keep on......keeping on

Marshall is in here for his 12th round of chemo.  it's the long 5 dayer.....the dreaded depressing one for him.  I hope that he can make this one as good as the last long one turned out.  i spent the night last night and had my typical sleepless night.  i don't know why.  i always wake up around 2ish and am up for a couple of hours.  didn't help that something was going on outside the door.  don't remember the noise just something that was loud and woke me up multiple times in the beginning.  now it sounds as if they are polishing/cleaning the floors.....lol

my mind won't shut off.  brian always tell me to rest, sleep since nothing else to do in here.  well, i can't do it.  i stay awake like now, i could be sleeping but can't.  not that i could if i wanted to with the machine outside my door.....that seems to hang around here......

i stare at marshall sleeping here in the hospital.  sometimes he talks/whispers in his sleep.  i wonder what he is saying...i strain to here.....but can't.  he says funny things sometimes.....patrick can attest to that one.

he looks real good.....it helped with the shorter odd round of chemo round that he has now.  he actually got some color in him.  he wasn't so see through and grey in color....it's the chemo skin.....hollow and shades of grey and blue veins and thin skin.

sometimes he is death.  the look is what i am talking about.  no, he is not dying.....yes we are killing him to live, but he looks like death.  his body might be weak but his spirit is very strong.

why can't i sleep?  is it bc i am wondering what the future holds for all of us.  is it bc i want to watch my son sleep.  is it bc i love him so much that i just want to be awake while he is close to me.  i love him so much.  i know i repeat myself in these blogs, but i guess it's what is going thru my mind.  i stare at him and wonder.  how he became such a strong spirit.  i am so proud as he has taken this on.  although, i have no doubt that he would.  it is and always was in his nature.  he was born strong and confident and loving life.  he was born with a beautiful smile that could only make others love him more.  he was born with a spirit of kindness and selflessness towards his siblings and others.  yes, to mom and dad too. 

he is the perfect 'oldest' son.  couldn't have asked for a better one.  i would think that his siblings would say they couldn't have had a better older brother to watch over them and lead them thru life as an example.

marshall whether he likes it or not is an example and he is doing such a great job.  i am so proud of him and it's an honor to call him my son.  i don't deserve such a wonderful son who has to deal with what he has to deal with, but no sense in complaining.  it can't and never will change a thing.  it is a pointless waste of time and i can't stand it when people want to have me join in the pity party band wagon.  i am not going on there, hell no. leave me alone and stop trying to depress me.  i have so much to do and think about already.  i don't need someone bringing me down and making me feel as if i am not doing my job. 

i hope i am not a pity party.  it's hard to know when to bring up my son's cancer or not.  you don't want to rule the conversation or make people sad.  some people don't know whether to bring it up or talk about others with cancer around me.  it doesn't make me sad.  i am not 'sad' in the sense i can't cope when it's brought up.  it's life and if i can't handle it then i might as well give up now.  i like knowing about others.  i can pray for them and their families.  it is so hard for the parents to watch that it's nice to know there are others around you unfortunately going thru the same thing. 

i started full time work yesterday.  i am nervous with all that is going on with marshall and then add of course the 6 others that have lives too...then you need to add in sickness.....lol!!! i can do it.  it will work out the way it's supposed to.  all i can do is do what i am doing and if it's not working then change it.  God will help me see what i am supposed to do and not allow too much to be put on me.  He will give me the understanding to know when it's too much.  so, with me working 4 days a week is alot!! but i have a great job that allows me to be flexible.  it's so close to home that yesterday i went home twice to check on the kids.  one of the times was making them lunch.  yes, had two sick ones home.  one was better but couldn't go to school bc of the fever the day before and one was over the worst part just sitting in bed.....yes, i deal with some guilt.  i haven't worked since before marshall was born and then i had to quit when i was 3 months pregnant bc the morning sickness was so bad.  i was out more than i was in. 

again, God has worked this all out.  i was wondering what to do with aidan.  i was going to have to put him in a daycare......close to my work.  but now marshall is home all the time....lol.....it's weird how God makes things just work out.  he didn't give marshall cancer so i could have a sitter, timing just worked out so.  i was in school last january and graduated august 25th, a wednesday, and on monday august 31st i took marshall to the doctor and it was a roller coaster from then til diagnosis on october 4th.  so, see it all worked out.  i took marshall out of fr ryan which killed me and put him in to the public high school with catherine.  i knew there was a reason......i knew it.  i remember telling Brian...there's a reason God is allowing this to happen.  and if it wasn't for the new school we wouldn['t have been forced to do a physical for the new school.....that was august 31st....so....it all worked out.  catherine is alone at her public highschool but i can't help that and God must think it's okay bc she is still there and nothing has opened up to get her to fr ryan.  marshall got a donor to pay for his senior year at fr ryan.  i am very happy for him.  at least he won't be the new kid for his senior year....bc he barely went to his high school.  we had at least 2 doc appointments a week for that month.  so he never really got to know many people. 

it does make me sad that catherine won't be able to go and be around those that share the same faith, have Mass and be taught religion as a daily class.  i have to again remind myself that i guess God sees it's okay.  and the other kids....same thing with the other guys..  i wish we could afford to send them to a catholic school.  it hurts me everyday, especially on sundays when we have to drop them off to religious ed.  it makes me sad they can't go.  every now and then i go into my "why" for my kids to Our Lord.  my mom multiple times has said she wished she had the money to pay for the kids.  she would do it in a heartbeat and had always hoped to help her kids pay for a catholic education.  bless her heart for that and i know she would do that if she could. 

i thank God for my mother and father being so supportive to me and brian.  they have always told us what wonderful parents we are and how we are doing a great job and keep up the good work.  it is so nice to hear that.  you never really hear it.  well, i don't....lol  and it's nice to get that "keep it up doing great" pat on the back.  you know?  we need support verbally and emotionally to keep on keeping on....

that is one thing that my parents have given to me and brian as a couple and as parents.  they have always been supportive of brian as a father and make sure they tell him how wonderful of a job he is doing.  it puts a smile on my face.  i am proud my husband too.  i couldn't do this without him....not one bit.  we forget to appreciate those around us and that we need to tell them that.  your spouse can become your roommate.  your children can become passers byers......(my talking...and yes i would say that......) your family you just take for granted.  i have to remind myself to not do that.  it is hard, but i try everyday.  i fail oh yes i do, but i have to pick myself up.  right now, especially with all that brian and i have to go thru...it's so important to keep us "us"  i can see how easy it is to drift apart.  we work hard and yes i am a pain in the butt....a lot...but thankfully he puts up with me...and i with him.....no it's not perfect but it's life and you just have to keep on keeping on.....

i am climbing a hill right now on this dirt path that is before me.  it's a wide dirt path with rocks embedded in it.  the kind like i drove over in our suburban on the way to the cabin.  they bounce your car around and you have to maneuver around the big ones and know the ones you can go over and how to just slip down the middle just so with your tire.....yes, i was that good i had to.....with the day in and outs of driving that 30 min dirt road.  there were many pot holes and 3 creeks to cross..  i guess i have pictured my present path that dirt road.  there are some scary turns that on one side it's straight down. and you pray that as you go around this turn that someone from the other side is praying the same prayer and hugging their side.....lol 

although i don't know where this path will end.  why dirt?  i guess bc life is dirty.  you can always get up and clean yourself off but you will get dirty again.....hee-hee.  purgatory is our bath to cleanse ourselves of the dirt that got in the cracks that we didn't see.  the cabin would be the purgatory.  had to take a shower after your drive sometimes bc of all the dirt that came in the car.  you felt dirty.  couldn't see it, but you felt it.  and then Heaven would be going outside and listening to the wind blow the trees, the creek below and beside me flowing it's mesmerizing water.  i would fall asleep to it all the time. i would go outside and into the forest and listen and look.  the beauty around you.  the sounds perfect and you knew.....Our Lord did this.  no words for the calm and the beauty and the smells....

i will continue this journey on my dirt road towards Heaven.  i pray i get there.  i pray i help get the kids there.  i pray i have my spouse get there.  and i pray they all do the same for me. 

i don't want to give up and just sit in the middle of the road and collect scum and dirt.  i don't want to be so dirty that no one can see me anymore and i just become a part of the road.  i want to be seen and i want to see others along the path.  i want to wave with a smile a hello, you are not alone.  letting others know they are not alone as they do the same for me.  reminding me that others are on this path with us. and we will get there.  sometimes the water in the creek crossing will be too high and we have to find another route, but there is always another route.  one that will get you to your destination...Heaven. 

i hope i can be this person.  i hope i can do all i want to do.  with Our Lord i can do this.  i will cry some and pout some and stomp my foot, but i will do it.  marshall can do it and we will do it.  our family will travel this road together and help show us the way bc they see things that we don't see and we see things they don't see.  my children will help marshall get thru this.  they will help us get thru this.

i am so blessed with all my kids and my spouse.  i am not the best mother and wife, but i love them dearly and with all my heart.  i pray they know i love them and i hope that they are proud to have me as a mother  and wife as i am of them.