Beginning of a New Year

I haven't written in awhile, but I have been busy and just didn't have much to say.  I have various thoughts going thru my mind but not enough to put down in words.  What I really need is some kinda mental reader bc at night time I can write a book.  Things come together and words just flow.  I wish there was a way I could do this.

Christmas was nice.  Santa came, thankfully!!!!!  Brian was home 5 days or maybe 6 can't remember, but I hated seeing him go back to work, but he only worked for 2 days then was off for New Years Eve, so this is gonna be a shocker of a week for him.....5 full days of work....LOL after two weeks of half work weeks.

We shipped off the kids for two nights which was nice for new years eve.  Marshall stayed here with us bc he had plans for new year's eve.....

I have been recently starring at people during Communion....don't ask me why.  I used to pray more.....but yesterday....it was an entire Mass in constant prayer.  Heavy was my soul and I had a lot to ask for and pray for.  You feel this heaviness come upon you.  Well, I do during Mass.  Sometimes things kinda go fuzzy at times and then while trying to pray if the choir isn't jamming and parishioners aren't clapping afterwards....talk about annoying.....off topic, but yesterday there was no problem closing my eyes.....I felt the cover of darkness and arms embracing me.  I had a tearful time in Mass, which I hate doing....I know it's the best time to cry if you do, but we sit towards the front...and please....like i want to ball or constantly wipe my eyes.....I have enough eyes on me (my children) constantly.

My prayer for 2011 is that God's will is what I am asking for!!!  If it is not then I pray for courage to deal with it.  As my grandmother told me before Christmas.......We don't know what God's will is.  We pray for healing but we really don't know we hope it's God's will.......Leave it to grammy to put things into perspective...LOL!  At least I know that already.  I can imagine with some people that could really shake them up.  I have common sense and I am very practical!  I am not living in LaLa land.  I am very hopeful though.

Marshall told us on the way home from Mass yesterday that he read all the journals...from the beginning when I wrote to present and he has seen a change.  He said he used to be joking alot and now not so much.  Still does but more serious now. 

It makes sense.  It has settled in our minds and soul what is going on and I do remember that even we used to make Cancer jokes....but we really haven't lately.  I guess it's a process that you go thru.  Don't think you can truly digest right away when you hear the news of what is going on, so you deal with it by downplaying it.  That's okay and healthy.  Better than feeling sorry for yourself and bringing everyone down around you.  So, now we are in the thick of it.  We live our lives according to what is best for Marshall.  I have heard of deaths, I have kept up with Marshall's friend that has what he has and has been in the hospital since dec. 27th with a blood infection.  Right now I am on a course to keep Marshall alive so he can continue with his treatments. 

We got scans the 28th of Dec. and they were exactly as the Doctors were hopping.  the Chemo is working!!!!!  It's killing the cancer cells........we are on our way to hopefully remission end of the school year.  We have surgery Jan. 10th and then resume Chemo (remaining 8 rounds)  Jan 21st (as long as all goes well) and then Radiation for 2 weeks starting then too. 

I hate freaking out every time I hear a sniffle......especially in Mass......LOL!  I don't like worrying about sickness, but I have to.  Marshall's friend could have died and she was on the verge of it.  She spent 5 days in ICU.  Her mom wrote that she was watching her daughter die and there is nothing you can do.  So, I have to be vigilant with what I let Marshall do but at the same time let him do all he can while he can.  He has been out everyday this whole Christmas break except for Christmas of course.  We had the family come here.....

My son is alive and I have to remind myself that.  I can't wallow in misery that is not present.  I must continue to fight and hold my head up high even though there are many obstacles in our path......and these obstacles are on many levels. 

thank you Lord for my life.  Thank you Lord for my husband.  Thank you Lord for my faith.  Thank you Lord for my children.  Thank you Lord for Marshall's Cancer.  I say this bc this is a Cross given to us by Him, of course Marshall's is different than ours and his siblings, but it's a Cross non the less and we must bear it joyfully and confidently.  No matter what the outcome is......and thank goodness we have no idea......it could be a bump in our path. 

I have always pictured my path in life a dirt one.  bumpy with rutts then some rocks embedded in the path and smooth dusty dirt.  Light in color and very dry. Similiar to some of our dirt roads in Payson, AZ (spent much of my childhood at the cabin)  there are green trees on the sides of the path little sparse at time and the trees are not thick but more on the thin side.  the leaves are green and more towards the top half of the tree.  There are many turn offs....and they all look the same....if they didn't then the choices would be easy to make.  none are green paths...just different rutts in each path...the path is long and they are many.  it is not dark.....always sunny.....I am on a path right now that I had no idea that I chose it....it came to me with the birth of my oldest son.  Who would have thought?  but I am not alone even though I want to get on my hands and knees and beg for mercy......even though I want to take this from Marshall, I have no power over it.  My cross is to be his mother and watch over him and watch him suffer as our Blessed Mother did with her Son.  She watched Jesus grow up into a young man.  Her path was chosen when she bore the Son of Man.  She had no clue what lay ahead either.  So, I look to her and know that no matter what Marshall is in God's hands.  I am also in His hands.  I will shed tears along the way as I am right now. 

I am overcome with the love that I have for my son right now.  I am picturing him with his huge smile as I always have pictured him in my mind since he was an infant.  The joy he has given to me as his mother.  The trouble he gave me for 3 months trying to figure out how to breastfeed him....LOL  The bald whiteness of his head then it grew thicker as he got older.  I love that child so damn much!!!!  I am so honored to be his mother and pray I can continue to.  I want to beg so bad  but I will never beg.  I made a choice in my junior year in high school.  I regained my faith back (didn't know how much I didn't know)  but I was at the Monastary (we went to Mass there every week for school) for a retreat for a weekend.  And I opened up my soul to Our Lord and told him that I would do His will no matter what lay ahead.  I will never go back on that word!  I can only be happy doing His will.  I will ask though and many times at that. 

You can't break....I have learned.  You have to stay strong for Marshall and your kids.  Not breaking can be done.  Thru prayers and support.  And I received a printed list (actually for Marshall) from my grandmother from a friend of hers that printed out every name of the religious orders that are praying for Marshall......let me tell you.......I have 105 communities that is listed.  That is not to mention the parishes and other churches praying for him/us as well.  So, you can't break.....it is not possible with prayer.  It does give you something to think about.