"Prepared"?

Marshall went to Clinic yesterday!  Blood levels were great.  platelets are okay, but white blood count, neutriphils (sp?) look good......etc....we are going to do a CBC on the last day of his stays in the hospital to see if he needs a transfusion.  the Dr said it would work out better to have one while in hospital than coming into Clinic for it.  it takes so long....ugh!  so, I am assuming that maybe the next transfusion will be platelets.  the Dr said that is the one that struggles the most after a while on Chemo.  the bone marrow just can't reproduce as fast.  Marshall's little hospital buddy hasn't been able to go in and get Chemo bc her platelets have been too low.  she is hoping to go in today and have her 11th round.  she has exactly what Marshall has just different areas.

the Dr also said that Marshall is doing above average on weight, and everything.  Normally by now we would have had NG tubes in and out  He does have this weird thing with his hands and feet.  a tingling, numbness, discoloration on hands and blisters on hands.  it's a side effect from one of the Chemo's.  Very rare, but the Dr said that he has had 3 patients come up with this this year......he has no clue.  for some odd reason B6 helps....or at least we think....LOL don't know if time and that...prob both.

Marshall had an ECHO (don't know how to shorten it...is it with a K or a C, do you add an H in there...LOL) yesterday after Clinic.  This round of Chemo (odd round) is particularly hard on his heart......Like that's all I needed to add to the mix....forget radiation........they are gonna try and block out the heart for that, but I have to worry about this damn Chemo hurting it.....ugh.  Anyway, we have to check his heart out I think about every third time he gets this Chemo.  No idea what happens if it is affecting his heart.  But we haven't gotten a call so I am assuming all is good.  and we are just waiting for a call for a bed! 

This week (Sunday) we found out about a 9 year old girl, Brandi that died of Cancer.  She was diagnosed in 2007 and she was in remission I think since last year.  Could be wrong, but then last week she got sick, they took her in........she was scheduled for 'body scan' in the beginning of December to see if anything new came up or if still Cancer free, but at first the Docs thought she was fine and didn't need to do a scan, then I guess they felt they needed to do the scans bc she just wasn't getting better.  they found out that the Cancer had come back with a vengeance.  A large tumor on her abdomen and ones all around her kidneys and liver.  they made her go home with hospice and told the mother to 'say your good byes'  She lasted til Sunday. 

It has hit Marshall hard.  You can see from the CaringBridge Journal and all.  I loved that he worked out the "shout out" to her and a moment of silence at the Preds game.  I think it's important to remember and acknowledge these children.  We don't want them "outta site, outta mind"  and the other side of it is that you don't want to cover yourself in death and depression.  There is that fine line that you have to set.  Of course it is going to be hard at times.  Brian's first comment when I told him on Monday was "I am so tired of seeing people die...."  it takes him back to Elaine being in the hospital and meeting people and befriending them.....and then they leave all happy and healthy and then *POOF* gone.  they come in and a week later *GONE*  the sad fact is that Cancer is that fast!  You can't imagine it could be, but it really is.......

As we enter into "Advent" we are "preparing".  Man....I think for a Cancer patient everyday is "Advent"  what a way to live.  You always hear "live like it's your last day"  "be prepared in case it's your last day" etc....but again it's easy to talk the talk, but are you walking the walk.  Majority of us don't have to.......walk the walk.  We should, but we don't.  It's like, why worry.....your young you got forever....remember.... you are special.....you're never gonna die.  I used to think that because I was my Grammy's granddaughter that I was never going to get wrinkly, old, bony, arthritic hands.......I was special.  I was part of an awesome family and we were "in" with God (mind you.....I was veryyyyyy little......like 2nd grade.....)  But I remember looking at my hands one morning as my dad was taking me to school.....that was rare...maybe I missed the bus...LOL anyway, dad was at the light of 24th and glendale (tricky intersection to explain) we were turning left and I looked at my hands, and just realized....I am never gonna get old.  My hands will always be pretty, and smooth and young.

Sad reality when you get just a tad older........Crap!  This is no fun......oh well.  But my point is......if I even had one....which I highly doubt.....is.......We take 4 weeks out of one year to "Prepare" .  At this time, we are "Preparing" for Our Lord's Birth....and Christmas....I know it's the same thing, but to some people it's not....it's presents....etc...but these children...."Prepare" are "Ready" every single day.  Could you imagine living like that?  We should.  What makes us more special than those with Cancer?  Absolutely nothing!!!!  What makes us think we won't be hit by a car today and my Cancer ridden child will out live me?  Absolutely nothing!!!!!!  What makes us think that we will be able to attend Christmas with our family?  Absolutely nothing!!!!  What makes you think that you are going to attend your grandparents or your parents funeral?  Absolutely nothing!!!!!!!

We are just as fragile as these children.  We can go at any time!  Are we ready?  The unfortunate mistake we as a society make is that....with Cancer....it is a physical sign......just a tad more obvious.  They have a number of their possible years......a statistic..... which I don't and won't rely on....it's scary as hell though....but they are just a little more likely to go sooner.....but THEY WERE PREPARED!  they have it better than us....in the spiritual sense you know.  They are whipped into shape.......they think of their future....the "what if's"  like Marshall said in his journal. 

What do we do?  We spend 4 weeks of "Preparing"  and realistically, do we spend the 4 full weeks totally and truly "Preparing" for Our Lord?  I know I don't.  At least I am honest about it.  I don't do all I should and I know it, but I go on with my life.....bc I am going to live for a looooooong time.

We do not know the day, hour, minute or even the way we are going to die.  I am going to truly think and do my best to "Prepare"  this Advent season....and keep it going beyond the 4 weeks.  I have been thinking of this for a while now and have been meaning to go to Confession, Blessed Sacrament, attend more Masses...have I....see....things get in the way, you always have something come up or make excuses......I hope that our intentions....will count for something (even just a tinny winny)  when I die. 

What is really important in this life?  Fame, Fortune, Popularity, Huge House, Money, Great School for your kids, Cars?  Is that going to get you to Heaven?  Is any of this hampering your entrance?  Is it stopping you from truly and fully giving your life to Our Lord?  Do you choose an earthly thing over your soul?  Do you feel more important with society than with Our Lord? Are you really somebody?  Seriously, think about it?  Are you......just bc you go here, or there or have this, or now that person.......Are you going to Heaven for that?  What does Our Lord say about all this?  Do you even care?  Look at society.....and just watch.....what is going on?  What is important to us?  Who are our Heroes?  Who do we want to be, be like?  I am not saying dump everything and just become a weirdo....but I am asking questions.....to myself.....or anyone else reading this.  These are thoughts and when you look at death......to have to take a step back and really ask yourself.  Are you "Prepared"  now and always!

This actually started out as an email to my family to let them know about yesterday and as you see I got overcome with something......LOL