Well, i have decided that i am going to "journal" these last days at the chemo inn. I spent the night last night. it was marshall's second night. They just started his "3rd" dose of chemo. after this he will be over the hump with only 2 more left......
We have a nurse for today that gave him his first chemo on the first day. and we haven't had her since, but it's ironic that we get her on this last round of chemo.
i don't sleep here in the hospital at all. i didn't get to bed til about 2 am, then add the nurses coming and going, flushing the toilets.....every hour or so. so i put on my headphones and listened to pandora a "george winston" station...my headphones sucked and i could still hear so i changed to brians......i looked like a hoot with the old style of big black round headphones but the cancel out some of the noise and i didn't have to blar the music. then i even looked hotter by the fact that i had to use my pink night sweatershirt with a zipper don't know what you call them...i am too tired to think, but had to put the over my eyes bc of the hall lights beaming in the long window by the door....so, i must have looked like a sight to the nurses coming and going. oh well this is no place to make a fashion statement. if anything it seems to look the opposite here......things go that you would never guess. of course the nurses are all cute as heck!!!!
i am still very teary eyed. i am dreading the goodbyes. another nurse came in around midnight last night to say hey and such and i didn't want to say goodbye. we chatted and she is so pretty i have to say.....heck they all are.....it must be a requirement to work here......lol
she talked about this maybe being the only night she will be here...and i started to tear up but it was dark, ugh. again i go back to all they, the nurses, have done. i wonder if it's the fact that i am a little scared to leave this hospital for the last time. all this time i knew where we were, what was going on, marshall's counts. we came here every two weeks......sometimes more. but i knew where i was. where marshall was. when we walk out of those doors, i will have no clue where we are. i won't see the assuring faces all the time answering my questions. i have depended since october on marshall's counts. those told me where he was, how he was doing.....now " " nothing. but on the bright side....his counts will be fine, they won't be an issue.....but as a parent.....i will wonder if the cancer has creeped back. ok, i am being dramatic i guess bc we will scan every three months....but inbetween that time......will i wonder, will i look at marshall and try to see if something has changed, everytime he hurts will i wonder if the cancer is back?
it's a tad like our faith....we don't know, we believe.......period! end of story. i do believe! but there is always a voice of concern. so, he made it thru this......okay, piece of cake....now here comes the rest of his life.....what about that. i can see and handle 8 months. i know it i can see it, etc....but now.......til the day he dies.......how will i handle it?
it will be i assume day to day. i read marshall's caring bridge yesterday after a saw a client.....i cleaned my room, read it....then cried!!!! marshall tends to make me cry with some of his posts.....thankfully no one saw and i got it together before my next one. to feel what he feels.....no clue? to think what he thinks....slight idea, but never in the grand scheme of things. he doesn't sleep at night...no wonder. who could blame any kid with cancer.....their life is on the line and what do you think when it's all quiet and your brother is snoring and keeping you up.....poor patrick...love ya buddy.
i took two halarious pictures of marshall last night...i posted them on facebook.....
since i am "journaling" i guess i have to bring up some funny things to maybe laugh......well, yesterday at work...i went to the bathroom, washed hands and then went into break room to dry them....the air thing takes forever....and i see toilet paper on the floor......"crap" pick it up and throw it away..i have never done that before......so i put my hand back and forth behind me.....and all of a sudden another one falls.....SERIOUSLY i guess so....."crap" again.....i have never done that. i guess that's what you get for laying down toilet paper on the toilet before you sit down.......so, i walked out with who the heck knows what it looked like from behind, prob had my sweater tucked in my pants with the toilet tucked out........i was all paranoid....i carefully walked out to the main area of the store and looked in the long mirror before my next client was gonna come. could you imagine walking behind me as i am about to do a service on you and i have toilet paper sticking out....NICE
okay, that was humiliation #1....on for next one......brian and i are walking to sportsman grill for dinner last night......we walk from hospital. so, we have cicadas here in town. the 13 year ones....don't get me started. i have been jumpy for 3 weeks now.....they dive bomb you, sit there and stare at you, they trick you, they psyche you out....so, we are coming to it and outside they have these 2 or 3 huge trees.....well, they are all dead, squished, in multiple pieces on sidewalk...i am dodging those....can't imagine the faces as i pass. and they are everywhere.....flying all in and out of the trees......on the ground, leaving ground and going up into trees....sitting on the ground...by the hundreds....AND I HAVE TO GO THRU THIS TO GET TO THE RESTAURANT......again.....SERIOUSLY...guess so. there are some guys sitting on the patio...hell no! and i am swatting, yelping, screeching, jumping, and talking loudly to myself......nice!!!!!! that was awful!!!! that's all i gotta say....
so, NEXT.......we get back to the room and yes at dinner i didn't bring one cicada in there...i kept checking believe me.....guys are staring at me wondering what the heck is wrong with me. yes, all women right now.....it's our shining moment during the rein of the 13 year cicadas........great! so, back to topic. i want to take off my gladiator's (those are my shoes....steve madden and soooo comfortable for those of you that are interested) and i go to get my flip flops so i can go to the bathroom....get water.....etc....bc i am sooooo not touching that hospital floor.....NOPE forgot them. they are sitting i guess on my dirty clothes hamper waiting to be packed.......they are still waiting....now, my gladiators are a zip in the back and i don't like to do that afraid to where out the zipper....so they lace up in front so i not so nicely slip my feet in there and tie them...okay, this ain't gonna work......so, what's my only option....? hmmmmm the option is hospital grade yellow socks with white stickies on both sides so you don't slip!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY....yep! so embarrassing....of course..so i prayed i didn't have to pee last night. i made it til 6:15 am....pretty good...but i did have to put them on again bc marshall wouldn't wake up to peter (the pole) beeping...i kept yelling "marshall" "marshall" all i got was "uuuuu" i was like "your beeping...call the nurse" nothing but another one of those responses other than him hitting the side of his bed as if that is gonna quiet the beeping...so put my socks on to take three steps.....took me longer to put them on than it did to do my duty of calling the nurse. so, i have had the nurses be my slaves today. had to ask for coffee (just got my second one) and then last night a water refill.....i am not a sit on your tush and have others serve you....oh, and last night i could'nt pull out the bed. so i had to call our nurse. she laughed when she came in bc she got paged and they told her "yeah, she needs help with the bed" it was embarrassing...but to my credit she had a hard time with it. it was stuck......
today is sunny and bright.....dang.....it was at 6:15 am. i thought i slept in til 12.....nope...never gonna happen. we will see what today brings. i will stay home tonight but be here for his last night...and we will leave monday afternoon. it seems to be an ongoing party.......all the nurses come in and ask "did i miss the party" thankfully we tell them no....they give a sigh of relief. they sure love marshall and are gonna miss him, but he promises to visit.......
so, that is journal #2 i guess. we will see what the rest of this ends up looking like.
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