Friday, January 7, 2011

Friday!!!!!!

Well, my brothers came into town yesterday.  So good to have them here.  They hadn't seen aidan since he was 15 months old.  He is now 4 1/2 years old and 5 years since they had seen Sean....Marshall, uncles and the kids went outside and threw the football.....I think Marshall brought in half the dirt outside....into my couch.  He somehow collided with Sean....LOL!

We are on count down to Marshall's surgery.  I have my mom coming in on Sunday (it's Friday BTW) and then EARLY day for us Monday morning....it's going to be a long day......

You know things all come at once.....and you just have to go with the flow and not worry about it.......I have been thinking...the biggest pain in the neck thing with Cancer....is making a TEENAGER take his MEDS......LOL  it's a daily battle....man....glad when this is over with.....you get to a point that either you let him fall, or you nag him to take them....I am in the middle....as I am with everything.....I try to give space and let them be teenagers and be responsible with things......you want to get older.....you got it!!!!!!  but I will expect you to act like one too!  It's hard getting Cancer....that sounded stupid....of course it's a pain in the ars......but I think especially for a teenager....just when they are gaining independence....they get thrown back into being like a child.....then add Chemo brain (very much like Pregnancy Brain...if your wondering) man......it's a mess....but we laugh at it......I have pregancy brain.....or what do you call the after affects of pregnancy brain......you know they say that it kills brain cells.....LOL!  I give up.....I supposedly never tell anyone anything then I have all these fingers pointed at me saying I never heard that....you never told me...you never tell us anything....then there's Marshall....well, you may have told me but i don't remember bc of Chemo brain.....so, take him out...i have one less to tell me how much my brain is not working....

Marshall still maintains his sanity and clarity.  I watch him a lot....just trying to read him.....i can see when he is frustrated and not so happy with things, then his smile alerts me to his happiness which is most of the time.  I think right now his frustration is being around other kids his age that have absolutely no idea what he is going thru and no compassion.....all they care about is themselves and the little bubble they walk on.  i know that is hard for him.....wish i could have a nice talking to....to that person/persons......but you know life is gonna take a turn for them one day and they won't know what hit them and they will fall bc they have no bones.....no sense of life and its realities.

You know (I say that alot....LOL) I am curious how when Marshall's treatments are done and he is in remission from his cancer......(we have to wait for 5 years before we can say cured) how it will have changed us.  I think we have already changed....but probably don't see it.  People tell me all the time that they don't know how I do it with all that is going on, and the kids which are all younger than Marshall and all.  I have not known any other life.......I just go......my life could be worse and I hate it when people right on facebook..."could it get any worse?"  man.......be careful......bc there are those of us that are going thru the possible "going worse"  now for me.....it could get worse and I am not complaining with where I am right now. 

Being a parent is hard enough.......it really is.  I commend all parents in leading their children towards Heaven.  We don't get enough credit whether it be from our own family, friends or society.  We are discredited for so many things and alienated if you have more than 4 kids.  It's lonely out there......Living in a large family is its own a "society"  you have your Presidents, Vice Pres.....etc......and the little minons that are your slaves....LOL (just kidding)  They do work.....they have to.  Look at us now.....people are too lazy and on welfare.....they don't want to work.....yeah, really working.....NOT.  You learn to be selfless and humble in a large family.  You learn not to get everything you want.  You learn that screaming gets you nowhere but in trouble.....I love my family!  I love coming from a huge family.  My daughter (9) yesterday said when we were showing my two brothers around the house...."I sure love your family...they are great"  I just had to smile.....I think my family is great to and I have no idea what I would do without them. 

They have always been supportive but especially thru this.......They want to help but want to not burden us.......I have to say I have enjoyed their trips out here....it's one way to see them.......although I hate Cancer had to do it.  I think I have talked about this before....but anyway.....the one thing that has changed with me and my family since this is ........ I don't really talk to them anymore.  I used to talk to my mom everyday......now, I am lucky if I talk to her once every two weeks.  I will try to text every now and then......but don't make it to everyone.....and of course my family doesn't call me bc they know I am busy and stressed and just don't want to bug me......bless their hearts......at least they are understanding.....in the beginning they would say....I don't want to bother you and I would say oh no...your not and call anytime....well, I didn't realize how much this would take over our lives.  Then you have the kids and homework and everything else....there is really nothing much left mentally other than absolutely necessary.  It's wierd how the brain or we work.  You subconciously survive and you don't even realize it.  I feel bad that I don't talk to my mom anymore......but I am so distracted that most of the time I don't even realize that I haven't talked to her.....good thing or I would get depressed.....LOL   Brian and I just really spend time together......it's our way of coping I think....just being eachothers bestest of friends.  We are quiet many times, but that kinda goes along the same line of keeping in touch with people.

You need a companion to help get you thru life, things.....communication with eachother is a must.  I have learned not to take advantage of my spouse....of course trial and error......I am only human and I am not perfect although.........LOL!  but shoot.......man....this type of situation...can either make you or break you......nope...not gonna do it....not gonna break....I am again too blessed to be broken.....I have so much to be thankful for....right?  I just remind myself that everyday.....This is a great opportunity...if you want to look at it that way.  Heck, all the people I have befriended thru this....you really see who your true friends are too.....but I already knew that.... :0)  and those people that have added to my life that I had no idea.....

One of these days I will get my life back.......but that's okay, I am here and I am not sad over it.  It's what and where I am and Our Lord is here so why would I worry....?  well, okay I can worry a little bit....but shoot.......We are so blessed......I am not going to complain.

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