Friday, October 5, 2012

Two Year Anniversary of Diagnosis...where am I now

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of Marshall's diagnosis.  I remembered the day before and leading up to it....and we had a situation happen the night before, I was so consumed with the hurt and anger, that i didn't remember until later in the day.  I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing?   Good in the sense that i don't live my life according to reliving every second in the past of all the awful emotional and physical toll we had to go thru and witness. Bad in the sense....i got carried away with as a friend had to remind me that with all i have been thru with Marshall, this is just a car, and a paint job.  It's unimportant in the scheme of what is precious.  When reading what she was telling me.....I needed to be reminded of what is important.  Thank goodness for true friends that can bring you back to what is important.  yes, there are times where you need to vent and get things out, but sometimes you can get carried away and so absorbed in what you are feeling that you can't see the big picture.  Yes, i am still infuriated and hurt with what immature, disrespectful kids did that was supposed to be a fun night of goofy games to an ambush with rotten eggs to 4 cars.  We work hard to give our kids what they need, and struggle to have a car necessary for the kids to get to work and places.  We take on a few bills that we weren't planning on but want to provide that for them.  And in a quick moment, people take that all away pride and think it's funny to destroy private property.  See, now you can see how much this consumed me if i am going on like this now, you should have seen me yesterday.....Heck, it made me cry i was so hurt and mad.....but like i said just a few sentences brought me back to reality.  I was able to carry on with the rest of my day.  Thank you, my dear!!!

I will never forget that day.  I was home and got the call.  It will always be fresh in my mind.  i remember where i was sitting, the scrap paper i had to write all that she was telling me.  how i paused when she mentioned the tumor in his lung....which wasn't one.....but i think she said that so not to have me panic.  I remember calling my sister and telling her very calmly the news, and my parents, and i made my rounds imagine how long that took....heehee.  i didn't cry....i was ok....i knew already and think i had just accepted it.  thank goodness i had no clue what was too happen.  it wasn't totally real yet.  We told marshall when he got home from school.  We called the parish and Father came by.  From the very beginning we had our faith and support we didn't have a clue was slowly building.  it became more real for me in the coming days.  meeting his oncologist, looking at the scans, hearing we need more scans, a biopsy in his lung to confirm, the things he talked about marshall's future, some side effects, outcome isn't great, it will be hard, and you have to be yesterday, was the calm before the storm for me. we moved so fast.  i am trying to remember, we met with the oncologist today, then tomorrow was the PET scan, the next was biopsy, and the next Oct 8th was first chemo.   this was a busy week for all of us.  i remember most the impact of meeting the oncologist.  i had to be strong from the very beginning.  there was no time to really understand it.  people coming over..being strong for them, kids at home....being strong for them....friends calling....being strong for them.....always being positive....but i wasn't able to really have my cry and be alone until prob the next week.  i will never forget going to blackstone for lunch while marshall was in for  was the first weekend of chemo....we went out to lunch...i remember hearing a couple complaining about something soooo stupid.  it hit me.  my life is changed forever!  i will never be the same again.  i looked at brian and said...i get it now....i totally get immediately think and look at the world thru different eyes. like you got a new pair and you are trying to make sure their the fit for you but things are blurry and you can't adjust to make your eyesight like it was.  it's a new pair...and you have them for life.  get used to it.  i wanted to say something to this couple.....and say...well, at least your child is not dying of cancer, i think you have it pretty shut up!  i at least had brian to help me explain things....gosh, don't know what i would have done if we were both spring chickens (is that the right meaning?) so, some of my shock was able to be explained to me by it works, chemo....the marshall is....i don't want to ever relive this again, but am glad i have.  it opened my eyes to a world that is forgotten or ignored.  we focus so much on unimportant things....heehee guilty!!!!!
Everything happens or is allowed for a reason.  Like little Lane Goodwin who is dying from his 3 time of having cancer.  He is 13 and should have been dead a couple of weeks ago.  he keeps going and going and is getting close and it has been hard for me to keep up on him, but i do every morning afternoon and evening.  he is an example of what these children are made of.  the fact that he is ready and has accepted death but is still giving a thumbs up.  can we do that?  wouldn't we be angry?  he is enjoying every second of his life and at the same time making an awareness of Childhood Cancer and the need for more research and funds.  others are now realizing that only 4% of the money that is given is going towards Childhood Cancer research.  the other 96% is going towards adult research.  these kids are our future.....why only 4%  without them we have nothing.  They will be taking care of us soon...but not if we don't help lower the deaths and diagnosis of children.
you will never be affected by the visual of kids with cancer unless you go to Cancer floor in a your walking to your child's look into all the rooms or see them walking around with their "peter" poles, or on tricycles or wagons just to get them out of rooms....looking at their faces, the tubes coming out of them, the crying of babies at night all want to go in there and just hold them tight and love them like your know that some of these little babies, kids, toddlers, teenagers and young adults will not be here.  i teared up every single time i walked in and walked out of marshall's floor....and do you know how many times i did that?  wheather it was to go refill my taco bell extra large drink, go have lunch, go home or just get some air.  it never changed my love and sorrow for these precious a visiting dog could make their day.  how one of the kids, marshall at one time would go from room to room with a pizza and ask if they wanted one and seeing a lonley teenager who had relapsed for the second time, his smile that he had a it made marshall smile too and they laughed and enjoyed what it did for eachother.
life is hard, but these kids shouldn't be doing the work for us.  we should be doing it for them.
this week will be all reflection for me as to where i was and where i am now.  Marshall has scans on, as i mentally remember, we will be going thru the typical hold your breath....praying it's not back....your heart beating faster for the week....your a little more anxious....but Our Lord's will be done.  It is out of my hands and in His.  It always was and always will be.  yes, i may freak out, worry but there isn't a darn thing i can do to change it.  Lane's parents can't make him not die.  They too are a beautiful example.  they are praying for a miracle, or no pain and peace for Lane.  That's how you be  a parent to a dying child with Cancer.  You don't let the monster grow in your heart or around you.  Gosh, to know that possibly i will have to go thru what they are is so hard to consider.  you pray you never do, you feel bad that yours is the one that survived.....i know when i was terrified that that tumor that was still there when we didn't get the words "remission"  i looked at all the surviving parents and kids and i was like...why mine?  why me?  i can't do this.  I don't want to be the one to sacrifice my's hard to look and watch them and many other families are facing death for their kids.  some are quick and only 3 years old and last months, some have lasted three years with fighting it multiple times.....some never see it again.
i know that we will in some form or fashion.  i know that.  with his young age and all the side effects of the chemo and radiation....i am not, yes, i have to be prepared and accepting for the possiblity.  i am not gonna say it's never gonna come back bc if you are not prepared then you get the life sucked out of you if and when it comes back.  you have to be realistic.  but in the meantime, i am gonna love his smile, his smell, hearing him off in the distance, hearing him play his xbox and feel the sound vibrating up here....and pray that i never have to go thru it again.
well, i best be going.  have a house to clean and clothes to wash.....

No comments:

Post a Comment