Saturday, October 30, 2010


We all just got back from being at Bruegger's Bagels, the fund raiser for Marshall.  It was so overwhelming the generosity of so many people!!!!!  There are no words to express.  Tears seem to be the answer when you can't find one. 

Brian and I had a rough night last night.  We were up til about 2 am.  We were talking and crying.  I hate breaking down like that.  I hate thinking certain things, but I guess it's part of the process.  It doesn't mean I don't believe that Marshall will get thru this.  I really do!  As a parent, and dealing with Cancer in one of your own children is just something hard to digest.  It is still a shock to me.  I have told people this......LOL so, I know this is old to some of you, but I will just be in the car with Brian or something and I will just repeat......"Our son has cancer, our son haaas cancer, our son HAS CANCER"  I keep trying to wrap my brain around it.  I think I do, but I really don't think I have a clue at all. 

I feel like I have to be strong.  I mean....we have 7-9 months of this, and I am already breaking down every now and then....UGH!  I have to be strong, there is no where to cry quietly, kids still need love, Marshall has things that I have to do everyday, (I am back.....remembered I had to flush Marshall's lines - thank goodness I was talking about reminded me...LOL), he has medicines that I have to remember....actually he needs his morphine right now....he was supposed to take it this morning....but we both forgot.......LOVE IT, so anyway.....see there is so much to think about and do, that who has time to digest all of the emotions and the reality of what is going on? 

You think "Yes, I can do this.....we are strong, we have our faith and eachother"  but then you get a hiccup and it changes a little bit.  Or, you get a reality check with lets say Marshall loosing his hair, or the side effects of have to take a seat and just watch for bit and let it all come in.  If I knew all that is going to be asked of me right now, I probably wouldn't make it.  So, you have to take the little moments that make you do a huge intake of breathe and just wait.  Once you digest it, then you move on.

Just being at Bruegger's one of those moments that you take in a site, that just can't be true.  You have to be seeing wrong, or it's a dream (humph, this is so not a dream!)  But this was a good one.  I am still trying to digest the amount of support from just the time we were there today.  I have heard stories of earlier in the day and such.  I am amazed.  I told a friend that I need to throw a party for the party that was thrown for us....LOL  How do you thank so many people?  I guess you don't.  It is something they feel they need to do, and unfortunately this is something we need....FUNDS!

I was at Bruegger's and talking to a friend and all of a sudden, this woman walked in to the line....I jumped up and said, I used to work out with her.........I always loved her and enjoyed seeing her smiling face....short colored hair, long crazy decorated nails.........and a little sports car.......I want to be like her when I get older......FUN AS HELL!!!!!
 btw, I am not going to get old.....I am going to be in my 60s - 90s and still dance around the house, blare the music from all the stereos and enjoy my time here on earth.  I would love to see this one....LOL

anyway, I tapped her shoulder, she turned around and I put both hands on her shoulders and said "do you remember me?  from the JCC, we used to workout together?"  She took a second, asked "are you the one with all the kids?" LOL  I guess that's one good way to be remembered :0)  I said "YES!"  granted we were like little school girls......giddy and surprise and shock......then I saw that she had a flier......I pointed to the flier and said "that's my son"  she got this questioned look on her and said "YOUR MARSHALL'S MOM" I was "yep"  she said, "I AM DAVE'S WIFE"  (dave is one of the regulars and marshall just loves him to death.  he came into the hospital with two other regulars on his first weekend of Chemo)  I was like.......'WHAT YOUUUR DAVE'S WIFE' again, giddy and shock and surprise....!!!!! such a small world is this.  I miss seeing her.  We let go of the JCC a year ago bc I was working a bit and then went into school so we weren't using it.  then I found out that Dave knows my father-in-law and sister -in- law.

So, I love Dave even more.....LOL   He has an awesome wife!!!!

Well, I guess I best be going.  The kids have slowly trailed in, it is no longer quiet so that what little left I have in the process of continue on.

God Bless!
Bl Pier Giorgio Frassati and St Peregrine, pray for us

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Round 2 two-done

this is my 4th attempt at writing something.  it never feels right or i have to leave it and then the moment and my thoughts and feelings are gone...pooof!

We are home.  we got home last night in time for yummy BBQ pork and sides!!!!!!!  it was nice to be home.  Marshall ate dinner, but threw it up.  it was the first time he threw up since the previous Saturday.  We kept him on the 'Bad Pump" (anti-nausea IV) the whole time and finally turned it off yesterday afternoon and he did really good. 

This hospital visit was interesting.

1.) we thought we were gonna be home Sunday night or Monday morning ..... nope!  this was a 4 day treatment.  so, we learned something..... he has two different chemo treatments.  so, all his odd trips will be 3 days and his even trips will be 4 days in the hospital.  they each react differently with Marshall.  this last round was rough after the 5th dose of chemo.  his blood pressure dropped when he was going to the bathroom to 68/31.  he was about to pass out and the nurses wouldn't let him!  we had about 6 nurses in there for should have seen the look on their faces....being all quiet, i was in the background reading faces, trying to figure out "should i call, Brian"  i did bc i would want to know if i was at home sleeping. 

i think i got about an hour of sleep that night.  earlier his lung was hurting again, so tried oxycodone, and they didn't believe us when we told them he needs 15 mg.  the doc later on said, okay, you know what you are talking about and i will listen from now on.  he got morphine which helped.

then in the late morning the hospital got a 'code orange' (tornado warning) so we all had to go into the hallways and chill until it was over.  we hung out with Marshall's friend Ashley that is there and should be going home today.  she has the same thing Marshall has just in different areas. she was diagnosed in march of this year.

where was i?  i had to see Aidan off with my mom.  she was taking him to the park.  and i had to put Marshall's 'aqua guard' on.  that protects his Hickman catheter from getting wet.  so, he is getting ready for the day.  we are going to go to bruegger's where he worked and pick up some donation money so i can put it in the account set aside for medical bills....which, are slowly coming in :0(

all i have to say is that i was on 'honeymoon' with the cancer until this weekend.  honeymoon is over and reality showed it's first signs to me.  i dealt with it, i faced it, and i am fine now and ready!!!!!  all we can do is take baby step after baby step.  we have no idea what's around the corner, but we will see and we will do this together! 

when something tragic happens in a family, you really see either the beauty, strength and faith in each other or not.  i have to say, i am impressed with, we are not perfect, but we are faithful, together, and here for each other!

each of us are playing a role in this, and we can only do what is expected of us.  our roles are unique but all fit within each other's roles.  there will be bumps...but heck, i always loved it when my dad went over a bump in the four wheeler or the truck when we were sitting in the back!!!!!!

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Chilly up there

Today was a good day....went to Mass with the six kids and my mom.  I dread Mass...not in a bad way, but I always get emotional at Mass thinking about everything.  I wish I could be there and not cry.  Not cry when a friend gives me a hug and asks how I am....bc I am okay, but shoot.......after Mass.....LOL I just want to cry.....I guess it's the Holy Spirit or something.  That's fine, I just hope I don't do this during every Mass.  That is going to get a little embarrassing that's for sure.  I have to sneak the kleenex just so.....hee-hee and then wipe the tears just so and hope i didn't smear my 'perfect' (yeah right) I didn't need any kleenex!!!!! YEA

After Mass, I took the kids and mom to see Marshall.  He was up and looked good.  We hung out for a little bit, then when the kids get restless we jam outta is Brian and my 18th wedding anniversary!!!  WoW!!!!!!  So, my mom sat with Marshall and we went out.  Not that Marshall needs any sitting he doesn't, but I was glad to give mom some time with Marshall.  I guess they just kinda sat quietly with eachother.  he watched the game and took a, I am eating lunch and watching the game with brian and I had been texting mom to make sure that all was well.  she ended up telling me after a few texts back and forth (bc I think she just found out herself)  she told me Marshall lost 95% of his hair in the shower and was patchy in the back.  This morning when we took the kids, yes you could tell it was thinning but if you didn't know him you thought HE HAD, I cried a little on the way to the hospital.  I was thinking it was gonna come out slow and gradually for know.....I was shocked!  So when I left this morning and said goodbye to my son....he had his hair, I had no idea that that was gonna be the last time I saw it. 

I know it is not a big deal.  Truly, it's not...I guess it hurts my heart bc it is the first real physical sign that my son is sick!  I can't beat around it anymore.  It's here to stay for the duration of this journey.  He did look sick Friday night....Granted he was getting back in his bed after 1 am (now, who would have ever thought that in a hospital - Chemo floor at that....that my son would be out late at night!!!) and CHATTING WITH A CHICK!!!  I think it's hysterical........anyway, his eyes were drawn and dark and red, and his skin was white and pale.....

So, I have been getting these glimpses of Marshall that is coming thru that yes, Bridget your son is sick.  Very sick!  Yes, he is tough and Yes, he will fight this, but it doesn't change the process that we will all have to go thru to get there.

I wish I was stronger than this.  I wish I didn't cry at the thought of my son loosing his hair.  Damn, it was great hair much!!!!!!!!  Everyone was jealous too.  Besides the point...see I get off point all the time.  At least I didn't cry in front of him.  I was sooooo thankful for mom warning me.  It would have been shocked......this way i was composed and just treated it normal.  I could tell he was a little sad by it.  Heck, who wouldn't.  I guess he told my mom 'he wanted to go home'  that broke my heart to.

Like I have said.....I am going to ride the waves of all the highs I get and ride them til I hit the shore bc I am gonna get some lows and some reallllll low ones......the only way to survive is take it day by day.  Live your life in you faith and with the Blessed Mother and Our Lord at our side, holding our hands.  If they are with us, helping us, guiding us then it will be okay.  Yes, I will cry, but when I am happy or someone makes me laugh...I will laugh!!!! When I want to go dancing.........I will do the best I can to make that happen.  God gives us little moments of joy, whether they last a minute or a week...they are gifts.  You take them and run with them and all those you love.  You embrace those around you that God puts in front of you.  You offer you life for the One who did it for us and would have done it for just one mere soul.

This journey will break my heart, and wear me down at times, but I will not let it overtake me.  I will not let it shut me down or out of life.  I will not let it rule my emotions!  I am the keeper of my emotions and what I choose to focus on.  I choose life, faith, happiness and my family!  No matter what happens I will stay strong and positive and never give in. 

I love to laugh!!!!!  We will make the best of this!  There is something funny in everything we do.  Heck, Brian laughs at me all the, Marshall is gonna have it easy with me around!!!!!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Well, I don't know if you're supposed to post only once or what a day.  It is dinner time and both Marshall and Brian are sleeping...hmmmm.  Football is on...Auburn vs LSU.  Auburn winning 24/17 with about 3:27 min to go. Aren't the boys supposed to be watching this?  Anyway, love football and love the Fall and our football games on TV.

I am waiting for my mom to fly in.  She is somewhere over New Mexico as we speak.  The kids are so excited to see her!!!! Shoot, so am I.  I haven't been home since yesterday early morning and I have no clue what the house looks like.  The kids were taken care of at our house both today and yesterday which was a stress off my mind. 

How do you be a mom to two different families?  That is what I feel like sometimes.  One family is Marshall and the Cancer/Hospital visits and then our 'original' family at home.  I think in the last two weeks we had maybe 2 or 3 meals as a family.  With Marshall being sick, ER or Chemo for the recommended days.

The kids seem to be doing okay.  Sean our 6 year old is a little more whiny but who knows.  Aidan is definately more clingy towards me and hates me leaving.  We do hang out at the house during the week though when we are home and not in the hospital with Marshall.

Granted this is all so new to us.  This hospital visit is just our second of hmmmm, 14 Chemo treatments with surgery and Radiation in between.  So, who knows whats gonna happen.....LOL 

Our 8th Grade Religious Ed class came to the house today to rake up leaves.  We have 4 huge trees in our yard and it's a 2 time deal.  Once now and then have to do it again towards the end.  It worked out perfect bc the 8th grade class needs service hours for Confirmation and Brian just didn't have time and lost one of his main helpers.....So, Happy Anniversary Present!!!!!!!!!  It was supposed to be a surprise but Catherine didn't realize it and asked if we knew they were coming.  Her friend is in the class and told her.  That's fine. Brian was humbled by the class doing it.  I am excited to see it when I go home tonight....granted it will be dark.

Why do you eyes always feel thick in these hospital rooms?  Random thought, but I hate the feeling.  Not getting sleep, and nurses coming in reminds me of having babies.....LOL except we are here a little longer and I am the one on the guest bed (if you want to call it that)  I am not doped up and sitting pretty holding my little babies.....which reminds me of 'My Marshall'  Man!  He was my first, my son!  All mine (and Brian's too)  but he wasn't a sibling...which being the oldest of 11 kids that is all ever knew.  I took care of the kids, felt like a second mommy I just didn't give birth to them.....Man! It's definately easier being the sibling :0) but soooo worth it.  Anyway, I remember Marshall....the house was sooo quiet!  He was always smiling HUGE SMILE on his little round face!  Blond hair that mom joked that when I nursing him if you looked at me real quick it looked a boob!!!!! LOL  You couldn't really see his blonde hair,  I think I gave him his first hair cut gosh, after his 2nd Birthday!  Red lips, white teeth, red gums, red cheeks against his purdy white skin! 

He loved life as a baby and still hasn't changed one bit.  He is just bigger (and at the moment is asleep with a towel draped over his head-came out of the shower that way....all doped up).  He is not the chubby little dude, he is now the tall skinny dude that is worshiped by his siblings and adored by his parents.

I know all the kids are special and none of them can ever be replaced, but the first I think makes the biggest impression on you.  It states who and how you are gonna live your life for this soul that has been placed in your protecting and loving arms.  It is your first that you always learn from (Marshall reminds me that, but I have to remind him......I was the first too).  It is your first that you are the most careful of letting them go and be free (my youngest brother has it made man!  It was hell being me...LOL).  On the upside, the first gets the new clothes, hopefully a new/newer car and best seat in the car (unless you were born in my family-oldest were stuck in the back and youngest in front).  We kinda made a deal, oldest and youngest in the front seat!  Had no choice with Marshall's long legs...hee-hee

Hopefully, I can sleep tonight.  I guess I just have too much on my mind.  Wish I knew, then at least I could make some headway with something.  I know a lot of it has to do with my mom coming in.  She is going to be such a great help physically, mentally and emotionally.  I am needing her help with organizing the kids about overwhelming!!!!! 7 kids, 2 seasons of clothes to deal with....with each child.  Man, I need a house to house the clothes to be passed down.  At this point, I just want to get rid of them all.....but mom is real good at that and will help me get more organized.  They are all in rubbermaids and separated, but it seems that it just keeps adding up and I have no idea....ugh!  I hate the in between seasons when you need both sets of clothes.  House always has rubbermaids in the rooms for about a month.

Well, I best be going.  If we are gonna order food for dinner we need to do it now.

St Peregrine and Bl Pier Giorgio Frassati, pray for us

Stranger at my Bedside

Marshall had a rough night. Everything was fine but he didn't go to bed til 1 am since he had a power nap earlier with his 'bad pump'. He tossed and turned most of the night (said he had a lot on his mind) and then the nurses would come in...... machines beeped, I had to beep nurse station of 'our beeping everytime'...LOL So i gave up at 3:40 am (Marshall finally settled then) and I was up til 6ish. I was on facebook, yada-yada.  One of the nurses told me I shouldn't be up.....I said "I know".

So, like I said I finally fell back asleep and was having a great sleep, fun dream (I was picking out make up and running it into my bathroom before Brian found out-it was fun picking out the makeup) and POOF!!!!! A light switch clicks on and a light is shining bright in my eyes! I groggly look up and see a strange woman who smiles at me (like a naa, na, na, na). It was soooo obvious I was asleep...and as she  sat down  asked if Marshall was sleeping?  I didn't understand her, so she repeated herself. I told her 'yes, he had a rough night.  We are both very tired!' She didn't understand me. So she asked 'what?'  I repeated it. I was still waking she sat down she took out a bible (you don't want to know what was going thru my slowly waking up brain), she asked that happened a lot (Marshall being tired and sleeping).....of course, yep, i couldn't understand she repeated herself....I said "well, when he is tired and has been up most of the night, yeah, that happens and we both had a rough night!' well, I had to repeat I made it simplier this time....LOL! I asked "can I help you?" She didn't understand me and I repeated. she said "no

Calmly and slowly she took out her glass case, took out the glasses, got a skinny newspaper out of her bag. She's unpacking a bag with reading materials and is sitting at the end of my makeshift bed, in a chair looking right at me and is in between me and Marshall.

I had no idea what to do. I was confused, afraid ( have to admit), wished my husband was I go back to sleep(yeah right!), go get a nurse (which I was about to do!) This lady was definately not going to fill me in on what she was going to do, purpose or, finally she must have seen my puzzled face (it took her long enough-me being woken up and my reaction wasn't enough?) She asked if we have ever had a sitter? I asked "what?" (couldn't understand her - dang it) she repeated herself. I told her "I don't need a sitter-we are fine". She started to get a questioned look on her face, pulled out a piece of paper all folded up, and named off the room. I said 'yes' I was like 'who the heck ordered me a sitter, and why is she showing up at 7 am waking me up and has no problem with this?'

She gave me the name that was on her paper. 1.) I think it was a girl's name.  2.)with the name she me.....I would have questioned it right off the bat...Marshall our casper, and me......nope we ain't @%^$#^#*(#@ (couldn't say the name to save my life) she asked marshall's name as if you could get that translated into another, she said let me see. She packed up her things as slowly as she set them out, got up and left.  I  said "well, have a good day" she said thanks with her back to me as she left the room.

No, I'm sorry, no have a good day, NOTHING !!!!!! Marshall slept thru the whole thing, thankfully.....I am up writing about it and had to get some coffee, bc I am UP!

I just now found out that the patient here in this room before Marshall had a sitter, was a girl, AND HAS BEEN GONE FOR A WEEK.

I hope you laughed thru this, bc I will be when I am more awake!