Honeymoon is over!

My mom and dad just left.  I have had to hold in so many tears this week.  1.) dunno 2.) first half day of work 3.) life around the house 4.) Brian's work is stressing him out ergo he is stressed out 5.) dropped off my parents today at the airport.

I am so tired of 'good byes'  I told them that and my parents know I hate good byes too.  I make them quick.....so not to show my tears bc if I start it takes me FOREVER to get my throat open to make a word and then when I do it comes out all funky.....so, with all my trips back home and having family here....it's very simple.  No more hanging out at the airport with me while waiting to get thru security....just drop me off and let me be...get my mind in order so I can look at the bartender and not have black tears streaming down my cheeks when I ask for a glass of wine!!!!!  When I am to take my family to the airport from here......curbside is the way to go.  I swear I hit a world record on saying good bye to my 7 month pregnant sister...poor thing......but it hurt so much.....just wanted to run!  Well, I did!!!

I was helping Marshall down the stairs....(someone has to be in front of him when coming down and someone behind when going up) and I had to hold in the tears this morning.....WHY!!!!!!????  Seriously?  I guess so....shoot.  Maybe it's hormones....LOL!  doubt it...there is no such thing right now thru this.....that's fun! JK

I guess I have come to realize that like I probably said in the last post that last week was harder than I/We ever imagined.....We are so tired, always tired......Brian and I still are so tired.....we just want to wake up normal again...you know...full of energy (did we ever have that?  but at least closer to it than now)

The honeymoon is over......the surgery totally turned us over to the other side...normal life....with Cancer.....it's heeerrreee with it's ugly head and reality of how it affects all involved has come to sit for awhile.

Brian has been very stressed with everything...can you imagine being the father of 7 children, being the sole provider and then finding out your oldest has a very rare cancer and your child's odds are 1 in 5?  Man!!!!! that's alot to take in.....and you hold everything in your hands......then put work on top of it......going to work, wanting to be there important appointments.....your coworkers......deadlines.....etc....nothing gets put on hold while your child is going thru this......

I know that I just graduated (well, not really....end of august)  and I am just now starting to get into work.  half days and not too much.....one full day.....but grateful and why I got into this is bc I need flexibility right now and they can give it to me, but man....I feel what Brian feels all the time...not being there....yesterday Brian worked from home to take Marshall to a dr's appointment and I had my 1st half day....man...that sucked.....

Brian and I had a heart to heart.....last night.  He needed it and I listened and I guess I needed it too...He teaches me so much.  And he made a valid point that you really don't think about much.....but with this happening to your child......there is no "I" in this.....it's a "WE" in this.....Marshall couldn't do this without us and Brian and I couldn't do it without eachother.  Am I repeating myself?  I don't know......Just starting to see the need for the communication between spouses starting NOW!!!!!! the stress levels are rising and it's more important that ever to stay on task bc one might be loosing it while the other is ok for the moment....BALANCE....then it might change course....BALANCE.  Then you have or add the loudness to the mix of children.....and Marshall can't do much on his own......yep....not gonna be peachy all the time.  It's bad but not too bad....I can't explain it....I am not ready to jump ship at all.......I am not falling apart at the seams.......there are times I would love to just get in a car and go for a bit.....with Brian....have some time to chilll and all.....

It was so funny last night....Brian was stressed and all and I didn't like things he was saying so I grabbed my nook and left the room before I said something I regretted and was gonna just let him chill.....I passed Marshall and he said "Mom, go back in there"  I was like "I am giving him time"  he said "Mom, he needs you...you just said he was stressed, he needs someone to talk to and have someone to listen to him"  So, I marched in there leaving my pride with Marshall and Brian was about to come out of the room.....I could see it coulda been a disaster....I told Brian I was sorry and that I was here to listen to him.  I sat on the floor....and he talked......I cried....getting tired of this.....I explained reasons for some of the things I was upset about...it's  not a new arguement on "words"  he knows what I don't like and such......but then I explained my side and you know....it turned out to be a good night and we fell asleep holding hands....no huge fight....we talked and we made it thru and this is what Brian was explaining how hard it is on the couple and you can't leave out a spouse.....both are involved and both must work it out together.  It's hard on the father that has to work and be left out of being with your child, it's hard on the mother that has to do everything regarding the child........... I was having a hard time working and he explained to me.....how we were gonna make it work.  He said "look....don't we work better 'together'?"  We work better "together"  so together we will do this....tag team and such....He's so smart....but it made sense.....you know!  I have no doubt we will make it thru this.  You do and you can see how something like this can tear apart a family....you must have your faith, prayer and communication.  There are so many pressures put on you and everyone in the family.  You can't keep up with it all.  Just too hard. You have to learn to delegate things out to get things done.  Like I have the email set up to update family/friends on Marshall.  I tell my sister what to say and she sends it out so we don't have to make each and every call....If we did that we would be on  it for a week....LOL!!!!!! but things like that that enable you to get dinner ready and see your kids that you have barely seen....yes, you may have been there but I personally and honestly wasn't allllll there.....then the meals that get delivered to the house when we are gone....man.....love it....and so nice that I don't have to worry about what the kids are gonna eat....and then friends/family that will hang out during the day with the kids so they are not alone and Catherine is not the only one constantly watching them.  It's such a group effort and it all works....but the center of this dynamic is the family the true source!  The source has to be solid in order for everything else to work.  No, I may not like certain times and feelings and all, but nothing is perfect.

So, I am walking along yet again this path that I have no clue as to where it will end or what I will encounter along the way (thank you, God!!!!!!) it's hard....it's emotional......you loose your brain (Marshall likes to tell people all the things I say and forget....NICEEEEE) confidence booster there for you......baldy!!!!! and you just are on auto pilot.....you have no doubt you will get there....not an option....but it doesn't mean the inbetween is gonna be a piece of cake...

So, mom and dad just left, Patrick's 13th Bday is tomorrow, Friday meeting with Radiologist, Saturday Sean's Bday, Monday meeting with Surgeon and Clinic and if all good Chemo on Tuesday, not to mention what we discuss on Friday as to when radiation will start.....soooooo what you think?  I love it.....you have to laugh!!!!!!!! Maybe I am going crazy.....it's like us being so happy for something so awful......it's all relative!  you learn to adjust your thinking and appreciate life as many know it.  I don't envy it, but just wish more would appreciate what they have and not complain so much bc it could be so much worse.

So, it's a progress in action and a work in motion.....