Faith, Hope and Love

It has been three weeks now since Marshall's surgery...I think.....we have already started Chemo again.......So, Marshall has 7 more rounds of Chemo and then the Radiation.  It is almost done!!!!!!!! We are getting there......

I am just tired right now, flustered and just I don't know.  I am thinking many things, but nothing comes out right now.  I am observing right now.  It's good to sit back and observe.  Watch and see how people talk, and interact.  Personally, I am just too tired half the time to participate.  I still think of my nonexsistant hole that I wish I had so I could go in there for a time and then come out when I am ready.

Last week was crazy with  Monday going to Clinic, and the Surgeon to get staples out and then Chemo from Tuesday-Thursday night, then the working, which BTW I had a great week!!!!!  Went in today and ended up coming home to make lunch for Marshall...and it was slow....dreary and rainy...yuck....this depressing weather has got to go away.

Then it was Catherine's Bday on Friday....she turned 15, and Marshall had a dance on Saturday night.  I don't think we have really stopped much.  Brian and I went out this weekend....bc we have so much to talk about...but then we get together....and it's like...."ummmmm, so what were we supposed to talk about?"  "dunno" so we sit.....then we, well.....IIIII start to chat....hate silence....LOL!  must be from growing up with 10 other siblings, parents and such there was no quiet....no such thing......anyway, then I open up slowly.....

Brian on Thursday had to pull some things from me.....over the phone...ugh!!!! since he was at the hospital and I was home bc I had to go into work.....so, man.....talk about gator tears....!!!! huge and I had just done my makeup all pretty.....and nice....LOL!  COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION~  that's the key...and you have to keep it up....so very important.  I know I write this all the time, but you know it's a fact of life right now.  One other couple told me about their rough bumps....they didn't tell me....just that there were some bumpy moments and all with a situation similiar but you look at them now and they made it thru it.  It's not bad don't get me wrong...but definately more pressure and stress than before....and they are little issues, and these little issues get help within and just bubble to the surface after a time.....do you understand?

You know those type of gator tears that are long, hot and heavy.....just run right down your cheeks at a solid fast flow....they burn as they go down, and your shirt has two heavy water dots (one on each side)  that was me just before going into work.  I wanted to run away, just make it all go away.....nothing bad happened or anything, but the lack of communication between you and your spouse...with no time together, your passers byers......when you are at the hospital, your son, nurses, doctors, friends, family is there.  Then when home...you have kids, homework and questions and things to plan....so, when can you talk...?  you can't.  it is very stressful!!!!!!  Thankfully we have always made time for eachother...but right now, it's really more of a down time when we go out......

You want so much to be a bad ass and not care.....walk with head high, don't need anybody......person....but then you so desparately are reaching out for your spouse to hold you tight and tell you all will be okay.  I always try to be a bad ass at first....don't ask me why....makes me mad...bc all i end up doing is hurting Brian and eventually myself.  So, we talk.....and we explain to eachother what we need, or what one is doing right now....etc....then we make it better...work on our various issues......we may a fall, but who doesn't?  Trying is everything.....then....it's as simple as that.....You feel all better!!!!!  You just needed your spouse to listen and understand and tell you he loves you.....then you cry all over again, bc you love him so much.....and can't imagine what you would do without your bestest friend!!!!!!

I can't wait to go on vacation......somewhere fun!!!! lots of dancing, sleeping in (yeah right, but "option" is everything to a mother) reading, basking in the sun with a drink in hand.......aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!  that is what I am dreaming of!!!!! whether or not that will happen, who knows......life....is so unexpected, but it 's makes for an interesting one. 

I have life here.....with my kids...and hubby.  Lets see:

Marshall~ needs help up and down stairs, can't really sit...so extra help to get him comfortable and getting him things, but he's Marshall so he wants to do what he can on his own! He does not like to be babied or a loaf......Still very independant as he can reasonably be.

Catherine~wants to go out and enjoy her friends...she and colin tend to hang out some....I just realized that.  she is always texting or listening to music.....just like her mama (with the music).  I still ask her for fashion advice.....does this look okay.....Brian trusts every word she says......when it comes to that.....it's too funny.  Brian always saying "go ask Catherine"

Patrick~poor guy has a bum knee but we are getting that taken care of...now his elbow hurts....LOL!!!!! if it just would have happened with the knee then I coulda gotten the MRI to over both.....although not worried bout the elbow.....we are gonna take care of his knee......!!!!!  getting involved with Fraternus which I am glad bc once a week he can go be surrounded by a great group of boys and learn about their faith as it relates to their state in life and have fun.

Colin~always doing homework.....last one doing it most days.....Sometimes I don't even understand his homework.......he is a perfectionist and loves to grab my hand and quietly as if he is inhaling...."I love you"  He seems to get the raw deal sometimes...he is that middle child....so, whether it be with the older or younger ones...he is caught in the middle or we misunderstand.....we eventually get it.....LOL!!!!

Elizabeth~always telling us to have a good day, did you have a good sleep, please tell dad.....to have a good day and if he had a good sleep oh, and see you tonight after work.  She is telling Marshall she loves him all time.  She has enjoyed making cards for the 3 birthdays we had in one week. (I am soooo birthdayed out....at least cakewise and such)

Sean~wants to go over Dean's house all the time and likes to sing "Dynamite" and it's precious bc it's all wrong...but the tune is perfect..you know exactly what song he is singing.....he was singing it last night while cleaning up dinner......he gives me huge bear hugs and is constantly touching me in Mass.....He, Aidan and Elizabeth fight over my hands, arms and legs.......

Aidan~asks me every morning....where you going?  aaaah, I don't want you to go to work....I want to go with you...can I go?  Who is gonna stay here with me?  if I am home......he says "YEA!"  He loves to help me throughout the day.  He is talking so well......and he has this little country accent along with it.  Think it started out as being goofy when asking questions.....with tha perfect little look and now, I am hearing it almost all the time.  He is the only one....LOL!!!! wonder if he will grow out of it?

Brian and I are doing our best!  I hope we are loving them enough, hugging them enough......I think the kids overall are doing very well....but you always hope it's enough what you have to give.   we pray we continue to....our journey right now is all about Faith, Hope and Love!  It's that simple yet that hard.