Saturday, February 12, 2011

Gosh Darnit!

Well, Marshall went into clinic yesterday morning at 9:30 and got his blood counts...they were good, so they hydrated him and they waited for a room up at the "Chemo Inn"  didn't get one til 2:30.  I was working so Brian was with Marshall and I showed up later on around dinner time and I spend the night there at the "Chemo Inn"  Chemo didn't start till 8:30 pm which means he SHOULD be home round dinner time on Tuesday.

These last couple of weeks have been emotional ones.....DARNIT!  I don't like that.  I don't want to cry at the drop of a hat.  I don't want to cry when someone gives me a hug........geeeesh!  I guess as my Dad said "I am holding the flood gates at bay"  Well, shoot must be quite a gate that is up there and quite the flood. 

You have no idea how you will respond in certain situations and I guess I am still learning.....SURVIVAL is key and it can only be done with your faith and support.  That's it!!!!! Don't like it....go away......!

Let me tell you!!!!!!!!  Brian and I came back from dinner last night.  They have a 2 visitor rule now bc of the flu and such, but that includes us.....so when Marshall has friends....yep!  we have to leave.  His great friend and another brought him "five guys"  and they hung out.  When we got back, Marshall was talking to his girlfriend and then Brian explained to me as I was chilling in bed....Yes I get the bed bc Marshall can't stand it.  He gets the pullout couch with our sheets, his pillow and a blanket from home (now two are on him) and Brian tells me he wants to be alone.  Just having a hard time with this and is so tired of it all.  Emotionally he was having a very hard time.

As a mother you already want/wanted to take this from him, as a mother you want to hold him until your tears are dried up bc you love him so much and hate what he is going thru, you want to tell him it's going to be okay, as a mother you want to smile as if nothing is wrong.....well, I do smile but there is something wrong......again, I do smile, but when your child has a hard time.....my heart breaks.......it has broken a bunch of times...silently, quietly and to myself.....always....okay, I did cry a couple of times in front of Marshall.....I am human....not wonderwoman.....and don't want to be....could never pull off that outfit....I did watch the TV show with "wonderwoman" when I was a kid....remember those.....her twirling around and changing.....LOL!!!! nice good ole days.  She was so pretty, still is.....anyway, as I said it is getting hard......am I falling apart?  No, it's natural, we went thru LA LA land when we had 6 weeks off.......then we got thrust into it with surgery and the back to Chemo......we are being retrained again....as is Marshall.  Reality sucks right now.....but my heart!!!!! when he came back (Brian was gone had left to go home)  I just said "you doing ok?"  He said "yep"  then he went to the bathroom and then said he was going to bed.  He curled himself up in bed with the covers and blanket up high and said "goodnight"  I went to him.....and made sure he was all covered up and laid my head on his arm (he was laying on his side) and rubbed his arm and told him I loved him very much and just laid there for awhile.....not too long didn't want to get kicked off and then my "mommy ego" would have been bursted.....gotta go with that fine line of loving and giving space and not toooooo much lovey dovey stuff.  They don't like that so much anymore.  He said he loved me too and I went to "my bed" it's an air bed...so everytime I move....it takes about 30 seconds to refill/readjust...and it's loud too.....LOL!  I was trying to later on ease drop on his conversation with his girlfriend......but I would move and then I couldn't hear.....LOL!!!!! that's what I get :0)

Today, I met a mother that just found out her freshman in college son has ALL (a form of leukemia)  she is in shock.  He just got diagnosed on Monday.  I am eating Ben and Jerrys "Mint Chocolate Chunk"  I treated myself bc Marshall had some and I thought well, I haven't had anything truly fattening or good.  All those Bday cakes, I just licked the icing after dishing out gorgeous looking cuts of cake or cookie cake.....yep....so no dinner tonight.....anyway, I was eating it and trying to talk to this mother and of course what do I do?????? yep!!!! Cry as I tell her it's kinda hard.....I told her that right now we are all having a hard time.  the honeymoon is over......I think my biggest complaint is my darn crying.  I want to be strong.  I don't think crying is a weakness at all......I've done it for years...you girls know what it's like....hormones, pregnancy, right after pregnancy.......shoot we are tears!!!!!!! that's what we do best...but what drives me nuts is that I can't have certain conversations without my voice going or I can't talk bc my throat is clamped shut......I just want to talk without the emotion.  How can you tell a mother that all is going to be okay when 2 minutes after you meet her......you can't talk......shoot...nice!!!!! so, she thinks like is gonna suck.....well, it is...but you make the suckiness work.......you find a room for the suckiness in your life and deal with it and it becomes apart of you and your family.

How do you look at your child that is hurting?  What can you do?  Nothing but hug and love him.......I have no idea what my poor child is going thru........it's killing him, but it is killing me to watch.....he is strong and he will provail I have no doubt....nobody said it was going to be wonderful all the time.  you have to fall to become stronger, you have to depend to become greater, you have to have faith to win.  There is no "one" outcome for winning......you must rely on Our Lord!

3 comments:

  1. Hang in there, Bridget..this is an ordeal of epic proportions. Marshall has over 1000 friends on facebook which means there are over 1000 set of hands clasped together in prayer for all. Marshall is a special young man and he has his entire life planned out already. What he has told me what is is going to do when he kicks the crap out of the big "C", I know he will be a successful person in his endeavours. I told him that awaiting his book is my thrill. I hurt for you all but so is God and I know that his hands are on Marshall's shoulder to comfort him. every chemo treatment -tho an ordeal is one step closer to happeness for all. keep your heads up and be proud tha you gave us Marshall so we can appreciate what we have evn more. God Bless ya'll and I truly love the Billingsley family like it was mine. Peace, Marshall!

    Roger Meilleur
    Winnipeg, Canada

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  2. Bridget, Thank you for sharing that with us. Of course I am in tears just reading it. I know what you mean by just holding on to them. I know if this was happening to one of my kids I would want to hold them and never let go until they were okay. I realize with Marshall being a teenager that is much harder. I know you must just want to cuddle him forever, and take both of you all's pain away. That peace of being held makes it all better for just that moment.

    I think about you all, all of the time. Whenever I think about how hard nursing school is and fear I'll never make it thru, I think of Marshall. He finishes his treatments in May, and I am supposed to graduate in May. I know it is no comparison to what he is going thru, but his words in his caring bridge help me put things in perspective. Like, I'm sweatin' this test, but Marshall having half his butt removed. My problem is really a non-problem. His words are just so inspiring. You can tell his foundation was rock solid. You and Brian have spent your life preparing for rain. Your kids have been raised in a solid, unshakable Faith.

    God Bless you!!! Our prayers will continue for you all!

    Kim

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  3. Everybody's problems, concerns....etc.....all are important. They are all relative...I am no different and your problems are not less important than mine!!!!! Kim, I think of you all the time and how hard you have worked.....you're just as inspiring!!!!
    P.S. I have no idea if you will see this...LOL!

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