas....I know it's the same thing, but to some people it's not....it's presents....etc...but these children...."Prepare" are "Ready" every single day.  Could you imagine living like that?  We should.  What makes us more special than those with Cancer?  Absolutely nothing!!!!  What makes us think we won't be hit by a car today and my Cancer ridden child will out live me?  Absolutely nothing!!!!!!  What makes us think that we will be able to attend Christmas with our family?  Absolutely nothing!!!!  What makes you think that you are going to attend your grandparents or your parents funeral?  Absolutely nothing!!!!!!!

We are just as fragile as these children.  We can go at any time!  Are we ready?  The unfortunate mistake we as a society make is that....with Cancer....it is a physical sign......just a tad more obvious.  They have a number of their possible years......a statistic..... which I don't and won't rely on....it's scary as hell though....but they are just a little more likely to go sooner.....but THEY WERE PREPARED!  they have it better than us....in the spiritual sense you know.  They are whipped into shape.......they think of their future....the "what if's"  like Marshall said in his journal. 

What do we do?  We spend 4 weeks of "Preparing"  and realistically, do we spend the 4 full weeks totally and truly "Preparing" for Our Lord?  I know I don't.  At least I am honest about it.  I don't do all I should and I know it, but I go on with my life.....bc I am going to live for a looooooong time.

We do not know the day, hour, minute or even the way we are going to die.  I am going to truly think and do my best to "Prepare"  this Advent season....and keep it going beyond the 4 weeks.  I have been thinking of this for a while now and have been meaning to go to Confession, Blessed Sacrament, attend more Masses...have I....see....things get in the way, you always have something come up or make excuses......I hope that our intentions....will count for something (even just a tinny winny)  when I die. 

What is really important in this life?  Fame, Fortune, Popularity, Huge House, Money, Great School for your kids, Cars?  Is that going to get you to Heaven?  Is any of this hampering your entrance?  Is it stopping you from truly and fully giving your life to Our Lord?  Do you choose an earthly thing over your soul?  Do you feel more important with society than with Our Lord? Are you really somebody?  Seriously, think about it?  Are you......just bc you go here, or there or have this, or now that person.......Are you going to Heaven for that?  What does Our Lord say about all this?  Do you even care?  Look at society.....and just watch.....what is going on?  What is important to us?  Who are our Heroes?  Who do we want to be, be like?  I am not saying dump everything and just become a weirdo....but I am asking questions.....to myself.....or anyone else reading this.  These are thoughts and when you look at death......to have to take a step back and really ask yourself.  Are you "Prepared"  now and always!

This actually started out as an email to my family to let them know about yesterday and as you see I got overcome with something......LOL 

Finally made it to the Hospital

I am sitting here finally with Marshall.  I showed up at the hospital late morning for the 1st time since they left Friday afternoon.  I hated missing his 1st Transfusion, but you know, oh well, no biggie I will unfortunately see more of those, so I am not going to loose sleep over that one. 

Marshall feels like a new man!!!! let me tell you.......man!!!! where did this kid come from?  also, when he takes a hit from the "BAD" pump...he balances it with a Red Bull...Oh Yeah, that's why I am still up at this hour. 

Brian and I had to leave bc a bunch of girls came by from Fr Ryan....and we went to go and eat.  When we got back, they had all left, but another new found friend stopped by that has dealt with Leukemia.  We got to meet her mom for the first time.  It was nice just sitting in the quiet room and talking about various things.  We really just touched the surface of different thing...  Of course we didn't go really deep into anything, but got a glimpse and it's nice to chat with someone that can actually correct you when you pronounce some "technical" term wrong....LOL! We couldn't even say what was wrong with Marshall.....she actually helped us.  The three of us hung out in the "quiet room" as long as we could but she had to go and get her daughter bc she had to study for a PSAT. 

Marshall enjoyed his time and hated seeing them leave as we did, but we will meet up again.

We jammed to some tunes, talked Titans with our nurse, and such.....then Marshall listened to his music and I put my earplugs in and listened to mine.....He would joke that the music was too loud.....NOT he was giving me a hard time bc he couldn't get my attention.....BTW got him back just about 15 min ago when I told him HIS music was too loud bc he had in his earplugs...LOL

OH!  party going on again in this room...we be listening to "like a G 6" we got 2 nurses in here.....so, it was getting quiet we were just writing on our own.....and then PARTY! and now we are listening to Jeff Gaffigan.....it's what time?  and I have to be normal tomorrow.....oh, well, no different than the weekend I had with all the sickness.......

Anyway, Marshall is doing great...he has two gorgeous nurses at his beck and call right now.  So i put in my earplugs and am writing this....feel a little out of it....like the 4th wheel.  You as a parent will realize that these awesome nurses are here for your kids and they focus on them  which is awesome!!! but there come times that you just aren't part of the joke....etc...I am happy to just be here in my own world.....

I best be going...I guess I best try to sleep....

1st Transfusion

Well, Brian just called me and notified me that Marshall will be needing a blood transfusion.....my heart sank.  I know it's fine, but when I first started hearing about the Cancer, the Chemo, and then I heard the word "Transfusion"  I was like...."What?"  why would he need that?  Come to find out that I knew squat about Cancer, Chemo and everything else in those precarious lines of this world.  Duh!!! The Chemo kills you, and the body has to repair itself, and just not might be able so it needs fresh helpers.......Transfusion!

I dreaded the day when I would here that my son needs one.....why....why....would it bother me so!?

Anyway, at Clinic on Thursday his hemoglobin was 8 and they warned Brian that he might need one this Round of Chemo.  When Brian told me.....yes, I shot straight up and realized......It's....heeerrreeee. Darn!!!! I wanted him to be the except for everything.  I wanted him to not have to deal with the realities of Cancer.......I know, it's nice to imagine, but that is all it is....imagination of what you want things to be like.

This morning, they tested Marshall's blood and his hemoglobin is now at 6.5.  It has dropped 1.5 since Thursday. They want it to be at least a 7 for Chemo.  So, we have to get this thing going before we go any further.  I know it's not too off, but off enough.  Brian said they want to give him 2 units.....No clue what that looks like......Gosh darn it......i can't get the picture of a bag of blood hanging on Peter (his IV pole...it's name bc it makes him pee all the time) and the line running into his body......

I gave blood for the first time this summer while I was at school.  Never did it bc I was always nursing or pregnant.  So I never really thought about it.  I ended up doing it with a friend of mine....LOL what a time that was....my heart rate was pounding sooooo fast they couldn't take my blood unless it was at at least 100 (pretty sure)  I had to waith a couple of minutes and they came in and checked me again......if i didn't make it this round they wouldn't be allowed to.  OH, I was at 100.....LOL  I was so scared since I never did it before. 

Anyway, that was before finding out about Marshall.  Then when hearing about "Transfusions"  in the whole process of Chemo talks and I realized that my child is going to need someone elses blood to live.  He may need it multiple times.  It is the blood from others that save his life.  I had a whole new take on what I did that summer......It's like a light bulb went on.  I finally saw outside of my world, my life and my doings and goings on.  My blood that I gave this summer possibly helped save another life.  Now, I always knew that but it's one thing to hear it and another to go thru it.  It's like talking about being pregnant and giving birth.  You can say you understand and how easy/hard it is, but you don't truly know til you go thru it........and your like "OHHHH, this is how it works....."

Live and learn.....I am learning everyday about life, cancer, my kids and how out of touch I was with some awful realities of what many families go thru everyday.  How easy we had it and had NOOOO CLUUUUE how nice it was.  Healthy kids, handsome hubby, etc......You take things for granted.  You take life and really don't think of anything else.  You complain bc you can't get this or do that.  Complain bc your kids are driving you nuts........well, they still do.....LOL but at least they are alive and healthy and have the opportunity to bug eachother and me... :0)  I hate THROW UP but at least my kids are alive and healthy tooo throw up....Gosh,, that sounds soooo wierd....LOL  and honestly, I can't wait for the kids to grow up so I don't have to deal with the virus every stinking year.......

I have always been very cautious and thoughtful when it came to my kids being sick and sending them off to school or a friends house.  I always try to warn them and give them the option of what to do.  Since I have many children (BTW Brian just informed me that the blood just arrived)  of course I am not there....grrrr anyway, it takes us forever to get rid of the various bugs that enter the house.  I have had stomach bugs that lasted a whole month.  Depending on how long the bugger is...you have to figure each kid getting it.....yada yada......so, I have to actually ask parents now when they want our kids to play with them.....are they sick?  LOL I had to explain to one poor mother why i was asking.....she answered me as if i was crazy....LOL then I asked is she was aware of our situation...she wasn't but when I explained she was like Oh, no problem and she thought even harder as to if any of them had been sick.....it was so sweet.

But you have to act differently now all the time.  I am starting to realize that this lifestyle affect many people you just don't hear about most of them.  or you hear it, but it doesn't hit you or you don't really truly know until you go thru it.  I hate that it took my all these years to realize that giving blood was selfless.....saves lives....etc.  I know my husband did when he could he understood that from what his sister went thru but still didn't really have a clue.

I remember Brian asking me when Marshall was in for his 1st round and I think we were getting a bite to eat.  and he asked "so do you feel different? Do you listen to conversations different? Do you think different?"  I finally was able to understand what Brian has been talking about since I have known him.  He said "Welcome to the family"  He meant the family of Cancer. 

It is so true......everything changes, you have to accpet things that you never thought possible, you have to watch things done to your child that you never thought you would have to.  You go thru a whole new and different world.  It is a world that is Cancer and it's like living a parallel life inside your present life. 

So, one more step in this world.....My first "Transfusion" for my son.  How fragile they are for so long a time.  God be with all the children and parents!  It's life that is all.  Just part of the process.  It's no biggie to many.....they have it all time.....it's their normal world.....God love them all!  They are special people and their souls are shining bright you can see their souls shine from their faces.  those precious faces that fight this battle and watch as medicines, Chemo, Blood are all pumped into their bodies.......I love them all!  They are the strong ones.

Thoughts swirling in this thing called my Brain

bc = because (it's in my posts alot....just thought I would let you know)

It has been awhile since I have written, but I have had so many things on my mind and just didn't quite know how to write it all down.  So many emotions going thru my head. So many thoughts and questions swirling up in that empty space called my Brain at the moment.  BTW, I think I left it at the door of the hospital when this all started.  I haven't quite been the same person since then.

We live in a hard place these days...that's putting it mildy, but seriously, I came from a large family (oldest of 11) and I have a large family (to me I don't think so, but rest of the world does and likes to remind me how children come about as if I don't know), and I hope that I can instill God's presence and love and have the kids trust Him as we have.  It is scary being open to life, nothing is set in stone...there is no guarantee that life is going to be all parties, and sweet nothings just because you follow your faith.  I never thought that THANKFULLY!  Because with this I would have been in a world of hurt......Anyway, I do have a point in there somewhere and my Brain again is trying to leaf thru all that I want to say and get it out in a way that makes sense and is worth something bc I really don't want to delete all this and start all over again.

As a mother to 7 children, I feel as though I have a huge responsibility to the society and being a witness to my faith, husband and children.  I have to be tough, strong, love my life, children, husband, etc.  I can't be weak EVER.  Growing up with a large family, we always got starred at....I wanted to pick my nose and flick a bugger just to teach them a lesson on starring.  I felt the eyes on us, but I wouldn't dare acknowledge them.  I never had the guts to do that.  So, I would go on about my life, regretting that I didn't have the guts to do something disgusting.......LOL  I mean what are they waiting for?  Seriously, why do you have to stare at one table for your entire meal.  Yes, we actually behaved.  Yes, we never got out of our seats and ran circles round the tables.  Yes, we said "please, and thank you".  Yes, we knew if we did or didn't do what we were supposed to do, we would get it later and we didn't want that!!!!!!

I and of course with the help of Brian have done the same with my kids.  Granted, we don't take them out but once or twice a year.  Do you have any idea what a large family has to give up just to be one?  Don't get me wrong, but seriously, when you hear of all the restaurants that kids go to, shopping spree's (maybe not...but just shopping) and the vacations every school break.....Yes, it gets to me.  Makes me sad, but you know I would rather my 7 children and not be able to do all that for them, than have 2 and give them all that.  It still sucks, when someone asks you what is your child's favorite restaurant?  or clothing store.....embarrassing!!!!!!  Marshall is about the only one that has any idea at all.  Someone asked what his favorite steak restaurant was......I had to tell them that he didn't have one.  We have never taken him to one....ugh!  We do do steak, but Brian cooks it here....we love steak...!!!!!!!!!

See, I always go off topic.  Told you I had a lot on my mind.  OK, I think what I am trying to figure out in my life right now, is how strong to be outside?  and maybe inside?  I have no clue.  I am dealing with Marshall very well I think.  I don't cry alot.  I do my little 10 seconds here, 10 seconds there and then I'm good for awhile.  I can't remember when the last time was i cried.....oh, it was when we were meeting with the Radiologist.  I cried and tried not to, tried to hide it, but it's hard to miss red eyes and me casually wiping little streams of tears.  It was very hard to here what this crap does to you.  And to hear it being told what it is going to do to YOUR CHILD!  Seriously, that was hard.  I told Marshall the next day after dropping off my parents you know what.....this radiation sucks, and it can kill you but we have to pick the lesser of two evils, the one that might not kill you as much.  Like that is a great option.....unfortunately, with his lungs being involved, in order to save his life this is our only option to possibly give him another cancer that will kill him.  NICE!!!!!! Damned if you do and damned if you don't.  Even the Chemo is killing him.  We have to kill him in order to save him (God willing).  It's like seeing which one is going to kill him.....it is hard.  Don't get me wrong I am not all doom and gloom and that is my point right now.  How the hell do I act?  Should I be honest?  I have been, but I make sure I always have a smile not matter what.  Yes, I have to face the possibility that Marshall will not survive.  I have to.  I also will cry about it, but then I feel guilty for even thinking it.  I am a believer, but I HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THE WORST and that is LOOSING MY CHILD SOMEDAY!  How do you think about giving birth to this precious one, and it was only 17 years ago that seem like yesterday....and you have to LITERALLY worry about him dying.  Not surviving this evil thing in our lives.  Now I am crying.....dang it! I have said that I am worried he won't make it.....and  People tell me "Don't say that.....how can you think that?"  Well, how can I not.  I am his mother.  Yes, I believe in his surviving this, but then at the same time I would be an idiot not to deal with the possibility. God doesn't have the same thought process we do.  Just bc I am a faithful Catholic doesn't mean that God will spare My Marshall.  There have been many wonderful souls taken for no reason.  What about them?  It would be a win for Marshall either way.  He will either stay here and we would be blessed forever with him, or he will be blessed and be in Heaven with Our Lord, the Blessed Mother and all the Angels and Saints. 

It's like I have to watch what I say.  I can't be honest with many people it seems.  I don't like to complain.  I always feel guilty if I do, and there have been a couple of times that I did and I regretted it.   We have to be strong for so many people.  Also, some people don't believe that you are fine.  Doing great!!! It's funny that we have to be the strong ones for others.  I told Marshall there will be times that we have to.  Things do take a toll on you and the family.  Lots of things are strained right now.  It's normal, unfortunately.  I don't doubt we will survive!  Please continue to pray for us and strength.

 Things that go thru my mind are not things that go thru many people's mind.  My thought process took a 180 on October 4th and it will never be the same again.  I do have hope!  I do believe!  I do have faith!  there will never be a day when he does survive this that I won't be terrified that a new cell is growing in him, or a new cancer is spawning it's disgust inside my innocent child.

I am right with Marshall.  I am in battle with Marshall.  No I am not physically going to kick it's butt, but I will be there at his side and we will defeat it.  So much can be done for awareness of Sarcomas.  They are real these different bone cancers, and they are mean.  We don't hear about them much and I am going to change that.  You know Marshall has already "WON".  He defeated this cancer by facing it and not letting it defeat him emotionally.  He won bc he is taking it on head on.  We are doing that with him.  We are not sinking into a hole and feeling sorry for ourselves and making ourselves sick with worry.  I am not feeling sorry for myself.  You know this is just a battle we didn't choose, but one that we got and what can you do?  nothing!  You have to move on and go with it.  Take the reins and ride as fast as you can.  Ride hard and don't look back.  Look where your going and don't worry.  You can worry....Okay, now this is making sense....here I am talking about not worrying but then in a couple of paragraphs I was talking about my fears.  So, I do have my fears, I am a mother, who wouldn't!?  BUT, I am not going to let it rule my life.  I guess I am talking to myself right now.  I shouldn't feel guilty for thinking at times what I think about.  It is normal but it doesn't mean I am faithless, untrustworthy and such.  We all deal with our battles differently. I am a planner.  So, of course I am going to think of the possibilities.  That way I am not knocked off my feet when things happen.  I digest it, and move on. I face it, and move on.

YOU WILL WIN THE CANCER BATTLE JUST BY FACING IT HEAD ON!  If you don't physically win the battle it by no means you didn't win!!!!!!  Those that give up, consume their lives with negative, think the worst, never look to positives, don't embrace each day as a gift from God.......they have lost the battle!  It's how you deal with it.  How you lean on Our Lord and the Blessed Mother.  It's how you never ask why?  I might but I haven't ask why My Marshall.  I am not mad at God.  If anything I have never been more confident in His presence than ever.  The prayers around the world, the Masses being said around the world.......how can you not feel the power of Our Lord?  People say "Gosh, you are so positive...don't know how you do it?"  Well, what is the other choice.  You have no other choice.  Well, I guess you do!  We choose to face this head on and love life!  You have to continue to smile, believe that no matter what that you are taken care of, and never give up.  If you do....then the cancer defeated you!  That is not Marshall, not me and not this family!!!!!!!  This cancer picked the wrong family to mess with!  and yes, you better pray for this cancer bc we....this family...... will kick it's butt!!!!!!!!

Got off task.....LOL 


Also, I struggle with 'help'  I don't like to ask for help.  Remember I am superwoman! I can do it all.  LOL!!!!! I have learned to ask for some help....so darn hard!!!!  I feel useless asking for help.  It's like why can't I do that?  I should be able to do that.  God gives you what you can handle....Oh, and speaking of that.  Marshall is in the hospital for his 4th round and I am here home bc I have head cold that knocked me on my butt, but today I feel so much better, but it's Saturday now and on Wednesday around midnight Aidan (youngest) threw up and I guess I was so tired I didn't even here one of the kids tell us, Brian came down and was like "nice that you can sleep but I need your help"  I had no clue...LOL  he said I answered in the beginning...LOL but Aidan, got it on his bedspread and on the floor.  We brought him down to our room and he threw up a total of 3 times.  I feel panicked bc Marshall can't get sick he is supposed to go into the hospital on friday (yesterday) So, the next morning I wake up and feel rotten and Colin (#4) comes and and says he just threw up.....GREAT!!!! Brian ended up staying home bc he was so tired and he took Marshall to clinic and I stayed with the sick ones and stayed in bed.... :0) Thursday night, Elizabeth decides to get sick.....NICE!  at least not on the floor....she actually made it to the toilet (she has issues with making it...LOL)  So, on friday we waited for the hospital to call to get Marshall in.  I guess the floor was full and kids waiting for Chemo and they had to move around some kids.  Anyway, Marshall did go but not until 4:15 pm.  So far...nevermind....I am not gonna say it!!!!!!!

Well, if this post isn't a bunch of jumble....I told you that I had a lot going on.  I actually deleted a huge paragraph.....bc it didn't seem important anymore.  I was like....that's stupid..... :0)

We have choices:

Praise or despair
win or lose
smile or wallow
love or hate
head up or head down
fight or give up
be thankful for every God given moment or complain about all that is bad in your life

You have a choice.....which ones do you choose?  how are you going to live your life?  How are you going to life your life when your up?  How are you going to life your life when your down?  It's easy to talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?

My Practical was not so PRACTICAL

I just took my Practical Exam for Aesthetics.......yes, with all I have going on I had to finish this.  I had to follow thru.  So, most of the time my parents were here, I was in my room going over stuff in my head for the exam and getting products together.

I pick up my model, grab a diet coke left over from when my mom was in town (left yesterday) and yep....you guessed it, in the stinkin neighborhood I go for the first drink (sip...whatever) and spill down MY WHITE UNIFORM SCRUBS!  I knew it......I just did in spite in think....I think I dared someone and I got it LOL.

So, with that being the beginning, and of course what do we talk about "Marshall" and "Radiation" and his blogs (which we both love of course)  I swear this situation is always on your mind and you can't run from it.  But there are times that you have to just put it out of your mind.......BUT IT'S SO HARD TO!

In the practical, I had a thundering heart.  I felt good.  I told myself I know all this, I can do it......So when set up came......I was the last one getting things out and disinfected.  Actually thought I would run out of time and not get everything out.  But I did!  I forgot to sanitize my hands sometimes at the beginning of the section (only the first one...after that I got mad at myself!) I was also always the last one to finish each and every darn section.  I would be in the middle and they would be completely done..........there were two others and i was on the end. 

I felt as though one of the state board members was always on my side and looking at what I was doing......I forgot to bring up the towel over the declote (sp?) for the toning and remembered mid steaming.....so, just brought it up half way thru......crap! kicked myself and I had to remember not to talk to myself....bad habit of mine!

I was doing one section and the machine wasn't really working it did in the beginning, but then it wasn't so I was a fakin it.......then she comes over (of course) and i tell her that it worked in the beginning but then just stopped so i was just going thru the movements. she fiddled with a few buttons and it worked again, but as I was doing this....granted this was the second step in a three step process.....mind you OH, my vacuum (1st step) was making these slurping sounds.....LOL bc i didn't dry it well enough and OF COURSE no one else was doing it then since they were speed warping thru it.  But again, I was way behind......way behind.  I had time, but the stress of knowing that two people are waiting.....STRESSFULLLLLLLL!

So, in the moisturizing, I forgot to replace a top.....and i hear "click" from the computer....and I go "crap" inside of course.....and for my Mock Wax........I forgot to get out my "strips"  in the middle of getting the general directions and the lady IS RIGHT THERE BEHIND MY MACHINE......I realize that I FORGOT TO GET IT OUT.  My eyes got huge.......I looked right at her and was about to tell her and then something said.....don't say anything.....so.....what do I do.......SMILE.  she responds with one back.  So, I am sitting here thinking how am I going to do this?  I can't go back in my bag, I already raised my hand and said i was finished.  I am not allowed back in my bag.  AND SHE IS RIGHT THERE.  So, I sanitize, she is at my back....I rip a piece of kleenex and make it into a rectangle (my mock strip......) so I worked real hard.....to work fast.........and have her not see me.......

Oh, and in the beginning when I was supposed to cleanse the face....but first the eyes, and lips....so, i had just squirted cleanser on hand...remembered eyes, so wiped off.....did it, then squirted cleanser AGAIN, and remembered the lips, so took it off and did the lips.....THEN FINALLY GOT TO THE CLEANSER!!!!

It was a mess for me mentally, and can't believe that I actually passed.  I thought about leaving, I almost cried....but I got a 92% don't ask me how!!!!!!!  I haven't had it all sink in yet.........I am still overwhelmed with me passing....I guess I am just too much of a perfectionist!

Life Goes On

Well, Marshall came home Sunday night....we did actually.  it was late but I am not gonna complain, Brian didn't have to spend the last night on that hard version of a bed!  Marshall tolerated the Chemo round as expected.  This was the same round as his 1st round.  So, when I say "Odd" round, I mean this one.  When I say "Even" round, it's the previous one (his 2nd round).  He has two different Chemo regemins that he is on.  I just of course realized that when we went in for the 2nd round and it was longer.

I still can't pronounce the Chemo's and when I think I have the pattern down......I spit it out, telling my nurse what is going to happen.......shoulda know....nope........look stupid AGAIN!  I told her, I can't keep up, I am told so many different things, I am just gonna be quiet and read my book.  This is when Marshall would make a smart remark back to me.......GREAT!

Today, Marshall and I dropped off my parents at the airport.  It was a tearful goodbye but at least we will hopefully see them in January sometime.  Mom wants to come back and help again.  So, being that Marshall has his Birthday next Tuesday (Nov. 16) he has reminded us that the Call of Duty Game was coming out on Tuesday.  Like every second!!!!! So, as we are listening to "like a G6" and I am trying to merge onto 440 traffic Marshall asks if we can go and get it.  Now, I was gonna go to TJMaxx to look for a single white flat sheet.  Need it for my Practical test tomorrow.....Yes, I am soooo prepared!  Anyway, told him to call dad bc I was just trying to get killed while jammin to a great song!  We get permission for Marshall to get his Bday gift early and we go to Sam's.  I looked for sheets....Well, since everything comes in bulk they go with the same standards in sheets.....NO TWIN SHEETS!  okay got it!  they suck! JK like we don't have needs with a million kids to have twin sheets.  What do they think....that we just put them all on huge beds like they did in the olden days?  NOT ME!  even though aidan seems to sleep more with Colin in Colin's bed than his own.  I remember those days so I am far from judging.

In line, I asked Marshall if they needed shampoo (I already grabbed conditioner for Catherine) he replys "I don't know, I don't use shampoo anymore..."  We laughed soooo hard!!!!! I was like....yeah, your right but you did mention that you washed it the other day to remember what it felt like :0)

You know, things will hit you as they come.  We have been in survival mode since this started and we will be til this ends.  But I am realizing, that in dealing with this situation, and the kids, and school, and hospitals, etc....that as husband and wife.....that suffers.  You know, it's hard enough to keep the relationship "hot"  and all with just normal life.....try throwing in a little "your child has cancer, and really odds are not good.....and here is our protocol for the next 7-9 months...see ya"  into your life and NOW, NOW, NOW HOW THE HECK AM I.....NO WE GONNA DO THIS?  I will let you know......might be years from now.....LOL  it has been bugging me this week.  I finally was looking back and thinking.....yep.....another hurdle...now, I am not worried about us......Brian and I work very hard on our relationship.  We go out every week just the two of us.....we keep communication up and are like love birds still after 18 years of marriage....it is kinda sick in a good way if that makes any sense.  But!!!!!!!!!  We will have to work harder and Our Lord will give us the graces we need in this.  Because there are times that we just look at eachother and say "sure miss you" like weekends when Marshall is hospital....we tag team spending the night, and together during the day, but so hospital like!  yuck and our focus is Marshall and making him comfortable, seeing his visitors, getting out of the room if there is a limit policy.....last time sucked....we had to leave bc there was a 2 visitor policy on POD A.  it's for a reason, but when he has friends someone has to leave.  Finally the last day.....he got 2 but I told the nurse "I am waiting on my food, I am not leaving he is gonna have to wait"  and went right back to reading my book while trying to ignore Marshall and his friend and give them space......I can do that easily when I read.  Marshall had to go "Mom...Mom" a couple of times......then I wondered if I should have been listening to see if I needed to be listening....LOL  I have heard some interesting conversations ...hee-hee  (fine....don't worry....but gossip and such)

Brian should be home any minute and he is going to take me out for a bit.  You know, sad Mom and Dad are gone, so I am playing the sympathy card :0(  which is true, but I haven't had any alone time with Brian much with Mom and Dad here.  We would go out a little or when Mom would go the the house she was staying at so I didn't totally ignore her. 

Wished I enjoyed the time more with them here.  I was just so scattered with Marshall, hospital and then now having to focus and my test tomorrow.  They would be here, but I would be in my room chilling, sleeping (hospital takes it out of you man!  just when you get back you go right back in)  anyway, and then studying.....like how I put that last.....I didn't put it last in reality.

I just want this over.  Want to take my test and be done.  Have no clue when I am gonna work.  I am just so focused on Marshall and the kids (little....in all honesty)  It is so hard to give your all to all the kids.  If anyone tells you they do.....they are sooooo lying!  think about each of you......how to you balance a normal life with all the kids?  do you pay attention to all of them as they really need?  I know i slack......Yes, my kids are doing great so far......but as a mom I know I fail in areas......It is hard.  There is NOTHING EASY ABOUT THIS SITUATION!!!!  Your brain goes somewhere......I would give anything for "pregnancy brain" right now.  that would be doable.  Marshall just looks at me......and is speechless sometimes....well, no...that's not true......he makes fun of me.  Like I said....I make my boys laugh...!!!!!

I will be glad when this is over.  I have no clue if it ever will.  We met with the Radiologist yesterday to get general answers.  Yes, I teared up.  Reality sucks right now.  And I was talking to Marshall about it on way home today.  Basically, all his options stink (except for a miracle) and we have to pick the lesser of two evils.  And yes, they are EVIL.  Just so depressing, but then you take that in.......and then go on!  Pick your head up and smile.....and laugh!!!!!!

I best be going.  Gotta wipe a bottom.........never done and mother is.  and I want to smack ANYONE that says that motherhood is not a job!!!!!!!!  Don't get me started.  I had to deal with that couple of weeks ago.

God Bless You all, Mary Keep and St Joseph Guide You!!!!

Benefit Concert for Marshall

WOW!!!!! AMAZING!!!!!!!! INSPIRATIONAL!!!!!!!!! LOSS FOR WORDS!!!!!!!!!!

that is what i am thinking right now.  we are all exhuasted as many of you are that showed up to the fundraiser last night and set up, cleaned up and danced your booties off.

i couldn't believe the numbers that came in support of Marshall.  well, i can but to see it and it be actual and physical.  my eyes couldn't take it all in.  i saw many dear ones that i haven't seen in years and it sucks this was the way i had to touchbase with many friends.  but it was good and i was glad to have an excuse to get everyone and all those people together. 

as i was joking about Marshall all night.  he didn't have to pick Cancer to get attention.  he coulda done something else to become famous....LOL  i am still working on my Top Ten List of "You have to get Cancer to get......" ;0)

Marshall had a blast last night.  to see him dancing again...that only happens at a "knoell" wedding (that's my side of fam).  let me tell you....you want to party......come to my side of the tracks....Arizona and go to any party......it's a blast!!!!! but the weddings are when we get to dance our booties off......that's when your hair falls out of place, your makeup starts to disappear, and you are huffing and puffing during the 'slow songs' to get your breath back....LOL

when Marshall was on the dance floor it just broke my heart (in a good way) to see him dancing with the little girls....that is so 'my Marshall'  it wouldn't be any other way.  he as always been that way.  all the little kids just flock to him and i guess from last night too....the girls do to........man!!!! now if only he can get a girlfriend :0)  it seems that he may have a lot to choose from possibly......

when he threw off his hat.........i cried........my son is so damn strong, and just embraces this awful, sick, annoying, long destroying disease.  he is a champion in my book but he always has been with me.  even though, he loves to make fun of me.....which drives me crazy and such sometimes.  i was about to make him walk home from the hospital yesterday bc he just kept making fun of me.........ugh!!!!! my brain is fried......so i am gonna ask stupid questions...but i don't even know if i am up or down sometimes and where i am and where i am going......LOL i hope he will never understand that.  i hope he never has to experience what i am going thru....but it would be nice for some compassion :0)  he loves to be sarcastic, and i guess it's payback for mom.....since, i was, am and will be.......just not as quick as him (that's where he gets that from his dad....so darn quick)  oh, and brian loves to laugh at me to...but you know....i laugh at myself all the time.....

so off track......anyway........i am proud to be Marshall's mom and i hope to be an inspiration to him as his mother.  i don't know how that would work....but something.  i want to be his rock and his shoulder (good luck with boys on that one) i want him to be proud that i am his mom...don't know about that.  i want Marshall to come to me regarding this Cancer and let me in on how he is feeling.  i want to go thru this with him.  i know i am and all i will be there to the bitter end, no matter which end it is.  i just read a caringbridge site of a friend of Marshall's and her mother had the best quote that someone told her.....

" either way in life it is a win-win.  You either win by staying on this Earth to share God's words or you win by joining Him in Heaven."

wow!  that sums it up.....it's just a matter of being at piece and accepting one of the 'wins'

well, i must be getting off....i gotta put on my face and be ready for the hospital call.......it's takes me awhile....LOL

God Bless, Mary Keep and St Joseph Guide You

St Peregrine and Bl Pier Giorgio Frassati, pray for us

Bruegger's

We all just got back from being at Bruegger's Bagels, the fund raiser for Marshall.  It was so overwhelming the generosity of so many people!!!!!  There are no words to express.  Tears seem to be the answer when you can't find one. 

Brian and I had a rough night last night.  We were up til about 2 am.  We were talking and crying.  I hate breaking down like that.  I hate thinking certain things, but I guess it's part of the process.  It doesn't mean I don't believe that Marshall will get thru this.  I really do!  As a parent, and dealing with Cancer in one of your own children is just something hard to digest.  It is still a shock to me.  I have told people this......LOL so, I know this is old to some of you, but I will just be in the car with Brian or something and I will just repeat......"Our son has cancer, our son haaas cancer, our son HAS CANCER"  I keep trying to wrap my brain around it.  I think I do, but I really don't think I have a clue at all. 

I feel like I have to be strong.  I mean....we have 7-9 months of this, and I am already breaking down every now and then....UGH!  I have to be strong, there is no where to cry quietly, kids still need love, Marshall has things that I have to do everyday, (I am back.....remembered I had to flush Marshall's lines - thank goodness I was talking about that...it reminded me...LOL), he has medicines that I have to remember....actually he needs his morphine right now....he was supposed to take it this morning....but we both forgot.......LOVE IT, so anyway.....see there is so much to think about and do, that who has time to digest all of the emotions and the reality of what is going on? 

You think "Yes, I can do this.....we are strong, we have our faith and eachother"  but then you get a hiccup and it changes a little bit.  Or, you get a reality check with lets say Marshall loosing his hair, or the side effects of Chemo......you have to take a seat and just watch for bit and let it all come in.  If I knew all that is going to be asked of me right now, I probably wouldn't make it.  So, you have to take the little moments that make you do a huge intake of breathe and just wait.  Once you digest it, then you move on.

Just being at Bruegger's today......is one of those moments that you take in a site, that just can't be true.  You have to be seeing wrong, or it's a dream (humph, this is so not a dream!)  But this was a good one.  I am still trying to digest the amount of support from just the time we were there today.  I have heard stories of earlier in the day and such.  I am amazed.  I told a friend that I need to throw a party for the party that was thrown for us....LOL  How do you thank so many people?  I guess you don't.  It is something they feel they need to do, and unfortunately this is something we need....FUNDS!

I was at Bruegger's and talking to a friend and all of a sudden, this woman walked in to the line....I jumped up and said, I used to work out with her.........I always loved her and enjoyed seeing her smiling face....short colored hair, long crazy decorated nails.........and a little sports car.......I want to be like her when I get older......FUN AS HELL!!!!!
 btw, I am not going to get old.....I am going to be in my 60s - 90s and still dance around the house, blare the music from all the stereos and enjoy my time here on earth.  I would love to see this one....LOL

anyway, I tapped her shoulder, she turned around and I put both hands on her shoulders and said "do you remember me?  from the JCC, we used to workout together?"  She took a second, asked "are you the one with all the kids?" LOL  I guess that's one good way to be remembered :0)  I said "YES!"  granted we were like little school girls......giddy and surprise and shock......then I saw that she had a flier......I pointed to the flier and said "that's my son"  she got this questioned look on her and said "YOUR MARSHALL'S MOM" I was "yep"  she said, "I AM DAVE'S WIFE"  (dave is one of the regulars and marshall just loves him to death.  he came into the hospital with two other regulars on his first weekend of Chemo)  I was like.......'WHAT YOUUUR DAVE'S WIFE' again, giddy and shock and surprise....!!!!! such a small world is this.  I miss seeing her.  We let go of the JCC a year ago bc I was working a bit and then went into school so we weren't using it.  then I found out that Dave knows my father-in-law and sister -in- law.

So, I love Dave even more.....LOL   He has an awesome wife!!!!

Well, I guess I best be going.  The kids have slowly trailed in here....so, it is no longer quiet so that what little left I have in the process of thought....to continue on.

God Bless!
Bl Pier Giorgio Frassati and St Peregrine, pray for us

Round 2 two-done

this is my 4th attempt at writing something.  it never feels right or i have to leave it and then the moment and my thoughts and feelings are gone...pooof!

We are home.  we got home last night in time for yummy BBQ pork and sides!!!!!!!  it was nice to be home.  Marshall ate dinner, but threw it up.  it was the first time he threw up since the previous Saturday.  We kept him on the 'Bad Pump" (anti-nausea IV) the whole time and finally turned it off yesterday afternoon and he did really good. 

This hospital visit was interesting.

1.) we thought we were gonna be home Sunday night or Monday morning ..... nope!  this was a 4 day treatment.  so, we learned something..... he has two different chemo treatments.  so, all his odd trips will be 3 days and his even trips will be 4 days in the hospital.  they each react differently with Marshall.  this last round was rough after the 5th dose of chemo.  his blood pressure dropped when he was going to the bathroom to 68/31.  he was about to pass out and the nurses wouldn't let him!  we had about 6 nurses in there for that.........you should have seen the look on their faces....being all quiet, i was in the background reading faces, trying to figure out "should i call, Brian"  i did bc i would want to know if i was at home sleeping. 

i think i got about an hour of sleep that night.  earlier his lung was hurting again, so tried oxycodone, and they didn't believe us when we told them he needs 15 mg.  the doc later on said, okay, you know what you are talking about and i will listen from now on.  he got morphine which helped.

then in the late morning the hospital got a 'code orange' (tornado warning) so we all had to go into the hallways and chill until it was over.  we hung out with Marshall's friend Ashley that is there and should be going home today.  she has the same thing Marshall has just in different areas. she was diagnosed in march of this year.

where was i?  i had to see Aidan off with my mom.  she was taking him to the park.  and i had to put Marshall's 'aqua guard' on.  that protects his Hickman catheter from getting wet.  so, he is getting ready for the day.  we are going to go to bruegger's where he worked and pick up some donation money so i can put it in the account set aside for medical bills....which, are slowly coming in :0(

all i have to say is that i was on 'honeymoon' with the cancer until this weekend.  honeymoon is over and reality showed it's first signs to me.  i dealt with it, i faced it, and i am fine now and ready!!!!!  all we can do is take baby step after baby step.  we have no idea what's around the corner, but we will see and we will do this together! 

when something tragic happens in a family, you really see either the beauty, strength and faith in each other or not.  i have to say, i am impressed with us...no, we are not perfect, but we are faithful, together, and here for each other!

each of us are playing a role in this, and we can only do what is expected of us.  our roles are unique but all fit within each other's roles.  there will be bumps...but heck, i always loved it when my dad went over a bump in the four wheeler or the truck when we were sitting in the back!!!!!!

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chilly up there

Today was a good day....went to Mass with the six kids and my mom.  I dread Mass...not in a bad way, but I always get emotional at Mass thinking about everything.  I wish I could be there and not cry.  Not cry when a friend gives me a hug and asks how I am....bc I am okay, but shoot.......after Mass.....LOL I just want to cry.....I guess it's the Holy Spirit or something.  That's fine, I just hope I don't do this during every Mass.  That is going to get a little embarrassing that's for sure.  I have to sneak the kleenex just so.....hee-hee and then wipe the tears just so and hope i didn't smear my 'perfect' (yeah right) makeup......today I didn't need any kleenex!!!!! YEA

After Mass, I took the kids and mom to see Marshall.  He was up and looked good.  We hung out for a little bit, then when the kids get restless we jam outta there......today is Brian and my 18th wedding anniversary!!!  WoW!!!!!!  So, my mom sat with Marshall and we went out.  Not that Marshall needs any sitting he doesn't, but I was glad to give mom some time with Marshall.  I guess they just kinda sat quietly with eachother.  he watched the game and took a shower.......so, I am eating lunch and watching the game with brian and I had been texting mom to make sure that all was well.  she ended up telling me after a few texts back and forth (bc I think she just found out herself)  she told me Marshall lost 95% of his hair in the shower and was patchy in the back.  This morning when we took the kids, yes you could tell it was thinning but if you didn't know him you thought HE HAD HAIR.....so, I cried a little on the way to the hospital.  I was thinking it was gonna come out slow and gradually for me....you know.....I was shocked!  So when I left this morning and said goodbye to my son....he had his hair, I had no idea that that was gonna be the last time I saw it. 

I know it is not a big deal.  Truly, it's not...I guess it hurts my heart bc it is the first real physical sign that my son is sick!  I can't beat around it anymore.  It's here to stay for the duration of this journey.  He did look sick Friday night....Granted he was getting back in his bed after 1 am (now, who would have ever thought that in a hospital - Chemo floor at that....that my son would be out late at night!!!) and CHATTING WITH A CHICK!!!  I think it's hysterical........anyway, his eyes were drawn and dark and red, and his skin was white and pale.....

So, I have been getting these glimpses of Marshall that is coming thru that yes, Bridget your son is sick.  Very sick!  Yes, he is tough and Yes, he will fight this, but it doesn't change the process that we will all have to go thru to get there.

I wish I was stronger than this.  I wish I didn't cry at the thought of my son loosing his hair.  Damn, it was great hair too....so much!!!!!!!!  Everyone was jealous too.  Besides the point...see I get off point all the time.  At least I didn't cry in front of him.  I was sooooo thankful for mom warning me.  It would have been shocked......this way i was composed and just treated it normal.  I could tell he was a little sad by it.  Heck, who wouldn't.  I guess he told my mom 'he wanted to go home'  that broke my heart to.

Like I have said.....I am going to ride the waves of all the highs I get and ride them til I hit the shore bc I am gonna get some lows and some reallllll low ones......the only way to survive is take it day by day.  Live your life in you faith and with the Blessed Mother and Our Lord at our side, holding our hands.  If they are with us, helping us, guiding us then it will be okay.  Yes, I will cry, but when I am happy or someone makes me laugh...I will laugh!!!! When I want to go dancing.........I will do the best I can to make that happen.  God gives us little moments of joy, whether they last a minute or a week...they are gifts.  You take them and run with them and all those you love.  You embrace those around you that God puts in front of you.  You offer you life for the One who did it for us and would have done it for just one mere soul.

This journey will break my heart, and wear me down at times, but I will not let it overtake me.  I will not let it shut me down or out of life.  I will not let it rule my emotions!  I am the keeper of my emotions and what I choose to focus on.  I choose life, faith, happiness and my family!  No matter what happens I will stay strong and positive and never give in. 

I love to laugh!!!!!  We will make the best of this!  There is something funny in everything we do.  Heck, Brian laughs at me all the time......so, Marshall is gonna have it easy with me around!!!!!

Well, I don't know if you're supposed to post only once or what a day.  It is dinner time and both Marshall and Brian are sleeping...hmmmm.  Football is on...Auburn vs LSU.  Auburn winning 24/17 with about 3:27 min to go. Aren't the boys supposed to be watching this?  Anyway, love football and love the Fall and our football games on TV.

I am waiting for my mom to fly in.  She is somewhere over New Mexico as we speak.  The kids are so excited to see her!!!! Shoot, so am I.  I haven't been home since yesterday early morning and I have no clue what the house looks like.  The kids were taken care of at our house both today and yesterday which was a stress off my mind. 

How do you be a mom to two different families?  That is what I feel like sometimes.  One family is Marshall and the Cancer/Hospital visits and then our 'original' family at home.  I think in the last two weeks we had maybe 2 or 3 meals as a family.  With Marshall being sick, ER or Chemo for the recommended days.

The kids seem to be doing okay.  Sean our 6 year old is a little more whiny but who knows.  Aidan is definately more clingy towards me and hates me leaving.  We do hang out at the house during the week though when we are home and not in the hospital with Marshall.

Granted this is all so new to us.  This hospital visit is just our second of hmmmm, 14 Chemo treatments with surgery and Radiation in between.  So, who knows whats gonna happen.....LOL 

Our 8th Grade Religious Ed class came to the house today to rake up leaves.  We have 4 huge trees in our yard and it's a 2 time deal.  Once now and then have to do it again towards the end.  It worked out perfect bc the 8th grade class needs service hours for Confirmation and Brian just didn't have time and lost one of his main helpers.....So, Happy Anniversary Present!!!!!!!!!  It was supposed to be a surprise but Catherine didn't realize it and asked if we knew they were coming.  Her friend is in the class and told her.  That's fine. Brian was humbled by the class doing it.  I am excited to see it when I go home tonight....granted it will be dark.

Why do you eyes always feel thick in these hospital rooms?  Random thought, but I hate the feeling.  Not getting sleep, and nurses coming in reminds me of having babies.....LOL except we are here a little longer and I am the one on the guest bed (if you want to call it that)  I am not doped up and sitting pretty holding my little babies.....which reminds me of 'My Marshall'  Man!  He was my first, my son!  All mine (and Brian's too)  but he wasn't a sibling...which being the oldest of 11 kids that is all ever knew.  I took care of the kids, felt like a second mommy I just didn't give birth to them.....Man! It's definately easier being the sibling :0) but soooo worth it.  Anyway, I remember Marshall....the house was sooo quiet!  He was always smiling HUGE SMILE on his little round face!  Blond hair that mom joked that when I nursing him if you looked at me real quick it looked a boob!!!!! LOL  You couldn't really see his blonde hair,  I think I gave him his first hair cut gosh, after his 2nd Birthday!  Red lips, white teeth, red gums, red cheeks against his purdy white skin! 

He loved life as a baby and still hasn't changed one bit.  He is just bigger (and at the moment is asleep with a towel draped over his head-came out of the shower that way....all doped up).  He is not the chubby little dude, he is now the tall skinny dude that is worshiped by his siblings and adored by his parents.

I know all the kids are special and none of them can ever be replaced, but the first I think makes the biggest impression on you.  It states who and how you are gonna live your life for this soul that has been placed in your protecting and loving arms.  It is your first that you always learn from (Marshall reminds me that, but I have to remind him......I was the first too).  It is your first that you are the most careful of letting them go and be free (my youngest brother has it made man!  It was hell being me...LOL).  On the upside, the first gets the new clothes, hopefully a new/newer car and best seat in the car (unless you were born in my family-oldest were stuck in the back and youngest in front).  We kinda made a deal, oldest and youngest in the front seat!  Had no choice with Marshall's long legs...hee-hee

Hopefully, I can sleep tonight.  I guess I just have too much on my mind.  Wish I knew, then at least I could make some headway with something.  I know a lot of it has to do with my mom coming in.  She is going to be such a great help physically, mentally and emotionally.  I am needing her help with organizing the kids clothes....talk about overwhelming!!!!! 7 kids, 2 seasons of clothes to deal with....with each child.  Man, I need a house to house the clothes to be passed down.  At this point, I just want to get rid of them all.....but mom is real good at that and will help me get more organized.  They are all in rubbermaids and separated, but it seems that it just keeps adding up and I have no idea....ugh!  I hate the in between seasons when you need both sets of clothes.  House always has rubbermaids in the rooms for about a month.

Well, I best be going.  If we are gonna order food for dinner we need to do it now.

St Peregrine and Bl Pier Giorgio Frassati, pray for us

Stranger at my Bedside

Marshall had a rough night. Everything was fine but he didn't go to bed til 1 am since he had a power nap earlier with his 'bad pump'. He tossed and turned most of the night (said he had a lot on his mind) and then the nurses would come in...... machines beeped, I had to beep nurse station of 'our beeping everytime'...LOL So i gave up at 3:40 am (Marshall finally settled then) and I was up til 6ish. I was on facebook, yada-yada.  One of the nurses told me I shouldn't be up.....I said "I know".

So, like I said I finally fell back asleep and was having a great sleep, fun dream (I was picking out make up and running it into my bathroom before Brian found out-it was fun picking out the makeup) and POOF!!!!! A light switch clicks on and a light is shining bright in my eyes! I groggly look up and see a strange woman who smiles at me (like a naa, na, na, na). It was soooo obvious I was asleep...and as she  sat down  asked if Marshall was sleeping?  I didn't understand her, so she repeated herself. I told her 'yes, he had a rough night.  We are both very tired!' She didn't understand me. So she asked 'what?'  I repeated it. I was still waking up.....as she sat down she took out a bible (you don't want to know what was going thru my slowly waking up brain), she asked that happened a lot (Marshall being tired and sleeping).....of course, yep, i couldn't understand her...so she repeated herself....I said "well, when he is tired and has been up most of the night, yeah, that happens and we both had a rough night!' well, I had to repeat myself...so I made it simplier this time....LOL! I asked "can I help you?" She didn't understand me and I repeated. she said "no

Calmly and slowly she took out her glass case, took out the glasses, got a skinny newspaper out of her bag. She's unpacking a bag with reading materials and is sitting at the end of my makeshift bed, in a chair looking right at me and is in between me and Marshall.

I had no idea what to do. I was confused, afraid ( have to admit), wished my husband was here.........do I go back to sleep(yeah right!), go get a nurse (which I was about to do!) This lady was definately not going to fill me in on what she was going to do, purpose or ANYTHING......so, finally she must have seen my puzzled face (it took her long enough-me being woken up and my reaction wasn't enough?) She asked if we have ever had a sitter? I asked "what?" (couldn't understand her - dang it) she repeated herself. I told her "I don't need a sitter-we are fine". She started to get a questioned look on her face, pulled out a piece of paper all folded up, and named off the room. I said 'yes' I was like 'who the heck ordered me a sitter, and why is she showing up at 7 am waking me up and has no problem with this?'

She gave me the name that was on her paper. 1.) I think it was a girl's name.  2.)with the name she named....to me.....I would have questioned it right off the bat...Marshall our casper, and me......nope we ain't @%^$#^#*(#@ (couldn't say the name to save my life) she asked marshall's name as if you could get that translated into another way......so, she said let me see. She packed up her things as slowly as she set them out, got up and left.  I  said "well, have a good day" she said thanks with her back to me as she left the room.

No, I'm sorry, no have a good day, NOTHING !!!!!! Marshall slept thru the whole thing, thankfully.....I am up writing about it and had to get some coffee, bc I am UP!

I just now found out that the patient here in this room before Marshall had a sitter, was a girl, AND HAS BEEN GONE FOR A WEEK.

I hope you laughed thru this, bc I will be when I am more awake!