Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Home tonight

I am home...Marshall didn't get up til about 3:15 pm today....took his first shower since Jan. 9th (bless his heart).  He is doing ok..been quiet and obviously sleeping a TON!!!!! I kept having to yell " in pain?"  then i would tell the nurse "Nope, were good" or "Marshall, you need to take your meds....Hey, Marshall......."  I would get a grunt....the nurses would come in and say..."we need to give him meds...but he's sleeping we can come back...."  I was like "you can wake him biggie.....he will just go right back...if he needs them...he needs them..."  Such a mean mom!!!!!

So, the poor kid has crutches, now attached to "peter" and "peter" has to be plugged he slept in the "parent/guest bed" and slept in his.....LOL  he hates the smell of Chemo....there is a smell on the 6th floor...i can even now smell it....i smell the difference from being on the 8th when he recovered from, this week i was like....damn....weeeerrrreeee bacccccck.!

so, he needs help everytime he has to go the the bathroom....we plug "peter" right by the bathroom, so all you have to do is pick up all the lines coming from his hickman and make sure you don't roll over you wheel into the bathroom and let him go...then he will tell you he is done...then you reverse...holding the lines.....praying you don't roll over one of those dripping lines from him and peter....

i think this has hit him hard.  he hasn't eaten, drank really today...slept...he says it's the "BAD" pump...i believe it, but with such a stretch that he had without it...his body got used to no it's like....darn we are all saying to ourselves.....

he should be done tomorrow night...chemo should end at 7 pmish....then an hour of flushing and if he has been off the "BAD" pump for two hours then we are good to go.....I won't be there.  I have to work tomorrow afternoon from 2-6 pm. 

different and getting used to's not full time and thank was gonna be hard enough to be thrown into the work force with being a mom of 7 kids with one at home....let alone come to find out your oldest has cancer and then out goes whatever your plans were.....LOL  so plan B, C, D, E, F...shall I continue?  nope i wouldn't....not worth get the point.

not complaining....I did have my first week of work last week.  granted i only work 4 hours on tuesday, 4 hours on thursday and 6 on, no's good and could be worse....brian fills in when i need on tuesday when marshall got called in...i was at when i was done i came home...saw "some" maybe 2 of the kids......LOL packed up and left....then came home tonight after dinner.

what a life....almost over.....we are getting there...i can see the end of the, this tunnel is a different tunnel....but this one will be over with mid june....then we start with scans every 3 months for so many years....come to find out Marshall has to see his surgeon that took out his Ischium bone for 10 years......this is a life long battle for's not over...yes, this hard part will be......YES...but he will have to keep up with it....they want to make sure it doesn't come back....that will be my won't come back.....that's all i not to come back.....if it comes back that is what, i pray it won't.....well, got to throw away......garbage, and junk mail, and file bills and such like that...get ready for tomorrow.....

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Fuzzy with polka dots

Black fluffy slippers with little bobbling fuzzy balls on my slippers...bobbing around as i walk, purple and white polka dot fuzzy socks (ankle length), black and white polka dot PJ bottoms (little polka dots...very woman/petite like), black tank top, and a worn out pink thin zip up PJ sweater (not too bad....its a victorias PJ outfit...zipper is broken...have to grab the main part of it to pull it up....lost the tab) It's 8 PM and Brian needs to go home, Marshall and I need a refill....2nd for least for me....

Yep, thats what I am wearing and guess what?????!!!!! I wore it from the sixth floor...and my slippers make this loud sliding noise as I walk allll the way from Marshall's room toooo the doors exiting the his the elevators.....then.....down to the 2nd floor to get more refills for my diet coke and Marshall's  Dr Pepper at Taco Bell. 

So, Brian is with me...I look like a hoot....but do i care?  guess i do since i am typing this....but if i truly did then i wouldn't step out of the room like this......soooo not me btw....LOL I can deal with it...been here long enough...seen enough....get over it...

So, two big styroform making a ton of noise slicking across with my slippers, kiss Brian good night....wait at the elevators with a father and son....they look at me....then turn...then look...then turn....elevator doors open...father holds for me...i walk in....i tell him 6th floor...thank you....i sip/slurp my diet coke.....they look...turn away...look at door opens...i get off.....and I thank God it's over....LOL!!!!!! and i slick loudy across the floor thru the doors and way to the very end where Marshall's room is.....Good night!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Honeymoon is over!

My mom and dad just left.  I have had to hold in so many tears this week.  1.) dunno 2.) first half day of work 3.) life around the house 4.) Brian's work is stressing him out ergo he is stressed out 5.) dropped off my parents today at the airport.

I am so tired of 'good byes'  I told them that and my parents know I hate good byes too.  I make them not to show my tears bc if I start it takes me FOREVER to get my throat open to make a word and then when I do it comes out all, with all my trips back home and having family's very simple.  No more hanging out at the airport with me while waiting to get thru security....just drop me off and let me be...get my mind in order so I can look at the bartender and not have black tears streaming down my cheeks when I ask for a glass of wine!!!!!  When I am to take my family to the airport from here......curbside is the way to go.  I swear I hit a world record on saying good bye to my 7 month pregnant sister...poor thing......but it hurt so much.....just wanted to run!  Well, I did!!!

I was helping Marshall down the stairs....(someone has to be in front of him when coming down and someone behind when going up) and I had to hold in the tears this morning.....WHY!!!!!!????  Seriously?  I guess so....shoot.  Maybe it's hormones....LOL!  doubt it...there is no such thing right now thru this.....that's fun! JK

I guess I have come to realize that like I probably said in the last post that last week was harder than I/We ever imagined.....We are so tired, always tired......Brian and I still are so tired.....we just want to wake up normal know...full of energy (did we ever have that?  but at least closer to it than now)

The honeymoon is over......the surgery totally turned us over to the other side...normal life....with's heeerrreee with it's ugly head and reality of how it affects all involved has come to sit for awhile.

Brian has been very stressed with everything...can you imagine being the father of 7 children, being the sole provider and then finding out your oldest has a very rare cancer and your child's odds are 1 in 5?  Man!!!!! that's alot to take in.....and you hold everything in your hands......then put work on top of it......going to work, wanting to be there important appointments.....your coworkers......deadlines.....etc....nothing gets put on hold while your child is going thru this......

I know that I just graduated (well, not really....end of august)  and I am just now starting to get into work.  half days and not too full day.....but grateful and why I got into this is bc I need flexibility right now and they can give it to me, but man....I feel what Brian feels all the time...not being there....yesterday Brian worked from home to take Marshall to a dr's appointment and I had my 1st half sucked.....

Brian and I had a heart to heart.....last night.  He needed it and I listened and I guess I needed it too...He teaches me so much.  And he made a valid point that you really don't think about much.....but with this happening to your child......there is no "I" in's a "WE" in this.....Marshall couldn't do this without us and Brian and I couldn't do it without eachother.  Am I repeating myself?  I don't know......Just starting to see the need for the communication between spouses starting NOW!!!!!! the stress levels are rising and it's more important that ever to stay on task bc one might be loosing it while the other is ok for the moment....BALANCE....then it might change course....BALANCE.  Then you have or add the loudness to the mix of children.....and Marshall can't do much on his own......yep....not gonna be peachy all the time.  It's bad but not too bad....I can't explain it....I am not ready to jump ship at all.......I am not falling apart at the seams.......there are times I would love to just get in a car and go for a bit.....with Brian....have some time to chilll and all.....

It was so funny last night....Brian was stressed and all and I didn't like things he was saying so I grabbed my nook and left the room before I said something I regretted and was gonna just let him chill.....I passed Marshall and he said "Mom, go back in there"  I was like "I am giving him time"  he said "Mom, he needs just said he was stressed, he needs someone to talk to and have someone to listen to him"  So, I marched in there leaving my pride with Marshall and Brian was about to come out of the room.....I could see it coulda been a disaster....I told Brian I was sorry and that I was here to listen to him.  I sat on the floor....and he talked......I cried....getting tired of this.....I explained reasons for some of the things I was upset's  not a new arguement on "words"  he knows what I don't like and such......but then I explained my side and you turned out to be a good night and we fell asleep holding huge fight....we talked and we made it thru and this is what Brian was explaining how hard it is on the couple and you can't leave out a spouse.....both are involved and both must work it out together.  It's hard on the father that has to work and be left out of being with your child, it's hard on the mother that has to do everything regarding the child........... I was having a hard time working and he explained to we were gonna make it work.  He said "look....don't we work better 'together'?"  We work better "together"  so together we will do this....tag team and such....He's so smart....but it made know!  I have no doubt we will make it thru this.  You do and you can see how something like this can tear apart a must have your faith, prayer and communication.  There are so many pressures put on you and everyone in the family.  You can't keep up with it all.  Just too hard. You have to learn to delegate things out to get things done.  Like I have the email set up to update family/friends on Marshall.  I tell my sister what to say and she sends it out so we don't have to make each and every call....If we did that we would be on  it for a week....LOL!!!!!! but things like that that enable you to get dinner ready and see your kids that you have barely seen....yes, you may have been there but I personally and honestly wasn't allllll there.....then the meals that get delivered to the house when we are it....and so nice that I don't have to worry about what the kids are gonna eat....and then friends/family that will hang out during the day with the kids so they are not alone and Catherine is not the only one constantly watching them.  It's such a group effort and it all works....but the center of this dynamic is the family the true source!  The source has to be solid in order for everything else to work.  No, I may not like certain times and feelings and all, but nothing is perfect.

So, I am walking along yet again this path that I have no clue as to where it will end or what I will encounter along the way (thank you, God!!!!!!) it's's loose your brain (Marshall likes to tell people all the things I say and forget....NICEEEEE) confidence booster there for you......baldy!!!!! and you just are on auto have no doubt you will get there....not an option....but it doesn't mean the inbetween is gonna be a piece of cake...

So, mom and dad just left, Patrick's 13th Bday is tomorrow, Friday meeting with Radiologist, Saturday Sean's Bday, Monday meeting with Surgeon and Clinic and if all good Chemo on Tuesday, not to mention what we discuss on Friday as to when radiation will start.....soooooo what you think?  I love have to laugh!!!!!!!! Maybe I am going's like us being so happy for something so's all relative!  you learn to adjust your thinking and appreciate life as many know it.  I don't envy it, but just wish more would appreciate what they have and not complain so much bc it could be so much worse.

So, it's a progress in action and a work in motion.....

Monday, January 17, 2011

The week that felt like a year

Marshall had his surgery a week ago today.  It feels like a year ago.  We got home Friday night and are just starting to decompress.  I thought I was decompressing last Monday just digesting info we got from surgeons......DANG!  that was a piece of cake.

This so far is the worst and hardest I have had to go thru.  I knew surgery was gonna be tough, but no idea how tough.  Brian and I just stare at eachother and I have no clue.....LOL!  that is about where we clue.  I am tired, frustrated, and then I have children that I have to deal goes on.  I just want to go somewhere quiet and do nothing.......Brian has slept a ton, and the last couple of nights for both of us have seemed to be drug induced, but there are no drugs....sure needed them last week with Marshall.....I am so glad it's over with. 

Margins are good and I am so thankful.   I had no doubt.......but always in back of head.....but I truly was secure, it was gonna be a pisser if it went the other way.  So, we focus on the next half of this.....Radiation is gonna kill us too.....and then the 8 rounds of Chemo.  Almost what I keep telling myself, then I have Brian telling me we are not quite there yet, but I inform him that I know's pyschological for me........LOL!!!!! Shoot at this point it might be half way but I can't even think right now.

I am in a daze......floating and and out.  One of these days I will be back.  My dad told me this morning.....I sure miss you......I don't know if that was a general statement or the fact that I am not really here at the moment.  The two times my parents have been here have been really trying.....the first time was the beginning of the Chemo treatments and settling in with everything....I thought I was doing that then too...but I am now seeing things and things are settling in just now....funny.....not really.......but if it gets you thru then don't complain.

I want to not be so tired.  I want to enjoy my parents here, I want to love my children to death, I want Marshall to not be so captive inside the house....that's another issue...he is ready to go, but I have to be the bad it....and I think every child has asked to do something today and I am so fried.....hate it when I am flooded with questions and I can't seem to answer my own questions so I have to bug Brian, who hasn't been to work in a week and he is dealing with his own issues and I have to ask him to make decisions......LOL!!!! poor guy.....

this week tore my heart out of my body.  My soul ached for my child.  To see his battle wounds that he will have for the rest of his life.  This makes him who he is.....and you know what he will wear it proudly.....I am not knocking those scars.....what am I saying...I guess I am witnessing my son being at war and I see one by one the little battle scars but should see this one.......Hell of a shark bite!!!!! Whole darn butt!!!!!!!!!  Big C and lots and lots of staples.......try processing that.....We are....I am thankful that Marshall is a fighter.  this is no battle for wimps that is all I have to say.  It takes so much to fight this and he is amazing.  The whole family has been amazing in this.  All the kids have been soldiers up there with Marshall and they know no other way and wouldn't think otherwise. They have gone with the flow nicely....still some bumpy parts with the little Aidan asking me today "you gonna stay with me alllll day?"  if that doesn't break your heart.....

Kids were out of school all last week and thank goodness my mom was here!  Man, I never worry when she is here......She always has things under control, things get done and put away...I get so spoiled as do the kids.......I am like her but she is faster in the sense that after dinner the kids have their jobs but you have to get up and get started just to get things going.....Brian understands where I get it....LOL!  she is quicker though....I don't know what I am gonna do without her here.....she leaves in two days and I don't know if I am ready for that yet.  We thought Chemo was gonna start but I don't know if the surgeon will want more rest and healing for Marshall before starting Chemo and Radiation. 

The road is gonna get harder and tougher on Marshall.  This is where it is going to really begin.  I pray he is as strong and I know he won't be but he does have the strength on his side so I am hoping it won't be as know. You have to be realistic on these things. 

I guess I will go for now.  So much on my mind and I just need some quiet time....and then all will be good...but there is no rest and thats ok........if Our Lord can endure all He went thru....I can most certainly do this quietly......

Thursday, January 13, 2011

No Clue

sometimes I seem to forget that I am the mother of 6 other that right? I have no idea...but what are you gonna do?....tell me?  your oldest has cancer and is really if you want to put your cards on the table.....he is not supposed to make, you deal with him...and all that goes with the territory....of don't think twice....but do you remember you have 6 other children?  that is my do you really divide the time?  you can' have to give a good sense and know that Our Lord will take care of the remaining people tell me ALLLLL the time ( and I believe're good) I can only do what I can do right now....I am fighting for my son's survivial...whether it be....chemo, pain, know....I don't worry.....yes, I will have my moments that I freak out......on pain control.....etc....Marshall you understand...well, he doesn't read this so...I guess I am talking to myself as a mother but I don't worry...I will cry, I will get frustrated, I will have a moment of "freak out", I will have a "seriously I am I really here" moment......but I laugh....I joke....lot of inside ones at this point....and I love it!!!!!!!  It is awesome....okay, I know that I seem a littel wierd now...but .....grab the bull by the horns and runnnnnnn.....scream....have fun.......keep those horns close and always watch but run and and have a blast.....laugh, live and love!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

No words

Well, here I sit and it's 1:45 am.  I am at the hospital with Marshall.  It has been a patchy sleep.....I have rubbed his foot and up to his get circulation on it.  He has an ace bandage on his whole leg right now and we just rolled him over onto his stomach....ugh!  I held my breath....anything that involves his leg/hip I just gasp.  I cant imagine the pain.....oh.....he has a big U shape cut on him and staples to seal it up.  He is in alot of pain and constantly hitting his "button" for pain.  He has also had to have additional meds given to him. I think he is finally asleep...I am hearing the deep breathing come from his bed.

I have no words for yesterday and the emtions.  The surgery for Marshall was/is the hardest thing for him to go thru with this whole endeavor.  For me it was the toughest thing so far to go thru and  I am so glad it's over with...well, kinda....but it's over and they took out the it's celebration time...(in my head I finish that off with "come on"....LOL you know the song....)  anyway, tears were definately present yesterday.  I didn't sleep well at all the night before, got up at 4 am, got ready and left the house around 5 bc it snowed and we got about 4 inches and we wanted to give ourselves plenty of time.....heck, we got here at 5:30.  made great time, and there were no lights....just blinking and the few that were working....just green......straight constant shot on the roads.....good time to be on the road when the lights are not working.....their usual shifts...

We got to go back in the prep room with him.  he was all jokes and so ready.  We had all the different doctors come in and talk to us and ask us questions......I hadn't thought much about it....I did but not truely...I didn't want to until I absolutely had to.  When the Anesthesiologist (sp?) came in....that is when it hit.  He was explaining what he was gonna do, what he was gonna monitor and then he explained that Marshall was expected to loose a lot of heart sank and the tears came, but I held them at bay.....he was gonna need multiple transfusions possibly....then the surgeon came in and explained what they were gonna do.....oh, we are just gonna make this cut her and go there, and peel back, then take out and sew back up.....I asked about stitches...nope staples.....decompress.......not time yet. 

So, we were getting ready to say goodbye to Marshall before they carted him off and they gave him something to relax him....well, as he was taking off his boxers it hit in 15, by the time you get around to say goodbye he is asking you to "give me knuckles, mom"  LOL  so I did (he doesn't even remember that) and I quickly kissed him on his head and said goodbye with the tears coming, but I didn't allow them to flow....just brimming........pushing, wanting, needing to strong.  Then we follow him out and we hear him as he is answering the questions of the nurses taking him back.  we come to the hall and he turned left and we pause and just watch.......brimming, wanting, needing to flow....nope.....

I had no idea it was going to be that hard.  Man!!!!!  Went out to the waiting room and of course huge waiting area and no privacy.....I just needed to scream and let out the tears and then I would be fine....can't.....I looked out the snowy window and brimming, wanting, needing to flow....nope....we went downstairs to eat.....try to decompress and adjust to what is happening to your son, and praying to God that you will see him again, but all you picture is him on his stomach and his right butt peeled wide open and blood and saws and such......praying he will be okay.  So, eating.....then the brimming, wanting, needing to flow......won......they flew....I wanted to gasp and let it out, but you can't people are you quietly just let them flow and you are holding your breath and praying you don't make a noise from your throat.....I look up and Brian's eyes are red and brimming, wanting, needing.....parenthood is so hard but so grand. 

It got better when friends showed up.  I really didn't think I wanted to see anyone, but it got my mind off of things and we laughed and it was good.  Just what I needed and I didn't even know I needed it.

In recovery, again you look at your child, the one that you bore, the one that grew in you, the one that you rubbed your hand on your stomach as your way of touching your child, the one that is pushing on your ribs so hard they are bruised........the one that wanted out so bad bc there was no more room....there he is now, with swollen lips and eye lids, he is in pain, you see his drainage tube with his blood collecting from his side.  he has his beanie on....kinda......more sitting on top than on him.  He opens his eyes and sees you.......but the pain......I get to see his incision......crap its bigger than I goes in the U of his whole butt.....ugh......brimming, wanting, needing to, I touch his hand, I touch his head, I try to kiss his head.....LOL I am too freaking short to go over the rails......I look around so that no one saw my misattempted try at kissing him and just give him a finger kiss on the forehead.

My brothers are leaving town and come by to say goodbye to me but are able to come in and see him.  I had no idea it was going to be so painful to watch Marshall with Danny and Ben....well, I didn't see Ben.  I had Danny and the tears and the emotion......Marshall just balled........when saying goodbye.....we all cried......I wanted to scream.  Hated for him for him to be that sad......but was so grateful for the visit and at least they came out before and had Marshall at his best.......I said my goodbyes to the boys......I told them as the elevator closed they sucked for leaving.......wish they could stay, wish they didn't have to leave......later on when I was back in recovery he woke up (they had to give him more meds so he was pretty out of it....) he asked if they were gone and I said yes.....again, he balled....held my hand and told me they were his older brothers.......gosh, it's bad enough looking at him and pain, and now the emotional hurt he is going thru.   He loves them all so much and I am so glad he has that.  I just hate the distance.....but God's will be done....what can you do?  Nothing but pick up and move on.....Marshall and I did.....we cried and then moved on......

We moved up to a room...not our 6th floor, not our chemo Inn but we hope to get there tomorrow or so....I feel like a stranger here on the 8th.....I am learning all over again.  I am expecting Chemo but no Chemo.....all confused....hee-hee....

Marshall slept alot....we would help him move, or something, try to get pillows, or something here and there...didn't seem to work, some did.  We just rolled him over on his didn't breath the whole time trying to move him.....he was worried about being exposed and we didn't look......poor guy just wants his boxers.....but he has tubes everywhere.....and I am afraid to move his can only do so much and you don't want to do too much or you will undo all the surgeons work on sewing together the tendoin and!!!!!!!

I have wanted to cry so many times today.  I have wanted to stomp my foot.....I have wanted to hold Marshall in my arms, I have wanted to get in bed with him and hold as I did when he was little.....all I can do is touch him, feel the softness of his arms, feel the coarseness of his hands, and feel the prickliness of his head.  A touch can do so I touch I am sending prayers of thanksgiving and love to him, through him.....I just want to squeeze him.  I tell him I love him, he can't hear me, he is out....brimming, wanting, needing to flow....but I do not......I hold and love and thank......

I wish I could take this away......I wish I had the pain and the staples in me......I wish I was the one sleeping right now....LOL!!!!!  parents need sleep meds when tired but then so much on my mind.  I have to help Marshall with this, help hin drink is my pleasure....I told him he was lucky as I was massaging him bc I don't like feet, barely will massage Brian's but here I am with Marshall.....I stopped and he said....if your not too tired, or maybe you can get a chair and sit down and do that some more.....LOL I did just without the chair.....

I had all this stuff in my head to write and I have no idea if I got out what I needed.  I guess what I said in the beginning was true.....there are no words to express the emotion I felt yesterday/today.....whatever day it is. 

I was sad for Marshall and scared to death, but I was grateful that he is alive before and after surgery.  I can't child is alive and here with me and telling me "I am the mom"  I have my child tell me "he loves me"  I have my child give me his "love winks"  I have my child smile that drug induced smile....for now.....LOL  I have my child!  I touch him and squeeze his hand or arm and love him.  He is my child.  He is here and I hear him snoring.......I am so thankful for this.  Our Lord got me thru this so far....He will continue to.  The Blessed Mother continues to hold me and will the rest of the way.  My guardian angel picks up the pieces and is at my side and will pick up many more pieces as we continue.  the angels and saints are busy with prayers to Our Lord for us......and the world is on their knees for Marshall and us as we have walked this journey in our own ways and will continue to be there for us.  I am grateful. 

Tomorrow will be tough.  They will make him get out of bed and move around....I pray I can go to sleep and be ready for what tomorrow brings.

Friday, January 7, 2011


Well, my brothers came into town yesterday.  So good to have them here.  They hadn't seen aidan since he was 15 months old.  He is now 4 1/2 years old and 5 years since they had seen Sean....Marshall, uncles and the kids went outside and threw the football.....I think Marshall brought in half the dirt outside....into my couch.  He somehow collided with Sean....LOL!

We are on count down to Marshall's surgery.  I have my mom coming in on Sunday (it's Friday BTW) and then EARLY day for us Monday's going to be a long day......

You know things all come at once.....and you just have to go with the flow and not worry about it.......I have been thinking...the biggest pain in the neck thing with making a TEENAGER take his MEDS......LOL  it's a daily when this is over get to a point that either you let him fall, or you nag him to take them....I am in the I am with everything.....I try to give space and let them be teenagers and be responsible with want to get got it!!!!!!  but I will expect you to act like one too!  It's hard getting Cancer....that sounded stupid....of course it's a pain in the ars......but I think especially for a teenager....just when they are gaining independence....they get thrown back into being like a child.....then add Chemo brain (very much like Pregnancy Brain...if your wondering)'s a mess....but we laugh at it......I have pregancy brain.....or what do you call the after affects of pregnancy know they say that it kills brain cells.....LOL!  I give up.....I supposedly never tell anyone anything then I have all these fingers pointed at me saying I never heard never told never tell us anything....then there's Marshall....well, you may have told me but i don't remember bc of Chemo, take him out...i have one less to tell me how much my brain is not working....

Marshall still maintains his sanity and clarity.  I watch him a lot....just trying to read him.....i can see when he is frustrated and not so happy with things, then his smile alerts me to his happiness which is most of the time.  I think right now his frustration is being around other kids his age that have absolutely no idea what he is going thru and no compassion.....all they care about is themselves and the little bubble they walk on.  i know that is hard for him.....wish i could have a nice talking that person/persons......but you know life is gonna take a turn for them one day and they won't know what hit them and they will fall bc they have no sense of life and its realities.

You know (I say that alot....LOL) I am curious how when Marshall's treatments are done and he is in remission from his cancer......(we have to wait for 5 years before we can say cured) how it will have changed us.  I think we have already changed....but probably don't see it.  People tell me all the time that they don't know how I do it with all that is going on, and the kids which are all younger than Marshall and all.  I have not known any other life.......I just life could be worse and I hate it when people right on facebook..."could it get any worse?" careful......bc there are those of us that are going thru the possible "going worse"  now for could get worse and I am not complaining with where I am right now. 

Being a parent is hard really is.  I commend all parents in leading their children towards Heaven.  We don't get enough credit whether it be from our own family, friends or society.  We are discredited for so many things and alienated if you have more than 4 kids.  It's lonely out there......Living in a large family is its own a "society"  you have your Presidents, Vice Pres.....etc......and the little minons that are your slaves....LOL (just kidding)  They do work.....they have to.  Look at us now.....people are too lazy and on welfare.....they don't want to work.....yeah, really working.....NOT.  You learn to be selfless and humble in a large family.  You learn not to get everything you want.  You learn that screaming gets you nowhere but in trouble.....I love my family!  I love coming from a huge family.  My daughter (9) yesterday said when we were showing my two brothers around the house...."I sure love your family...they are great"  I just had to smile.....I think my family is great to and I have no idea what I would do without them. 

They have always been supportive but especially thru this.......They want to help but want to not burden us.......I have to say I have enjoyed their trips out's one way to see them.......although I hate Cancer had to do it.  I think I have talked about this before....but anyway.....the one thing that has changed with me and my family since this is ........ I don't really talk to them anymore.  I used to talk to my mom, I am lucky if I talk to her once every two weeks.  I will try to text every now and then......but don't make it to everyone.....and of course my family doesn't call me bc they know I am busy and stressed and just don't want to bug me......bless their least they are the beginning they would say....I don't want to bother you and I would say oh no...your not and call anytime....well, I didn't realize how much this would take over our lives.  Then you have the kids and homework and everything else....there is really nothing much left mentally other than absolutely necessary.  It's wierd how the brain or we work.  You subconciously survive and you don't even realize it.  I feel bad that I don't talk to my mom anymore......but I am so distracted that most of the time I don't even realize that I haven't talked to her.....good thing or I would get depressed.....LOL   Brian and I just really spend time's our way of coping I think....just being eachothers bestest of friends.  We are quiet many times, but that kinda goes along the same line of keeping in touch with people.

You need a companion to help get you thru life, things.....communication with eachother is a must.  I have learned not to take advantage of my spouse....of course trial and error......I am only human and I am not perfect although.........LOL!  but type of situation...can either make you or break you......nope...not gonna do it....not gonna break....I am again too blessed to be broken.....I have so much to be thankful for....right?  I just remind myself that everyday.....This is a great opportunity...if you want to look at it that way.  Heck, all the people I have befriended thru really see who your true friends are too.....but I already knew that.... :0)  and those people that have added to my life that I had no idea.....

One of these days I will get my life back.......but that's okay, I am here and I am not sad over it.  It's what and where I am and Our Lord is here so why would I worry....?  well, okay I can worry a little bit....but shoot.......We are so blessed......I am not going to complain.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Beginning of a New Year

I haven't written in awhile, but I have been busy and just didn't have much to say.  I have various thoughts going thru my mind but not enough to put down in words.  What I really need is some kinda mental reader bc at night time I can write a book.  Things come together and words just flow.  I wish there was a way I could do this.

Christmas was nice.  Santa came, thankfully!!!!!  Brian was home 5 days or maybe 6 can't remember, but I hated seeing him go back to work, but he only worked for 2 days then was off for New Years Eve, so this is gonna be a shocker of a week for him.....5 full days of work....LOL after two weeks of half work weeks.

We shipped off the kids for two nights which was nice for new years eve.  Marshall stayed here with us bc he had plans for new year's eve.....

I have been recently starring at people during Communion....don't ask me why.  I used to pray more.....but was an entire Mass in constant prayer.  Heavy was my soul and I had a lot to ask for and pray for.  You feel this heaviness come upon you.  Well, I do during Mass.  Sometimes things kinda go fuzzy at times and then while trying to pray if the choir isn't jamming and parishioners aren't clapping about topic, but yesterday there was no problem closing my eyes.....I felt the cover of darkness and arms embracing me.  I had a tearful time in Mass, which I hate doing....I know it's the best time to cry if you do, but we sit towards the front...and i want to ball or constantly wipe my eyes.....I have enough eyes on me (my children) constantly.

My prayer for 2011 is that God's will is what I am asking for!!!  If it is not then I pray for courage to deal with it.  As my grandmother told me before Christmas.......We don't know what God's will is.  We pray for healing but we really don't know we hope it's God's will.......Leave it to grammy to put things into perspective...LOL!  At least I know that already.  I can imagine with some people that could really shake them up.  I have common sense and I am very practical!  I am not living in LaLa land.  I am very hopeful though.

Marshall told us on the way home from Mass yesterday that he read all the journals...from the beginning when I wrote to present and he has seen a change.  He said he used to be joking alot and now not so much.  Still does but more serious now. 

It makes sense.  It has settled in our minds and soul what is going on and I do remember that even we used to make Cancer jokes....but we really haven't lately.  I guess it's a process that you go thru.  Don't think you can truly digest right away when you hear the news of what is going on, so you deal with it by downplaying it.  That's okay and healthy.  Better than feeling sorry for yourself and bringing everyone down around you.  So, now we are in the thick of it.  We live our lives according to what is best for Marshall.  I have heard of deaths, I have kept up with Marshall's friend that has what he has and has been in the hospital since dec. 27th with a blood infection.  Right now I am on a course to keep Marshall alive so he can continue with his treatments. 

We got scans the 28th of Dec. and they were exactly as the Doctors were hopping.  the Chemo is working!!!!!  It's killing the cancer cells........we are on our way to hopefully remission end of the school year.  We have surgery Jan. 10th and then resume Chemo (remaining 8 rounds)  Jan 21st (as long as all goes well) and then Radiation for 2 weeks starting then too. 

I hate freaking out every time I hear a sniffle......especially in Mass......LOL!  I don't like worrying about sickness, but I have to.  Marshall's friend could have died and she was on the verge of it.  She spent 5 days in ICU.  Her mom wrote that she was watching her daughter die and there is nothing you can do.  So, I have to be vigilant with what I let Marshall do but at the same time let him do all he can while he can.  He has been out everyday this whole Christmas break except for Christmas of course.  We had the family come here.....

My son is alive and I have to remind myself that.  I can't wallow in misery that is not present.  I must continue to fight and hold my head up high even though there are many obstacles in our path......and these obstacles are on many levels. 

thank you Lord for my life.  Thank you Lord for my husband.  Thank you Lord for my faith.  Thank you Lord for my children.  Thank you Lord for Marshall's Cancer.  I say this bc this is a Cross given to us by Him, of course Marshall's is different than ours and his siblings, but it's a Cross non the less and we must bear it joyfully and confidently.  No matter what the outcome is......and thank goodness we have no could be a bump in our path. 

I have always pictured my path in life a dirt one.  bumpy with rutts then some rocks embedded in the path and smooth dusty dirt.  Light in color and very dry. Similiar to some of our dirt roads in Payson, AZ (spent much of my childhood at the cabin)  there are green trees on the sides of the path little sparse at time and the trees are not thick but more on the thin side.  the leaves are green and more towards the top half of the tree.  There are many turn offs....and they all look the same....if they didn't then the choices would be easy to make.  none are green paths...just different rutts in each path...the path is long and they are many.  it is not dark.....always sunny.....I am on a path right now that I had no idea that I chose came to me with the birth of my oldest son.  Who would have thought?  but I am not alone even though I want to get on my hands and knees and beg for mercy......even though I want to take this from Marshall, I have no power over it.  My cross is to be his mother and watch over him and watch him suffer as our Blessed Mother did with her Son.  She watched Jesus grow up into a young man.  Her path was chosen when she bore the Son of Man.  She had no clue what lay ahead either.  So, I look to her and know that no matter what Marshall is in God's hands.  I am also in His hands.  I will shed tears along the way as I am right now. 

I am overcome with the love that I have for my son right now.  I am picturing him with his huge smile as I always have pictured him in my mind since he was an infant.  The joy he has given to me as his mother.  The trouble he gave me for 3 months trying to figure out how to breastfeed him....LOL  The bald whiteness of his head then it grew thicker as he got older.  I love that child so damn much!!!!  I am so honored to be his mother and pray I can continue to.  I want to beg so bad  but I will never beg.  I made a choice in my junior year in high school.  I regained my faith back (didn't know how much I didn't know)  but I was at the Monastary (we went to Mass there every week for school) for a retreat for a weekend.  And I opened up my soul to Our Lord and told him that I would do His will no matter what lay ahead.  I will never go back on that word!  I can only be happy doing His will.  I will ask though and many times at that. 

You can't break....I have learned.  You have to stay strong for Marshall and your kids.  Not breaking can be done.  Thru prayers and support.  And I received a printed list (actually for Marshall) from my grandmother from a friend of hers that printed out every name of the religious orders that are praying for Marshall......let me tell you.......I have 105 communities that is listed.  That is not to mention the parishes and other churches praying for him/us as well.  So, you can't is not possible with prayer.  It does give you something to think about.