Thoughts swirling in this thing called my Brain

bc = because (it's in my posts alot....just thought I would let you know)

It has been awhile since I have written, but I have had so many things on my mind and just didn't quite know how to write it all down.  So many emotions going thru my head. So many thoughts and questions swirling up in that empty space called my Brain at the moment.  BTW, I think I left it at the door of the hospital when this all started.  I haven't quite been the same person since then.

We live in a hard place these days...that's putting it mildy, but seriously, I came from a large family (oldest of 11) and I have a large family (to me I don't think so, but rest of the world does and likes to remind me how children come about as if I don't know), and I hope that I can instill God's presence and love and have the kids trust Him as we have.  It is scary being open to life, nothing is set in stone...there is no guarantee that life is going to be all parties, and sweet nothings just because you follow your faith.  I never thought that THANKFULLY!  Because with this I would have been in a world of hurt......Anyway, I do have a point in there somewhere and my Brain again is trying to leaf thru all that I want to say and get it out in a way that makes sense and is worth something bc I really don't want to delete all this and start all over again.

As a mother to 7 children, I feel as though I have a huge responsibility to the society and being a witness to my faith, husband and children.  I have to be tough, strong, love my life, children, husband, etc.  I can't be weak EVER.  Growing up with a large family, we always got starred at....I wanted to pick my nose and flick a bugger just to teach them a lesson on starring.  I felt the eyes on us, but I wouldn't dare acknowledge them.  I never had the guts to do that.  So, I would go on about my life, regretting that I didn't have the guts to do something disgusting.......LOL  I mean what are they waiting for?  Seriously, why do you have to stare at one table for your entire meal.  Yes, we actually behaved.  Yes, we never got out of our seats and ran circles round the tables.  Yes, we said "please, and thank you".  Yes, we knew if we did or didn't do what we were supposed to do, we would get it later and we didn't want that!!!!!!

I and of course with the help of Brian have done the same with my kids.  Granted, we don't take them out but once or twice a year.  Do you have any idea what a large family has to give up just to be one?  Don't get me wrong, but seriously, when you hear of all the restaurants that kids go to, shopping spree's (maybe not...but just shopping) and the vacations every school break.....Yes, it gets to me.  Makes me sad, but you know I would rather my 7 children and not be able to do all that for them, than have 2 and give them all that.  It still sucks, when someone asks you what is your child's favorite restaurant?  or clothing store.....embarrassing!!!!!!  Marshall is about the only one that has any idea at all.  Someone asked what his favorite steak restaurant was......I had to tell them that he didn't have one.  We have never taken him to one....ugh!  We do do steak, but Brian cooks it here....we love steak...!!!!!!!!!

See, I always go off topic.  Told you I had a lot on my mind.  OK, I think what I am trying to figure out in my life right now, is how strong to be outside?  and maybe inside?  I have no clue.  I am dealing with Marshall very well I think.  I don't cry alot.  I do my little 10 seconds here, 10 seconds there and then I'm good for awhile.  I can't remember when the last time was i cried.....oh, it was when we were meeting with the Radiologist.  I cried and tried not to, tried to hide it, but it's hard to miss red eyes and me casually wiping little streams of tears.  It was very hard to here what this crap does to you.  And to hear it being told what it is going to do to YOUR CHILD!  Seriously, that was hard.  I told Marshall the next day after dropping off my parents you know what.....this radiation sucks, and it can kill you but we have to pick the lesser of two evils, the one that might not kill you as much.  Like that is a great option.....unfortunately, with his lungs being involved, in order to save his life this is our only option to possibly give him another cancer that will kill him.  NICE!!!!!! Damned if you do and damned if you don't.  Even the Chemo is killing him.  We have to kill him in order to save him (God willing).  It's like seeing which one is going to kill him.....it is hard.  Don't get me wrong I am not all doom and gloom and that is my point right now.  How the hell do I act?  Should I be honest?  I have been, but I make sure I always have a smile not matter what.  Yes, I have to face the possibility that Marshall will not survive.  I have to.  I also will cry about it, but then I feel guilty for even thinking it.  I am a believer, but I HAVE TO BE PREPARED FOR THE WORST and that is LOOSING MY CHILD SOMEDAY!  How do you think about giving birth to this precious one, and it was only 17 years ago that seem like yesterday....and you have to LITERALLY worry about him dying.  Not surviving this evil thing in our lives.  Now I am crying.....dang it! I have said that I am worried he won't make it.....and  People tell me "Don't say that.....how can you think that?"  Well, how can I not.  I am his mother.  Yes, I believe in his surviving this, but then at the same time I would be an idiot not to deal with the possibility. God doesn't have the same thought process we do.  Just bc I am a faithful Catholic doesn't mean that God will spare My Marshall.  There have been many wonderful souls taken for no reason.  What about them?  It would be a win for Marshall either way.  He will either stay here and we would be blessed forever with him, or he will be blessed and be in Heaven with Our Lord, the Blessed Mother and all the Angels and Saints. 

It's like I have to watch what I say.  I can't be honest with many people it seems.  I don't like to complain.  I always feel guilty if I do, and there have been a couple of times that I did and I regretted it.   We have to be strong for so many people.  Also, some people don't believe that you are fine.  Doing great!!! It's funny that we have to be the strong ones for others.  I told Marshall there will be times that we have to.  Things do take a toll on you and the family.  Lots of things are strained right now.  It's normal, unfortunately.  I don't doubt we will survive!  Please continue to pray for us and strength.

 Things that go thru my mind are not things that go thru many people's mind.  My thought process took a 180 on October 4th and it will never be the same again.  I do have hope!  I do believe!  I do have faith!  there will never be a day when he does survive this that I won't be terrified that a new cell is growing in him, or a new cancer is spawning it's disgust inside my innocent child.

I am right with Marshall.  I am in battle with Marshall.  No I am not physically going to kick it's butt, but I will be there at his side and we will defeat it.  So much can be done for awareness of Sarcomas.  They are real these different bone cancers, and they are mean.  We don't hear about them much and I am going to change that.  You know Marshall has already "WON".  He defeated this cancer by facing it and not letting it defeat him emotionally.  He won bc he is taking it on head on.  We are doing that with him.  We are not sinking into a hole and feeling sorry for ourselves and making ourselves sick with worry.  I am not feeling sorry for myself.  You know this is just a battle we didn't choose, but one that we got and what can you do?  nothing!  You have to move on and go with it.  Take the reins and ride as fast as you can.  Ride hard and don't look back.  Look where your going and don't worry.  You can worry....Okay, now this is making sense....here I am talking about not worrying but then in a couple of paragraphs I was talking about my fears.  So, I do have my fears, I am a mother, who wouldn't!?  BUT, I am not going to let it rule my life.  I guess I am talking to myself right now.  I shouldn't feel guilty for thinking at times what I think about.  It is normal but it doesn't mean I am faithless, untrustworthy and such.  We all deal with our battles differently. I am a planner.  So, of course I am going to think of the possibilities.  That way I am not knocked off my feet when things happen.  I digest it, and move on. I face it, and move on.

YOU WILL WIN THE CANCER BATTLE JUST BY FACING IT HEAD ON!  If you don't physically win the battle it by no means you didn't win!!!!!!  Those that give up, consume their lives with negative, think the worst, never look to positives, don't embrace each day as a gift from God.......they have lost the battle!  It's how you deal with it.  How you lean on Our Lord and the Blessed Mother.  It's how you never ask why?  I might but I haven't ask why My Marshall.  I am not mad at God.  If anything I have never been more confident in His presence than ever.  The prayers around the world, the Masses being said around the world.......how can you not feel the power of Our Lord?  People say "Gosh, you are so positive...don't know how you do it?"  Well, what is the other choice.  You have no other choice.  Well, I guess you do!  We choose to face this head on and love life!  You have to continue to smile, believe that no matter what that you are taken care of, and never give up.  If you do....then the cancer defeated you!  That is not Marshall, not me and not this family!!!!!!!  This cancer picked the wrong family to mess with!  and yes, you better pray for this cancer bc we....this family...... will kick it's butt!!!!!!!!

Got off task.....LOL 


Also, I struggle with 'help'  I don't like to ask for help.  Remember I am superwoman! I can do it all.  LOL!!!!! I have learned to ask for some help....so darn hard!!!!  I feel useless asking for help.  It's like why can't I do that?  I should be able to do that.  God gives you what you can handle....Oh, and speaking of that.  Marshall is in the hospital for his 4th round and I am here home bc I have head cold that knocked me on my butt, but today I feel so much better, but it's Saturday now and on Wednesday around midnight Aidan (youngest) threw up and I guess I was so tired I didn't even here one of the kids tell us, Brian came down and was like "nice that you can sleep but I need your help"  I had no clue...LOL  he said I answered in the beginning...LOL but Aidan, got it on his bedspread and on the floor.  We brought him down to our room and he threw up a total of 3 times.  I feel panicked bc Marshall can't get sick he is supposed to go into the hospital on friday (yesterday) So, the next morning I wake up and feel rotten and Colin (#4) comes and and says he just threw up.....GREAT!!!! Brian ended up staying home bc he was so tired and he took Marshall to clinic and I stayed with the sick ones and stayed in bed.... :0) Thursday night, Elizabeth decides to get sick.....NICE!  at least not on the floor....she actually made it to the toilet (she has issues with making it...LOL)  So, on friday we waited for the hospital to call to get Marshall in.  I guess the floor was full and kids waiting for Chemo and they had to move around some kids.  Anyway, Marshall did go but not until 4:15 pm.  So far...nevermind....I am not gonna say it!!!!!!!

Well, if this post isn't a bunch of jumble....I told you that I had a lot going on.  I actually deleted a huge paragraph.....bc it didn't seem important anymore.  I was like....that's stupid..... :0)

We have choices:

Praise or despair
win or lose
smile or wallow
love or hate
head up or head down
fight or give up
be thankful for every God given moment or complain about all that is bad in your life

You have a choice.....which ones do you choose?  how are you going to live your life?  How are you going to life your life when your up?  How are you going to life your life when your down?  It's easy to talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?