Summer is over and school has begun...at least for one child...the one that went thru hell last school year. Marshall started school last Friday and was/is so excited. He is a new man! He finished his Radiation treatments on Monday before school started. So, he went in as a Senior in High School with nothing hanging over him. He was done, his hair is growing back, he is working out, he is working, he is driving and hanging with friends....he is "normal" now. I looked at him the other night and man...he looks good. I told him that he looked the same last year at this time....looking at him right now you could not tell how sick he became and wounded he felt.
It's a new beginning for all of us. We get to "start over" if only we could take back time and start over, but i wouldn't change it for the world. I am a better person bc of Marshall. I am a better mother (kinda) bc of Cancer. I am a more understanding wife bc of Marshall and Cancer. I am a better Catholic bc of Cancer brining me down to the lowest of possible thoughts of loosing a child. It makes you grasp onto life more, it makes you sensitive to what's important and what's stupid and not worth your time. It makes you realize all the money in the world will never be or suffice for a child in your arms or a child you can see and say "I love you, have a good day" It makes you realize all the things you fight for....not worth fighting that hard for and not gonna get you where you think you need to be.
Cancer is a family member and is at dinner every night. he did come to dinner and he is here to stay whether we like it or not. It was an uninvited guest, but one you can't say no to. You have to accept it, and make a place setting for him bc he is here to stay. He is involved in everything you talk about at dinner. He helps you make decisions on your next course of thinking, treatments, dealings with the other kids. It's a spoiled brat that wants and gets all the attention. You raise your kids to not be brats, and be respectful, then Cancer comes and he forces himself on you and you have to look at the other children and explain that you can't help it and that this needs immediate attention and you have to leave them to tend to the spoiled brat, Cancer. They don't always get their way, sometimes and most of the time we can silence them into odedience, but sometimes and you don't know when or where or who, but it will become defient and just let loose at the dinner table. You serve him meals and he doesn't like anything. he is very specific and only wants what he wants. He wants you to change everything you do. he doesn't like smells and makes you get creative just for him. And you do all this just for him, as the other children are looking at you in bewilderment wondering why they don't get to do this or eat that or stay up and never sleep......they look at you and bc we raised them right....they go back to their meal.
Cancer takes over the conversations. Sometimes you can put a masking tape around his mouth and forget he's there which gives us the chance to make fun of him and laugh at him and tell jokes and make fun of things he does. yes, that's bad...we are not to do that......but that is a fault of mine. If you barge in my house and make yourself known and you know i don't want you there....if i can get you quiet then i will take advantage and give myself some humor.
Right now, he has nothing to say. we shut him up real good right now. we don't talk about him much if we do it's quick and no biggie. it was as if he never showed up. he has accepted his fate as of now and will remain quiet. he knows that there is nothing he can do at the moment, but he just sits and watches.......he is waiting.....waiting for a chance for that tape to come off and he can release his fury on the family. I hope that we never give him an opportunity to loosen that tape. i pray we got it on good. he can stay as long as he behaves and does what he is told. he is a child and a very badly mannered one. He was never taught good manners and we are showing him a thing or two. He doesn't like it and fought a good fight, but he has given in and waved the white flag. I will never let my guard down as a mother. You know how children are....they test you every once in awhile to see if your paying attention and you always have to pay attention. never give up. even if your nursing your youngest and the one above is testing you, seeing if you will quit nursing the child that has been crying and starving....yep, you get up and take care of business.....you get so good at it you can do it all while still nursing and the above looses double bc your that damn good now!
See cancer didn't realize what family's door he knocked on. It was a very capable one. Yes, we can still cry and worry and be scared...we are not "The Incredibles" we are "The Billingsley's" but we always get up. We always finish what we must and we expect a lot of our children and they know that. yes, they are pain in the butts, but butts i love to death! I love pinching their butts.......so cute.....wish i still had those butts....hee-hee
Cancer is an univited guest that we have allowed to share his life with us, since there was nothing we could do to kick him out to the curb. I am thankful that he is quiet right now. he has reaked havoc in other homes and destroyed them. I more than willing to have him sit quietly. I will take that over the jumping on the table and destroying everything we hold dear. I will not have him disrupt my family if i can help it. I hope he never does that, but if he does we as a family will still be sitting at the dinner table and we together will grab hold and never let go. We will all have ropes that intertwine together we are all connected that rope if Our Lord. He will hold things together...it may be dumpy but we will do it together.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Where are we now?
Here we are six weeks later.....where are we? I have to say....in a darn good place!!!!!!! I haven't written bc i was/am trying to digest it all, get back in the groove of life, kids, and work.....without the appointments and hospital stays and all. Man, it's quiet....i feel like i should be doing something....it's a good thing, but you do something scheduled every two weeks for 7 or so months and it becomes apart of your mental schedule you know.
June 13th, was a rough day for me. Heck, that week before was awful.....I really didn't handle the news well at all, and wish i was stronger than that. I don't know if it was me holding so much in that whole time before that I finally kinda broke......but the fear is justified, but i hated the weakness.
Anyway, that surgery that was supposed to be a piece of cake for an hour or hour and a half turned out to be 4 hours, a 4 incision, and three pairs of surgical hands up and down his right lung and no tumor. WOW!!!!! It's funny how the doctors and some others reacted to the news of no tumor. They wanted to immediately write it off to the scar tissue they found "in the vicinity" which was "square" not round. I was like "nope...I'm going for miracle" They would chuckle....or not know what to say. Now, not all of them, so don't get me wrong, but with the doctors it's like they want miracles to happen, but then when one does, they have to come up with something to explain it.
Here's my take on it.....
I personally believe that it was a Cancerous tumor! I believe God placed His hand on Marshall and gave him the Miracle of Life!!!!! Not kidding! I believe thru the intercession of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati he was given a miracle. Plain and simple as that for me. I believe that God took this tumor away that had been growing since the first scans in September from 4mm, 6mm, to 8mm. Why would God take away a benign tumor? Why waste the time...okay, He could, but would He? I don't think so...granted i don't mean to know what Our Lord did, but I don't think He would put Marshall thru all that for nothing. My mom made a comment after we heard the news of them not finding it and them having to go "physically" in him, that it would have been nice for the tumor to be gone before the surgery. I joked that God didn't get the memo.....so, the point is.....there was a reason for Marshall to go thru all that pain and torture again and add to the scars he already has...man, he is becoming a connect the dots, slices, and shark bites....LOL
Gosh, my thoughts are not coming in smoothly as i like them to when i write.....since i haven't written since the day of his surgery i haven't had to really sit down and think about it. and it still is emotional for me.......i think it always will be.
What can we take from Marshall's surgery? I think Faith!!!! We had/have to have faith to get thru this and continue to go thru it for the rest of our lives. God humbles us by putting us in our places.....who's in charge.......we control nothing. Miracle or not, Marshall was in God's hands and that scared the hell out of me i have to say. Now, he was always in His hands and still is, but i had to put my life completely in His hands too. My life was at steak, how was i gonna react, where would i put my faith, things like that. It really makes you think.....and realize where you are in your faith and are you like i say "talking the talking or walking the walk?" You can walk the walk and still be a basket case.....nobody said you have to do it with pom-poms cheering....okay, some are gifted with that...but me....i sure as heck wasn't.
it was easier to hear that Marshall had Cancer than it was to hear that your son has a tumor that been growing since the beginning and resisted chemo....and not knowing what it was.....
Marshall is back is all i gotta say!! His true smile, he always had it, but this is the real deal. His hair is growing and he has peach fuzz....love it. he is working out, working a little and so darn excited for school it isn't funny.
August 31st is when this journey began....the beginning....i can't believe it will have been a year. I remember the day when it all began like it was yesterday. i remember the call i got that afternoon telling me the X ray was abnormal and no idea, i remember meeting the next doctor, and his face for the results of the MRI, remember realizing we were being sent to an orthopedic surgical oncologist....i remember the call that changed our lives for ever. i remember knowing before the news and proof that our son had cancer. i remember Marshall diagnosing himself before too.
so, now......what am i going to take from all this? i am still processing it all. i think it is still settling in......Marshall is not done yet.....he is in the middle of his radiation treatments...so, i am still dealing with it a tad.....
i will take from this that faith is a powerful thing. if you don't have it, you won't get very far. we are such a small part of this big world and Our Lord's vision for the future. We have no control over what happens. Our children are gifts given to us parents to tend to, raise, and teach our faith and get them to Heaven. Death is something that shouldn't be feared, it is a step closer to our main purpose in life "to get to Heaven", our life is so temporary and short compared to Heaven. Children die everyday from Cancer, that children suffer everyday bc of Cancer. It's a whole new world that we live in now, with cancer being apart of it. i see a side i never knew before or cared to....to depressing. i have no choice now. i am surrounded by wonderful friends that have been affected by it and are still going thru it. you can't let it consume you....you will perish.....you have to put these precious souls in a special corner in your soul and pray for them daily.
i have especially taken away from all the the power of prayer!!!! i always have prayed and all, but to actually feel it.....never before!!!!! but never before did i need it so much. Brian and i literally would feel that power of prayer for us and the family. there is no way we could be where we are today without that!!!!!! we would have all broken a looooong time ago.
to me, all our prayer warriors are my heroes...i know Brian and Marshall feel the same way. we couldn't have done it without the Masses, Rosaries, prayers, offerings.......all of it. I will never forget my Grandma sending me a printout of all the convents, seminaries and such that were praying for Marshall.........hearing people tell me that Masses were said in other countries....friends/family lighting candles around the world for him.......i have to say....if your gonna get real sick.....nowadays is a good time bc of the technology.....you can let so many people know and pray for you.....that's huge!!!!!
i am proud of my son and how he never wavered from the goal. he always kept his faith and was prepared. he was/is a grand example of carrying a cross. i am so proud to be his mother and i am so unworthy to be his mother at the same time.
yep, i am still processing it all......
as a family, hmmmmm don't know...just got in the groove and got out of it just the same.....we had a great trip to the beach. we didn't worry about a thing...well, Marshall pulled a muscle (round his biopsy on his right side of his lung) so worried for a couple of days...but it turned out that he just had to sit it out for a day and a half and then was able to enjoy himself and get his "tan" on. it was the best family trip we have ever had........it was perfect......wish it could have lasted longer but at least we got one in!!!!!
our dinners are back to normal now. Marshall is not getting up and throwing up, or not eating or not feeling good or not sleeping.....our faces are not drawn with worry or exhaustion. we laugh alot!!!!!! we did all year too, but now the burden is lifted and the true joy is heard in our laughter around the table. we don't talk of cancer at the table anymore. we are "us" again.
i love my family so much and they are all precious little/big souls running around here.......they all have a path they must go thru and we don't know what that is yet. they are all in Our Lord's loving hands and i have to put myself there too. He loves us and doesn't want us to suffer....but sometimes it is allowed for reasons unknown to us. it's not up to us anyway. Only Our Lord knows....and that's His business and not ours. He sees the bigger picture we see a "dot" on the picture...not even that. i know souls came back to their faith bc of Marshall, souls became stronger in their faith bc of Marshall, and souls got to Heaven bc of Marshall. All his suffering was not wasted......granted, i would have not chosen him to suffer like this, but God knows what He is doing and Marshall is one heck of a young man! He is changed forever. He will never be the same. He knows what precious and that is life! He knows what suffering is and embraced it. He knows he couldn't do this alone and walked with Our Lord. He knows nothing is guaranteed and accepted it.
He knows he will never be done. He knows that every 3 months he will have to get scans.....and see if it has come back.....we will hold our breath every three months and pray for acceptance of God's will no matter what..either way. Many have to do that now. Our good friend Ashley.....her Ewing's Sarcoma came back in three months....so, they are living that reality right now. they are in the thick of it, but they are strong and hold to their faith! God has a plan for everyone. I remember when Marshall was going thru it.....us not knowing what the tumor was. i was looking at those that were fine.....and for the first time i started asking "why" i started to look at those past and present........and wonder......i made myself shutdown the "why" it's not for me to ask. it's for me to accept no matter what the outcome. now, i am the one that is fine.....and they are not.....how could i have been so weak......we don't know the future......we can't settle on giving up. you can't give up. you have to fight and fight with your faith!
every breath is a gift. every thought is a gift. every day is a gift. everyday we are given the chance to offer up our day, our Masses, our Rosaries for someone who is in the battle of their life. We are so blessed we forget how so many are suffering...and it's all relative.....we bicker about the traffic....shoot, at least we are there to bicker.....too hot outside....at least we can go outside. so many things we waste our breath on......and we miss so much opportunity on ourselves that we forget about those that really need our prayers our support and our love. i am guilty as charged.....i find myself doing that and i have to remind myself....it doesn't take long to remember my son! we forget the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus went thru......how could we forget that...and He did that for us! if He did that for us......what wouldn't He do for us now?
June 13th, was a rough day for me. Heck, that week before was awful.....I really didn't handle the news well at all, and wish i was stronger than that. I don't know if it was me holding so much in that whole time before that I finally kinda broke......but the fear is justified, but i hated the weakness.
Anyway, that surgery that was supposed to be a piece of cake for an hour or hour and a half turned out to be 4 hours, a 4 incision, and three pairs of surgical hands up and down his right lung and no tumor. WOW!!!!! It's funny how the doctors and some others reacted to the news of no tumor. They wanted to immediately write it off to the scar tissue they found "in the vicinity" which was "square" not round. I was like "nope...I'm going for miracle" They would chuckle....or not know what to say. Now, not all of them, so don't get me wrong, but with the doctors it's like they want miracles to happen, but then when one does, they have to come up with something to explain it.
Here's my take on it.....
I personally believe that it was a Cancerous tumor! I believe God placed His hand on Marshall and gave him the Miracle of Life!!!!! Not kidding! I believe thru the intercession of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati he was given a miracle. Plain and simple as that for me. I believe that God took this tumor away that had been growing since the first scans in September from 4mm, 6mm, to 8mm. Why would God take away a benign tumor? Why waste the time...okay, He could, but would He? I don't think so...granted i don't mean to know what Our Lord did, but I don't think He would put Marshall thru all that for nothing. My mom made a comment after we heard the news of them not finding it and them having to go "physically" in him, that it would have been nice for the tumor to be gone before the surgery. I joked that God didn't get the memo.....so, the point is.....there was a reason for Marshall to go thru all that pain and torture again and add to the scars he already has...man, he is becoming a connect the dots, slices, and shark bites....LOL
Gosh, my thoughts are not coming in smoothly as i like them to when i write.....since i haven't written since the day of his surgery i haven't had to really sit down and think about it. and it still is emotional for me.......i think it always will be.
What can we take from Marshall's surgery? I think Faith!!!! We had/have to have faith to get thru this and continue to go thru it for the rest of our lives. God humbles us by putting us in our places.....who's in charge.......we control nothing. Miracle or not, Marshall was in God's hands and that scared the hell out of me i have to say. Now, he was always in His hands and still is, but i had to put my life completely in His hands too. My life was at steak, how was i gonna react, where would i put my faith, things like that. It really makes you think.....and realize where you are in your faith and are you like i say "talking the talking or walking the walk?" You can walk the walk and still be a basket case.....nobody said you have to do it with pom-poms cheering....okay, some are gifted with that...but me....i sure as heck wasn't.
it was easier to hear that Marshall had Cancer than it was to hear that your son has a tumor that been growing since the beginning and resisted chemo....and not knowing what it was.....
Marshall is back is all i gotta say!! His true smile, he always had it, but this is the real deal. His hair is growing and he has peach fuzz....love it. he is working out, working a little and so darn excited for school it isn't funny.
August 31st is when this journey began....the beginning....i can't believe it will have been a year. I remember the day when it all began like it was yesterday. i remember the call i got that afternoon telling me the X ray was abnormal and no idea, i remember meeting the next doctor, and his face for the results of the MRI, remember realizing we were being sent to an orthopedic surgical oncologist....i remember the call that changed our lives for ever. i remember knowing before the news and proof that our son had cancer. i remember Marshall diagnosing himself before too.
so, now......what am i going to take from all this? i am still processing it all. i think it is still settling in......Marshall is not done yet.....he is in the middle of his radiation treatments...so, i am still dealing with it a tad.....
i will take from this that faith is a powerful thing. if you don't have it, you won't get very far. we are such a small part of this big world and Our Lord's vision for the future. We have no control over what happens. Our children are gifts given to us parents to tend to, raise, and teach our faith and get them to Heaven. Death is something that shouldn't be feared, it is a step closer to our main purpose in life "to get to Heaven", our life is so temporary and short compared to Heaven. Children die everyday from Cancer, that children suffer everyday bc of Cancer. It's a whole new world that we live in now, with cancer being apart of it. i see a side i never knew before or cared to....to depressing. i have no choice now. i am surrounded by wonderful friends that have been affected by it and are still going thru it. you can't let it consume you....you will perish.....you have to put these precious souls in a special corner in your soul and pray for them daily.
i have especially taken away from all the the power of prayer!!!! i always have prayed and all, but to actually feel it.....never before!!!!! but never before did i need it so much. Brian and i literally would feel that power of prayer for us and the family. there is no way we could be where we are today without that!!!!!! we would have all broken a looooong time ago.
to me, all our prayer warriors are my heroes...i know Brian and Marshall feel the same way. we couldn't have done it without the Masses, Rosaries, prayers, offerings.......all of it. I will never forget my Grandma sending me a printout of all the convents, seminaries and such that were praying for Marshall.........hearing people tell me that Masses were said in other countries....friends/family lighting candles around the world for him.......i have to say....if your gonna get real sick.....nowadays is a good time bc of the technology.....you can let so many people know and pray for you.....that's huge!!!!!
i am proud of my son and how he never wavered from the goal. he always kept his faith and was prepared. he was/is a grand example of carrying a cross. i am so proud to be his mother and i am so unworthy to be his mother at the same time.
yep, i am still processing it all......
as a family, hmmmmm don't know...just got in the groove and got out of it just the same.....we had a great trip to the beach. we didn't worry about a thing...well, Marshall pulled a muscle (round his biopsy on his right side of his lung) so worried for a couple of days...but it turned out that he just had to sit it out for a day and a half and then was able to enjoy himself and get his "tan" on. it was the best family trip we have ever had........it was perfect......wish it could have lasted longer but at least we got one in!!!!!
our dinners are back to normal now. Marshall is not getting up and throwing up, or not eating or not feeling good or not sleeping.....our faces are not drawn with worry or exhaustion. we laugh alot!!!!!! we did all year too, but now the burden is lifted and the true joy is heard in our laughter around the table. we don't talk of cancer at the table anymore. we are "us" again.
i love my family so much and they are all precious little/big souls running around here.......they all have a path they must go thru and we don't know what that is yet. they are all in Our Lord's loving hands and i have to put myself there too. He loves us and doesn't want us to suffer....but sometimes it is allowed for reasons unknown to us. it's not up to us anyway. Only Our Lord knows....and that's His business and not ours. He sees the bigger picture we see a "dot" on the picture...not even that. i know souls came back to their faith bc of Marshall, souls became stronger in their faith bc of Marshall, and souls got to Heaven bc of Marshall. All his suffering was not wasted......granted, i would have not chosen him to suffer like this, but God knows what He is doing and Marshall is one heck of a young man! He is changed forever. He will never be the same. He knows what precious and that is life! He knows what suffering is and embraced it. He knows he couldn't do this alone and walked with Our Lord. He knows nothing is guaranteed and accepted it.
He knows he will never be done. He knows that every 3 months he will have to get scans.....and see if it has come back.....we will hold our breath every three months and pray for acceptance of God's will no matter what..either way. Many have to do that now. Our good friend Ashley.....her Ewing's Sarcoma came back in three months....so, they are living that reality right now. they are in the thick of it, but they are strong and hold to their faith! God has a plan for everyone. I remember when Marshall was going thru it.....us not knowing what the tumor was. i was looking at those that were fine.....and for the first time i started asking "why" i started to look at those past and present........and wonder......i made myself shutdown the "why" it's not for me to ask. it's for me to accept no matter what the outcome. now, i am the one that is fine.....and they are not.....how could i have been so weak......we don't know the future......we can't settle on giving up. you can't give up. you have to fight and fight with your faith!
every breath is a gift. every thought is a gift. every day is a gift. everyday we are given the chance to offer up our day, our Masses, our Rosaries for someone who is in the battle of their life. We are so blessed we forget how so many are suffering...and it's all relative.....we bicker about the traffic....shoot, at least we are there to bicker.....too hot outside....at least we can go outside. so many things we waste our breath on......and we miss so much opportunity on ourselves that we forget about those that really need our prayers our support and our love. i am guilty as charged.....i find myself doing that and i have to remind myself....it doesn't take long to remember my son! we forget the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus went thru......how could we forget that...and He did that for us! if He did that for us......what wouldn't He do for us now?
Monday, June 13, 2011
He's got this!!!!!
Here I am...up for the day and wondering what it will have in store for us. Marshall goes in today at 12:30. we have to be there at 10:30. We will wait, get called back, wait some more, answer questions for the millionth time, meet the doctors that will have our son in their hands, leave and wait in the huge room with other families having a child in surgery. then they will update us and tell us to wait in a room for the surgeon to come and talk to us.
Right there!!!! that is when my heart is going to stop. i keep envisioning what he will say, what the news will be and how i will walk out of that room.....which one is it? i do not know. what is Our Lord asking of Marshall, me, and Brian. i do not know. how will my life, our lives be different? i do not know. we can do this. Marshall has this. Please God let this be true!!!!!
I was very emotional yesterday (sunday) i had finally chilled and got it all digested by friday. but it was the feast of Pentecost at Mass......i was like....great, of course it is. don't get me wrong.......i just knew the tears would be a flowing.......i did good......held off til communion...on and off earlier but got them to remain in my eyes......we got asked to bring up the gifts. i thought it was ironic that the last time marshall went into surgery we got asked. it was a sunday and he was going in on a monday.......of course i remind the kids to genuflect after handing the gifts to Father and sean didn't get the memo.....he turned left to head back to the pew, and colin and genuflected and sean trips over his leg....of course i kinda grab him and i am kinda laughing, trying not to........bc we are in Mass.......gotta love a big family and it's ups and downs...literally.
i woke up yesterday emotional again i think bc the surgery was tomorrow so i had to think about it. have to pack and plan.......my work gave me a card via brian yesterday afternoon and said that they loved and supported me and have a surprise visitor for me...can i guess who? well, brian said brook contacted him......so, i thought her brother from "little big town" i ran out of the room and told the kids...clean up, clean up we have a visitor coming...they asked who and i said i don't know but maybe....blah, blah blah......had to fake it in the areas they would possibly be coming....ran down and told marshall and his girlfriend......
i went up to bed and rested looking at every car wondering when he would come. i ended up falling asleep and someone said their here!!!!! i jump up and see our friend's car.......kinda registered kinda not.....they were bringing us dinner so i went to the bathroom, powdered my nose...and came out of the room and saw our friend. he told me to go downstairs and had a surprise.......it was down there....i go down, still extremely sleepy and fuzzy.....and brian shows me the basketball all signed.....i was like ok......still don't know about the ball forgot. so catherine tells me by the way you know your pink dress? so eighties prom like......hot pink and poofy!!!! yeah baby!!!! i said yes. she said will it got ripped the kids were playing and ripped it......i said ok lets see how bad...something like that......thank goodness i was still half asleep and people were around i would have killed a few peoples........so i go in and there in the closet my mom jumps up and down....SURPRISE.....i was silent....like not breathing.......i hugged her so hard and cried and cried......wow!!!!! that was incredible....and still in shock....
we had a great dinner as a family. marshall wanted steak and crab legs...and that's what he got from our friends......i had a great steak and sweet potatoe, salad......yummmmmmmmmm we all feasted!!!!!
so here we are today and i must run...it's late and i have to pack, get ready and go to work for 1 client then heading to the hospital...........
my heart hurts, and it's been beating nonstop.....alllllll night. kept dreaming of i have no clue.........tossed and turned....today is the day!!!!!! bring it on.......and let's see how it ends up.
Our Lord be with my son, and this family! Blessed Mother hold my son while the surgeons are working on him. Angels and Saints guide and protect my son and all those that will be assisting in marshall's surgery!
Right there!!!! that is when my heart is going to stop. i keep envisioning what he will say, what the news will be and how i will walk out of that room.....which one is it? i do not know. what is Our Lord asking of Marshall, me, and Brian. i do not know. how will my life, our lives be different? i do not know. we can do this. Marshall has this. Please God let this be true!!!!!
I was very emotional yesterday (sunday) i had finally chilled and got it all digested by friday. but it was the feast of Pentecost at Mass......i was like....great, of course it is. don't get me wrong.......i just knew the tears would be a flowing.......i did good......held off til communion...on and off earlier but got them to remain in my eyes......we got asked to bring up the gifts. i thought it was ironic that the last time marshall went into surgery we got asked. it was a sunday and he was going in on a monday.......of course i remind the kids to genuflect after handing the gifts to Father and sean didn't get the memo.....he turned left to head back to the pew, and colin and genuflected and sean trips over his leg....of course i kinda grab him and i am kinda laughing, trying not to........bc we are in Mass.......gotta love a big family and it's ups and downs...literally.
i woke up yesterday emotional again i think bc the surgery was tomorrow so i had to think about it. have to pack and plan.......my work gave me a card via brian yesterday afternoon and said that they loved and supported me and have a surprise visitor for me...can i guess who? well, brian said brook contacted him......so, i thought her brother from "little big town" i ran out of the room and told the kids...clean up, clean up we have a visitor coming...they asked who and i said i don't know but maybe....blah, blah blah......had to fake it in the areas they would possibly be coming....ran down and told marshall and his girlfriend......
i went up to bed and rested looking at every car wondering when he would come. i ended up falling asleep and someone said their here!!!!! i jump up and see our friend's car.......kinda registered kinda not.....they were bringing us dinner so i went to the bathroom, powdered my nose...and came out of the room and saw our friend. he told me to go downstairs and had a surprise.......it was down there....i go down, still extremely sleepy and fuzzy.....and brian shows me the basketball all signed.....i was like ok......still don't know about the ball forgot. so catherine tells me by the way you know your pink dress? so eighties prom like......hot pink and poofy!!!! yeah baby!!!! i said yes. she said will it got ripped the kids were playing and ripped it......i said ok lets see how bad...something like that......thank goodness i was still half asleep and people were around i would have killed a few peoples........so i go in and there in the closet my mom jumps up and down....SURPRISE.....i was silent....like not breathing.......i hugged her so hard and cried and cried......wow!!!!! that was incredible....and still in shock....
we had a great dinner as a family. marshall wanted steak and crab legs...and that's what he got from our friends......i had a great steak and sweet potatoe, salad......yummmmmmmmmm we all feasted!!!!!
so here we are today and i must run...it's late and i have to pack, get ready and go to work for 1 client then heading to the hospital...........
my heart hurts, and it's been beating nonstop.....alllllll night. kept dreaming of i have no clue.........tossed and turned....today is the day!!!!!! bring it on.......and let's see how it ends up.
Our Lord be with my son, and this family! Blessed Mother hold my son while the surgeons are working on him. Angels and Saints guide and protect my son and all those that will be assisting in marshall's surgery!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
deflated
I went to work yesterday hoping to get a call and tell me the words "remission" it's what every parent wants to hear and expects it.....My 10 am client had to move to 12 pm. i was mad, bc i had just walked into work and had 2 hours to do nothing, about 10 minutes later marshall's oncologist called. He apologised for not calling last night, i never expected it......and went on to tell me that they didn't have all the official results/reports from the PET and the MRI, but looked okay, and that the bone was good, but........silence......and he went on about a nodule/tumor that has been there since the beginning and they have been watching it....well, it did grow. so, we don't know what it is. and only way to tell is surgery. my heart sunk........a couple of friends have been using the term "deflated" yep.....i was like an accordian releasing all the air.....but i handled myself really well on the phone with him. said we were gonna come up with a game plan, and have some options, but we will get together tomorrow (today...now) and all sit and talk, go over the scans and figure out what we are gonna do.
when i called brian to tell him, it hit me then as i broke down and when i was telling him, i was realizing the possiblity that sure it can be just an infection and no biggie or something much greater with stakes i don't even want to think about......so, i let brian know, then i called mom.....darn it...think the whole building heard me balling.....i couldn't contain it......i guess when you talk to your mom that's what happens. she holds you and takes care of you and need her....this was over the phone of course.....felt bad for my mom....she couldn't do a thing...then she told me to call dad that he would like to hear it from me....so i called and i told him.....
i tried to stay at work, it was creeping up to 12 pm and my clients were adding up........i was gonna try, but i kept crying.....and bless my co-workers they would come in and give me a hug, and of course i would cry allllll over again....my eyes hurt, my cheeks hurt, my heart hurt......
i left work and brian and i met somewhere to see eachother and wait for marshall to get home to tell him. he took it so well......i wish i could be strong like him. i really do. there is nothing we can do, praise God it's operable.....so there is hope......it's just another waiting game to see what it is. and it's probably nothing, but as a parent you remember what the doctors told you in the beginning about how aggressive this cancer is and it coming back....well, shoot whatever this is never left...so your mind starts wondering and it's so stinking human....darn it!!! now, i don't break down in front of him. i fell apart all day long behind the scenes.
yesterday, was the first time that the word "why" came in my head, but i told it to go away.....but it's creeping in my head....i can't....i can't....i can't......i have come this far, we have been taken care of and will continue to....but let me tell you. this is the most scared i have been thru all of this. i am absolutely terrified........my heart won't stop beating fast, my mind won't turn off the possiblities...i want answers, i want to sleep again.....i want to scream...i want to grab marshall and run...run...run....as far away as i can and get away from all this. i want to take him to a safe place and just hold him.......he's my child, my husband's son, he's his siblings brother......etc......he is loved by so many and prayed for by millions.....
Our Lord will be with marshall, brian, the kids and me as we yet again walk thru another door with unknown certainties for just a little bit. i will be patient.....yeah right! i just thought we were done.....simple as that.....well, this flat tire is gonna go meet with the doctors......until later! pray for us
when i called brian to tell him, it hit me then as i broke down and when i was telling him, i was realizing the possiblity that sure it can be just an infection and no biggie or something much greater with stakes i don't even want to think about......so, i let brian know, then i called mom.....darn it...think the whole building heard me balling.....i couldn't contain it......i guess when you talk to your mom that's what happens. she holds you and takes care of you and need her....this was over the phone of course.....felt bad for my mom....she couldn't do a thing...then she told me to call dad that he would like to hear it from me....so i called and i told him.....
i tried to stay at work, it was creeping up to 12 pm and my clients were adding up........i was gonna try, but i kept crying.....and bless my co-workers they would come in and give me a hug, and of course i would cry allllll over again....my eyes hurt, my cheeks hurt, my heart hurt......
i left work and brian and i met somewhere to see eachother and wait for marshall to get home to tell him. he took it so well......i wish i could be strong like him. i really do. there is nothing we can do, praise God it's operable.....so there is hope......it's just another waiting game to see what it is. and it's probably nothing, but as a parent you remember what the doctors told you in the beginning about how aggressive this cancer is and it coming back....well, shoot whatever this is never left...so your mind starts wondering and it's so stinking human....darn it!!! now, i don't break down in front of him. i fell apart all day long behind the scenes.
yesterday, was the first time that the word "why" came in my head, but i told it to go away.....but it's creeping in my head....i can't....i can't....i can't......i have come this far, we have been taken care of and will continue to....but let me tell you. this is the most scared i have been thru all of this. i am absolutely terrified........my heart won't stop beating fast, my mind won't turn off the possiblities...i want answers, i want to sleep again.....i want to scream...i want to grab marshall and run...run...run....as far away as i can and get away from all this. i want to take him to a safe place and just hold him.......he's my child, my husband's son, he's his siblings brother......etc......he is loved by so many and prayed for by millions.....
Our Lord will be with marshall, brian, the kids and me as we yet again walk thru another door with unknown certainties for just a little bit. i will be patient.....yeah right! i just thought we were done.....simple as that.....well, this flat tire is gonna go meet with the doctors......until later! pray for us
Monday, May 30, 2011
This is it....for now #4
i am up....don't know how....i guess all us mom's just are able to do things we really don't want to do. Marshall is falling back asleep. it is 9:35 am on Monday morning and marshall's chemo is done, and he is so close to being unhooked from "peter" forever....hopefully! marshall got his last chemo last night around 12ish in the morning and then at 3:30 am the nurses came in and were counting down the last milliliters.....it was hilarious....they wanted to do a normal countdown 9...8..7.....but it had to like this 7.................................6 (nope).....................6.....................................................................................5......(not yet)............
it was so funny....and the last drop finished at 3:36 am!!!! man...what a word. DONE!
i am not as emotional now. i have gotten better since yesterday. i think i have come to terms with what this all means and is. for me it's always hard in the beginning but then i give it time to sink in and i am ready to go. i can do this!!!! i so can do this!!!!
I won't let the unknown waste my life away. i will continue to pray and have faith that Our Lord is with Marshall. i know He is, but it is still scary.
we have reached the end and a new beginning. as marshall gets up, showers, gets dressed, unhooks, and walks out of here....these steps are steps that have never been taken by this family. we started this as a family and we will walk this as a family.
I want to thank the Blessed Mother for being with me during these trying times on me. as a mother of a large ( i guess....kinda small to me) family, settling into working for the first time in years and taking care of marshall, you were there. i felt you daily, hourly, every minute and second. you never changed the image i have of you in my head as i had of you when i first moved here and cried my heart out for my mom that i missed terribly and still do.
thinking about that....hmmmmm. i have always done things alone in my family. it's funny, you can be the oldest of 11 kids but still do everything by yourself. i walked across the desert by myself in kindergarten to wait at the bus stop. i was the first to graduate, i went to trivium a school in Massachusetts for my junior and senior year in high school.....by myself...i crossed the country three times a year doing that all by myself with those big planes, and bigger airports......i went to college (now that's no biggie) but i was alone living in nashville, not knowing a soul or the family i roomed with while there....man, did that change....LOL
i was the first to move away permanently......let me tell you....being 8 months pregnant with your second child and leaving your family to move to where your husband is from way, way, way far away......ugh......i will never forget that pain that i felt. i still have some of that pain bc i miss so much at home. all the nieces and nephews, parties, sacraments......weddings.......all that....anyway, that is not the point here, i am getting off topic, but i did it first and alone in a sense of not having my family with me. i did have my husband and my marshall in the backseat, but brian was happy.....i wasn't....lol! so i consider it "alone" for the point. i always wondered why i did everything alone, and all. my other siblings always had one or two other siblings with them at trivium for their high school years...so they had someone to fly with, stay with and a family member to talk to. i remember my first year at trivium. i racked up mom and dad's phone bill to over $300.00 i think...or more. in those days long distance wasn't free.......we didn't have cell phones....then either...gosh, i am talking about the "good ole days"
i wonder if my journeys that i took "alone" with no one to be there with me, were in a sense a guide and setting for this right now. the unknowns of this cancer with marshall and never experiencing it before...i didn't know, like i didn't know what was to come when i did all i did growing up alone. i was the "setter" for the whole family....not that anyone is going to follow in my footsteps...well, let's hope not!!!!!! this is one pack i don't want to be the leader of....that's for sure!!!! i would rather it happen to me than anyone else.....let's keep it this way.
granted i am a whiner and am so not perfect. brian has been so strong thru this. he too was being prepared for this journey also. i really believe that. he was like me as he had to do somethings....by himself....also, brian is fearless...he has been such an inspiration to me. he held my hand when i needed it, he held me tight when i needed it, he soothed me when i needed it......he also massaged my feet when i begged..... :0)
no matter what i do, or what happens from now on....i will remember to always think of others. i will not talk only about myself, and my sorrows, i will take time to see that others need an ear. i know i have been one of those many times thru this. where it's all i talk about......you gotta get it out somehow and a friend or family's ear is so nice to have. although i hated using them.......i hated complaining, but there came times where i just had to. i held it in so long. or you try not to let it bug you but it just doesn't work.
marshall did it. i can't believe it!!!! yes, i can, but i can't believe it's over.......of course, everytime i say it's over...i hear a voice in my head say "it never will be, but i know what you mean" great...now i am hearing voices and they are talking back to me.....LOL
cheers to marshall for being such an inspiration to so many. cheers to all those that have continued to keep him and us in their prayers, Masses, petitions. cheers to those nurses that took such good care of marshall, cheers to the doctors that did all they could and listened when we cried, yelled and misunderstood or had no understanding. cheers to my husband for doing this together and being my rock. cheers to catherine for being mom so many days and nights while we were in the hospital. cheers to all my kids for helping out and doing what you were told (MOST OF THE TIME). cheers to all those that put up with my parent's chemo brain of a child's chemo brain for all the misreading, misunderstanding, totally dropping the ball, just flat out forgetting... cheers to the many people/friends/family for meals, babysitting, driving, picking up, gift cards, etc.....we could not have done it without you all.
words could and can never express the gratitude we feel. it is so humbling. there is so much to be thankful for. the list goes on and on!!!!! i am going to remember (not always) to be thankful, look at the bright side....things could be so much worse, don't dwell on the 'why' just embrace and move on, laugh, love, and remember Our Lord is tending to His flock....He always will. so no matter what, we are in God's hands. we all have a story to tell. it's up to us how we are gonna tell it. how we are gonna live it. i get chances everyday and minute on how i am gonna tell my story. am i gonna do it with a smile and hope or bring them down and feel sorry for me. marshall is an inspiration as to how to embrace this huge cross that was given to him. always with a smile, while laughing and making a joke of it, but serious when need be. he never lost his faith, always had hope and shared his love!
very soon we will walk out of this room, this floor, and those elevators......
it was so funny....and the last drop finished at 3:36 am!!!! man...what a word. DONE!
i am not as emotional now. i have gotten better since yesterday. i think i have come to terms with what this all means and is. for me it's always hard in the beginning but then i give it time to sink in and i am ready to go. i can do this!!!! i so can do this!!!!
I won't let the unknown waste my life away. i will continue to pray and have faith that Our Lord is with Marshall. i know He is, but it is still scary.
we have reached the end and a new beginning. as marshall gets up, showers, gets dressed, unhooks, and walks out of here....these steps are steps that have never been taken by this family. we started this as a family and we will walk this as a family.
I want to thank the Blessed Mother for being with me during these trying times on me. as a mother of a large ( i guess....kinda small to me) family, settling into working for the first time in years and taking care of marshall, you were there. i felt you daily, hourly, every minute and second. you never changed the image i have of you in my head as i had of you when i first moved here and cried my heart out for my mom that i missed terribly and still do.
thinking about that....hmmmmm. i have always done things alone in my family. it's funny, you can be the oldest of 11 kids but still do everything by yourself. i walked across the desert by myself in kindergarten to wait at the bus stop. i was the first to graduate, i went to trivium a school in Massachusetts for my junior and senior year in high school.....by myself...i crossed the country three times a year doing that all by myself with those big planes, and bigger airports......i went to college (now that's no biggie) but i was alone living in nashville, not knowing a soul or the family i roomed with while there....man, did that change....LOL
i was the first to move away permanently......let me tell you....being 8 months pregnant with your second child and leaving your family to move to where your husband is from way, way, way far away......ugh......i will never forget that pain that i felt. i still have some of that pain bc i miss so much at home. all the nieces and nephews, parties, sacraments......weddings.......all that....anyway, that is not the point here, i am getting off topic, but i did it first and alone in a sense of not having my family with me. i did have my husband and my marshall in the backseat, but brian was happy.....i wasn't....lol! so i consider it "alone" for the point. i always wondered why i did everything alone, and all. my other siblings always had one or two other siblings with them at trivium for their high school years...so they had someone to fly with, stay with and a family member to talk to. i remember my first year at trivium. i racked up mom and dad's phone bill to over $300.00 i think...or more. in those days long distance wasn't free.......we didn't have cell phones....then either...gosh, i am talking about the "good ole days"
i wonder if my journeys that i took "alone" with no one to be there with me, were in a sense a guide and setting for this right now. the unknowns of this cancer with marshall and never experiencing it before...i didn't know, like i didn't know what was to come when i did all i did growing up alone. i was the "setter" for the whole family....not that anyone is going to follow in my footsteps...well, let's hope not!!!!!! this is one pack i don't want to be the leader of....that's for sure!!!! i would rather it happen to me than anyone else.....let's keep it this way.
granted i am a whiner and am so not perfect. brian has been so strong thru this. he too was being prepared for this journey also. i really believe that. he was like me as he had to do somethings....by himself....also, brian is fearless...he has been such an inspiration to me. he held my hand when i needed it, he held me tight when i needed it, he soothed me when i needed it......he also massaged my feet when i begged..... :0)
no matter what i do, or what happens from now on....i will remember to always think of others. i will not talk only about myself, and my sorrows, i will take time to see that others need an ear. i know i have been one of those many times thru this. where it's all i talk about......you gotta get it out somehow and a friend or family's ear is so nice to have. although i hated using them.......i hated complaining, but there came times where i just had to. i held it in so long. or you try not to let it bug you but it just doesn't work.
marshall did it. i can't believe it!!!! yes, i can, but i can't believe it's over.......of course, everytime i say it's over...i hear a voice in my head say "it never will be, but i know what you mean" great...now i am hearing voices and they are talking back to me.....LOL
cheers to marshall for being such an inspiration to so many. cheers to all those that have continued to keep him and us in their prayers, Masses, petitions. cheers to those nurses that took such good care of marshall, cheers to the doctors that did all they could and listened when we cried, yelled and misunderstood or had no understanding. cheers to my husband for doing this together and being my rock. cheers to catherine for being mom so many days and nights while we were in the hospital. cheers to all my kids for helping out and doing what you were told (MOST OF THE TIME). cheers to all those that put up with my parent's chemo brain of a child's chemo brain for all the misreading, misunderstanding, totally dropping the ball, just flat out forgetting... cheers to the many people/friends/family for meals, babysitting, driving, picking up, gift cards, etc.....we could not have done it without you all.
words could and can never express the gratitude we feel. it is so humbling. there is so much to be thankful for. the list goes on and on!!!!! i am going to remember (not always) to be thankful, look at the bright side....things could be so much worse, don't dwell on the 'why' just embrace and move on, laugh, love, and remember Our Lord is tending to His flock....He always will. so no matter what, we are in God's hands. we all have a story to tell. it's up to us how we are gonna tell it. how we are gonna live it. i get chances everyday and minute on how i am gonna tell my story. am i gonna do it with a smile and hope or bring them down and feel sorry for me. marshall is an inspiration as to how to embrace this huge cross that was given to him. always with a smile, while laughing and making a joke of it, but serious when need be. he never lost his faith, always had hope and shared his love!
very soon we will walk out of this room, this floor, and those elevators......
Sunday, May 29, 2011
This is It.....for now #3
Well, it's sunday and brian spent the night last night. it was brian's last night...hopefully forever!!!!! we sat at blackstone's for lunch today and brian said...."i just spent my last night last night" it's like...."yeah, oh my gosh......these steps that we are taking are ones that we have never taken before. we have had a cancer run since october and knew all, had our places to hang out to let marshall's visitors hang and chat with him freely...we know all and they know us. it's a family in and out of the hospital....
today, i woke up....let's back up. i went home last night and got home around 6ish and the kids were gone. our great friends took the 6 kids to dinner, movie and then maggie moo's....they had a blast....anyway, i went home with NO ONE THERE.......Heaven!!!!! i did laundry...bc brian let me know that he was out of "underwear" so, went home and did "our" laundry.....and i was reheating dinner.....and had the microwave going on, and the dishwasher and i thought i heard the garage door open. i was like....."hello?" and i heard "hello" it was my hubby!!!!! man...this is awesome.....he came home since marshall had a ton of visitors and he left and decided to just go home...it was a treat. we watched a movie together and chilled until marshall needed a dinner.......so, kids got home late...that's okay......granted my pandora didn't work on our DVD and my NOOK....well there went my chill night with music.....so, no biggie....but brian let me....boohoo.....i cried...it was so nice to just sit with him and watch a movie....so, get up this morning and then i take the 6 kids to Mass....of course Sean and Aidan were on each side of me...and i had to make sure they were looking forward, not picking on eachother, then one would go to the other side of me and i would pull them back without looking...yes, i am that good.....so it goes with Mass. we saw family friends and then i had to deal with the "pointing:" pushing down the fingers bc someone might think they are pointing at them and they are not...you know the drill.....it's life and it's funny...wouldn't have it any other way. so, chatted after Mass then took the kids to the hospital to see marshall. it's been forever since they had been here. they had a 2 person rule during the flu season and you know what that means....ummmm, not gonna do it....not gonna fight who gets to go and not...so we made it simple....no one went...but those of you with large families so get me in this.....some might say i am cruel, but life in a large family works different and there are different rules that apply and we are all good and no one complains bc we all understand....love this
i am happy....don't know why......yes i still want to cry a little but i am slowly coming to terms with the ending of this...as long as i don't have to say good bye to any of the nurses i am good.
so, they came brian got doughnuts and orange juice for the kids....brian's parents were here when we came it was great and we just chilled, the kids got to see marshall and granny and papa.......then brian and i took them home and i packed up for my last night and we went to get a bite to eat, get marshall something and then head to the hospital. so...it's been a good day. met a dad, actually two as i was walking out to give marshall a break from a parent while visitors were here....in a wierd way...i hate to leave. i will miss everyone here......we have met some great people......parents, nurses....etc.
it was a great day..... we just went around 6b and asked some kids if they wanted some pizza that marshall had leftover.......we are laughing and see the end....and marshall is a different very happy man right now......one of the boy's didn't want any pizza, so we made rounds and came back to our room and he and his mother (he is 5) came in and he wanted his picture with marshall. we chatted for a bit. he is adorable....your heart.....you have a mom that finds you and you understand her and feel it and you totally get it. granted she has one thing i don't... a seven week old.....and lives 2 hours away. we have it so easy.
i am not gonna get much sleep tonight. marshall gets his last round of chemo at 12:30...why i had to go get the party poppers....for him.....so no sleep...i am drinking my diet coke, had to get a refill......gonna need the caffine....that so doesn't look right...the spelling....hummm oh well. helicopters everywhere...hear them constantly since it's memorial day weekend...man the hospitals are busy with life flight...so sad...i always wonder what happened.....who is it? where were they? all those.....questions.
well, i am gonna write tomorrow...i will tell you about the night or early morning and marshall's last chemo. i am honored to be apart of this for and with my son!!!!!
today, i woke up....let's back up. i went home last night and got home around 6ish and the kids were gone. our great friends took the 6 kids to dinner, movie and then maggie moo's....they had a blast....anyway, i went home with NO ONE THERE.......Heaven!!!!! i did laundry...bc brian let me know that he was out of "underwear" so, went home and did "our" laundry.....and i was reheating dinner.....and had the microwave going on, and the dishwasher and i thought i heard the garage door open. i was like....."hello?" and i heard "hello" it was my hubby!!!!! man...this is awesome.....he came home since marshall had a ton of visitors and he left and decided to just go home...it was a treat. we watched a movie together and chilled until marshall needed a dinner.......so, kids got home late...that's okay......granted my pandora didn't work on our DVD and my NOOK....well there went my chill night with music.....so, no biggie....but brian let me....boohoo.....i cried...it was so nice to just sit with him and watch a movie....so, get up this morning and then i take the 6 kids to Mass....of course Sean and Aidan were on each side of me...and i had to make sure they were looking forward, not picking on eachother, then one would go to the other side of me and i would pull them back without looking...yes, i am that good.....so it goes with Mass. we saw family friends and then i had to deal with the "pointing:" pushing down the fingers bc someone might think they are pointing at them and they are not...you know the drill.....it's life and it's funny...wouldn't have it any other way. so, chatted after Mass then took the kids to the hospital to see marshall. it's been forever since they had been here. they had a 2 person rule during the flu season and you know what that means....ummmm, not gonna do it....not gonna fight who gets to go and not...so we made it simple....no one went...but those of you with large families so get me in this.....some might say i am cruel, but life in a large family works different and there are different rules that apply and we are all good and no one complains bc we all understand....love this
i am happy....don't know why......yes i still want to cry a little but i am slowly coming to terms with the ending of this...as long as i don't have to say good bye to any of the nurses i am good.
so, they came brian got doughnuts and orange juice for the kids....brian's parents were here when we came it was great and we just chilled, the kids got to see marshall and granny and papa.......then brian and i took them home and i packed up for my last night and we went to get a bite to eat, get marshall something and then head to the hospital. so...it's been a good day. met a dad, actually two as i was walking out to give marshall a break from a parent while visitors were here....in a wierd way...i hate to leave. i will miss everyone here......we have met some great people......parents, nurses....etc.
it was a great day..... we just went around 6b and asked some kids if they wanted some pizza that marshall had leftover.......we are laughing and see the end....and marshall is a different very happy man right now......one of the boy's didn't want any pizza, so we made rounds and came back to our room and he and his mother (he is 5) came in and he wanted his picture with marshall. we chatted for a bit. he is adorable....your heart.....you have a mom that finds you and you understand her and feel it and you totally get it. granted she has one thing i don't... a seven week old.....and lives 2 hours away. we have it so easy.
i am not gonna get much sleep tonight. marshall gets his last round of chemo at 12:30...why i had to go get the party poppers....for him.....so no sleep...i am drinking my diet coke, had to get a refill......gonna need the caffine....that so doesn't look right...the spelling....hummm oh well. helicopters everywhere...hear them constantly since it's memorial day weekend...man the hospitals are busy with life flight...so sad...i always wonder what happened.....who is it? where were they? all those.....questions.
well, i am gonna write tomorrow...i will tell you about the night or early morning and marshall's last chemo. i am honored to be apart of this for and with my son!!!!!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
This is it............ for now #2
Well, i have decided that i am going to "journal" these last days at the chemo inn. I spent the night last night. it was marshall's second night. They just started his "3rd" dose of chemo. after this he will be over the hump with only 2 more left......
We have a nurse for today that gave him his first chemo on the first day. and we haven't had her since, but it's ironic that we get her on this last round of chemo.
i don't sleep here in the hospital at all. i didn't get to bed til about 2 am, then add the nurses coming and going, flushing the toilets.....every hour or so. so i put on my headphones and listened to pandora a "george winston" station...my headphones sucked and i could still hear so i changed to brians......i looked like a hoot with the old style of big black round headphones but the cancel out some of the noise and i didn't have to blar the music. then i even looked hotter by the fact that i had to use my pink night sweatershirt with a zipper don't know what you call them...i am too tired to think, but had to put the over my eyes bc of the hall lights beaming in the long window by the door....so, i must have looked like a sight to the nurses coming and going. oh well this is no place to make a fashion statement. if anything it seems to look the opposite here......things go that you would never guess. of course the nurses are all cute as heck!!!!
i am still very teary eyed. i am dreading the goodbyes. another nurse came in around midnight last night to say hey and such and i didn't want to say goodbye. we chatted and she is so pretty i have to say.....heck they all are.....it must be a requirement to work here......lol
she talked about this maybe being the only night she will be here...and i started to tear up but it was dark, ugh. again i go back to all they, the nurses, have done. i wonder if it's the fact that i am a little scared to leave this hospital for the last time. all this time i knew where we were, what was going on, marshall's counts. we came here every two weeks......sometimes more. but i knew where i was. where marshall was. when we walk out of those doors, i will have no clue where we are. i won't see the assuring faces all the time answering my questions. i have depended since october on marshall's counts. those told me where he was, how he was doing.....now " " nothing. but on the bright side....his counts will be fine, they won't be an issue.....but as a parent.....i will wonder if the cancer has creeped back. ok, i am being dramatic i guess bc we will scan every three months....but inbetween that time......will i wonder, will i look at marshall and try to see if something has changed, everytime he hurts will i wonder if the cancer is back?
it's a tad like our faith....we don't know, we believe.......period! end of story. i do believe! but there is always a voice of concern. so, he made it thru this......okay, piece of cake....now here comes the rest of his life.....what about that. i can see and handle 8 months. i know it i can see it, etc....but now.......til the day he dies.......how will i handle it?
it will be i assume day to day. i read marshall's caring bridge yesterday after a saw a client.....i cleaned my room, read it....then cried!!!! marshall tends to make me cry with some of his posts.....thankfully no one saw and i got it together before my next one. to feel what he feels.....no clue? to think what he thinks....slight idea, but never in the grand scheme of things. he doesn't sleep at night...no wonder. who could blame any kid with cancer.....their life is on the line and what do you think when it's all quiet and your brother is snoring and keeping you up.....poor patrick...love ya buddy.
i took two halarious pictures of marshall last night...i posted them on facebook.....
since i am "journaling" i guess i have to bring up some funny things to maybe laugh......well, yesterday at work...i went to the bathroom, washed hands and then went into break room to dry them....the air thing takes forever....and i see toilet paper on the floor......"crap" pick it up and throw it away..i have never done that before......so i put my hand back and forth behind me.....and all of a sudden another one falls.....SERIOUSLY i guess so....."crap" again.....i have never done that. i guess that's what you get for laying down toilet paper on the toilet before you sit down.......so, i walked out with who the heck knows what it looked like from behind, prob had my sweater tucked in my pants with the toilet tucked out........i was all paranoid....i carefully walked out to the main area of the store and looked in the long mirror before my next client was gonna come. could you imagine walking behind me as i am about to do a service on you and i have toilet paper sticking out....NICE
okay, that was humiliation #1....on for next one......brian and i are walking to sportsman grill for dinner last night......we walk from hospital. so, we have cicadas here in town. the 13 year ones....don't get me started. i have been jumpy for 3 weeks now.....they dive bomb you, sit there and stare at you, they trick you, they psyche you out....so, we are coming to it and outside they have these 2 or 3 huge trees.....well, they are all dead, squished, in multiple pieces on sidewalk...i am dodging those....can't imagine the faces as i pass. and they are everywhere.....flying all in and out of the trees......on the ground, leaving ground and going up into trees....sitting on the ground...by the hundreds....AND I HAVE TO GO THRU THIS TO GET TO THE RESTAURANT......again.....SERIOUSLY...guess so. there are some guys sitting on the patio...hell no! and i am swatting, yelping, screeching, jumping, and talking loudly to myself......nice!!!!!! that was awful!!!! that's all i gotta say....
so, NEXT.......we get back to the room and yes at dinner i didn't bring one cicada in there...i kept checking believe me.....guys are staring at me wondering what the heck is wrong with me. yes, all women right now.....it's our shining moment during the rein of the 13 year cicadas........great! so, back to topic. i want to take off my gladiator's (those are my shoes....steve madden and soooo comfortable for those of you that are interested) and i go to get my flip flops so i can go to the bathroom....get water.....etc....bc i am sooooo not touching that hospital floor.....NOPE forgot them. they are sitting i guess on my dirty clothes hamper waiting to be packed.......they are still waiting....now, my gladiators are a zip in the back and i don't like to do that afraid to where out the zipper....so they lace up in front so i not so nicely slip my feet in there and tie them...okay, this ain't gonna work......so, what's my only option....? hmmmmm the option is hospital grade yellow socks with white stickies on both sides so you don't slip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY....yep! so embarrassing....of course..so i prayed i didn't have to pee last night. i made it til 6:15 am....pretty good...but i did have to put them on again bc marshall wouldn't wake up to peter (the pole) beeping...i kept yelling "marshall" "marshall" all i got was "uuuuu" i was like "your beeping...call the nurse" nothing but another one of those responses other than him hitting the side of his bed as if that is gonna quiet the beeping...so put my socks on to take three steps.....took me longer to put them on than it did to do my duty of calling the nurse. so, i have had the nurses be my slaves today. had to ask for coffee (just got my second one) and then last night a water refill.....i am not a sit on your tush and have others serve you....oh, and last night i could'nt pull out the bed. so i had to call our nurse. she laughed when she came in bc she got paged and they told her "yeah, she needs help with the bed" it was embarrassing...but to my credit she had a hard time with it. it was stuck......
today is sunny and bright.....dang.....it was at 6:15 am. i thought i slept in til 12.....nope...never gonna happen. we will see what today brings. i will stay home tonight but be here for his last night...and we will leave monday afternoon. it seems to be an ongoing party.......all the nurses come in and ask "did i miss the party" thankfully we tell them no....they give a sigh of relief. they sure love marshall and are gonna miss him, but he promises to visit.......
so, that is journal #2 i guess. we will see what the rest of this ends up looking like.
We have a nurse for today that gave him his first chemo on the first day. and we haven't had her since, but it's ironic that we get her on this last round of chemo.
i don't sleep here in the hospital at all. i didn't get to bed til about 2 am, then add the nurses coming and going, flushing the toilets.....every hour or so. so i put on my headphones and listened to pandora a "george winston" station...my headphones sucked and i could still hear so i changed to brians......i looked like a hoot with the old style of big black round headphones but the cancel out some of the noise and i didn't have to blar the music. then i even looked hotter by the fact that i had to use my pink night sweatershirt with a zipper don't know what you call them...i am too tired to think, but had to put the over my eyes bc of the hall lights beaming in the long window by the door....so, i must have looked like a sight to the nurses coming and going. oh well this is no place to make a fashion statement. if anything it seems to look the opposite here......things go that you would never guess. of course the nurses are all cute as heck!!!!
i am still very teary eyed. i am dreading the goodbyes. another nurse came in around midnight last night to say hey and such and i didn't want to say goodbye. we chatted and she is so pretty i have to say.....heck they all are.....it must be a requirement to work here......lol
she talked about this maybe being the only night she will be here...and i started to tear up but it was dark, ugh. again i go back to all they, the nurses, have done. i wonder if it's the fact that i am a little scared to leave this hospital for the last time. all this time i knew where we were, what was going on, marshall's counts. we came here every two weeks......sometimes more. but i knew where i was. where marshall was. when we walk out of those doors, i will have no clue where we are. i won't see the assuring faces all the time answering my questions. i have depended since october on marshall's counts. those told me where he was, how he was doing.....now " " nothing. but on the bright side....his counts will be fine, they won't be an issue.....but as a parent.....i will wonder if the cancer has creeped back. ok, i am being dramatic i guess bc we will scan every three months....but inbetween that time......will i wonder, will i look at marshall and try to see if something has changed, everytime he hurts will i wonder if the cancer is back?
it's a tad like our faith....we don't know, we believe.......period! end of story. i do believe! but there is always a voice of concern. so, he made it thru this......okay, piece of cake....now here comes the rest of his life.....what about that. i can see and handle 8 months. i know it i can see it, etc....but now.......til the day he dies.......how will i handle it?
it will be i assume day to day. i read marshall's caring bridge yesterday after a saw a client.....i cleaned my room, read it....then cried!!!! marshall tends to make me cry with some of his posts.....thankfully no one saw and i got it together before my next one. to feel what he feels.....no clue? to think what he thinks....slight idea, but never in the grand scheme of things. he doesn't sleep at night...no wonder. who could blame any kid with cancer.....their life is on the line and what do you think when it's all quiet and your brother is snoring and keeping you up.....poor patrick...love ya buddy.
i took two halarious pictures of marshall last night...i posted them on facebook.....
since i am "journaling" i guess i have to bring up some funny things to maybe laugh......well, yesterday at work...i went to the bathroom, washed hands and then went into break room to dry them....the air thing takes forever....and i see toilet paper on the floor......"crap" pick it up and throw it away..i have never done that before......so i put my hand back and forth behind me.....and all of a sudden another one falls.....SERIOUSLY i guess so....."crap" again.....i have never done that. i guess that's what you get for laying down toilet paper on the toilet before you sit down.......so, i walked out with who the heck knows what it looked like from behind, prob had my sweater tucked in my pants with the toilet tucked out........i was all paranoid....i carefully walked out to the main area of the store and looked in the long mirror before my next client was gonna come. could you imagine walking behind me as i am about to do a service on you and i have toilet paper sticking out....NICE
okay, that was humiliation #1....on for next one......brian and i are walking to sportsman grill for dinner last night......we walk from hospital. so, we have cicadas here in town. the 13 year ones....don't get me started. i have been jumpy for 3 weeks now.....they dive bomb you, sit there and stare at you, they trick you, they psyche you out....so, we are coming to it and outside they have these 2 or 3 huge trees.....well, they are all dead, squished, in multiple pieces on sidewalk...i am dodging those....can't imagine the faces as i pass. and they are everywhere.....flying all in and out of the trees......on the ground, leaving ground and going up into trees....sitting on the ground...by the hundreds....AND I HAVE TO GO THRU THIS TO GET TO THE RESTAURANT......again.....SERIOUSLY...guess so. there are some guys sitting on the patio...hell no! and i am swatting, yelping, screeching, jumping, and talking loudly to myself......nice!!!!!! that was awful!!!! that's all i gotta say....
so, NEXT.......we get back to the room and yes at dinner i didn't bring one cicada in there...i kept checking believe me.....guys are staring at me wondering what the heck is wrong with me. yes, all women right now.....it's our shining moment during the rein of the 13 year cicadas........great! so, back to topic. i want to take off my gladiator's (those are my shoes....steve madden and soooo comfortable for those of you that are interested) and i go to get my flip flops so i can go to the bathroom....get water.....etc....bc i am sooooo not touching that hospital floor.....NOPE forgot them. they are sitting i guess on my dirty clothes hamper waiting to be packed.......they are still waiting....now, my gladiators are a zip in the back and i don't like to do that afraid to where out the zipper....so they lace up in front so i not so nicely slip my feet in there and tie them...okay, this ain't gonna work......so, what's my only option....? hmmmmm the option is hospital grade yellow socks with white stickies on both sides so you don't slip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY....yep! so embarrassing....of course..so i prayed i didn't have to pee last night. i made it til 6:15 am....pretty good...but i did have to put them on again bc marshall wouldn't wake up to peter (the pole) beeping...i kept yelling "marshall" "marshall" all i got was "uuuuu" i was like "your beeping...call the nurse" nothing but another one of those responses other than him hitting the side of his bed as if that is gonna quiet the beeping...so put my socks on to take three steps.....took me longer to put them on than it did to do my duty of calling the nurse. so, i have had the nurses be my slaves today. had to ask for coffee (just got my second one) and then last night a water refill.....i am not a sit on your tush and have others serve you....oh, and last night i could'nt pull out the bed. so i had to call our nurse. she laughed when she came in bc she got paged and they told her "yeah, she needs help with the bed" it was embarrassing...but to my credit she had a hard time with it. it was stuck......
today is sunny and bright.....dang.....it was at 6:15 am. i thought i slept in til 12.....nope...never gonna happen. we will see what today brings. i will stay home tonight but be here for his last night...and we will leave monday afternoon. it seems to be an ongoing party.......all the nurses come in and ask "did i miss the party" thankfully we tell them no....they give a sigh of relief. they sure love marshall and are gonna miss him, but he promises to visit.......
so, that is journal #2 i guess. we will see what the rest of this ends up looking like.
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