Monday, November 22, 2010

Finally made it to the Hospital

I am sitting here finally with Marshall.  I showed up at the hospital late morning for the 1st time since they left Friday afternoon.  I hated missing his 1st Transfusion, but you know, oh well, no biggie I will unfortunately see more of those, so I am not going to loose sleep over that one. 

Marshall feels like a new man!!!! let me tell!!!! where did this kid come from?  also, when he takes a hit from the "BAD" pump...he balances it with a Red Bull...Oh Yeah, that's why I am still up at this hour. 

Brian and I had to leave bc a bunch of girls came by from Fr Ryan....and we went to go and eat.  When we got back, they had all left, but another new found friend stopped by that has dealt with Leukemia.  We got to meet her mom for the first time.  It was nice just sitting in the quiet room and talking about various things.  We really just touched the surface of different thing...  Of course we didn't go really deep into anything, but got a glimpse and it's nice to chat with someone that can actually correct you when you pronounce some "technical" term wrong....LOL! We couldn't even say what was wrong with Marshall.....she actually helped us.  The three of us hung out in the "quiet room" as long as we could but she had to go and get her daughter bc she had to study for a PSAT. 

Marshall enjoyed his time and hated seeing them leave as we did, but we will meet up again.

We jammed to some tunes, talked Titans with our nurse, and such.....then Marshall listened to his music and I put my earplugs in and listened to mine.....He would joke that the music was too loud.....NOT he was giving me a hard time bc he couldn't get my attention.....BTW got him back just about 15 min ago when I told him HIS music was too loud bc he had in his earplugs...LOL

OH!  party going on again in this room...we be listening to "like a G 6" we got 2 nurses in, it was getting quiet we were just writing on our own.....and then PARTY! and now we are listening to Jeff's what time?  and I have to be normal tomorrow.....oh, well, no different than the weekend I had with all the sickness.......

Anyway, Marshall is doing great...he has two gorgeous nurses at his beck and call right now.  So i put in my earplugs and am writing this....feel a little out of the 4th wheel.  You as a parent will realize that these awesome nurses are here for your kids and they focus on them  which is awesome!!! but there come times that you just aren't part of the joke....etc...I am happy to just be here in my own world.....

I best be going...I guess I best try to sleep....

Sunday, November 21, 2010

1st Transfusion

Well, Brian just called me and notified me that Marshall will be needing a blood heart sank.  I know it's fine, but when I first started hearing about the Cancer, the Chemo, and then I heard the word "Transfusion"  I was like...."What?"  why would he need that?  Come to find out that I knew squat about Cancer, Chemo and everything else in those precarious lines of this world.  Duh!!! The Chemo kills you, and the body has to repair itself, and just not might be able so it needs fresh helpers.......Transfusion!

I dreaded the day when I would here that my son needs one.....why....why....would it bother me so!?

Anyway, at Clinic on Thursday his hemoglobin was 8 and they warned Brian that he might need one this Round of Chemo.  When Brian told me.....yes, I shot straight up and realized......It's....heeerrreeee. Darn!!!! I wanted him to be the except for everything.  I wanted him to not have to deal with the realities of Cancer.......I know, it's nice to imagine, but that is all it is....imagination of what you want things to be like.

This morning, they tested Marshall's blood and his hemoglobin is now at 6.5.  It has dropped 1.5 since Thursday. They want it to be at least a 7 for Chemo.  So, we have to get this thing going before we go any further.  I know it's not too off, but off enough.  Brian said they want to give him 2 units.....No clue what that looks like......Gosh darn it......i can't get the picture of a bag of blood hanging on Peter (his IV's name bc it makes him pee all the time) and the line running into his body......

I gave blood for the first time this summer while I was at school.  Never did it bc I was always nursing or pregnant.  So I never really thought about it.  I ended up doing it with a friend of mine....LOL what a time that heart rate was pounding sooooo fast they couldn't take my blood unless it was at at least 100 (pretty sure)  I had to waith a couple of minutes and they came in and checked me again......if i didn't make it this round they wouldn't be allowed to.  OH, I was at 100.....LOL  I was so scared since I never did it before. 

Anyway, that was before finding out about Marshall.  Then when hearing about "Transfusions"  in the whole process of Chemo talks and I realized that my child is going to need someone elses blood to live.  He may need it multiple times.  It is the blood from others that save his life.  I had a whole new take on what I did that summer......It's like a light bulb went on.  I finally saw outside of my world, my life and my doings and goings on.  My blood that I gave this summer possibly helped save another life.  Now, I always knew that but it's one thing to hear it and another to go thru it.  It's like talking about being pregnant and giving birth.  You can say you understand and how easy/hard it is, but you don't truly know til you go thru it........and your like "OHHHH, this is how it works....."

Live and learn.....I am learning everyday about life, cancer, my kids and how out of touch I was with some awful realities of what many families go thru everyday.  How easy we had it and had NOOOO CLUUUUE how nice it was.  Healthy kids, handsome hubby, etc......You take things for granted.  You take life and really don't think of anything else.  You complain bc you can't get this or do that.  Complain bc your kids are driving you nuts........well, they still do.....LOL but at least they are alive and healthy and have the opportunity to bug eachother and me... :0)  I hate THROW UP but at least my kids are alive and healthy tooo throw up....Gosh,, that sounds soooo wierd....LOL  and honestly, I can't wait for the kids to grow up so I don't have to deal with the virus every stinking year.......

I have always been very cautious and thoughtful when it came to my kids being sick and sending them off to school or a friends house.  I always try to warn them and give them the option of what to do.  Since I have many children (BTW Brian just informed me that the blood just arrived)  of course I am not there....grrrr anyway, it takes us forever to get rid of the various bugs that enter the house.  I have had stomach bugs that lasted a whole month.  Depending on how long the bugger have to figure each kid getting it.....yada, I have to actually ask parents now when they want our kids to play with them.....are they sick?  LOL I had to explain to one poor mother why i was asking.....she answered me as if i was crazy....LOL then I asked is she was aware of our situation...she wasn't but when I explained she was like Oh, no problem and she thought even harder as to if any of them had been was so sweet.

But you have to act differently now all the time.  I am starting to realize that this lifestyle affect many people you just don't hear about most of them.  or you hear it, but it doesn't hit you or you don't really truly know until you go thru it.  I hate that it took my all these years to realize that giving blood was selfless.....saves lives....etc.  I know my husband did when he could he understood that from what his sister went thru but still didn't really have a clue.

I remember Brian asking me when Marshall was in for his 1st round and I think we were getting a bite to eat.  and he asked "so do you feel different? Do you listen to conversations different? Do you think different?"  I finally was able to understand what Brian has been talking about since I have known him.  He said "Welcome to the family"  He meant the family of Cancer. 

It is so true......everything changes, you have to accpet things that you never thought possible, you have to watch things done to your child that you never thought you would have to.  You go thru a whole new and different world.  It is a world that is Cancer and it's like living a parallel life inside your present life. 

So, one more step in this world.....My first "Transfusion" for my son.  How fragile they are for so long a time.  God be with all the children and parents!  It's life that is all.  Just part of the process.  It's no biggie to many.....they have it all's their normal world.....God love them all!  They are special people and their souls are shining bright you can see their souls shine from their faces.  those precious faces that fight this battle and watch as medicines, Chemo, Blood are all pumped into their bodies.......I love them all!  They are the strong ones.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Thoughts swirling in this thing called my Brain

bc = because (it's in my posts alot....just thought I would let you know)

It has been awhile since I have written, but I have had so many things on my mind and just didn't quite know how to write it all down.  So many emotions going thru my head. So many thoughts and questions swirling up in that empty space called my Brain at the moment.  BTW, I think I left it at the door of the hospital when this all started.  I haven't quite been the same person since then.

We live in a hard place these days...that's putting it mildy, but seriously, I came from a large family (oldest of 11) and I have a large family (to me I don't think so, but rest of the world does and likes to remind me how children come about as if I don't know), and I hope that I can instill God's presence and love and have the kids trust Him as we have.  It is scary being open to life, nothing is set in stone...there is no guarantee that life is going to be all parties, and sweet nothings just because you follow your faith.  I never thought that THANKFULLY!  Because with this I would have been in a world of hurt......Anyway, I do have a point in there somewhere and my Brain again is trying to leaf thru all that I want to say and get it out in a way that makes sense and is worth something bc I really don't want to delete all this and start all over again.

As a mother to 7 children, I feel as though I have a huge responsibility to the society and being a witness to my faith, husband and children.  I have to be tough, strong, love my life, children, husband, etc.  I can't be weak EVER.  Growing up with a large family, we always got starred at....I wanted to pick my nose and flick a bugger just to teach them a lesson on starring.  I felt the eyes on us, but I wouldn't dare acknowledge them.  I never had the guts to do that.  So, I would go on about my life, regretting that I didn't have the guts to do something disgusting.......LOL  I mean what are they waiting for?  Seriously, why do you have to stare at one table for your entire meal.  Yes, we actually behaved.  Yes, we never got out of our seats and ran circles round the tables.  Yes, we said "please, and thank you".  Yes, we knew if we did or didn't do what we were supposed to do, we would get it later and we didn't want that!!!!!!

I and of course with the help of Brian have done the same with my kids.  Granted, we don't take them out but once or twice a year.  Do you have any idea what a large family has to give up just to be one?  Don't get me wrong, but seriously, when you hear of all the restaurants that kids go to, shopping spree's (maybe not...but just shopping) and the vacations every school break.....Yes, it gets to me.  Makes me sad, but you know I would rather my 7 children and not be able to do all that for them, than have 2 and give them all that.  It still sucks, when someone asks you what is your child's favorite restaurant?  or clothing store.....embarrassing!!!!!!  Marshall is about the only one that has any idea at all.  Someone asked what his favorite steak restaurant was......I had to tell them that he didn't have one.  We have never taken him to one....ugh!  We do do steak, but Brian cooks it here....we love steak...!!!!!!!!!

See, I always go off topic.  Told you I had a lot on my mind.  OK, I think what I am trying to figure out in my life right now, is how strong to be outside?  and maybe inside?  I have no clue.  I am dealing with Marshall very well I think.  I don't cry alot.  I do my little 10 seconds here, 10 seconds there and then I'm good for awhile.  I can't remember when the last time was i cried.....oh, it was when we were meeting with the Radiologist.  I cried and tried not to, tried to hide it, but it's hard to miss red eyes and me casually wiping little streams of tears.  It was very hard to here what this crap does to you.  And to hear it being told what it is going to do to YOUR CHILD!  Seriously, that was hard.  I told Marshall the next day after dropping off my parents you know what.....this radiation sucks, and it can kill you but we have to pick the lesser of two evils, the one that might not kill you as much.  Like that is a great option.....unfortunately, with his lungs being involved, in order to save his life this is our only option to possibly give him another cancer that will kill him.  NICE!!!!!! Damned if you do and damned if you don't.  Even the Chemo is killing him.  We have to kill him in order to save him (God willing).  It's like seeing which one is going to kill is hard.  Don't get me wrong I am not all doom and gloom and that is my point right now.  How the hell do I act?  Should I be honest?  I have been, but I make sure I always have a smile not matter what.  Yes, I have to face the possibility that Marshall will not survive.  I have to.  I also will cry about it, but then I feel guilty for even thinking it.  I am a believer, but I HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THE WORST and that is LOOSING MY CHILD SOMEDAY!  How do you think about giving birth to this precious one, and it was only 17 years ago that seem like yesterday....and you have to LITERALLY worry about him dying.  Not surviving this evil thing in our lives.  Now I am crying.....dang it! I have said that I am worried he won't make it.....and  People tell me "Don't say can you think that?"  Well, how can I not.  I am his mother.  Yes, I believe in his surviving this, but then at the same time I would be an idiot not to deal with the possibility. God doesn't have the same thought process we do.  Just bc I am a faithful Catholic doesn't mean that God will spare My Marshall.  There have been many wonderful souls taken for no reason.  What about them?  It would be a win for Marshall either way.  He will either stay here and we would be blessed forever with him, or he will be blessed and be in Heaven with Our Lord, the Blessed Mother and all the Angels and Saints. 

It's like I have to watch what I say.  I can't be honest with many people it seems.  I don't like to complain.  I always feel guilty if I do, and there have been a couple of times that I did and I regretted it.   We have to be strong for so many people.  Also, some people don't believe that you are fine.  Doing great!!! It's funny that we have to be the strong ones for others.  I told Marshall there will be times that we have to.  Things do take a toll on you and the family.  Lots of things are strained right now.  It's normal, unfortunately.  I don't doubt we will survive!  Please continue to pray for us and strength.

 Things that go thru my mind are not things that go thru many people's mind.  My thought process took a 180 on October 4th and it will never be the same again.  I do have hope!  I do believe!  I do have faith!  there will never be a day when he does survive this that I won't be terrified that a new cell is growing in him, or a new cancer is spawning it's disgust inside my innocent child.

I am right with Marshall.  I am in battle with Marshall.  No I am not physically going to kick it's butt, but I will be there at his side and we will defeat it.  So much can be done for awareness of Sarcomas.  They are real these different bone cancers, and they are mean.  We don't hear about them much and I am going to change that.  You know Marshall has already "WON".  He defeated this cancer by facing it and not letting it defeat him emotionally.  He won bc he is taking it on head on.  We are doing that with him.  We are not sinking into a hole and feeling sorry for ourselves and making ourselves sick with worry.  I am not feeling sorry for myself.  You know this is just a battle we didn't choose, but one that we got and what can you do?  nothing!  You have to move on and go with it.  Take the reins and ride as fast as you can.  Ride hard and don't look back.  Look where your going and don't worry.  You can worry....Okay, now this is making I am talking about not worrying but then in a couple of paragraphs I was talking about my fears.  So, I do have my fears, I am a mother, who wouldn't!?  BUT, I am not going to let it rule my life.  I guess I am talking to myself right now.  I shouldn't feel guilty for thinking at times what I think about.  It is normal but it doesn't mean I am faithless, untrustworthy and such.  We all deal with our battles differently. I am a planner.  So, of course I am going to think of the possibilities.  That way I am not knocked off my feet when things happen.  I digest it, and move on. I face it, and move on.

YOU WILL WIN THE CANCER BATTLE JUST BY FACING IT HEAD ON!  If you don't physically win the battle it by no means you didn't win!!!!!!  Those that give up, consume their lives with negative, think the worst, never look to positives, don't embrace each day as a gift from God.......they have lost the battle!  It's how you deal with it.  How you lean on Our Lord and the Blessed Mother.  It's how you never ask why?  I might but I haven't ask why My Marshall.  I am not mad at God.  If anything I have never been more confident in His presence than ever.  The prayers around the world, the Masses being said around the can you not feel the power of Our Lord?  People say "Gosh, you are so positive...don't know how you do it?"  Well, what is the other choice.  You have no other choice.  Well, I guess you do!  We choose to face this head on and love life!  You have to continue to smile, believe that no matter what that you are taken care of, and never give up.  If you do....then the cancer defeated you!  That is not Marshall, not me and not this family!!!!!!!  This cancer picked the wrong family to mess with!  and yes, you better pray for this cancer bc we....this family...... will kick it's butt!!!!!!!!

Got off task.....LOL 

Also, I struggle with 'help'  I don't like to ask for help.  Remember I am superwoman! I can do it all.  LOL!!!!! I have learned to ask for some darn hard!!!!  I feel useless asking for help.  It's like why can't I do that?  I should be able to do that.  God gives you what you can handle....Oh, and speaking of that.  Marshall is in the hospital for his 4th round and I am here home bc I have head cold that knocked me on my butt, but today I feel so much better, but it's Saturday now and on Wednesday around midnight Aidan (youngest) threw up and I guess I was so tired I didn't even here one of the kids tell us, Brian came down and was like "nice that you can sleep but I need your help"  I had no clue...LOL  he said I answered in the beginning...LOL but Aidan, got it on his bedspread and on the floor.  We brought him down to our room and he threw up a total of 3 times.  I feel panicked bc Marshall can't get sick he is supposed to go into the hospital on friday (yesterday) So, the next morning I wake up and feel rotten and Colin (#4) comes and and says he just threw up.....GREAT!!!! Brian ended up staying home bc he was so tired and he took Marshall to clinic and I stayed with the sick ones and stayed in bed.... :0) Thursday night, Elizabeth decides to get sick.....NICE!  at least not on the floor....she actually made it to the toilet (she has issues with making it...LOL)  So, on friday we waited for the hospital to call to get Marshall in.  I guess the floor was full and kids waiting for Chemo and they had to move around some kids.  Anyway, Marshall did go but not until 4:15 pm.  So far...nevermind....I am not gonna say it!!!!!!!

Well, if this post isn't a bunch of jumble....I told you that I had a lot going on.  I actually deleted a huge paragraph.....bc it didn't seem important anymore.  I was like....that's stupid..... :0)

We have choices:

Praise or despair
win or lose
smile or wallow
love or hate
head up or head down
fight or give up
be thankful for every God given moment or complain about all that is bad in your life

You have a choice.....which ones do you choose?  how are you going to live your life?  How are you going to life your life when your up?  How are you going to life your life when your down?  It's easy to talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

My Practical was not so PRACTICAL

I just took my Practical Exam for Aesthetics.......yes, with all I have going on I had to finish this.  I had to follow thru.  So, most of the time my parents were here, I was in my room going over stuff in my head for the exam and getting products together.

I pick up my model, grab a diet coke left over from when my mom was in town (left yesterday) and guessed it, in the stinkin neighborhood I go for the first drink (sip...whatever) and spill down MY WHITE UNIFORM SCRUBS!  I knew it......I just did in spite in think....I think I dared someone and I got it LOL.

So, with that being the beginning, and of course what do we talk about "Marshall" and "Radiation" and his blogs (which we both love of course)  I swear this situation is always on your mind and you can't run from it.  But there are times that you have to just put it out of your mind.......BUT IT'S SO HARD TO!

In the practical, I had a thundering heart.  I felt good.  I told myself I know all this, I can do it......So when set up came......I was the last one getting things out and disinfected.  Actually thought I would run out of time and not get everything out.  But I did!  I forgot to sanitize my hands sometimes at the beginning of the section (only the first one...after that I got mad at myself!) I was also always the last one to finish each and every darn section.  I would be in the middle and they would be completely done..........there were two others and i was on the end. 

I felt as though one of the state board members was always on my side and looking at what I was doing......I forgot to bring up the towel over the declote (sp?) for the toning and remembered mid, just brought it up half way thru......crap! kicked myself and I had to remember not to talk to myself....bad habit of mine!

I was doing one section and the machine wasn't really working it did in the beginning, but then it wasn't so I was a fakin it.......then she comes over (of course) and i tell her that it worked in the beginning but then just stopped so i was just going thru the movements. she fiddled with a few buttons and it worked again, but as I was doing this....granted this was the second step in a three step process.....mind you OH, my vacuum (1st step) was making these slurping sounds.....LOL bc i didn't dry it well enough and OF COURSE no one else was doing it then since they were speed warping thru it.  But again, I was way behind......way behind.  I had time, but the stress of knowing that two people are waiting.....STRESSFULLLLLLLL!

So, in the moisturizing, I forgot to replace a top.....and i hear "click" from the computer....and I go "crap" inside of course.....and for my Mock Wax........I forgot to get out my "strips"  in the middle of getting the general directions and the lady IS RIGHT THERE BEHIND MY MACHINE......I realize that I FORGOT TO GET IT OUT.  My eyes got huge.......I looked right at her and was about to tell her and then something said.....don't say do I do.......SMILE.  she responds with one back.  So, I am sitting here thinking how am I going to do this?  I can't go back in my bag, I already raised my hand and said i was finished.  I am not allowed back in my bag.  AND SHE IS RIGHT THERE.  So, I sanitize, she is at my back....I rip a piece of kleenex and make it into a rectangle (my mock strip......) so I worked real work fast.........and have her not see me.......

Oh, and in the beginning when I was supposed to cleanse the face....but first the eyes, and, i had just squirted cleanser on hand...remembered eyes, so wiped off.....did it, then squirted cleanser AGAIN, and remembered the lips, so took it off and did the lips.....THEN FINALLY GOT TO THE CLEANSER!!!!

It was a mess for me mentally, and can't believe that I actually passed.  I thought about leaving, I almost cried....but I got a 92% don't ask me how!!!!!!!  I haven't had it all sink in yet.........I am still overwhelmed with me passing....I guess I am just too much of a perfectionist!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Life Goes On

Well, Marshall came home Sunday night....we did actually.  it was late but I am not gonna complain, Brian didn't have to spend the last night on that hard version of a bed!  Marshall tolerated the Chemo round as expected.  This was the same round as his 1st round.  So, when I say "Odd" round, I mean this one.  When I say "Even" round, it's the previous one (his 2nd round).  He has two different Chemo regemins that he is on.  I just of course realized that when we went in for the 2nd round and it was longer.

I still can't pronounce the Chemo's and when I think I have the pattern down......I spit it out, telling my nurse what is going to happen.......shoulda know....nope........look stupid AGAIN!  I told her, I can't keep up, I am told so many different things, I am just gonna be quiet and read my book.  This is when Marshall would make a smart remark back to me.......GREAT!

Today, Marshall and I dropped off my parents at the airport.  It was a tearful goodbye but at least we will hopefully see them in January sometime.  Mom wants to come back and help again.  So, being that Marshall has his Birthday next Tuesday (Nov. 16) he has reminded us that the Call of Duty Game was coming out on Tuesday.  Like every second!!!!! So, as we are listening to "like a G6" and I am trying to merge onto 440 traffic Marshall asks if we can go and get it.  Now, I was gonna go to TJMaxx to look for a single white flat sheet.  Need it for my Practical test tomorrow.....Yes, I am soooo prepared!  Anyway, told him to call dad bc I was just trying to get killed while jammin to a great song!  We get permission for Marshall to get his Bday gift early and we go to Sam's.  I looked for sheets....Well, since everything comes in bulk they go with the same standards in sheets.....NO TWIN SHEETS!  okay got it!  they suck! JK like we don't have needs with a million kids to have twin sheets.  What do they think....that we just put them all on huge beds like they did in the olden days?  NOT ME!  even though aidan seems to sleep more with Colin in Colin's bed than his own.  I remember those days so I am far from judging.

In line, I asked Marshall if they needed shampoo (I already grabbed conditioner for Catherine) he replys "I don't know, I don't use shampoo anymore..."  We laughed soooo hard!!!!! I was like....yeah, your right but you did mention that you washed it the other day to remember what it felt like :0)

You know, things will hit you as they come.  We have been in survival mode since this started and we will be til this ends.  But I am realizing, that in dealing with this situation, and the kids, and school, and hospitals, etc....that as husband and wife.....that suffers.  You know, it's hard enough to keep the relationship "hot"  and all with just normal life.....try throwing in a little "your child has cancer, and really odds are not good.....and here is our protocol for the next 7-9 months...see ya"  into your life and NOW, NOW, NOW HOW THE HECK AM I.....NO WE GONNA DO THIS?  I will let you know......might be years from now.....LOL  it has been bugging me this week.  I finally was looking back and thinking.....yep.....another, I am not worried about us......Brian and I work very hard on our relationship.  We go out every week just the two of us.....we keep communication up and are like love birds still after 18 years of is kinda sick in a good way if that makes any sense.  But!!!!!!!!!  We will have to work harder and Our Lord will give us the graces we need in this.  Because there are times that we just look at eachother and say "sure miss you" like weekends when Marshall is hospital....we tag team spending the night, and together during the day, but so hospital like!  yuck and our focus is Marshall and making him comfortable, seeing his visitors, getting out of the room if there is a limit policy.....last time sucked....we had to leave bc there was a 2 visitor policy on POD A.  it's for a reason, but when he has friends someone has to leave.  Finally the last day.....he got 2 but I told the nurse "I am waiting on my food, I am not leaving he is gonna have to wait"  and went right back to reading my book while trying to ignore Marshall and his friend and give them space......I can do that easily when I read.  Marshall had to go "Mom...Mom" a couple of times......then I wondered if I should have been listening to see if I needed to be listening....LOL  I have heard some interesting conversations ...hee-hee  (fine....don't worry....but gossip and such)

Brian should be home any minute and he is going to take me out for a bit.  You know, sad Mom and Dad are gone, so I am playing the sympathy card :0(  which is true, but I haven't had any alone time with Brian much with Mom and Dad here.  We would go out a little or when Mom would go the the house she was staying at so I didn't totally ignore her. 

Wished I enjoyed the time more with them here.  I was just so scattered with Marshall, hospital and then now having to focus and my test tomorrow.  They would be here, but I would be in my room chilling, sleeping (hospital takes it out of you man!  just when you get back you go right back in)  anyway, and then how I put that last.....I didn't put it last in reality.

I just want this over.  Want to take my test and be done.  Have no clue when I am gonna work.  I am just so focused on Marshall and the kids ( all honesty)  It is so hard to give your all to all the kids.  If anyone tells you they do.....they are sooooo lying!  think about each of to you balance a normal life with all the kids?  do you pay attention to all of them as they really need?  I know i slack......Yes, my kids are doing great so far......but as a mom I know I fail in areas......It is hard.  There is NOTHING EASY ABOUT THIS SITUATION!!!!  Your brain goes somewhere......I would give anything for "pregnancy brain" right now.  that would be doable.  Marshall just looks at me......and is speechless sometimes....well, no...that's not true......he makes fun of me.  Like I said....I make my boys laugh...!!!!!

I will be glad when this is over.  I have no clue if it ever will.  We met with the Radiologist yesterday to get general answers.  Yes, I teared up.  Reality sucks right now.  And I was talking to Marshall about it on way home today.  Basically, all his options stink (except for a miracle) and we have to pick the lesser of two evils.  And yes, they are EVIL.  Just so depressing, but then you take that in.......and then go on!  Pick your head up and smile.....and laugh!!!!!!

I best be going.  Gotta wipe a bottom.........never done and mother is.  and I want to smack ANYONE that says that motherhood is not a job!!!!!!!!  Don't get me started.  I had to deal with that couple of weeks ago.

God Bless You all, Mary Keep and St Joseph Guide You!!!!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Benefit Concert for Marshall

WOW!!!!! AMAZING!!!!!!!! INSPIRATIONAL!!!!!!!!! LOSS FOR WORDS!!!!!!!!!!

that is what i am thinking right now.  we are all exhuasted as many of you are that showed up to the fundraiser last night and set up, cleaned up and danced your booties off.

i couldn't believe the numbers that came in support of Marshall.  well, i can but to see it and it be actual and physical.  my eyes couldn't take it all in.  i saw many dear ones that i haven't seen in years and it sucks this was the way i had to touchbase with many friends.  but it was good and i was glad to have an excuse to get everyone and all those people together. 

as i was joking about Marshall all night.  he didn't have to pick Cancer to get attention.  he coulda done something else to become famous....LOL  i am still working on my Top Ten List of "You have to get Cancer to get......" ;0)

Marshall had a blast last night.  to see him dancing again...that only happens at a "knoell" wedding (that's my side of fam).  let me tell want to party......come to my side of the tracks....Arizona and go to any's a blast!!!!! but the weddings are when we get to dance our booties off......that's when your hair falls out of place, your makeup starts to disappear, and you are huffing and puffing during the 'slow songs' to get your breath back....LOL

when Marshall was on the dance floor it just broke my heart (in a good way) to see him dancing with the little girls....that is so 'my Marshall'  it wouldn't be any other way.  he as always been that way.  all the little kids just flock to him and i guess from last night too....the girls do!!!! now if only he can get a girlfriend :0)  it seems that he may have a lot to choose from possibly......

when he threw off his hat.........i son is so damn strong, and just embraces this awful, sick, annoying, long destroying disease.  he is a champion in my book but he always has been with me.  even though, he loves to make fun of me.....which drives me crazy and such sometimes.  i was about to make him walk home from the hospital yesterday bc he just kept making fun of me.........ugh!!!!! my brain is i am gonna ask stupid questions...but i don't even know if i am up or down sometimes and where i am and where i am going......LOL i hope he will never understand that.  i hope he never has to experience what i am going thru....but it would be nice for some compassion :0)  he loves to be sarcastic, and i guess it's payback for mom.....since, i was, am and will be.......just not as quick as him (that's where he gets that from his darn quick)  oh, and brian loves to laugh at me to...but you know....i laugh at myself all the time.....

so off track......anyway........i am proud to be Marshall's mom and i hope to be an inspiration to him as his mother.  i don't know how that would work....but something.  i want to be his rock and his shoulder (good luck with boys on that one) i want him to be proud that i am his mom...don't know about that.  i want Marshall to come to me regarding this Cancer and let me in on how he is feeling.  i want to go thru this with him.  i know i am and all i will be there to the bitter end, no matter which end it is.  i just read a caringbridge site of a friend of Marshall's and her mother had the best quote that someone told her.....

" either way in life it is a win-win.  You either win by staying on this Earth to share God's words or you win by joining Him in Heaven."

wow!  that sums it's just a matter of being at piece and accepting one of the 'wins'

well, i must be getting off....i gotta put on my face and be ready for the hospital's takes me awhile....LOL

God Bless, Mary Keep and St Joseph Guide You

St Peregrine and Bl Pier Giorgio Frassati, pray for us