No words

Well, here I sit and it's 1:45 am.  I am at the hospital with Marshall.  It has been a patchy sleep.....I have rubbed his foot and up to his knee...to get circulation on it.  He has an ace bandage on his whole leg right now and we just rolled him over onto his stomach....ugh!  I held my breath....anything that involves his leg/hip I just gasp.  I cant imagine the pain.....oh.....he has a big U shape cut on him and staples to seal it up.  He is in alot of pain and constantly hitting his "button" for pain.  He has also had to have additional meds given to him. I think he is finally asleep...I am hearing the deep breathing come from his bed.

I have no words for yesterday and the emtions.  The surgery for Marshall was/is the hardest thing for him to go thru with this whole endeavor.  For me it was the toughest thing so far to go thru and  I am so glad it's over with...well, kinda....but it's over and they took out the tumor.....so it's celebration time...(in my head I finish that off with "come on"....LOL you know the song....)  anyway, tears were definately present yesterday.  I didn't sleep well at all the night before, got up at 4 am, got ready and left the house around 5 bc it snowed and we got about 4 inches and we wanted to give ourselves plenty of time.....heck, we got here at 5:30.  made great time, and there were no lights....just blinking and the few that were working....just green......straight constant shot on the roads.....good time to be on the road when the lights are not working.....their usual shifts...

We got to go back in the prep room with him.  he was all jokes and so ready.  We had all the different doctors come in and talk to us and ask us questions......I hadn't thought much about it....I did but not truely...I didn't want to until I absolutely had to.  When the Anesthesiologist (sp?) came in....that is when it hit.  He was explaining what he was gonna do, what he was gonna monitor and then he explained that Marshall was expected to loose a lot of blood...my heart sank and the tears came, but I held them at bay.....he was gonna need multiple transfusions possibly....then the surgeon came in and explained what they were gonna do.....oh, we are just gonna make this cut her and go there, and peel back, then take out and sew back up.....I asked about stitches...nope staples.....decompress.......not time yet. 

So, we were getting ready to say goodbye to Marshall before they carted him off and they gave him something to relax him....well, as he was taking off his boxers it hit him....like in 15 seconds....so, by the time you get around to say goodbye he is asking you to "give me knuckles, mom"  LOL  so I did (he doesn't even remember that) and I quickly kissed him on his head and said goodbye with the tears coming, but I didn't allow them to flow....just brimming........pushing, wanting, needing to flow....nope....be strong....be strong.  Then we follow him out and we hear him as he is answering the questions of the nurses taking him back.  we come to the hall and he turned left and we pause and just watch.......brimming, wanting, needing to flow....nope.....

I had no idea it was going to be that hard.  Man!!!!!  Went out to the waiting room and of course huge waiting area and no privacy.....I just needed to scream and let out the tears and then I would be fine....can't.....I looked out the snowy window and brimming, wanting, needing to flow....nope....we went downstairs to eat.....try to decompress and adjust to what is happening to your son, and praying to God that you will see him again, but all you picture is him on his stomach and his right butt peeled wide open and blood and saws and such......praying he will be okay.  So, eating.....then the brimming, wanting, needing to flow......won......they flew....I wanted to gasp and let it out, but you can't people are around...so you quietly just let them flow and you are holding your breath and praying you don't make a noise from your throat.....I look up and Brian's eyes are red and brimming, wanting, needing.....parenthood is so hard but so grand. 

It got better when friends showed up.  I really didn't think I wanted to see anyone, but it got my mind off of things and we laughed and it was good.  Just what I needed and I didn't even know I needed it.

In recovery, again you gasp....you look at your child, the one that you bore, the one that grew in you, the one that you rubbed your hand on your stomach as your way of touching your child, the one that is pushing on your ribs so hard they are bruised........the one that wanted out so bad bc there was no more room....there he is now, with swollen lips and eye lids, he is in pain, you see his drainage tube with his blood collecting from his side.  he has his beanie on....kinda......more sitting on top than on him.  He opens his eyes and sees you.......but the pain......I get to see his incision......crap its bigger than I thought......it goes in the U of his whole butt.....ugh......brimming, wanting, needing to flow....so, I touch his hand, I touch his head, I try to kiss his head.....LOL I am too freaking short to go over the rails......I look around so that no one saw my misattempted try at kissing him and just give him a finger kiss on the forehead.

My brothers are leaving town and come by to say goodbye to me but are able to come in and see him.  I had no idea it was going to be so painful to watch Marshall with Danny and Ben....well, I didn't see Ben.  I had Danny and the tears and the emotion......Marshall just balled........when saying goodbye.....we all cried......I wanted to scream.  Hated for him for him to be that sad......but was so grateful for the visit and at least they came out before and had Marshall at his best.......I said my goodbyes to the boys......I told them as the elevator closed they sucked for leaving.......wish they could stay, wish they didn't have to leave......later on when I was back in recovery he woke up (they had to give him more meds so he was pretty out of it....) he asked if they were gone and I said yes.....again, he balled....held my hand and told me they were his older brothers.......gosh, it's bad enough looking at him and pain, and now the emotional hurt he is going thru.   He loves them all so much and I am so glad he has that.  I just hate the distance.....but God's will be done....what can you do?  Nothing but pick up and move on.....Marshall and I did.....we cried and then moved on......

We moved up to a room...not our 6th floor, not our chemo Inn but we hope to get there tomorrow or so....I feel like a stranger here on the 8th.....I am learning all over again.  I am expecting Chemo but no Chemo.....all confused....hee-hee....

Marshall slept alot....we would help him move, or something, try to get pillows, or something here and there...didn't seem to work, some did.  We just rolled him over on his stomach....man.....I didn't breath the whole time trying to move him.....he was worried about being exposed and we didn't look......poor guy just wants his boxers.....but he has tubes everywhere.....and I am afraid to move his leg....you can only do so much and you don't want to do too much or you will undo all the surgeons work on sewing together the tendoin and muscles....man!!!!!!!

I have wanted to cry so many times today.  I have wanted to stomp my foot.....I have wanted to hold Marshall in my arms, I have wanted to get in bed with him and hold as I did when he was little.....all I can do is touch him, feel the softness of his arms, feel the coarseness of his hands, and feel the prickliness of his head.  A touch can do so much......as I touch I am sending prayers of thanksgiving and love to him, through him.....I just want to squeeze him.  I tell him I love him, he can't hear me, he is out....brimming, wanting, needing to flow....but I do not......I hold and love and thank......

I wish I could take this away......I wish I had the pain and the staples in me......I wish I was the one sleeping right now....LOL!!!!!  parents need sleep meds when here.....so tired but then so much on my mind.  I have to help Marshall with this, help hin drink that.....it is my pleasure....I told him he was lucky as I was massaging him bc I don't like feet, barely will massage Brian's but here I am with Marshall.....I stopped and he said....if your not too tired, or maybe you can get a chair and sit down and do that some more.....LOL I did just without the chair.....

I had all this stuff in my head to write and I have no idea if I got out what I needed.  I guess what I said in the beginning was true.....there are no words to express the emotion I felt yesterday/today.....whatever day it is. 

I was sad for Marshall and scared to death, but I was grateful that he is alive before and after surgery.  I can't complain....my child is alive and here with me and telling me "I am the mom"  I have my child tell me "he loves me"  I have my child give me his "love winks"  I have my child smile that drug induced smile....for now.....LOL  I have my child!  I touch him and squeeze his hand or arm and love him.  He is my child.  He is here and I hear him snoring.......I am so thankful for this.  Our Lord got me thru this so far....He will continue to.  The Blessed Mother continues to hold me and will the rest of the way.  My guardian angel picks up the pieces and is at my side and will pick up many more pieces as we continue.  the angels and saints are busy with prayers to Our Lord for us......and the world is on their knees for Marshall and us as we have walked this journey in our own ways and will continue to be there for us.  I am grateful. 

Tomorrow will be tough.  They will make him get out of bed and move around....I pray I can go to sleep and be ready for what tomorrow brings.