Monday, March 21, 2011

These Precious Souls

I just saw the news on facebook from a mom I met thru the 6th floor, the Chemo Inn.  Her daughter has what Marshall has.  She is done with all her treatments, and is in remission!!!! On facebook though I saw that she posted that a little 11 year old girl lost her battle to Cancer today.  I have heard that this little girl wasn't doing well......my heart!

There is so much to say when you hear of some parent loosing their little child to Cancer.  You can't let it get to you.  You can't live for the depressing news of another child loosing their battle, but you do have to spread the word.  It's the way you deal with it.  I don't necessarily want to post of facebook of another child dying, but you have to pray for their souls and the families left behind.  these kids are happy and in Heaven!!! You can't doubt that......but these families are now living in what Hell is like....yearning for someone you can't ever see again....well, you will, but i don't want to get into symantics.....you understand what i mean?  hopefully.....

When in the Chemo Inn it's no big deal to pass a parent crying, see them look like crap or wear the same clothes that they were the day before.  you don't even flinch...I did in the beginning.....i saw a woman crying going into our first weekend....I was shocked.....now I know....it's an unspoken part of life...the grief, the fear, the exhaustion and the wonder.....

I am not sad for the child that is finally pain free as of today.  she is another sould that we can ask her to pray for us.  We can have her go to Our Lord for our benefit....and who could deny this precious little soul.  That is what I picture.  I looked at her pictures and yes she did have a contagious smile!!!! gorgeous.......little girl. 

My heart cries for the family.  She was diagnosed in 2006.....can you imagine?  that is a long time.  I know she prob had good times and assume that she was in remission at one point.  i haven't read the whole journal.....i felt called to write more than i could on facebook.....so i stopped.

What i want to say is stop complaining, stop worrying, just shut up and be grateful for what is before you today!  Yes, my child could die, yours could die...but shoot....we don't know so why waste your time and already being in "hell" and just stare at those beautiful eyes before you and thank God for every stinking second......we were given life by our parents as a gift from Our Lord.  Those souls that are not allowed to be born, will never have the opportunity to even have a chance to love, cry, hurt and know who God is.  They are denied all of that.  Even though Marshall has Cancer and has 1 out of a 5 chance to survive this.....I would do it all over again.  Heaven is for eternity.  that's forever!!!!! this life is short.......yes, it means a lot to us I am not looking forward to dying...to be honest....forever i just can't grasp.....ever and ever and ever.....man.....all will make sense in Heaven!  sowhat we suffer......no, not what i want for my child.  i would rather do it, but you can sit there and bring up and think about how awful it is......and how wrong it is........which it is, but okay, fine take it away.....in order for that you would have to take away that soul!!!! that special soul......that soul that God chose to give to you.  Just you!!!!! whether you, your hubby, wife, children are healthy or not......it's something that was given to us.  We didn't get a signed agreement that says...your life is gonna be joyous and full of everything you desire.  We are here for one purpose that is to get to Heaven!  that's it...plain and simple....we are to live our lives according to get there. 

i believe the cancer is a blessing.  I know it sounds wierd but you know.....God is going to take everything bad or good and always use it for His benefit.  Marshall is bringing people back to their faiths, he is having people praying that haven't prayed in years.  He is a witness to a life with your faith and your option on how to live it.  We get handed our lives and it's up to us what to do with it.  People say they are so blessed bc they don't have a sick child, or one with cancer.....We are blessed to!!!! I will never doubt it!!!!

No, i believe it is unfair that these little kids have to suffer and die....i really do.  I don't want to ever be that parent.  it would kill me......but you know  if i have to i will.  so, all those parents that still have their children that have beat the odds...you are so blessed!  i pray all the time....don't let that be me.  don't call me to that.  when we pray for the dearly departed...that is my strongest voice....don't let that be marshall.  please, but i do add....if so....give me the strength. 

this mother will never be able to hold he daughter again......but she got 11 years with this child and will have the opportunity to spend eternity with her, i am not making light of the situation.....i am trying to be positive.....and those of you with healthy children......you have years according to you.  you prob don't even think of it.....your child dying.......it's something that a parent with a child that has cancer has to think about, has to prepare for and no matter what you can't make your mind not think about it daily.  there is not a day that the one little thought doesn't enter my head.  you have to train yourself to have it leave as soon as it popped in......not easy.....things will set you off, a show, heck Marshall's puck drop......anything...out of the blue....today, hearing of this precious girl......yep....went right to it......i thought of Marshall.  I have had dreams of him dying i have cried in my dreams as i know i would cry.  i have felt that pain in my dreams.....i never ever want to feel it in real life........EVER.  like i said.....i think it's like Hell......that just popped into my head as i was writing this....miserable, in pain, sorrow, yearning for something you will never have on this earth again......i tear up when i meet a parent who has lost a child....it's automatic now.  it's like you know them and you hug them, but i am the lucky one, i feel bad........and i remind myself that i am the blessed one.  my cancer child is still here...breathing........he is still here!!!!!!!

people come up to us and tell us all the time "i don't know how you do it"  i don't either.  well, i do....it's our faith.  plain and simple.  i still can't explain it.  i really can't.  yes, i am done, yes i am stressed, yes i hate the chemo inn nights, yes i hate when it's my turn to spend the night, yes i hate seeing my son see through, yes i hate watching him eat 10 nuggets and throw up the 9 he got down and is left with one, yes i hate seeing him disappear to a skelaton, yes i want to make it better, yes i want to be the one to feel the pain so he doesn't have to, yes i want him to be the one that can go out for lunch and dinner while i get the chemo, yes i want him to be able to sit up straight and not be hunched over bc you are so tired with your mouth wide open trying to breathe, yes i want him to be able to do his household duties......

Life is a choice.  I have to daily choose a path i am going to take......every day you have an opportunity.  i continue to have my smile, my make up on, and dress for the day....not today....LOL!!!! i am scumming it.....hee-hee.  my friend told me this weekend that "man, you look great....i didn't expect you to look so put together".....LOL!!!!!  i try to keep my life as it was before.......the cancer is the only thing that has changed and everything that goes with it.  Life goes on.......We can't do this alone.  If it weren't for my faith, the Blessed Mother, Our Lord and all the Angels and Saints....and the millions praying for us.....nope....i'd be a basketcase......who wouldn't be. 

We all have a purpose and we don't know the 'whys' but it's not for us to know.  God sees the bigger picture.....have you ever noticed that people that get these awful diagnosis....shouldn't live past the age of 1, should be blind and die before 1, etc.....they have surpassed and are probably going to live longer than us.....they are strong ones they are.......they are the blessed ones...someone told me just on wednesday. 

I know this is a lot of babbling......and much prob doesn't make sense.....i am sorry!

May you have a continued Blessed Lent.......

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