The week that felt like a year

Marshall had his surgery a week ago today.  It feels like a year ago.  We got home Friday night and are just starting to decompress.  I thought I was decompressing last Monday just digesting info we got from surgeons......DANG!  that was a piece of cake.

This so far is the worst and hardest I have had to go thru.  I knew surgery was gonna be tough, but no idea how tough.  Brian and I just stare at eachother and I have no clue.....LOL!  that is about where we are......no clue.  I am tired, frustrated, and then I have children that I have to deal with......life goes on.  I just want to go somewhere quiet and do nothing.......Brian has slept a ton, and the last couple of nights for both of us have seemed to be drug induced, but there are no drugs....sure needed them last week with Marshall.....I am so glad it's over with. 

Margins are good and I am so thankful.   I had no doubt.......but always in back of head.....but I truly was secure, it was gonna be a pisser if it went the other way.  So, we focus on the next half of this.....Radiation is gonna kill us too.....and then the 8 rounds of Chemo.  Almost done....is what I keep telling myself, then I have Brian telling me we are not quite there yet, but I inform him that I know that......it's pyschological for me........LOL!!!!! Shoot at this point it might be half way but I can't even think right now.

I am in a daze......floating and drifting....in and out.  One of these days I will be back.  My dad told me this morning.....I sure miss you......I don't know if that was a general statement or the fact that I am not really here at the moment.  The two times my parents have been here have been really trying.....the first time was the beginning of the Chemo treatments and settling in with everything....I thought I was doing that then too...but I am now seeing things and things are settling in just now....funny.....not really.......but if it gets you thru then don't complain.

I want to not be so tired.  I want to enjoy my parents here, I want to love my children to death, I want Marshall to not be so captive inside the house....that's another issue...he is ready to go, but I have to be the bad person....love it....and I think every child has asked to do something today and I am so fried.....hate it when I am flooded with questions and I can't seem to answer my own questions so I have to bug Brian, who hasn't been to work in a week and he is dealing with his own issues and I have to ask him to make decisions......LOL!!!! poor guy.....

this week tore my heart out of my body.  My soul ached for my child.  To see his battle wounds that he will have for the rest of his life.  This makes him who he is.....and you know what he will wear it proudly.....I am not knocking those scars.....what am I saying...I guess I am witnessing my son being at war and I see one by one the little battle scars but man.....you should see this one.......Hell of a shark bite!!!!! Whole darn butt!!!!!!!!!  Big C and lots and lots of staples.......try processing that.....We are....I am thankful that Marshall is a fighter.  this is no battle for wimps that is all I have to say.  It takes so much to fight this and he is amazing.  The whole family has been amazing in this.  All the kids have been soldiers up there with Marshall and they know no other way and wouldn't think otherwise. They have gone with the flow nicely....still some bumpy parts with the little ones......like Aidan asking me today "you gonna stay with me alllll day?"  if that doesn't break your heart.....

Kids were out of school all last week and thank goodness my mom was here!  Man, I never worry when she is here......She always has things under control, things get done and put away...I get so spoiled as do the kids.......I am like her but she is faster in the sense that after dinner the kids have their jobs but you have to get up and get started just to get things going.....Brian understands where I get it....LOL!  she is quicker though....I don't know what I am gonna do without her here.....she leaves in two days and I don't know if I am ready for that yet.  We thought Chemo was gonna start but I don't know if the surgeon will want more rest and healing for Marshall before starting Chemo and Radiation. 

The road is gonna get harder and tougher on Marshall.  This is where it is going to really begin.  I pray he is as strong and I know he won't be but he does have the strength on his side so I am hoping it won't be as bad.....you know. You have to be realistic on these things. 

I guess I will go for now.  So much on my mind and I just need some quiet time....and then all will be good...but there is no rest and thats ok........if Our Lord can endure all He went thru....I can most certainly do this quietly......