Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Where are we now?

Here we are six weeks later.....where are we?  I have to say....in a darn good place!!!!!!!  I haven't written bc i was/am trying to digest it all, get back in the groove of life, kids, and work.....without the appointments and hospital stays and all.  Man, it's quiet....i feel like i should be doing something....it's a good thing, but you do something scheduled every two weeks for 7 or so months and it becomes apart of your mental schedule you know.

June 13th, was a rough day for me.  Heck, that week before was awful.....I really didn't handle the news well at all, and wish i was stronger than that.  I don't know if it was me holding so much in that whole time before that I finally kinda broke......but the fear is justified, but i hated the weakness. 

Anyway, that surgery that was supposed to be a piece of cake for an hour or hour and a half turned out to be 4 hours, a 4  incision, and three pairs of surgical hands up and down his right lung and no tumor.  WOW!!!!!  It's funny how the doctors and some others reacted to the news of no tumor.  They wanted to immediately write it off to the scar tissue they found "in the vicinity" which was "square" not round.  I was like "nope...I'm going for miracle"  They would chuckle....or not know what to say.  Now, not all of them, so don't get me wrong, but with the doctors it's like they want miracles to happen, but then when one does, they have to come up with something to explain it.

Here's my take on it.....

I personally believe that it was a Cancerous tumor!  I believe God placed His hand on Marshall and gave him the Miracle of Life!!!!! Not kidding!  I believe thru the intercession of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati he was given a miracle.  Plain and simple as that for me.  I believe that God took this tumor away that had been growing since the first scans in September from 4mm, 6mm, to 8mm.  Why would God take away a benign tumor?  Why waste the time...okay, He could, but would He?  I don't think so...granted i don't mean to know what Our Lord did, but I don't think He would put Marshall thru all that for nothing.  My mom made a comment after we heard the news of them not finding it and them having to go "physically" in him, that it would have been nice for the tumor to be gone before the surgery.  I joked that God didn't get the memo.....so, the point is.....there was a reason for Marshall to go thru all that pain and torture again and add to the scars he already has...man, he is becoming  a connect the dots, slices, and shark bites....LOL

Gosh, my thoughts are not coming in smoothly as i like them to when i write.....since i haven't written since the day of his surgery i haven't had to really sit down and think about it.  and it still is emotional for me.......i think it always will be.

What can we take from Marshall's surgery?  I think Faith!!!!  We had/have to have faith to get thru this and continue to go thru it for the rest of our lives.  God humbles us by putting us in our places.....who's in charge.......we control nothing.  Miracle or not, Marshall was in God's hands and that scared the hell out of me i have to say.  Now, he was always in His hands and still is, but i had to put my life completely in His hands too.  My life was at steak, how was i gonna react, where would i put my faith, things like that.  It really makes you think.....and realize where you are in your faith and are you like i say "talking the talking or walking the walk?"  You can walk the walk and still be a basket case.....nobody said you have to do it with pom-poms cheering....okay, some are gifted with that...but me....i sure as heck wasn't. 

it was easier to hear that Marshall had Cancer than it was to hear that your son has a tumor that been growing since the beginning and resisted chemo....and not knowing what it was.....

Marshall is back is all i gotta say!! His true smile, he always had it, but this is the real deal.  His hair is growing and he has peach fuzz....love it.  he is working out, working a little and so darn excited for school it isn't funny.

August 31st is when this journey began....the beginning....i can't believe it will have been a year.  I remember the day when it all began like it was yesterday.  i remember the call i got that afternoon telling me the X ray was abnormal and no idea, i remember meeting the next doctor, and his face for the results of the MRI, remember realizing we were being sent to an orthopedic surgical oncologist....i remember the call that changed our lives for ever.  i remember knowing before the news and proof that our son had cancer.  i remember Marshall diagnosing himself before too.

so, now......what am i going to take from all this?  i am still processing it all.  i think it is still settling in......Marshall is not done yet.....he is in the middle of his radiation treatments...so, i am still dealing with it a tad.....

i will take from this that faith is a powerful thing.  if you don't have it, you won't get very far.  we are such a small part of this big world and Our Lord's vision for the future.  We have no control over what happens.  Our children are gifts given to us parents to tend to, raise, and teach our faith and get them to Heaven.  Death is something that shouldn't be feared, it is a step closer to our main purpose in life "to get to Heaven", our life is so temporary and short compared to Heaven.  Children die everyday from Cancer, that children suffer everyday bc of Cancer.  It's a whole new world that we live in now, with cancer being apart of it.  i see a side i never knew before or cared to....to depressing.  i have no choice now.  i am surrounded by wonderful friends that have been affected by it and are still going thru it.  you can't let it consume you....you will perish.....you have to put these precious souls in a special corner in your soul and pray for them daily.
i have especially taken away from all the the power of prayer!!!! i always have prayed and all, but to actually feel it.....never before!!!!! but never before did i need it so much.  Brian and i literally would feel that power of prayer for us and the family.  there is no way we could be where we are today without that!!!!!!  we would have all broken a looooong time ago. 

to me, all our prayer warriors are my heroes...i know Brian and Marshall feel the same way.  we couldn't have done it without the Masses, Rosaries, prayers, offerings.......all of it.  I will never  forget my Grandma sending me a printout of all the convents, seminaries and such that were praying for Marshall.........hearing people tell me that Masses were said in other countries....friends/family lighting candles around the world for him.......i have to say....if your gonna get real sick.....nowadays is a good time bc of the technology.....you can let so many people know and pray for you.....that's huge!!!!!

i am proud of my son and how he never wavered from the goal.  he always kept his faith and was prepared.  he was/is a grand example of carrying a cross.  i am so proud to be his mother and i am so unworthy to be his mother at the same time. 

yep, i am still processing it all......

as a family, hmmmmm don't know...just got in the groove and got out of it just the same.....we had a great trip to the beach.  we didn't worry about a thing...well, Marshall pulled a muscle (round his biopsy on his right side of his lung) so worried for a couple of days...but it turned out that he just had to sit it out for a day and a half and then was able to enjoy himself and get his "tan" on.  it was the best family trip we have ever had........it was perfect......wish it could have lasted longer but at least we got one in!!!!!

our dinners are back to normal now.  Marshall is not getting up and throwing up, or not eating or not feeling good or not sleeping.....our faces are not drawn with worry or exhaustion.  we laugh alot!!!!!!  we did all year too, but  now the burden is lifted and the true joy is heard in our laughter around the table.  we don't talk of cancer at the table anymore.  we are "us" again.

i love my family so much and they are all precious little/big souls running around here.......they all have a path they must go thru and we don't know what that is yet.  they are all in Our Lord's loving hands and i have to put myself there too.  He loves us and doesn't want us to suffer....but sometimes it is allowed for reasons unknown to us.  it's not up to us anyway.  Only Our Lord knows....and that's His business and not ours.  He sees the bigger picture we see a "dot" on the picture...not even that.  i know souls came back to their faith bc of Marshall, souls became stronger in their faith bc of Marshall, and souls got to Heaven bc of Marshall. All his suffering was not wasted......granted, i would have not chosen him to suffer like this, but God knows what He is doing and Marshall is one heck of a young man!  He is changed forever.  He will never be the same.  He knows what precious and that is life!  He knows what suffering is and embraced it.  He knows he couldn't do this alone and walked with Our Lord.  He knows nothing is guaranteed and accepted it.

He knows he will never be done.  He knows that every 3 months he will have to get scans.....and see if it has come back.....we will hold our breath every three months and pray for acceptance of God's will no matter what..either way.  Many have to do that now.  Our good friend Ashley.....her Ewing's Sarcoma came back in three months....so, they are living that reality right now.  they are in the thick of it, but they are strong and hold to their faith!  God has a plan for everyone.  I remember when Marshall was going thru it.....us not knowing what the tumor was.  i was looking at those that were fine.....and for the first time i started asking "why"  i started to look at those past and present........and wonder......i made myself shutdown the "why"  it's not for me to ask.  it's for me to accept no matter what the outcome.  now, i am the one that is fine.....and they are not.....how could i have been so weak......we don't know the future......we can't settle on giving up.  you can't give up.  you have to fight and fight with your faith! 

every breath is a gift.  every thought is a gift.  every day is a gift.  everyday we are given the chance to offer up our day, our Masses, our Rosaries for someone who is in the battle of their life.  We are so blessed we forget how so many are suffering...and it's all relative.....we bicker about the traffic....shoot, at least we are there to bicker.....too hot outside....at least we can go outside.  so many things we waste our breath on......and we miss so much opportunity on ourselves that we forget about those that really need our prayers our support and our love.  i am guilty as charged.....i find myself doing that and i have to remind myself....it doesn't take long to remember my son!  we forget the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus went thru......how could we forget that...and He did that for us!  if He did that for us......what wouldn't He do for us now?