Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Too Say or Not to Say

I haven't written in so long.  There has been so much to say and then not enough.  We have moved on, Marshall is living life like never before.  He frustrates us at times but what teenager/young adult (depends how you wanna look at it) doesn't!!!! I am blessed for the frustration and will take it.  It could be so much worse.

I have opened my heart, not all but mostly when we went thru all the chemo, surgery and stuff and i had a reason.  Now, I feel as though I don't have an excuse.  I haven't written for that reason, but as the days go by I am seeing the very need of that.  And I want to find a place that parents can turn to for questions, support (mainly others telling you you are not crazy)

As a parent with a child with cancer, you put on a brave face, lean on your faith like crazy and move on and day by day you thank the Lord you made it.  You put all thoughts unnecessary away because there is no room.  You only have room for survival.  So you survive with your children, hubby, life, weather, chemo, doctors, sickness, whatever the case may be.  Anything else...gets put away for a later date.

Marshall finished in June, officially.  Yes, he had radiation but he didn't count that so neither did i.  What i will count is the after effects....but will or would i tell him....Hell no!  You can't tell him anything.  You have to be strong as the parent to the one with cancer and the others.  if you break down in front of anyone then all chaos starts.  You are the example to your kids how to react and take this on.  The way you freak out or smile is how they are gonna do it.  i had/have six other souls looking to me.  no pressure!!!!!! Marshall is strong for us and we are strong for him.  We don't talk about it really.  I wish he would a little let me into that mind of his.  I can only imagine a sliver of what he worries about on a day like today when you are awaiting your scan results.  Our hearts and nerves are a mess...he is the one that has to live it either way.

So, we have had some time to get normal and settle down.  No one warned us that's when the monster comes out to hit you when your not looking.  I have lost my memory...heehee....the kids are always informing me "mom, i already told you, you already told me, i told you last night, you told me this morning".....shall i go on?  then there is the lack of good sleep....but you have a family to deal with, work, chores, homework.....all the likes.  but you can't stop you have to move on.  then this little emotion called "crying"  that will all of a sudden come out and bite you in the butt.  Your talking about you child as a baby and how happy and smiley he was....and you have to stop talking about it.....REALLY!  I can see if i am thinking of him not making it or something...but really?  come on give me a break.  then your hubby asks you what's wrong and you have to hold your finger up (to let him know you are trying to get your voice so it doesn't creak and croak with your throat that has seized up with the emotion so much it hurts)  and so on and so on!  Where is the bravery?  Where is the strength that all these people told you you were?  You can't fall apart in front of your kids.  What would that tell them?  I am a strong person.  I am not saying that to be snooty or better than anyone, but with having to leave your family while 8 months pregnant with #2 and move to another state....it's been 16 years and it still hurts.  I have always had to do things alone...i know i am babbling and have said this before...but i know that God prepared me for this.....I am ready and i can do it, but i think part of the realization is owning up to being human and needing help.

I can't let pride get in my way of getting help and learning to process all that happened last year.  And that is all that it is.....It's a let-down....girls, you know what i mean (boys close your eyes for the next couple of lines)  It's like nursing....when you have been out for too long or something and you are SOOO needing to nurse....it hurts....and it's about to burst...well, not really but work with me.  and you cradle that ever so adorable, cuddly beebee and you know they are dying of thirst....but when you do.....you have that let-down!!!! that's what it is like.....i/we have built up all this emotion and put our feelings and emotions on the side.....well, it can't hold it any longer and it has to release.....but you fight it because you don't know what it is (bc in nursing terms..you are still out and not home yet)  you think am i going mad?  what is this? do other parents feel the same way?  no, i am weird!

Nope, it's real and we are not weird or unstable people.  We are parents that love our child and children so much that we put them first.  now it's time for us to heal.  I am going to work on that.  I feel it's so important to help parents that will go thru this.  We are not alone and so many work thru it just fine and others loose the battle and become bitter and self consumed.  Everything God gives us is a blessing good or bad.  At the end, no matter what amount of suffering that goes on here on earth......there is a reward.  Heaven is that reward.  So, we have to take it by the reins and lead the way.  Patrick, # 3, received the Sacrament of Confirmation on Sunday.  That gift of the Holy Spirit is so strong for this Sacrament.  It actually helped me.  As I was telling the kids, the way i did for Marshall when he was little (i promise i am not crying) that with this Sacrament you become a Soldier of Christ and with that you get the courage to fight and die for him if need be.  It's that courage I needed to remind myself of.  He is there and we are not alone and He will help us fight this battle and it will not consume us.  I received that beautiful gift and I still have but I have to ask for it.  No, I am not fighting a battle for my faith but I am fighting a battle and with the Holy Spirit I will win this battle.

I don't know why i decided to write about this and there is so much more i want and need to get out.  Something is calling me and maybe it's part of my healing process.  I used this when Marshall was going thru it and i stopped.  I guess i just figured......it's not about me, it's about Marshall so why complain...but you know we are not the only ones and I think it's about time to figure this out and help other families.  I want to speak with someone who has experience with Cancer.  You have to go thru it to understand truly.  Not saying you all don't count if you haven't but at this point in time...we have all been hit.  Heck, i have my dad with Prostate Cancer, and my brother with CMLeukemia, newly diagnosed at the end of last year (2011)  so, the Knoell's have been hit hard this year....i know many others have too.  Those that have passed on, sudden ones, diagnosis, shall i go on?  nope....not gonna...you get the point. 

My phone is going crazy with all the praises......of Marshall's clean scans...we are so blessed with so many that pray and support us....it is precious friends and those I don't even know that keep me smiling and going.  it's amazing what Marshall has done and all of those that have been brought in our lives because of this.  It's what you make it, not what it makes of you!