Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Scans again....

So last January was a bit of a roller coaster with them finding a spot light up on the scans around the primary site.  Marshall was real worried about those scans and I guess he had a good reason.  So with having to do a PET scan and a biopsy to see if the cancer was back was not a happy house......with the waiting for the biopsy was very hard.  You have all that time to think and wonder and worry and such.  We were all bickering at eachother.  Anyway, biopsy came back negative and PET didn't show anything...phewf!!!!!

So hear we are with six months past already and scan time again.  Marshall went in on Monday night. He blessed us with his presence afterwards.... He moved out the week before you see....I'm still getting used to not hearing him call on me.....anyway, so we got the results.  So scans are clean but there is a spot they want to monitor so they want him back in 3 months for an MRI.  Apparently, they are not too worried but want to keep an eye on it sooner than later.....make sure it doesn't grow.  I have no idea yet if it's the same spot or a new one.  I am assuming same spot.  Clinic is tomorrow and Brian will go with him and get details.  I have to work.  I think that has happened every time......Well I did make a point to go to the last one since they "found" something.

Marshall has made it 3 years now.  I can't believe it.....we've gone thru alot with him and he has with himself in many ways.  It has been a long road for him but I think he's thru the worst of it.  I never thought of the emotional battle of it all.  Him having to come to terms with what his life is going to be like.  He will always have certain issues and I hate that.  It's hard when you can't make it all better for them and tell them that it will all be okay.   How it changed forever in a matter of minutes for him when he heard the words "cancer" He had a rough couple of years but is in a better place now.  Like I said, he moved out, took some of his Make a Wish furniture with him.  We had to buy new ones....LOL  We knew the day was looks real good in his house too.

He has a wonderful roommate, who he met at the hospital.  Marshall was going thru chemo and Jacob came in with Leukemia and was having a lot of issues medically.  Marshall went in and introduced himself and would visit when he was in and they have pretty much been inseparable ever since.  Jacob just finished his chemo in May.  So, Marshall will be good for him as he starts to get out of survival mode and really realize what all has gone on and his emotions of dealing with it.  They have been real good for eachother and i thank Our Lord every day for that.  A true gift.

Marshall is working hard working his way into Nursing school.  I am so proud of him.  He has  such a passion for his goal.  He will be great.

So everyday we move on.  I will always worry.  My heart will always skip a few beats and be nervous at scan time.  I won't let it stop me though.  My faith has continued to give me the strength.  I may hear the words I never want to hear again and I may not.  I am human and I will worry but I just keep telling myself what are you gonna do?  You can't live in fear the rest of your life.  I will loose opportunities that Our Lord may have given me....I don't want to regret it.  He is my son and I want to be proud of how i was as a mother to him.  I want to be an example to him as he is to me.  My hugs will always be a little tighter and longer......

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

1st round of 6 months Scans

Normally, we have done scans for the last two years every 3 was a constant emotional roller coaster......up and down and you almost were up and you would go down again.  So, this time is our first 6 month scan.  I loved actually got to push the emotions down and keep them at bay.  I have been preparing myself for today for the last month.....gearing up emotionally for the scans.....I swear you can never rest it seems.  oh well, what are you going to do?  Keep head up and your prayers strong!

I have stolen a glance or two at Marshall during Mass the 'few' times that he is able to go with us...sad when they get just tear up...I love that child soooo darn much!  He is such a blessing and a joy and yes....a pain in the neck at times, but hey, so am I.  Man....I look and can't imagine what goes thru his young little mind...what big worries and thoughts he has had to think about and will for the rest of his life.  How scared he must be every time he has to get scanned.  Each time can make or brake your future.  His life is put on hold until he hears the word "Clean".  So young to have to deal with that emotionally and physically.....We need to remember that these kids are tough as nails and are our hero's, but they are also human and have a lot of pressure and weight put on them.

Many, well all of them are such troopers and always with a smile...but they are scared and terrified and who knows what else....I would you feel every time....ok, getting my body scanned to see if I will be living for another 6 months or if this is it. Can you imagine?  I can't...I can imagine from a mother's point of view....and man.....ugh!  Is my son going to live and have a life for 6 more months....?  Gosh, am I becoming whiny and one of those parents that depress you?  I sure hope not....I never want to be that.  I guess I just have to get this out every time or something.  But unfortunately it is my reality....I pray I don't have to face that.......

Marshall is basically an adult and I can't just put him on my lap and hold him tight...I really want to!  I really just want to hug and not let go...and cherish that feeling and love.  With him being old...I don't want to make him uncomfortable...LOL  At least I have what he calls me and no one can take that away! "Mommy"  and the way he says it...will never forget's unique and only Marshall says it that way.....that is my gift I assume....

Well, I will stop making myself tear up darn it...I love you, Marshall!!!!!