Saturday, February 12, 2011

Gosh Darnit!

Well, Marshall went into clinic yesterday morning at 9:30 and got his blood counts...they were good, so they hydrated him and they waited for a room up at the "Chemo Inn"  didn't get one til 2:30.  I was working so Brian was with Marshall and I showed up later on around dinner time and I spend the night there at the "Chemo Inn"  Chemo didn't start till 8:30 pm which means he SHOULD be home round dinner time on Tuesday.

These last couple of weeks have been emotional ones.....DARNIT!  I don't like that.  I don't want to cry at the drop of a hat.  I don't want to cry when someone gives me a hug........geeeesh!  I guess as my Dad said "I am holding the flood gates at bay"  Well, shoot must be quite a gate that is up there and quite the flood. 

You have no idea how you will respond in certain situations and I guess I am still learning.....SURVIVAL is key and it can only be done with your faith and support.  That's it!!!!! Don't like it....go away......!

Let me tell you!!!!!!!!  Brian and I came back from dinner last night.  They have a 2 visitor rule now bc of the flu and such, but that includes when Marshall has friends....yep!  we have to leave.  His great friend and another brought him "five guys"  and they hung out.  When we got back, Marshall was talking to his girlfriend and then Brian explained to me as I was chilling in bed....Yes I get the bed bc Marshall can't stand it.  He gets the pullout couch with our sheets, his pillow and a blanket from home (now two are on him) and Brian tells me he wants to be alone.  Just having a hard time with this and is so tired of it all.  Emotionally he was having a very hard time.

As a mother you already want/wanted to take this from him, as a mother you want to hold him until your tears are dried up bc you love him so much and hate what he is going thru, you want to tell him it's going to be okay, as a mother you want to smile as if nothing is wrong.....well, I do smile but there is something wrong......again, I do smile, but when your child has a hard heart has broken a bunch of times...silently, quietly and to myself.....always....okay, I did cry a couple of times in front of Marshall.....I am human....not wonderwoman.....and don't want to be....could never pull off that outfit....I did watch the TV show with "wonderwoman" when I was a kid....remember those.....her twirling around and changing.....LOL!!!! nice good ole days.  She was so pretty, still is.....anyway, as I said it is getting I falling apart?  No, it's natural, we went thru LA LA land when we had 6 weeks off.......then we got thrust into it with surgery and the back to Chemo......we are being retrained is Marshall.  Reality sucks right now.....but my heart!!!!! when he came back (Brian was gone had left to go home)  I just said "you doing ok?"  He said "yep"  then he went to the bathroom and then said he was going to bed.  He curled himself up in bed with the covers and blanket up high and said "goodnight"  I went to him.....and made sure he was all covered up and laid my head on his arm (he was laying on his side) and rubbed his arm and told him I loved him very much and just laid there for awhile.....not too long didn't want to get kicked off and then my "mommy ego" would have been bursted.....gotta go with that fine line of loving and giving space and not toooooo much lovey dovey stuff.  They don't like that so much anymore.  He said he loved me too and I went to "my bed" it's an air everytime I takes about 30 seconds to refill/readjust...and it's loud too.....LOL!  I was trying to later on ease drop on his conversation with his girlfriend......but I would move and then I couldn't hear.....LOL!!!!! that's what I get :0)

Today, I met a mother that just found out her freshman in college son has ALL (a form of leukemia)  she is in shock.  He just got diagnosed on Monday.  I am eating Ben and Jerrys "Mint Chocolate Chunk"  I treated myself bc Marshall had some and I thought well, I haven't had anything truly fattening or good.  All those Bday cakes, I just licked the icing after dishing out gorgeous looking cuts of cake or cookie no dinner tonight.....anyway, I was eating it and trying to talk to this mother and of course what do I do?????? yep!!!! Cry as I tell her it's kinda hard.....I told her that right now we are all having a hard time.  the honeymoon is over......I think my biggest complaint is my darn crying.  I want to be strong.  I don't think crying is a weakness at all......I've done it for girls know what it's like....hormones, pregnancy, right after pregnancy.......shoot we are tears!!!!!!! that's what we do best...but what drives me nuts is that I can't have certain conversations without my voice going or I can't talk bc my throat is clamped shut......I just want to talk without the emotion.  How can you tell a mother that all is going to be okay when 2 minutes after you meet can't talk......shoot...nice!!!!! so, she thinks like is gonna suck.....well, it is...but you make the suckiness find a room for the suckiness in your life and deal with it and it becomes apart of you and your family.

How do you look at your child that is hurting?  What can you do?  Nothing but hug and love him.......I have no idea what my poor child is going's killing him, but it is killing me to watch.....he is strong and he will provail I have no doubt....nobody said it was going to be wonderful all the time.  you have to fall to become stronger, you have to depend to become greater, you have to have faith to win.  There is no "one" outcome for must rely on Our Lord!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Thank goodness for Mothers

Well, another week has gone by and I can't believe that it has been a month since Marshall's surgery.  Yesterday, he went up stairs TWICE without crutches!!!!!  my heart got real tight as I am a mother and I don't want him to trip up, but I can't stop my son from reaching for the clouds.  He is a go getter and not one to sit and let it come to him.  So, I don't expect anything less.  I would be upset otherwise....but doesn't mean it's gonna be easy on my heart.

My week at work (so part of 14 hours) went well.  I had to leave one day to help Marshall get lunch...he wanted something particular bc of his throat sores and it was difficult to do with crutches.  Thankfully it is no problem at work and I just stayed home the rest of the day.  Love them for that flexibility.....Also, I have changed one of my days for me to go in the afternoons instead of morning, that way I get Aidan fed....and Marshall if need be and then Catherine gets home from school.  So, it will work out better.....

I am watching the snow once again come down outside....I wish I was as free as a snow flake.  Just floating around with not a care in the world, but then you go away never to return EVER, no I don't really want to.....

So tired of the cold.....I am getting grumpier by the second....LOL!  so done with this hard winter....well, it is for me as I have no blood as my husband reminds me nightly when I am freezing and everyone else is toasty warm.

Brian and I are heading down the path that only we can go thru.  And it is hard.  I have to be's not all laughs and smelling roses......I try to take time to smell the roses, but not right now.  I am in survival mode.  I know we will get thru this, but not alone and I think that is what I have forgotten.  Of course I pray and all, but I need more!  This is a huge spiritual endeavour that we are going thru and so you need an army to help you.  I really haven't asked for as much help as I should be.  I am going to do better.  I am going to try to attend Mass during the week and really get back with the family Rosary, even if it's only a decade (as my mom told me today) , I want to stop by and visit the Blessed Sacrament for a bit.  These things will help me spiritually be strong for my son, husband and the rest of the children that so desparately still need their parents even though things are crazy.

We get so busy with our lives and everything else becomes more important that sitting down and praying.  Now you put this issue with Marshall and we are turned upside down......even harder, but I am not going to succumb to despair!  No way is the devil going to win.  As Marshall will win (God willing) we will win the spiritual battle (it's not like it's a battle but I guess it is bc you are battling the emotions and you can get sucked down without even knowing it)

So, I will hold my head up high and walk with Our Lord and Our Lady as they carry us thru this journey.  I know they are already there but I need to come to their feet and give myself to them.  I need to trust they will take care of me and my family.  Like I said, it's not like I don't but something is missing...maybe I haven't totally given myself...or just not placing myself in their loving care enough!

Thank goodness for mothers.......I saw pictures of my youngest brother (18 years old) playing Rugby this weekend....and it made me sad bc that is where Marshall's heart is and he would be practicing and said she was sorry and didn't know if she should share them with me but felt it was important for us to see them.....of course I told is moving on for everyone but us and yes, it's not fun, but it doesn't mean that everyone else has to suffer with us.  I don't want anyone not sharing with me their joys, sorrows, or friendship just bc I am going thru this right now.  Just don't expect me calling you back.......LOL! 

Life is going on around us.......and I am is a happy and wonderful thing.  It lets us know that no matter what happens or goes on life will continue and we will all be blessed with the opportunity at life.  We will be able to choose the high road or the low road.  We will be able to smile or pity yourself.  I have to remind myself this all the time.  It's a constant reminder on how you are going to live your life, which answers my own question........I have to constantly go to Our Lord and Our Lady to keep this going. 

I do want the overwhemledness to go away....I know that is not a word...but it's my word...I tend to do's my way of talking.....We are half way won't go away ever.  We will live our lives differently from now on, but at least no chemo every two weeks and such.  We will just revert to scans every 3 months for the first 2 years to see if the Cancer has come back.....and I don't know how the length goes after that.....for Marshall it will be a life long event for him.  He will deal with this for his whole life.  Always wonder if the Cancer is back......we will too...but I am not going to worry about that now.......that is aways away, and it's only 4 times a year we will get all nervous with the results....ugh!!!!!  I hear others talking about that......and I realize that we will go thru the same thing.

Anyway, back to my mother......get soooo sidetracked....ugh!  she helped me this morning......not that I didn't know it already what needs to be done but you need to be reminded.  I love my mother and don't know what I would do without her.  She has always been a strength that I have no idea where it came from, she has the energy level of the energizer bunny even after 11 children she still puts everyone I know to shame.  She is so capable and fun to be around.  She is still dressed to the "T's"  (think that is what you say...LOL)  She gave me so much...just not her energy.....hee-hee....maybe I have some of it and I don't realize it bc I have lived this way my whole life as the oldest of the 11 kids...heck I took care of them for years......I know no other way....just like when I first got married I didn't know how to cook for 2 people...only knew how to cook for 13!  I love my growing up years and miss them dearly....I enjoyed my family and laughing as we did that together so much.  I hope that we have that!  I want my children to love being apart of this family as crazy as it is.......I have to go find something to cook.....that has gone down the drain since this all started......poor kids!!!!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Faith, Hope and Love

It has been three weeks now since Marshall's surgery...I think.....we have already started Chemo again.......So, Marshall has 7 more rounds of Chemo and then the Radiation.  It is almost done!!!!!!!! We are getting there......

I am just tired right now, flustered and just I don't know.  I am thinking many things, but nothing comes out right now.  I am observing right now.  It's good to sit back and observe.  Watch and see how people talk, and interact.  Personally, I am just too tired half the time to participate.  I still think of my nonexsistant hole that I wish I had so I could go in there for a time and then come out when I am ready.

Last week was crazy with  Monday going to Clinic, and the Surgeon to get staples out and then Chemo from Tuesday-Thursday night, then the working, which BTW I had a great week!!!!!  Went in today and ended up coming home to make lunch for Marshall...and it was slow....dreary and rainy...yuck....this depressing weather has got to go away.

Then it was Catherine's Bday on Friday....she turned 15, and Marshall had a dance on Saturday night.  I don't think we have really stopped much.  Brian and I went out this weekend....bc we have so much to talk about...but then we get together....and it's like...."ummmmm, so what were we supposed to talk about?"  "dunno" so we sit.....then we, well.....IIIII start to chat....hate silence....LOL!  must be from growing up with 10 other siblings, parents and such there was no such thing......anyway, then I open up slowly.....

Brian on Thursday had to pull some things from me.....over the phone...ugh!!!! since he was at the hospital and I was home bc I had to go into, about gator tears....!!!! huge and I had just done my makeup all pretty.....and nice....LOL!  COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION~  that's the key...and you have to keep it very important.  I know I write this all the time, but you know it's a fact of life right now.  One other couple told me about their rough bumps....they didn't tell me....just that there were some bumpy moments and all with a situation similiar but you look at them now and they made it thru it.  It's not bad don't get me wrong...but definately more pressure and stress than before....and they are little issues, and these little issues get help within and just bubble to the surface after a you understand?

You know those type of gator tears that are long, hot and heavy.....just run right down your cheeks at a solid fast flow....they burn as they go down, and your shirt has two heavy water dots (one on each side)  that was me just before going into work.  I wanted to run away, just make it all go away.....nothing bad happened or anything, but the lack of communication between you and your spouse...with no time together, your passers byers......when you are at the hospital, your son, nurses, doctors, friends, family is there.  Then when have kids, homework and questions and things to, when can you talk...?  you can't.  it is very stressful!!!!!!  Thankfully we have always made time for eachother...but right now, it's really more of a down time when we go out......

You want so much to be a bad ass and not care.....walk with head high, don't need anybody......person....but then you so desparately are reaching out for your spouse to hold you tight and tell you all will be okay.  I always try to be a bad ass at first....don't ask me why....makes me mad...bc all i end up doing is hurting Brian and eventually myself.  So, we talk.....and we explain to eachother what we need, or what one is doing right now....etc....then we make it on our various issues......we may a fall, but who doesn't?  Trying is's as simple as that.....You feel all better!!!!!  You just needed your spouse to listen and understand and tell you he loves you.....then you cry all over again, bc you love him so much.....and can't imagine what you would do without your bestest friend!!!!!!

I can't wait to go on vacation......somewhere fun!!!! lots of dancing, sleeping in (yeah right, but "option" is everything to a mother) reading, basking in the sun with a drink in hand.......aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!  that is what I am dreaming of!!!!! whether or not that will happen, who so unexpected, but it 's makes for an interesting one. 

I have life here.....with my kids...and hubby.  Lets see:

Marshall~ needs help up and down stairs, can't really extra help to get him comfortable and getting him things, but he's Marshall so he wants to do what he can on his own! He does not like to be babied or a loaf......Still very independant as he can reasonably be.

Catherine~wants to go out and enjoy her friends...she and colin tend to hang out some....I just realized that.  she is always texting or listening to music.....just like her mama (with the music).  I still ask her for fashion advice.....does this look okay.....Brian trusts every word she says......when it comes to's too funny.  Brian always saying "go ask Catherine"

Patrick~poor guy has a bum knee but we are getting that taken care his elbow hurts....LOL!!!!! if it just would have happened with the knee then I coulda gotten the MRI to over both.....although not worried bout the elbow.....we are gonna take care of his knee......!!!!!  getting involved with Fraternus which I am glad bc once a week he can go be surrounded by a great group of boys and learn about their faith as it relates to their state in life and have fun.

Colin~always doing homework.....last one doing it most days.....Sometimes I don't even understand his homework.......he is a perfectionist and loves to grab my hand and quietly as if he is inhaling...."I love you"  He seems to get the raw deal sometimes...he is that middle, whether it be with the older or younger ones...he is caught in the middle or we misunderstand.....we eventually get it.....LOL!!!!

Elizabeth~always telling us to have a good day, did you have a good sleep, please tell have a good day and if he had a good sleep oh, and see you tonight after work.  She is telling Marshall she loves him all time.  She has enjoyed making cards for the 3 birthdays we had in one week. (I am soooo birthdayed least cakewise and such)

Sean~wants to go over Dean's house all the time and likes to sing "Dynamite" and it's precious bc it's all wrong...but the tune is know exactly what song he is singing.....he was singing it last night while cleaning up dinner......he gives me huge bear hugs and is constantly touching me in Mass.....He, Aidan and Elizabeth fight over my hands, arms and legs.......

Aidan~asks me every morning....where you going?  aaaah, I don't want you to go to work....I want to go with you...can I go?  Who is gonna stay here with me?  if I am home......he says "YEA!"  He loves to help me throughout the day.  He is talking so well......and he has this little country accent along with it.  Think it started out as being goofy when asking questions.....with tha perfect little look and now, I am hearing it almost all the time.  He is the only one....LOL!!!! wonder if he will grow out of it?

Brian and I are doing our best!  I hope we are loving them enough, hugging them enough......I think the kids overall are doing very well....but you always hope it's enough what you have to give.   we pray we continue to....our journey right now is all about Faith, Hope and Love!  It's that simple yet that hard.