Friday, May 11, 2012

Summer Approaches

So, it's Friday (i don't work Fridays anymore and i think i am digging it)  This is only my 3rd one, so i am still getting used to it.  Today, i have already gotten the kids ready for various end of the year things for today, a spend the night, load of laundry (shoot, i have to fold one load), swept the hardwood floors (they were a mess), paid bills, updated CaringBridge, and just sat down with my 2nd cup of java!  I am supposed to be working out.  I have to admit that we got the "Brazilian Butt" workout.  and today it's my "Bum Bum" workout.....HeeHee  I can do that later....

I went to visit my family in April and had sooo much fun.  A little too much!  The first night I ended up staying up 24hrs.  My sister and I were just chatting and catching up...and before i knew was 3:30 am, which meant 5:30 am (here) i think i got like 4 hours of sleep.  My first night is always short of sleep bc i am so excited to get up and see everyone...i am like a giddy little kid. 

I had a lunch with some old i hadn't seen since 4th grade.  it was just 5 of them, two sets of sisters, and the one (one i hadn't seen since 4th), one of the mom's of the sister's(she was like my 2nd mom growing up.  i was ALWAYS over their house spending the night and crank calling, etc...back in those days you could) and my of my friends said i needed to write on my blog.  I told her i didn't know what to say and really didn't feel anyone would care anymore.  She told me she loved it when i wrote and to here i am!

So, this weekend is Marshall's Graduation.  I can't believe that my oldest....the little dude that i have remembered as a child a lot within the last year and a half is done with his life 100% at home.  After this, we are his refuge when he has breaks from College.  Man!!!  He has had a great year of school and ask i wrote on CaringBridge...a little too much!  Let's just say the Senior Slide is soooo true!  I have to balance what he went thru last year and what he can no longer get away with.  He wants to be treated like normal and like it never happened but then sometimes you see him trying to get away with they never change.

He went to 3 proms.  They were all in a row, and the 1st one was his, and then the other two....were the other Catholic High Schools.  One of them was where many of his Grade School friends went, so he got to see a few of them.  He enjoyed that. 

Since my last blog posting, things have gotten better.  I am working thru things, and understanding.  I think once you reach out and realize your not alone and wierd your able to process things.  Marshall won a scholarship (an essay contest) from the Gilda's Club (it's a cancer support facility for patients, families....anyone)  I have always wanted to go in there, but thought it would be stale like the hospital, people always told me to go, asked if i had signed up.  i just couldn't do it.  i was afraid of not knowing....feeling wierd.  but this contest that he won.  we all had to go there and he read his essay and they had a little check presentation, but i was able to walk around there and it's so home like.  they have a kids zone and they loved it!  anyway, i was able to talk to two of the women that worked there and are ahead of the support groups and things....of course i cried, while explaining some of my issues and they totally understood.  i want something for parents.  i don't want to go and be with cancer offense, but my issues are nothing compared to them and i don't feel worthy of even complaining in their presence.  they said what we were going thru is so normal and it happens and it's a process.  But...of course i have been so busy i haven't had time to go and set up the initial meeting....LOL.  Everything in time i guess.  There is a reason for everything, and things work out when they are supposed to.

One thing that really has helped me is a death of a Junior in College.  I hate bringing it up.  But it is true.  Marshall was very close to him.  He was going to the same college that Marshall will attend next year.  Marshall found out on a Friday that he got in to UTK, and almost called him to tell him.  they would again be together at school for one year.  On Monday, Marshall found out he was dead.  It was a tragic death. It was a moped accident in Mexico during Spring Break. And it's still hard for everyone.  We stood in line to GET INTO THE CHURCH for visitation for 2 hours.  The only reason we got in was bc it starting to storm.  For the funeral, Marshall had to sit in the gym with a huge screen.  He was that loved and that much of an inspiration to so many. He would drop off Marshall, freshman year (he was a senior) from Rugby practice.  They lived in the neighborhood.  Last year, anytime he was in town from college he would visit Marshall in the hospital, bring him Five Guys (best burgers and fries man) if Marshall was home, they would meet for lunch or dinner.  He came and saw the man cave at Christmas.  That was the last time i saw him.  Who would have thought?  Marshall took it very hard as we all did, but Marshall really loved him and had a special bond.  Father Ryan had Senior Presentation for Rugby last week, and Marshall was wearing his Number.  Man....that was hard.

At that time, I was starting to reach out for help, it was scan time, i subconsciously think worried..duh!!!!! my heart was beating real hard.  But here's the deal.  I realized.  My son had Cancer, is in remission.  Yes, he can die.  But here is this precious soul.  Not worry in the world.  the biggest heart.....physically strong and healthy...and boom....gone.  What am i worrying about?  Cancer may not even take Marshall.  I car might, peaceful death at a very old age.  Why worry....yes, i can worry a nervous......but why give it the power over you?  Why let it takeover and rule your thoughts.  Who wants to constantly worry?  I don't.  that's just depressing!!!!!!  I want to remember the good times.  I want to enjoy the future.  If i focus too much on what might be, i will miss out on what is.  I have my son!  He is here, right now, upstairs sleeping.  They don't have their son!  He is in Heaven....which is a beautiful place and where we all strive to go!  What am i complaining about for goodness sakes.  So, see unfortunately he helped me.  Just like he helped so many people in life.  He is still helping!  I find myself talking to him sometimes.  I want to tell his parents, but shoot....i would mean it in the most humble of ways.  and out of love, but no i am going to keep this to myself.....maybe in the future.....way loose a child.....that takes a lot out of you.  Even his father told me that night at the presentation...."i'm not doing so good sometimes"  this came up bc i started to cry when i hugged him, and i told him i am not good with things like this.  i can't talk, but throat seizes heart is breaking for know they are feeling exactly what you fear most.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Well, that was nice and i was all excited and happy with my cup of coffee....i was gonna write.......and get inspired....and look where i ended up?  hmm...maybe i needed to get that out?

We have scans in June.  It will be his year mark!!!!!  4 more to go!!!!!!  From what the doc said.  the first two years are the scariest, 3, you can break a little more, 4...your almost there...and 5...celebrate!  Granted it can come back at any time but for Marshall it's the 5 year mark that we are going for!  He's that One in Five he says!!!!  People keep asking me if i am all sad over him graduating and leaving and all.  for one thing, yes...i will cry, but shoot.  he is not leaving yet.  i still have summer so why go there....I'M JUST GLAD HE'S ALIVE.....i am glad he is able to leave and go to college.  All these moms are falling apart already (so i hear) and everyone keeps asking me if i am having a hard time.  i just stare at them, and have no clue what to say.  i say 'i'm good' I am just not going there yet.  They are like "are you gonna cry you think" i say "probably"  it's so funny.  I think i am not taking it as hard bc of last year.  i was/am worried about death......could care less or worry about anything less.  I am not saying that it's stupid to fall apart if it's your oldest or anything.  I think i must be immune to that.  My tolerance must be's gonna take a lot for me to "fall apart" or "be sooo sad"  If you have any idea...please let me know!!!!  I will miss him dearly!  That is why i will take advantage of the summer with him and all the kids!

they are growing up so much.  dinners are getting to be so much fun...the laughter we have!!!!  the stories, interrupting, farting, burping (not that i condone these last two.......i give them the evil eye) And one of my older children, love to fart just has he passes by me....seriously!!!!! why?! man, love you too!!!!!  but it's out of love....he thinks it's so funny!  catherine will get her liscence this summer, i think?  she is gonna do driver's ed.  gosh, have no idea how families afford all this stuff and cars...granted we are not getting her one.....she will use the kid car.  but it adds up with everyone coming of age one at a time.  but we will see.  how many more do i have to go thru?  oh, that reminds me.  when i was in phx.  we went on sunday to Grammy's for a lunch.  all the 1st cousins and aunts, uncles...their kids....we figured that Grammy had 3 kids.  Out of those three kids she has 22 grandchildren.  Out of those 22 grandchildren, so far she has 55 great grandchildren.  Not even all of them are married....or are just starting their families.  but one of my 1st cousin was listening to me and i was saying something to the fact of free sitters or no diapers, or all in school and she looks at me and says "when will it end"  i looked at her and i remembered being in her shoes.  thick in the middle of it.  i couldn't see an end.  i had no clue that it ever would.  you get in this steady rythmn of pregnant, nurse, pregnant, nurse....and keep going and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  not saying that it is all dark in there while your in the thick of it.  but yes, it is tiring but so worth it.  it is hard work, but anything worth it, is hard work.  i told her, you will be there before you know it.  i can't believe i am already am where i am at.  i haven't had a baby in 6 years :0(, all are in school.  i haven't changed diapers (for my own child) in like 3 or 2 1/2!  i have been changing diapers since i was 8....i didn't know any different.....that's a long time...but i didn't know any different and that's life in a big family.  i loved it!  not the poop diapers, mind you....but i do miss it.  everyone keeps telling me, i will have a loner....just you wait....Heehee

this baseball season, we have 4 playing.  two-baseball, one-softball, and for the 1st time every one-T-ball....T-ball is hysterical!!!! all you do is laugh. man, if your in a bad mood, go see a T-ball game if you haven't!!!!  it's hard with at times 3 games going on at once, but it works out i guess. we always get into it and say WHY did we do this?  but it gets the kids outside......and they love it.  Sean playing for 7-8 is doing great this year.  this is his second year playing and they have been putting him on 1st.  he's doing real well.  some great catches, and since Marshall reminded him last night....tag them.  he was tagging whether or not he needed to....HeeHee.  Aidan (T-ball)  they have had him at 1st a little and he does real well too.  i think with watching the older kids.....he is one of the older ones that helps....Liz (softball) is in her second year.  she is 10 and has improved too.  she is getting so tall.  she has had some great catches and has been hitting the ball too.  patrick is going to be playing for the 13 and up again this year.  they have only had one practice, they seem to start later than the rest.  this is where it gets fun!!!!!! when they are that old they know what they are doing and it gets a good way.  we have a great group of parents for the team.  i am looking forward to that. 

well, we will spend 4th of july week at the beach.  we didn't know if it was gonna work out but i really wanted it to.  who knows if this will be the last time as a family?  they will start to dwindle off here......every two years.  well, i think i must go and start getting ready for the day.  put the load in the dryer, need to mop, make sure marshall gets up here soon for his practice for tomorrow's Mass and other stuff...oh yeah, i gotta workout.... :0(  think i am gonna get this mother over with!!!!  I have no idea what i have said up here, i am not going to reread it, or second guess it.  if i do that, might as well just delete the whole thing.  I have no idea if any of this makes sense, if anyone cares.....heehee

Happy Mother's Day!!!!