Monday, December 27, 2010

Normal

It's monday December 27th......I can't believe it!!!! Where has the time gone?  We had a great Christmas.  It was very hard on me for some reason.  I don't dwell on the negatives of Marshall's condition but this Christmas I guess it was in the back of my head ..... "the...what if it's the last...."  so mad!!!!!! but on Christmas morning I got up and I shook it off and enjoyed the time with all of us.  We had Brian's family over for dinner.....it was a great time.  Lot's of laughs....missed my Brother in law crash down on the floor in one of our kitchen chairs......LOL poor guy!!!!!  I tried to forget about Marshall's cancer and not talk about it.   I would answer questions bc of course your family is going to ask "how is he" etc...so I answered, but was glad it wasn't the main topic and didn't get morbid......

I think we are all entitled to being able to not focus on this disease all the time.  We do have a life outside of this disease.  I think we all agree that it doesn't make us who we are or rule our lives (well, it kinda does, but not to the extent that we let it control us)  I think it's so important to move on......so what you got cancer, so what it very well can kill you, so what it will determine things in the household........you can't change or go backwards....move on!!!!!!! You waste so much time thinking of the negatives that you are going to waste the precious time God has given you on this earth.  We don't even know how this whole thing is going to turn out.  It could be months, it could be years, it could be never........WE DON'T KNOW  so why waste all this precious time, keeping it in the forefront of your mind and bring others down with you.

I personally don't want to be around people that want to focus on the negative of Marshall's cancer.  I want to laugh and smile still.  I want to enjoy what time I have here.

Some people thrive on depressing topics and focus on the bad stuff....but all of here in this household......sorry we don't do that.  Get out of our way if you want to be like that.  Thank goodness we aren't like that.......man, that would so suck.....seriously......think about it....LOL

Do people not realize that we have thought about the worst.....hell, I am his mother....I don't need to be reminded of the possibilities......why would you do that......are you trying to torture me?  Seriously!!!!!!!!  Is there no compassion?  Why not be there for us.....why not be strong of us when and if we get weak.  Who takes care of us when we are down?  Why do we always have to be strong for everyone else? 

We have scans for Marshall tomorrow.......we have appointments starting at 10:30 and the last one is at 4:15 i think...so allllll day at the hospital......and such.  We are Re-staging Marshall.  We are going to look at how the Chemo has worked........I haven't even thought of the possibilities of it not working......I really haven't.  I believe they have and looking for a miracle.  I am hoping they can't even find his tumors......but if they are still there.....no problem......!!!!  Still shooting for the miracle....LOL  Never give up!!!!!  So we are holding our breath and won't release it til tomorrow night when we meet with Marshall's Surgeon and find out what she sees and how she is going to do Marshall's pelvic bone surgery.  Darn curious about that.....all the Ischium bone or part of it.....why no replacement....etc

People tell me all the time "I can't imagine what you are going thru"  and I know that and I pray none of you ever have to either.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  It is cruel disease, but I don't need you to know what I/We are going thru.  What I/We need is your prayers and support.  We still are the same people with the same amount of kids, with all our crazy issues......and loud kids.  We haven't changed a bit.  We are normal folks that love to still have a blast.....and I still want to go dancing.......it doesn't matter and I know everyone knows that.......I guess what I am trying to say is that I/We don't want to be treated any different.  We don't walk on egg shells or break easy.....We are strong timbers that can carry alot of weight.  We will get thru this as a family and survive this wrath.  There will be storms and I think some large ones are headed our way but I can't focus on what I do not know yet.  Why worry about it?  Right now we are good, I am good (or so I think....LOL) and I have things to do........

I had a woman come up to me after Mass yesterday.  She said I didn't know her, but she had always admired our family and how well behaved the kids were and all.  Then she heard about Marshall and said she has been praying for us and just wanted to let me know that people I don't even know are praying for all of us.  Things like that mean to world to me....I just wanted to give her a huge hug!!!!!!! It was exactly what I needed.  That is what is awesome about our faith.  No matter where you are...who you are.......Marshall's name is said across this world and is having Masses, Rosaries, and prayers said daily.......it is an awesome thing.....when you realize you are not the one that calls the shots......you are helpless and must rely on something greater than you....it is Our Lord and the Blessed Mother is here with us at all times.  I feel her embrace and love the fact that she is my mother too.  I relied on her so much when I moved here being 8 months pregnant with #2.  Leaving my family was the hardest thing I have ever done....I cried many times in the beginning but knew I wasn't alone and it was thanks to the Blessed Mother that I got thru it.  I didn't have my mother there physically but I did have my spiritual mother....and her embrace is stronger than anything I have ever felt.  I am glad I know her and sometimes forget she is there, but she is there no matter what!  You just have to ask.

We don't ask anymore......we need to remember all the angels and saints are up there just waiting to be asked for prayers.....we have so much but we sometimes forget that.

Merry Christmas all of you.......

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