You know, I was wondering how long it would take me to fall apart!!!! Well, I think I am close to my breaking point....and guess what!!!!!???? It's the last Chemo.....for about 5 weeks.....so, see....perfect timing....God just knows how to do it, huh! Why don't more people trust in Him? Why do they think they know more than Him.....
Of course, I am not literally falling apart....but i am stretched mentally, emotionally and physically right now. I guess lack of sleep doesn't help those matters much at all. I just want to crawl in a whole and not come out for about 3 weeks. i really don't want to do anything but sit/lay in my bed......for a long time......that's how and what i really want to do.
the poor kids are stressed...i'm stressed....daddy is stressed......and marshall is really bored right now.....LOL at the Chemo Inn. poor guy...no where to go....but he will just say "aaahhhh" i will ask what's wrong....he will tell me 'i'm bored' then he kinda moves on.....LOL
I feel so out of control it's not even funny! it's really not. i like to be somewhat organized and in control. i am not a control freak...but when i have Chemo weekends and it's my turn to come home and spend the night.....lets just say........everyone wants to rRUNNNNNNNNNN really far away....from me. all i want to do is get out of my hospital infected clothes, and hang with the kids....kinda decompress from the hospital....can i? what do you think....nope...i spend my time getting the organized with kids.....the kitchen.....ugh!
today, i am home for a bit bc i have to take patrick to the doctor. his knee is really, really swollen......and i have to get it looked at. i really don't want to go......but i have to. this thing with him comes and goes.......so, he gets better and then i don't have to deal with it, but this is the worst it has been so going to go see.......you have to remember you have 6 other kids that need doctor appointments......crap!!!! you mean i gotta do that toooooooo!!!!!! aren't i already at clinic or hospital enough? of course i am gonna do it....but i wonder if they will want to do an X Ray? ugh! that is where it all started with Marshall.........i know Patrick will be fine....but mentally i go back to that exact day.........and i can remember it all....the beginning of this....even though i didn't know it was the beginning..for some reason, that day will live on in my head and anytime i think of an X Ray (my doc. wanted to give me one for my wrist and elbow different sides....one arm has the sore wrist and the other has the sore elbow...LOL....she asked if i wanted an X Ray and she said she didn't blame me if i didn't bc of all that was going on. i said NOPE) and he is going to Marshall's doctor today......LOL! he is a great doctor and so glad that we have him. Marshall has loved him.
i have a daughter that has a birthday tomorrow.....and then Christmas.......like i said....just wanna wake up in three weeks and i will be good to go. Elizabeth really doesn't know what she wants for he Bday, so...gonna have to wing it she said she would think about it today.....hmmmm.....think i am gonna or brian go today and get stuff. we will hopefully get out of hospital tomorrow afternoon......come home and either start on dinner for her (she wants homemade tacos like colin did) or we will buy some....poor thing. she understands.....that's what's good about having good kids, they are wonderful about situations and all. they understand and let me tell you they are forgiving........children really remind you of how much we struggle with attaining Heaven. you look at them.....and see how far you are from that......at least God gave us little graces all around us to daily and constantly remind and help us. of course they are not always angels.......but i am not talking about those parts.
kids are kinda having a hard time with all of this. i am seeing attitudes come out......more whining (which in my book when i am at the hospital and some other parent/friend is taking care of them....so embarrassing) i did not raise my kids to behave like that. granted it's not all the time, but still it's a shock to your system when faced with this and i struggle with letting it go or what. what can i do? i am not there when it happens? so, little late, and then i really don't hear about it either til one of the kids tell me.......GREAT! just what i need.
i know that Sean is having a hard time. he wants to crawl back into my womb....LOL as a baby he would roll into a ball around my stomach. brian would laugh and joke that he wanted back in......well, he is now almost 7 (next month) and he is doing it again. so i am trying as is brian to hug and love on them more. you see all the little ways the things are coming out in each of the kids. you know they said it would affect the whole family and i knew we were not exempt, but i did wonder how and when it would come. we are all doing the best we can. we really are, but you can tell it's really coming to the surface to what it is doing to us. i have to admit we are blessed with everything and it could be worse, so i will take this....compared to how it could have come out etc.....thanks to all the prayers and Masses said throughout the world for Marshall and us......that is what is keeping this family together....yes, we have some strings coming loose, but they are just loose and we will tighten those no problem. brian and i have a grip on all of the threads and working our way back to weaving it back in. you have to have the parents together emotionally and mentally or you can't win this. you can't keep a hold of it all. i see that sense this has happened brian and i are really latching onto one another.......thank goodness!!!!!!!!! we have become even stronger.....didn't think we could, but anyway.......our hands are strong and we are holding htis blanket...we each have two corners.....we see the threads, and we grab them and do our best to weave it back in. we will conquer this. we will become a whole family soon. we will just need to hold on a little longer. we are almost there, and i know it's gonna get harder before it gets better, but we have eachother and Our Lord and that is what is gonna get us through this. Just please continue to pray for the family as a whole! i think that is so important. Some forget that Marshall has parents and 6 other siblings......they are in need of prayers too. but i think......really i think everyone is praying for the family....so, take that back....brain fart.....on my part.
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