Friday, October 4, 2013
Three years ago today, I got the call that we all had been waiting fo.....for 11 long days from the biopsy results. I remember the phone ringing, where I sat at the kitchen table. Writing down what she said. It was Ewings Sarcoma and he had a tumor in his lung (which we found out the next day...multiple tumors in both lungs). I have been reliving three years ago since August 31st, the appointment that got the ball rolling and from there the ball just went faster and faster. I didn't even cry. I didn't cry when I called Brian, Mom, Dad and Clara....I was just matter of fact. I remember seeing Marshall and Catherine getting of the bus, and walking. Brian came home. When they came in we asked Marshall to sit down. He knew, He even told the surgeon who performed the biopsy in his hip and tried to get it out of the doctor what he had...LOL! I give Marshall an "A" for trying his darndest to have the doctor say it. A friend had called St Henry's and later on Father Steve came by. It was basically a "nice to meet you" we hadn't ever officially met or anything. the parish is huge.....well, now we are all very well acquainted with both him and Father Johnston.
I have tried not to think about it but it just pops up when I least expect it. During Mass, these last couple of Sundays, I have had to hold back the tears. I am not even thinking of Marshall at the moment, but the Holy Spirit is EVER so present so why not. He sees all, He helps you see all. I am not a basketcase, which is good....I would hate that!!!!! I expect to be better by now, feel it less.....I know it will get better and yes, I am better than a year ago. I have to cling on to my faith and Our Lord to help me continue to march on this journey. We hit 2 years in remission in June, so we are closer to the big 5 year (the 1 in 5 survives in 5 years) So, maybe I am getting nervous......maybe I am just in a funk right now. I am allowed one right? It doesn't mean I am any less strong or faithful.
I know everything is out of my hands, I have known it, I know it, and I know it's the way it's going to be. I will continue to love life and enjoy it. I will not let some of my fears take over. They will be there but they will be hidden. No one wants to hang around a depressed person all time and only talking about the fears. No one wants to constantly cheer a person up. So, Yes I am scared, but I will live with it. I give it to Our Lord. It's in His hands.
I will unfortunately relive three years ago for the next week with meeting the Oncologist, staring at scans and listening to the Oncologist explain everything to you very bluntly, P.E.T scan, lung biopsy, hickman put in and walking into the room for the first time where Marshall received his 1st chemo treatment. That smell, the look and feel! I have done it every year and I guess this is my way of dealing with it. You couldn't deal with it in the thick of it. No time, you had to be strong. Maybe this is a normal process as a parent. Maybe I am totally normal. I almost lost my child, I still can loose my child...I personally don't know how else to act. I didn't get the "cancer memo" on what to do or how I would feel and react. I am doing the best I can!!! I will never be the same again. I don't like that. I really don't but I can't do anything to change it. I am what I am at this point. I am not normal and never will be again, some might argue that I wasn't quite normal to begin with!! I have to make my "new normal" I guess I am like a baby..I am learning how to do all this. I am trying certain things and either they work or not. Of course, I am speaking in "emotional and mental" terms....what do you think I am supposed to think everytime I see one of Marshall's bullet holes, stab wounds or shark bite? It takes you right there!!! Like I have said before...we have given them names....and laugh at it.
I don't know what I was expecting out of this blog. I think I just needed to write...just type what is in my head and go with the flow. I have wanted to write for awhile now, but have been distracted and said I would do it later. I needed to do this today, get it off my chest! It's Friday!!!!! Thank goodness!!