Saturday, January 7, 2012


3 months have passed already

Today is Marshall's 1st ever "3 Month Scans" I can't believe that 3 months has gone by since I was a basket case with the news of Marshall not being in Remission....We never even made it out of the starting, here we begins the rest of his precious life.I mean that in the sense that this is the "regimen" for awhile. Every 3 months we will go in for scans to get the "all clear" I am not's all good. Better than every two weeks of torture and caos. Every time I step into that hospital...there is a smell, and I can even smell it right now! But when those doors open and it's a huge wind of "the smell" it takes you right back.....the flood of memories and worries the happiness, the tears, the's like it rides on the air trying to escape inside. It grabs hold of you and doesn't let you go, til you walk back out those doors.

So, we will wait for scans and again, my eyes will watch those coming and going....I will see and understand some of the emotions and be able to see thru some of the eyes that make contact with mine. You don't know them, but you feel like you do. Because you do in a way, you share many things...not all but many. You see the pain...especially when you face a parent that has lost a child. You feel guilty for your child being there. You don't want to laugh so hard at your goofy child bc it reminds them of their child. You know that they don't want you to stop living.....they probably live thru us now, but you do wonder and your always on edge (I am) I cry at everything that hurts now if I meet someone, a parent, a child, anyone......but at the same time, I miss everyone that I got to know at the hospital. You cling on to them for dear life for so long then boom their gone just like you are. Marshall goes up to the 6th floor whenever he is at the hospital, so that is good. The nurses love seeing him and it's good to see some life versus death you know. It reminds them of why they are doing this job that is so important to all the families that call the 6th floor home. They need to be reminded that many survive and couldn't have done it without them. Their dedication and love of these kids is what makes that floor work. Without them we would be in a world of hurt! The nurses at Vandy are so exceptional and they have done a great job picking out the best of the best for the 6th floor. Now, don't get me wrong..I am a little prejudice when it comes to the 6th floor......they took care of my baby!!!!! Man, do they miss Marshall. He brought so much life into that place!!!!! It was good for both sides I think while we were there. It was a great balance and healthy for each of us.

I still can't believe he is done. I am so thrilled for him. He looks so darn good and is moving along just great. He doesn't want to talk about Cancer or really have much to do with it. I don't know. It took me by surprise, but I can't blame to poor guy. I may not understand what he personally went thru but watching....I would want to run too.

So, here we are and what do we do? I feel like I should be doing something but I don't know what. I am working and it's going okay. I love it, but still trying to balance it with the family......I am still working out the bugs with school. I think we all need time to figure out what we want to do with this. How we want to live with this and how we want to support this. It has become my cause now. It's just a matter of how and when and what!!!!!

I am so blessed! I truly am.