Friday, October 4, 2013

Three Years Ago Today!!!

Three years ago today, I got the call that we all had been waiting fo.....for 11 long days from the biopsy results.  I remember the phone ringing, where I sat at the kitchen table. Writing down what she said.  It was Ewings Sarcoma and he had a tumor in his lung (which we found out the next day...multiple tumors in both lungs).  I have been reliving three years ago since August 31st, the appointment that got the ball rolling and from there the ball just went faster and faster.  I didn't even cry.  I didn't cry when I called Brian, Mom, Dad and Clara....I was just matter of fact. I remember seeing Marshall and Catherine getting of the bus, and walking.  Brian came home.  When they came in we asked Marshall to sit down.  He knew, He even told the surgeon who performed the biopsy in his hip and tried to get it out of the doctor what he had...LOL!  I give Marshall an "A" for trying his darndest to have the doctor say it.  A friend had called St Henry's and later on Father Steve came by.  It was basically a "nice to meet you" we hadn't ever officially met or anything.  the parish is huge.....well, now we are all very well acquainted with both him and Father Johnston.

I have tried not to think about it but it just pops up when I least expect it.  During Mass, these last couple of Sundays, I have had to hold back the tears.  I am not even thinking of Marshall at the moment, but the Holy Spirit is EVER so present so why not.  He sees all, He helps you see all.  I am not a basketcase, which is good....I would hate that!!!!! I expect to be better by now, feel it less.....I know it will get better and yes, I am better than a year ago.  I have to cling on to my faith and Our Lord to help me continue to march on this journey.  We hit 2 years in remission in June, so we are closer to the big 5 year (the 1 in 5 survives in 5 years) So, maybe I am getting nervous......maybe I am just in a funk right now.  I am allowed one right?  It doesn't mean I am any less strong or faithful.  

I know everything is out of my hands, I have known it, I know it, and I know it's the way it's going to be.  I will continue to love life and enjoy it.  I will not let some of my fears take over.  They will be there but they will be hidden.  No one wants to hang around a depressed person all time and only talking about the fears.  No one wants to constantly cheer a person up.  So, Yes I am scared, but I will live with it.  I give it to Our Lord.  It's in His hands.

I will unfortunately relive three years ago for the next week with meeting the Oncologist, staring at scans and listening to the Oncologist explain everything to you very bluntly, P.E.T scan, lung biopsy, hickman put in and walking into the room for the first time where Marshall received his 1st chemo treatment.  That smell, the look and feel!  I have done it every year and I guess this is my way of dealing with it.  You couldn't deal with it in the thick of it.  No time, you had to be strong. Maybe this is a normal process as a parent.  Maybe I am totally normal.  I almost lost my child, I still can loose my child...I personally don't know how else to act.  I didn't get the "cancer memo" on what to do or how I would feel and react.  I am doing the best I can!!! I will never be the same again.  I don't like that.  I really don't but I can't do anything to change it.  I am what I am at this point.  I am not normal and never will be again, some might argue that I wasn't quite normal to begin with!!  I have to make my "new normal" I guess I am like a baby..I am learning how to do all this.  I am trying certain things and either they work or not.  Of course, I am speaking in "emotional and mental" terms....what do you think I am supposed to think everytime I see one of Marshall's bullet holes, stab wounds or shark bite?  It takes you right there!!! Like I have said before...we have given them names....and laugh at it.

I don't know what I was expecting out of this blog.  I think I just needed to write...just type what is in my head and go with the flow.  I have wanted to write for awhile now, but have been distracted and said I would do it later.  I needed to do this today, get it off my chest!  It's Friday!!!!! Thank goodness!!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Scans already again?

I don't know what happened but it's scan time again.  I had it in my mind that Marshall wouldn't have them until June, for his two year remission.  I came home from work last Wednesday night.  Everyone was already eating and Brian informed me that Marshall had scans on Monday.  I said no, he has them in June.  He said no, this is three months.  I felt like i got hit in the face with a wall.....I had been telling everyone,, what that does to you emotionally.  It's the quickening of your heart until you hear of the news.  You always have it at the back of your mind...what if?  You know they will be clean, but what if?  You know he is in Our Lord's precious hands, but what if?  We are in better shape than some and worse than others, but still it doesn't take that what if? out of your mind.

Catherine (17) sent me an email of a letter she wanted me to look at that she is going to send to the SIBS Camp (camp for siblings with a sibling with/had cancer or passed away.  They are canceling it this year i guess due to funds.  The kids are all real upset and saddened.  Anyway,  I read her letter and it made me tear up.  What she had to go thru, and deal with because of Marshall.  She grew up even faster because of this because a lot of responsibility was put on her as Brian and I were at the hospital when Marshall was.  Of course, one of us was always home when Marshall was spending the night, but she became a Mother of sorts for that long 9 months of our lives.  We were tough for the kids and Marshall and they were tough for us.  This SIBS camp is a great outlet for the siblings.  They all have something in common.  They all 'get it'  and it's a place where you can scream, cry, laugh, and bond.  Friendships that are so strong and never will be broken even though some of them have only been with eachother for a week.  They still talk via text and i am so grateful for that.  Especially the older ones that really didn't talk much at home.  We did, but none of us REALLY did.  We are put on fronts for eachother.  I hate that they had to go thru that, but I couldn't have picked better children that Our Lord gave me and Brian.  They are strong!  We all have a silent bond with eachother as a family because of this.  It's unspoken but it's there.  I didn't realize it until this morning reading Catherine's letter.

We have moved on, but we are still held back.  We always will and there is nothing wrong with that, i don't even know what it is like anymore to be normal and think like normal people.  I know it will get better...try telling that to my heart that loves my child so damn much!  I can't dwell on "what if?" I will do my best not to today...but I am a mother.

Yesterday being Easter and Our Lord dying on the Cross on Good Friday I always go back to what the Blessed Mother went thru and felt. I can't imagine watching your son die.  I can understand the sorrow of watching your son tortured and brought to his knees. Granted what they did to Our Lord is nothing compared to Marshall, but from a mother's point of's hard to watch and have no control over the situation.

I am blessed to have my son with me to enjoy Easter and the daily routines.  Many mothers don't have their children, they have gotten their "angel wings"  I have nothing to complain about.

I just have been feeling like i needed to write again in my blog.  Life is good, we are all healthy and today the sun is out!!!!! We are alive and all of us were given that chance to be in Heaven for Eternity.  May you live your lives to the fullest and live as Our Lord would want you to.  This life was not meant to be "heaven" and that is pretty obvious....heehee.  I have seven beautiful children and a wonderful husband.  God is good!  Go hug your children today and let them know how much you love them.