He's got this!!!!!

Here I am...up for the day and wondering what it will have in store for us.  Marshall goes in today at 12:30.  we have to be there at 10:30.  We will wait, get called back, wait some more, answer questions for the millionth time, meet the doctors that will have our son in their hands, leave and wait in the huge room with other families having a child in surgery.  then they will update us and tell us to wait in a room for the surgeon to come and talk to us. 

Right there!!!! that is when my heart is going to stop. i keep envisioning what he will say, what the news will be and how i will walk out of that room.....which one is it?  i do not know.  what is Our Lord asking of Marshall, me, and Brian.  i do not know.  how will my life, our lives be different?  i do not know.  we can do this.  Marshall has this.  Please God let this be true!!!!!

I was very emotional yesterday (sunday)  i had finally chilled and got it all digested by friday.  but it was the feast of Pentecost at Mass......i was like....great, of course it is.  don't get me wrong.......i just knew the tears would be a flowing.......i did good......held off til communion...on and off earlier but got them to remain in my eyes......we got asked to bring up the gifts.  i thought it was ironic that the last time marshall went into surgery we got asked.  it was a sunday and he was going in on a monday.......of course i remind the kids to genuflect after handing the gifts to Father and sean didn't get the memo.....he turned left to head back to the pew, and colin and genuflected and sean trips over his leg....of course i kinda grab him and i am kinda laughing, trying not to........bc we are in Mass.......gotta love a big family and it's ups and downs...literally.

i woke up yesterday emotional again i think bc the surgery was tomorrow so i had to think about it.  have to pack and plan.......my work gave me a card via brian yesterday afternoon and said that they loved and supported me and have a surprise visitor for me...can i guess who?  well, brian said brook contacted him......so, i thought her brother from "little big town"  i ran out of the room and told the kids...clean up, clean up we have a visitor coming...they asked who and i said i don't know but maybe....blah, blah blah......had to fake it in the areas they would possibly be coming....ran down and told marshall and his girlfriend......

i went up to bed and rested looking at every car wondering when he would come.  i ended up falling asleep and someone said their here!!!!! i jump up and see our friend's car.......kinda registered kinda not.....they were bringing us dinner so i went to the bathroom, powdered my nose...and came out of the room and saw our friend.  he told me to go downstairs and had a surprise.......it was down there....i go down, still extremely sleepy and fuzzy.....and brian shows me the basketball all signed.....i was like ok......still don't know about the ball forgot.  so catherine tells me by the way you know your pink dress?  so eighties prom like......hot pink and poofy!!!! yeah baby!!!! i said yes.  she said will it got ripped the kids were playing and ripped it......i said ok lets see how bad...something like that......thank goodness i was still half asleep and people were around i would have killed a few peoples........so i go in and there in the closet my mom jumps up and down....SURPRISE.....i was silent....like not breathing.......i hugged her so hard and cried and cried......wow!!!!! that was incredible....and still in shock....

we had a great dinner as a family.  marshall wanted steak and crab legs...and that's what he got from our friends......i had a great steak and sweet potatoe, salad......yummmmmmmmmm  we all feasted!!!!!

so here we are today and i must run...it's late and i have to pack, get ready and go to work for 1 client then heading to the hospital...........

my heart hurts, and it's been beating nonstop.....alllllll night.  kept dreaming of i have no clue.........tossed and turned....today is the day!!!!!! bring it on.......and let's see how it ends up.

Our Lord be with my son, and this family!  Blessed Mother hold my son while the surgeons are working on him. Angels and Saints guide and protect my son and all those that will be assisting in marshall's surgery! 

deflated

I went to work yesterday hoping to get a call and tell me the words "remission"  it's what every parent wants to hear and expects it.....My 10 am client had to move to 12 pm.  i was mad, bc i had just walked into work and had 2 hours to do nothing, about 10 minutes later marshall's oncologist called.  He apologised for not calling last night, i never expected it......and went on to tell me that they didn't have all the official results/reports from the PET and the MRI, but looked okay, and that the bone was good, but........silence......and he went on about a nodule/tumor that has been there since the beginning and they have been watching it....well, it did grow.  so, we don't know what it is.  and only way to tell is surgery.  my heart sunk........a couple of friends have been using the term "deflated"  yep.....i was like an accordian releasing all the air.....but i handled myself really well on the phone with him.  said we were gonna come up with a game plan, and have some options, but we will get together tomorrow (today...now) and all sit and talk, go over the scans and figure out what we are gonna do.

when i called brian to tell him, it hit me then as i broke down and when i was telling him, i was realizing the possiblity that sure it can be just an infection and no biggie or something much greater with stakes i don't even want to think about......so, i let brian know, then i called mom.....darn it...think the whole building heard me balling.....i couldn't contain it......i guess when you talk to your mom that's what happens.  she holds you and takes care of you and need her....this was over the phone of course.....felt bad for my mom....she couldn't do a thing...then she told me to call dad that he would like to hear it from me....so i called and i told him.....

i tried to stay at work, it was creeping up to 12 pm and my clients were adding up........i was gonna try, but i kept crying.....and bless my co-workers they would come in and give me a hug, and of course i would cry allllll over again....my eyes hurt, my cheeks hurt, my heart hurt......

i left work and brian and i met somewhere to see eachother and wait for marshall to get home to tell him.  he took it so well......i wish i could be strong like him.  i really do.  there is nothing we can do, praise God it's operable.....so there is hope......it's just another waiting game to see what it is.  and it's probably nothing, but as a parent you remember what the doctors told you in the beginning about how aggressive this cancer is and it coming back....well, shoot whatever this is never left...so your mind starts wondering and it's so stinking human....darn it!!! now, i don't break down in front of him.  i fell apart all day long behind the scenes.

yesterday, was the first time that the word "why" came in my head, but i told it to go away.....but it's creeping in my head....i can't....i can't....i can't......i have come this far, we have been taken care of and will continue to....but let me tell you.  this is the most scared i have been thru all of this.  i am absolutely terrified........my heart won't stop beating fast, my mind won't turn off the possiblities...i want answers, i want to sleep again.....i want to scream...i want to grab marshall and run...run...run....as far away as i can and get away from all this.  i want to take him to a safe place and just hold him.......he's my child, my husband's son, he's his siblings brother......etc......he is loved by so many and prayed for by millions.....

Our Lord will be with marshall, brian, the kids and me as we yet again walk thru another door with unknown certainties for just a little bit.  i will be patient.....yeah right!  i just thought we were done.....simple as that.....well, this flat tire is gonna go meet with the doctors......until later!  pray for us