Monday, May 30, 2011

This is it....for now #4

i am up....don't know how....i guess all us mom's just are able to do things we really don't want to do.  Marshall is falling back asleep.  it is 9:35 am on Monday morning and marshall's chemo is done, and he is so close to being unhooked from "peter" forever....hopefully!  marshall got his last chemo last night around 12ish in the morning and then at 3:30 am the nurses came in and were counting down the last was hilarious....they wanted to do a normal countdown 9...8..7.....but it had to like this 7.................................6 (nope).....................6.....................................................................................5......(not yet)............

it was so funny....and the last drop finished at 3:36 am!!!!  man...what a word.  DONE!

i am not as emotional now.  i have gotten better since yesterday.  i think i have come to terms with what this all means and is.  for me it's always hard in the beginning but then i give it time to sink in and i am ready to go.  i can do this!!!! i so can do this!!!!

I won't let the unknown waste my life away.  i will continue to pray and have faith that Our Lord is with Marshall.  i know He is, but it is still scary. 

we have reached the end and a new beginning.  as marshall gets up, showers, gets dressed, unhooks, and walks out of here....these steps are steps that have never been taken by this family.  we started this as a family and we will walk this as a family. 

I want to thank the Blessed Mother for being with me during these trying times on me.  as a mother of a large ( i guess....kinda small to me) family, settling into working for the first time in years and taking care of marshall, you were there.  i felt you daily, hourly, every minute and second.  you never changed the image i have of you in my head as i had of you when i first moved here and cried my heart out for my mom that i missed terribly and still do. 

thinking about that....hmmmmm.  i have always done things alone in my family. it's funny, you can be the oldest of 11 kids but still do everything by yourself.  i walked across the desert by myself in kindergarten to wait at the bus stop.  i was the first to graduate, i went to trivium a school in Massachusetts for my junior and senior year in high myself...i crossed the country three times a year doing that all by myself with those big planes, and bigger airports......i went to college (now that's no biggie)  but i was alone living in nashville, not knowing a soul or the family i roomed with while, did that change....LOL

i was the first to move away permanently......let me tell you....being 8 months pregnant with your second child and leaving your family to move to where your husband is from way, way, way far away......ugh......i will never forget that pain that i felt.  i still have some of that pain bc i miss so much at home.  all the nieces and nephews, parties, sacraments......weddings.......all that....anyway, that is not the point here, i am getting off topic, but i did it first and alone in a sense of not having my family with me.  i did have my husband and my marshall in the backseat, but brian was happy.....i wasn'!  so i consider it "alone" for the point.  i always wondered why i did everything alone, and all.  my other siblings always had one or two other siblings with them at trivium for their high school they had someone to fly with, stay with and a family member to talk to.  i remember my first year at trivium.  i racked up mom and dad's phone bill to over $300.00 i think...or more.  in those days long distance wasn't free.......we didn't have cell phones....then either...gosh, i am talking about the "good ole days" 

i wonder if my journeys that i took "alone"  with no one to be there with me, were in a sense a guide and setting for this right now.  the unknowns of this cancer with marshall and never experiencing it before...i didn't know, like i didn't know what was to come when i did all i did growing up alone.  i was the "setter" for the whole family....not that anyone is going to follow in my footsteps...well, let's hope not!!!!!! this is one pack i don't want to be the leader of....that's for sure!!!! i would rather it happen to me than anyone else.....let's keep it this way. 

granted i am a whiner and am so not perfect.  brian has been so strong thru this.  he too was being prepared for this journey also.  i really believe that.  he was like me as he had to do himself....also, brian is fearless...he has been such an inspiration to me.  he held my hand when i needed it, he held me tight when i needed it, he soothed me when i needed it......he also massaged my feet when i begged..... :0)

no matter what i do, or what happens from now on....i will remember to always think of others.  i will not talk only about myself, and my sorrows, i will take time to see that others need an ear.  i know i have been one of those many times thru this.  where it's all i talk gotta get it out somehow and a friend or family's ear is so nice to have.  although i hated using them.......i hated complaining, but there came times where i just had to.  i held it in so long.  or you try not to let it bug you but it just doesn't work.

marshall did it.  i can't believe it!!!! yes, i can, but i can't believe it's over.......of course, everytime i say it's over...i hear a voice in my head say "it never will be, but i know what you mean" i am hearing voices and they are talking back to me.....LOL

cheers to marshall for being such an inspiration to so many.  cheers to all those that have continued to keep him and us in their prayers, Masses, petitions.  cheers to those nurses that took such good care of marshall, cheers to the doctors that did all they could and listened when we cried, yelled and misunderstood or had no understanding.  cheers to my husband for doing this together and being my rock. cheers to catherine for being mom so many days and nights while we were in the hospital.  cheers to all my kids for helping out and doing what you were told (MOST OF THE TIME).  cheers to all those that put up with my parent's chemo brain of a child's chemo brain for all the misreading, misunderstanding, totally dropping the ball, just flat out forgetting...  cheers to the many people/friends/family for meals, babysitting, driving, picking up, gift cards, etc.....we could not have done it without you all. 

words could and can never express the gratitude we feel.  it is so humbling.  there is so much to be thankful for.  the list goes on and on!!!!! i am going to remember (not always) to be thankful, look at the bright side....things could be so much worse, don't dwell on the 'why'  just embrace and move on, laugh, love, and remember Our Lord is tending to His flock....He always will.  so no matter what, we are in God's hands.  we all have a story to tell.  it's up to us how we are gonna tell it.  how we are gonna live it.  i get chances everyday and minute on how i am gonna tell my story.  am i gonna do it with a smile and hope or bring them down and feel sorry for me.  marshall is an inspiration as to how to embrace this huge cross that was given to him.  always with a smile, while laughing and making a joke of it, but serious when need be.  he never lost his faith, always had hope and shared his love!

very soon we will walk out of this room, this floor, and those elevators......

Sunday, May 29, 2011

This is It.....for now #3

Well, it's sunday and brian spent the night last night.  it was brian's last night...hopefully forever!!!!!  we sat at blackstone's for lunch today and brian said...."i just spent my last night last night"  it's like...."yeah, oh my gosh......these steps that we are taking are ones that we have never taken before.  we have had a cancer run since october and knew all, had our places to hang out to let marshall's visitors hang and chat with him freely...we know all and they know us.  it's a family in and out of the hospital....

today, i woke up....let's back up.  i went home last night and got home around 6ish and the kids were gone. our great friends took the 6 kids to dinner, movie and then maggie moo's....they had a blast....anyway, i went home with NO ONE THERE.......Heaven!!!!!  i did laundry...bc brian let me know that he was out of "underwear"  so, went home and did "our" laundry.....and i was reheating dinner.....and had the microwave going on, and the dishwasher and i thought i heard the garage door open.  i was like....."hello?" and i heard "hello"  it was my hubby!!!!! man...this is awesome.....he came home since marshall had a ton of visitors and he left and decided to just go was a treat.  we watched a movie together and chilled until marshall needed a, kids got home late...that's okay......granted my pandora didn't work on our DVD and my NOOK....well there went my chill night with, no biggie....but brian let me....boohoo.....i was so nice to just sit with him and watch a, get up this morning and then i take the 6 kids to Mass....of course Sean and Aidan were on each side of me...and i had to make sure they were looking forward, not picking on eachother, then one would go to the other side of me and i would pull them back without looking...yes, i am that it goes with Mass.  we saw family friends and then i had to deal with the "pointing:"  pushing down the fingers bc someone might think they are pointing at them and they are know the's life and it's funny...wouldn't have it any other way.  so, chatted after Mass then took the kids to the hospital to see marshall.  it's been forever since they had been here.  they had a 2 person rule during the flu season and you know what that means....ummmm, not gonna do it....not gonna fight who gets to go and we made it one went...but those of you with large families so get me in this.....some might say i am cruel, but life in a large family works different and there are different rules that apply and we are all good and no one complains bc we all this

i am happy....don't know why......yes i still want to cry a little but i am slowly coming to terms with the ending of long as i don't have to say good bye to any of the nurses i am good.

so, they came brian got doughnuts and orange juice for the kids....brian's parents were here when we came it was great and we just chilled, the kids got to see marshall and granny and papa.......then brian and i took them home and i packed up for my last night and we went to get a bite to eat, get marshall something and then head to the hospital.'s been a good day.  met a dad, actually two as i was walking out to give marshall a break from a parent while visitors were a wierd way...i hate to leave.  i will miss everyone here......we have met some great people......parents, nurses....etc.

it was a great day..... we just went around 6b and asked some kids if they wanted some pizza that marshall had leftover.......we are laughing and see the end....and marshall is a different very happy man right of the boy's didn't want any pizza, so we made rounds and came back to our room and he and his mother (he is 5) came in and he wanted his picture with marshall.  we chatted for a bit.  he is adorable....your have a mom that finds you and you understand her and feel it and you totally get it.  granted she has one thing i don't... a seven week old.....and lives 2 hours away.  we have it so easy. 

i am not gonna get much sleep tonight.  marshall gets his last round of chemo at 12:30...why i had to go get the party poppers....for no sleep...i am drinking my diet coke, had to get a refill......gonna need the caffine....that so doesn't look right...the spelling....hummm oh well.  helicopters everywhere...hear them constantly since it's memorial day the hospitals are busy with life sad...i always wonder what happened.....who is it?  where were they?  all those.....questions.

well, i am gonna write tomorrow...i will tell you about the night or early morning and marshall's last chemo.  i am honored to be apart of this for and with my son!!!!!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

This is it............ for now #2

Well, i have decided that i am going to "journal" these last days at the chemo inn.  I spent the night last night. it was marshall's second night.  They just started his "3rd" dose of chemo.  after this he will be over the hump with only 2 more left......

We have a nurse for today that gave him his first chemo on the first day.  and we haven't had her since, but it's ironic that we get her on this last round of chemo. 

i don't sleep here in the hospital at all.  i didn't get to bed til about 2 am, then add the nurses coming and going, flushing the toilets.....every hour or so.  so i put on my headphones and listened to pandora a "george winston" headphones sucked and i could still hear so i changed to brians......i looked like a hoot with the old style of big black round headphones but the cancel out some of the noise and i didn't have to blar the music.  then i even looked hotter by the fact that i had to use my pink night sweatershirt with a zipper don't know what you call them...i am too tired to think, but had to put the over my eyes bc of the hall lights beaming in the long window by the, i must have looked like a sight to the nurses coming and going. oh well this is no place to make a fashion statement.  if anything it seems to look the opposite here......things go that you would never guess.  of course the nurses are all cute as heck!!!!

i am still very teary eyed.  i am dreading the goodbyes.  another nurse came in around midnight last night to say hey and such and i didn't want to say goodbye.  we chatted and she is so pretty i have to say.....heck they all must be a requirement to work

she talked about this maybe being the only night she will be here...and i started to tear up but it was dark, ugh.  again i go back to all they, the nurses, have done.  i wonder if it's the fact that i am a little scared to leave this hospital for the last time.  all this time i knew where we were, what was going on, marshall's counts.  we came here every two weeks......sometimes more.  but i knew where i was.  where marshall was.  when we walk out of those doors, i will have no clue where we are.  i won't see the assuring faces all the time answering my questions.  i have depended since october on marshall's counts.  those told me where he was, how he was "                                                     " nothing.  but on the bright side....his counts will be fine, they won't be an issue.....but as a parent.....i will wonder if the cancer has creeped back.  ok, i am being dramatic i guess bc we will scan every three months....but inbetween that time......will i wonder, will i look at marshall and try to see if something has changed, everytime he hurts will i wonder if the cancer is back? 

it's a tad like our faith....we don't know, we believe.......period!  end of story.  i do believe!  but there is always a voice of concern.  so, he made it thru this......okay, piece of here comes the rest of his life.....what about that.  i can see and handle 8 months. i know it i can see it, etc....but now.......til the day he will i handle it? 

it will be i assume day to day.  i read marshall's caring bridge yesterday after a saw a client.....i cleaned my room, read it....then cried!!!! marshall tends to make me cry with some of his posts.....thankfully no one saw and i got it together before my next one.  to feel what he clue?  to think what he thinks....slight idea, but never in the grand scheme of things.  he doesn't sleep at wonder.  who could blame any kid with cancer.....their life is on the line and what do you think when it's all quiet and your brother is snoring and keeping you up.....poor ya buddy.

i took two halarious pictures of marshall last night...i posted them on facebook.....

since i am "journaling"  i guess i have to bring up some funny things to maybe laugh......well, yesterday at work...i went to the bathroom, washed hands and then went into break room to dry them....the air thing takes forever....and i see toilet paper on the floor......"crap"  pick it up and throw it away..i have never done that i put my hand back and forth behind me.....and all of a sudden another one falls.....SERIOUSLY i guess so....."crap" again.....i have never done that.  i guess that's what you get for laying down toilet paper on the toilet before you sit, i walked out with who the heck knows what it looked like from behind, prob had my sweater tucked in my pants with the toilet tucked out........i was all paranoid....i carefully walked out to the main area of the store and looked in the long mirror before my next client was gonna come.  could you imagine walking behind me as i am about to do a service on you and i have toilet paper sticking out....NICE

okay, that was humiliation #1....on for next one......brian and i are walking to sportsman grill for dinner last night......we walk from hospital.  so, we have cicadas here in town.  the 13 year ones....don't get me started.  i have been jumpy for 3 weeks now.....they dive bomb you, sit there and stare at you, they trick you, they psyche you, we are coming to it and outside they have these 2 or 3 huge trees.....well, they are all dead, squished, in multiple pieces on sidewalk...i am dodging those....can't imagine the faces as i pass.  and they are everywhere.....flying all in and out of the trees......on the ground, leaving ground and going up into trees....sitting on the the hundreds....AND I HAVE TO GO THRU THIS TO GET TO THE RESTAURANT......again.....SERIOUSLY...guess so.  there are some guys sitting on the patio...hell no!  and i am swatting, yelping, screeching, jumping, and talking loudly to myself......nice!!!!!! that was awful!!!! that's all i gotta say....

so, NEXT.......we get back to the room and yes at dinner i didn't bring one cicada in there...i kept checking believe me.....guys are staring at me wondering what the heck is wrong with me.  yes, all women right's our shining moment during the rein of the 13 year cicadas........great!  so, back to topic.  i want to take off my gladiator's (those are my shoes....steve madden and soooo comfortable for those of you that are interested)  and i go to get my flip flops so i can go to the bathroom....get water.....etc....bc i am sooooo not touching that hospital floor.....NOPE forgot them.  they are sitting i guess on my dirty clothes hamper waiting to be packed.......they are still, my gladiators are a zip in the back and i don't like to do that afraid to where out the they lace up in front so i not so nicely slip my feet in there and tie them...okay, this ain't gonna, what's my only option....?  hmmmmm the option is hospital grade yellow socks with white stickies on both sides so you don't slip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY....yep!  so embarrassing....of i prayed i didn't have to pee last night.  i made it til 6:15 am....pretty good...but i did have to put them on again bc marshall wouldn't wake up to peter (the pole) beeping...i kept yelling "marshall" "marshall"  all i got was "uuuuu"  i was like "your the nurse"  nothing but another one of those responses other than him hitting the side of his bed as if that is gonna quiet the put my socks on to take three steps.....took me longer to put them on than it did to do my duty of calling the nurse.  so, i have had the nurses be my slaves today.  had to ask for coffee (just got my second one) and then last night a water refill.....i am not a sit on your tush and have others serve you....oh, and last night i could'nt pull out the bed.  so i had to call our nurse. she laughed when she came in bc she got paged and they told her "yeah, she needs help with the bed"  it was embarrassing...but to my credit she had a hard time with it.  it was stuck......

today is sunny and was at 6:15 am.  i thought i slept in til 12.....nope...never gonna happen.  we will see what today brings.  i will stay home tonight but be here for his last night...and we will leave monday afternoon.  it seems to be an ongoing party.......all the nurses come in and ask "did i miss the party"  thankfully we tell them no....they give a sigh of relief.  they sure love marshall and are gonna miss him, but he promises to visit.......

so, that is journal #2 i guess.  we will see what the rest of this ends up looking like.

Friday, May 27, 2011

This is It...for now

I can't believe as brian put it.....after 7 months and 22 days Marshall is at the end.  Marshall went in yesterday and got a room good and early (compared to when we have in the past)  by the time i got there that night he had already finished his first of five.  With his 5 dayer the Chemos he gets every 20 hours and there are five of them.  At this point he should be done Monday afternoon some time.

Yesterday as Brian was taking Marshall to Clinic and be with him for the day, i went to Sean's (my 1st grader) class performance.  It was great!!!! I sat alone, not knowing many and i sat with Sean.  I cried...i did a great job holding it in!!!! but i had to command my eyes to stay big and tears not flow.  I was holding his hand, our fingers were intertwined and he was resting his head on me.  This is my 6th child.....and i haven't seen much of him.  I do, but my mind and with all going on....have been not truely there.  i miss him.  I miss all my kids.........

I was an emotional day for me and today seems to be in that same catatory.  Maybe it's the let down.  The end (basically) the end for Marshall bc he doesn't count the 2 weeks of radiation.....hee-hee

Maybe i am finally letting down my barriers and walls.  i have no clue but i just want to have the biggest cry.  a cry of pain, sorrow and joy.  a cry of relief that i don't have to watch my child suffer from this chemo any longer....God willing!

I know it's not over for us and it will never be.  but this first step is over!!!!  I guess Marshall's doctor came in and spent a lot of time with him and brian.  explaining the future and seriousness of it and the emotions and feelings that go with it.  the every three months of scans for the first 2 years maybe more, then the once a year.  he told marshall you will see me til the day you die!!!!!  i am with you for the rest of your life.  he told him about all the secondary cancers he can get bc of this, and the heart diseases he can get.....bc of this.  yes, nice and cheery!!! but reality unfortunately.  All the poor dude wants is to get a tan and hair!!!!!! 

i am gonna miss the nurses like crazy.  you share so much with them.  you give them your son to take care of while there.  you trust them with your son's life and that is a huge responsiblity.  of course your eagle eyes watch every you can never relax.   they take care of you and marshall and will do anything for you.  go to the doctors for you, question them, ask them and give you the answers.  they are heros to us in the Chemo Inn

Oh, speaking of the Chemo Inn.  Last night i went up to marshall's room.  he has about 5 friends up there, they decorated the room and he has this HUGE pointed party hat on......and he was talking, laughing, playing guitar...and in a walked comes this precious little 15 month old girl!!!! beautiful.  i just wanted to pick her up and kiss her and hug her....she has A.L.L  it's leukemia....a form of.....anyway, she would come and go, Marshall would start to play guitar and then she would turn around and leave, then stroll back in.....she has a hickman just like marshall.  so i asked what it looked like.  didn't know if they had mini hickmans......nope!  the thing just wrapped around her mid section......LOL!!!!!  the thing was probably as long as her....beautiful eyes, they were hair but it went with her age....chubby fingers in her mouth.....i think the mother said about another year left for them hopefully.

i can't believe it's coming to an end.  in the beginning it looked so far away and the unknowns of what we all were about to go thru as a family, individual and participation. I am almost done with having to flush marshall every night!!!!!!! i know he will be glad for that.

i cried earlier and my heart hurt, physically hurt.  i never cried much thru this.  little bits here and there and a couple of let downs.....brian and i last night during dinner together....cried.  i told him that i had a bad emotional day and just wanted to cry all the i am waxing a brow and i had to demand i not cry.  i think i am on the brink of collapsing....hee-hee i don't know if i can hold on much longer.....AND I HAVE TO WORK TODAY....nice!!!!  i haven't allowed myself to be weak a lot of the times during this.  i had and have to be strong.  you have so much to do, and little ones that you can't scare and you have to put on a good face for them.  a strong face for them.  strong arms when they cry, which i think we have had little moments with few let downs.  most of the kids probably don't grasp the true nature of what marshall has and is/has gone thru and will have to for the rest of his life, which is good.  i don't 'want them to.  i want them to live in LaLa land for this.  no need for them to think about it and marshall.

i have no words my joy for marshall finishing up.  his smile.....the whiteness......oh, speaking of marshall.  the other night i was heading out to a baseball game and marshall had taken my credit card to fill his car up with gas.  so i was down in the basement at the bottom of the stairs and marshall was at the top.  i was like "hey, can i have my card before i forget."  sure....he he puts the card between his first two fingers and he is going to fling it down to me........he gets ready, some wrist action for the swing and let go...and he sails it off....well let me tell you.....IT SAILED OFF!!!! and the corner of the card nailed me in the head....i was shocked...marshall was hurt like i stormed off so not to cry in front of him...and as i was getting into the car i lifted my hand from my head......I'M BLEEDING!!! man..... i got a little "pop" open in my head.....and that was 2 days ago and it is still sore.......i forgot about it yesterday morning and i scratched my head....bad decision!

i better be going...i might write more later as this last round goes on.  i must get some things done before work today.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Things have got to CHANGE

Well, Marshall is home sleeping as usual.  He doesn't sleep at night and falls asleep round 3 or 4 am.  He says it's seems to be very common with Chemo patients. 

He doesn't look good.  You can tell his counts are dropping.  We are having Home Health come today to get his counts so he can see if he is able to go to the Preds game tonight.  I sure hope he can go, but physically he doesn't look like it.  I wouldn't be surprised if he needed a transfusion.  I hope they come takes a couple of hours or more to get results, but the Clinic knows that these are a desparate need right now...They love Marshall.  How could you not.....LOL

The school year is about to end, as Marshall's Cancer Treatment is coming to a close.  I think we are all ready for this to be over in the physical sense.  It will never be over. 

The kids are playing their baseball games, I am working, Marshall is plugging along and all seems well. 

I was supposed to go to a Information Coffe for Eve of Janus which Marshall in July will be the Jr. Honorary.  It's a "coming out" formal for parents and their daughters.  The money goes towards Vanderbilt Children's Cancer Research.  I am pretty sure this is all right.....opps if not! 

Marshall wants to help make more awareness to people of the need for Childhood cancer research.  Did you know that 46 kids a day are diagnosed with Cancer?  2300 children and teenagers will die each year.  75% of childhood cancer is curable, but some are real sticklers and don't like to go away or not for long.  At time of diagnosis, 20% of adults have showed the cancer has spread, but 80% of children by the same time have already had the cancer spread.  It is the leading death in our children today.  An average of 2 high schoolers a year have cancer.  This is more personal....only 250 kids a year are diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma, and 1/3 have had it spread.  Ewing's Sarcoma accounts for 3% of Childhood cancer, but it's the most come and malignant bone cancer.

With research we can help save these children's lives and give them a better chance at living a full life and have children of their own.  The regiman that Marshall is on, was about 6 or more years ago a trial.  Typically, a Chemo regiman is given every 3 weeks.  That allows the body's marrow to rebuild itself back up and be ready for the next one.  But with Ewing's Sarcoma it is such an aggressive Cancer that there was a trail to have Chemo given every 2 weeks and switch off with two different grouping of Chemo.  I friend that I have met bc of Marshall....her son had a form of Ewing's Sarcoma and was in this trial.  Bc of children like him, they were able to determine what worked better for these particular kids with this particular pain in the butt cancer.  Survival rate has increased....

How can we ignore these facts based on our children?  These children are our future and they are our little matter how big.....i don't a mother to stare into her son's see through skin.  I don't want a mother to hate to flush her child everyday and have him hate the taste of the saline and heparin.

To see what the Chemo drugs does to these children.  You can be all smiley and happy one day and feel like death the next.  These kids are young but they will have an old body by the time they are done with the regiman. Then in order to heal our children as i have said before we have to kill them.  we have to risk them to other cancers, and diseases for their future.  so, we may save their present future but what about their future future...? 

The Chemo drug "Doxy"  that's what i call it, don't dare ask for the full name.....LOL is hard on your heart, so Marshall about three times had to get an EKG to make sure his heart was still strong enough to take it.  and now, as all Ewing's Sarcoma and any other cancers that use max out. Marshall is done with it for life.  BUT its the hardest and best Chemo to wipe this out.  So, you see as we work towards the future and putting him in remission, the risk of it coming back is what kills them.  You become limited on what we can fight this with.

Now, don't get me wrong.......I am not talking about Marshall dying on me or anything like that, but the risk, and the pressure on the body becomes so limited.  It is a truth that must be looked at and dealt with.

I have spoken with other parents and their child may be in remission, but they hold their breath for 2 years.  They turn blue when it comes to "scans" every three months to see if it's back.  It's alot to deal with and i don't want these children to have to suffer like they do.

Yes, it's better now, and back in 1975 Marshall would have died from this.  NOW he has the opportunity to survive this!!!!!! the survival rate is still sucks for him but it's better than it was.

I don't want Cancer to be the leading death in our children.  I want it to be the last cause.  I don't want any cause, but Cancer is so hard.  To watch a young child.......They are just beginning their lives and some have barely done that.  To see infants be wheeled up in cribs and put in a room always brings tears to my eyes...i want to hold that child and love them and hug them.......i know it sounds silly, but the love i have for these children.  Some kids don't have parents in their room.  they have to work or have to balance the one parent family.  Some live far away.  Some come from hours away and it's not easy for us to just "go home" and get something.  We have it so easy.  Some kids are in there for 2 weeks at time or even a month.  Could you imagine spending a month in the hospital and not really be able to go out?  Marshall gets depressed with the 5 dayer....imagine the month?!!!! 

We have got to come up with something better.  I am tired of hearing the words "leukemia, sarcoma, ewing's sarcoma....etc....many ones i can't even pronounce)

I want it to be what it was before....rarely heard the word.

Also, we need to take care of these kids after!  Insurance.....nope not gonna want them.  What are they to do when they can't stay under their parents shield of insurance?  what?  pay for it on their own...along with the scans for a lifetime, and such. We have got to change this. 

Maybe that is my role in life.....who knows......i am starring at a gorgeous salad that my co-worker brought, my mind is now slipping and i am going to go for now......i be hungry!!!!