Chilly up there

Today was a good day....went to Mass with the six kids and my mom.  I dread Mass...not in a bad way, but I always get emotional at Mass thinking about everything.  I wish I could be there and not cry.  Not cry when a friend gives me a hug and asks how I am....bc I am okay, but shoot.......after Mass.....LOL I just want to cry.....I guess it's the Holy Spirit or something.  That's fine, I just hope I don't do this during every Mass.  That is going to get a little embarrassing that's for sure.  I have to sneak the kleenex just so.....hee-hee and then wipe the tears just so and hope i didn't smear my 'perfect' (yeah right) makeup......today I didn't need any kleenex!!!!! YEA

After Mass, I took the kids and mom to see Marshall.  He was up and looked good.  We hung out for a little bit, then when the kids get restless we jam outta there......today is Brian and my 18th wedding anniversary!!!  WoW!!!!!!  So, my mom sat with Marshall and we went out.  Not that Marshall needs any sitting he doesn't, but I was glad to give mom some time with Marshall.  I guess they just kinda sat quietly with eachother.  he watched the game and took a shower.......so, I am eating lunch and watching the game with brian and I had been texting mom to make sure that all was well.  she ended up telling me after a few texts back and forth (bc I think she just found out herself)  she told me Marshall lost 95% of his hair in the shower and was patchy in the back.  This morning when we took the kids, yes you could tell it was thinning but if you didn't know him you thought HE HAD HAIR.....so, I cried a little on the way to the hospital.  I was thinking it was gonna come out slow and gradually for me....you know.....I was shocked!  So when I left this morning and said goodbye to my son....he had his hair, I had no idea that that was gonna be the last time I saw it. 

I know it is not a big deal.  Truly, it's not...I guess it hurts my heart bc it is the first real physical sign that my son is sick!  I can't beat around it anymore.  It's here to stay for the duration of this journey.  He did look sick Friday night....Granted he was getting back in his bed after 1 am (now, who would have ever thought that in a hospital - Chemo floor at that....that my son would be out late at night!!!) and CHATTING WITH A CHICK!!!  I think it's hysterical........anyway, his eyes were drawn and dark and red, and his skin was white and pale.....

So, I have been getting these glimpses of Marshall that is coming thru that yes, Bridget your son is sick.  Very sick!  Yes, he is tough and Yes, he will fight this, but it doesn't change the process that we will all have to go thru to get there.

I wish I was stronger than this.  I wish I didn't cry at the thought of my son loosing his hair.  Damn, it was great hair too....so much!!!!!!!!  Everyone was jealous too.  Besides the point...see I get off point all the time.  At least I didn't cry in front of him.  I was sooooo thankful for mom warning me.  It would have been shocked......this way i was composed and just treated it normal.  I could tell he was a little sad by it.  Heck, who wouldn't.  I guess he told my mom 'he wanted to go home'  that broke my heart to.

Like I have said.....I am going to ride the waves of all the highs I get and ride them til I hit the shore bc I am gonna get some lows and some reallllll low ones......the only way to survive is take it day by day.  Live your life in you faith and with the Blessed Mother and Our Lord at our side, holding our hands.  If they are with us, helping us, guiding us then it will be okay.  Yes, I will cry, but when I am happy or someone makes me laugh...I will laugh!!!! When I want to go dancing.........I will do the best I can to make that happen.  God gives us little moments of joy, whether they last a minute or a week...they are gifts.  You take them and run with them and all those you love.  You embrace those around you that God puts in front of you.  You offer you life for the One who did it for us and would have done it for just one mere soul.

This journey will break my heart, and wear me down at times, but I will not let it overtake me.  I will not let it shut me down or out of life.  I will not let it rule my emotions!  I am the keeper of my emotions and what I choose to focus on.  I choose life, faith, happiness and my family!  No matter what happens I will stay strong and positive and never give in. 

I love to laugh!!!!!  We will make the best of this!  There is something funny in everything we do.  Heck, Brian laughs at me all the time......so, Marshall is gonna have it easy with me around!!!!!