I haven't written in so long. There has been so much to say and then not enough. We have moved on, Marshall is living life like never before. He frustrates us at times but what teenager/young adult (depends how you wanna look at it) doesn't!!!! I am blessed for the frustration and will take it. It could be so much worse.
I have opened my heart, not all but mostly when we went thru all the chemo, surgery and stuff and i had a reason. Now, I feel as though I don't have an excuse. I haven't written for that reason, but as the days go by I am seeing the very need of that. And I want to find a place that parents can turn to for questions, support (mainly others telling you you are not crazy)
As a parent with a child with cancer, you put on a brave face, lean on your faith like crazy and move on and day by day you thank the Lord you made it. You put all thoughts unnecessary away because there is no room. You only have room for survival. So you survive with your children, hubby, life, weather, chemo, doctors, sickness, whatever the case may be. Anything else...gets put away for a later date.
Marshall finished in June, officially. Yes, he had radiation but he didn't count that so neither did i. What i will count is the after effects....but will or would i tell him....Hell no! You can't tell him anything. You have to be strong as the parent to the one with cancer and the others. if you break down in front of anyone then all chaos starts. You are the example to your kids how to react and take this on. The way you freak out or smile is how they are gonna do it. i had/have six other souls looking to me. no pressure!!!!!! Marshall is strong for us and we are strong for him. We don't talk about it really. I wish he would a little let me into that mind of his. I can only imagine a sliver of what he worries about on a day like today when you are awaiting your scan results. Our hearts and nerves are a mess...he is the one that has to live it either way.
So, we have had some time to get normal and settle down. No one warned us that's when the monster comes out to hit you when your not looking. I have lost my memory...heehee....the kids are always informing me "mom, i already told you, you already told me, i told you last night, you told me this morning".....shall i go on? then there is the lack of good sleep....but you have a family to deal with, work, chores, homework.....all the likes. but you can't stop you have to move on. then this little emotion called "crying" that will all of a sudden come out and bite you in the butt. Your talking about you child as a baby and how happy and smiley he was....and you have to stop talking about it.....REALLY! I can see if i am thinking of him not making it or something...but really? come on give me a break. then your hubby asks you what's wrong and you have to hold your finger up (to let him know you are trying to get your voice so it doesn't creak and croak with your throat that has seized up with the emotion so much it hurts) and so on and so on! Where is the bravery? Where is the strength that all these people told you you were? You can't fall apart in front of your kids. What would that tell them? I am a strong person. I am not saying that to be snooty or better than anyone, but with having to leave your family while 8 months pregnant with #2 and move to another state....it's been 16 years and it still hurts. I have always had to do things alone...i know i am babbling and have said this before...but i know that God prepared me for this.....I am ready and i can do it, but i think part of the realization is owning up to being human and needing help.
I can't let pride get in my way of getting help and learning to process all that happened last year. And that is all that it is.....It's a let-down....girls, you know what i mean (boys close your eyes for the next couple of lines) It's like nursing....when you have been out for too long or something and you are SOOO needing to nurse....it hurts....and it's about to burst...well, not really but work with me. and you cradle that ever so adorable, cuddly beebee and you know they are dying of thirst....but when you do.....you have that let-down!!!! that's what it is like.....i/we have built up all this emotion and put our feelings and emotions on the side.....well, it can't hold it any longer and it has to release.....but you fight it because you don't know what it is (bc in nursing terms..you are still out and not home yet) you think am i going mad? what is this? do other parents feel the same way? no, i am weird!
Nope, it's real and we are not weird or unstable people. We are parents that love our child and children so much that we put them first. now it's time for us to heal. I am going to work on that. I feel it's so important to help parents that will go thru this. We are not alone and so many work thru it just fine and others loose the battle and become bitter and self consumed. Everything God gives us is a blessing good or bad. At the end, no matter what amount of suffering that goes on here on earth......there is a reward. Heaven is that reward. So, we have to take it by the reins and lead the way. Patrick, # 3, received the Sacrament of Confirmation on Sunday. That gift of the Holy Spirit is so strong for this Sacrament. It actually helped me. As I was telling the kids, the way i did for Marshall when he was little (i promise i am not crying) that with this Sacrament you become a Soldier of Christ and with that you get the courage to fight and die for him if need be. It's that courage I needed to remind myself of. He is there and we are not alone and He will help us fight this battle and it will not consume us. I received that beautiful gift and I still have but I have to ask for it. No, I am not fighting a battle for my faith but I am fighting a battle and with the Holy Spirit I will win this battle.
I don't know why i decided to write about this and there is so much more i want and need to get out. Something is calling me and maybe it's part of my healing process. I used this when Marshall was going thru it and i stopped. I guess i just figured......it's not about me, it's about Marshall so why complain...but you know we are not the only ones and I think it's about time to figure this out and help other families. I want to speak with someone who has experience with Cancer. You have to go thru it to understand truly. Not saying you all don't count if you haven't but at this point in time...we have all been hit. Heck, i have my dad with Prostate Cancer, and my brother with CMLeukemia, newly diagnosed at the end of last year (2011) so, the Knoell's have been hit hard this year....i know many others have too. Those that have passed on, sudden ones, diagnosis, shall i go on? nope....not gonna...you get the point.
My phone is going crazy with all the praises......of Marshall's clean scans...we are so blessed with so many that pray and support us....it is precious friends and those I don't even know that keep me smiling and going. it's amazing what Marshall has done and all of those that have been brought in our lives because of this. It's what you make it, not what it makes of you!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
3 months have passed already
Today is
Marshall's 1st ever "3 Month Scans" I can't believe that 3 months has gone by
since I was a basket case with the news of Marshall not being in Remission....We
never even made it out of the starting gate....so, here we go......today begins
the rest of his precious life.I mean that in the sense that this is the
"regimen" for awhile. Every 3 months we will go in for scans to get the "all
clear" I am not complaining...it's all good. Better than every two weeks of
torture and caos. Every time I step into that hospital...there is a smell, and
I can even smell it right now! But when those doors open and it's a huge wind
of "the smell" it takes you right back.....the flood of memories and worries the
happiness, the tears, the frustration.....it's like it rides on the air trying
to escape inside. It grabs hold of you and doesn't let you go, til you walk
back out those doors.
So, we will wait for scans and again, my eyes will watch those coming and going....I will see and understand some of the emotions and be able to see thru some of the eyes that make contact with mine. You don't know them, but you feel like you do. Because you do in a way, you share many things...not all but many. You see the pain...especially when you face a parent that has lost a child. You feel guilty for your child being there. You don't want to laugh so hard at your goofy child bc it reminds them of their child. You know that they don't want you to stop living.....they probably live thru us now, but you do wonder and your always on edge (I am) I cry at everything that hurts now if I meet someone, a parent, a child, anyone......but at the same time, I miss everyone that I got to know at the hospital. You cling on to them for dear life for so long then boom their gone just like you are. Marshall goes up to the 6th floor whenever he is at the hospital, so that is good. The nurses love seeing him and it's good to see some life versus death you know. It reminds them of why they are doing this job that is so important to all the families that call the 6th floor home. They need to be reminded that many survive and couldn't have done it without them. Their dedication and love of these kids is what makes that floor work. Without them we would be in a world of hurt! The nurses at Vandy are so exceptional and they have done a great job picking out the best of the best for the 6th floor. Now, don't get me wrong..I am a little prejudice when it comes to the 6th floor......they took care of my baby!!!!! Man, do they miss Marshall. He brought so much life into that place!!!!! It was good for both sides I think while we were there. It was a great balance and healthy for each of us.
I still can't believe he is done. I am so thrilled for him. He looks so darn good and is moving along just great. He doesn't want to talk about Cancer or really have much to do with it. I don't know. It took me by surprise, but I can't blame to poor guy. I may not understand what he personally went thru but watching....I would want to run too.
So, here we are and what do we do? I feel like I should be doing something but I don't know what. I am working and it's going okay. I love it, but still trying to balance it with the family......I am still working out the bugs with school. I think we all need time to figure out what we want to do with this. How we want to live with this and how we want to support this. It has become my cause now. It's just a matter of how and when and what!!!!!
I am so blessed! I truly am.
So, we will wait for scans and again, my eyes will watch those coming and going....I will see and understand some of the emotions and be able to see thru some of the eyes that make contact with mine. You don't know them, but you feel like you do. Because you do in a way, you share many things...not all but many. You see the pain...especially when you face a parent that has lost a child. You feel guilty for your child being there. You don't want to laugh so hard at your goofy child bc it reminds them of their child. You know that they don't want you to stop living.....they probably live thru us now, but you do wonder and your always on edge (I am) I cry at everything that hurts now if I meet someone, a parent, a child, anyone......but at the same time, I miss everyone that I got to know at the hospital. You cling on to them for dear life for so long then boom their gone just like you are. Marshall goes up to the 6th floor whenever he is at the hospital, so that is good. The nurses love seeing him and it's good to see some life versus death you know. It reminds them of why they are doing this job that is so important to all the families that call the 6th floor home. They need to be reminded that many survive and couldn't have done it without them. Their dedication and love of these kids is what makes that floor work. Without them we would be in a world of hurt! The nurses at Vandy are so exceptional and they have done a great job picking out the best of the best for the 6th floor. Now, don't get me wrong..I am a little prejudice when it comes to the 6th floor......they took care of my baby!!!!! Man, do they miss Marshall. He brought so much life into that place!!!!! It was good for both sides I think while we were there. It was a great balance and healthy for each of us.
I still can't believe he is done. I am so thrilled for him. He looks so darn good and is moving along just great. He doesn't want to talk about Cancer or really have much to do with it. I don't know. It took me by surprise, but I can't blame to poor guy. I may not understand what he personally went thru but watching....I would want to run too.
So, here we are and what do we do? I feel like I should be doing something but I don't know what. I am working and it's going okay. I love it, but still trying to balance it with the family......I am still working out the bugs with school. I think we all need time to figure out what we want to do with this. How we want to live with this and how we want to support this. It has become my cause now. It's just a matter of how and when and what!!!!!
I am so blessed! I truly am.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The Uninvited Guest
Summer is over and school has begun...at least for one child...the one that went thru hell last school year. Marshall started school last Friday and was/is so excited. He is a new man! He finished his Radiation treatments on Monday before school started. So, he went in as a Senior in High School with nothing hanging over him. He was done, his hair is growing back, he is working out, he is working, he is driving and hanging with friends....he is "normal" now. I looked at him the other night and man...he looks good. I told him that he looked the same last year at this time....looking at him right now you could not tell how sick he became and wounded he felt.
It's a new beginning for all of us. We get to "start over" if only we could take back time and start over, but i wouldn't change it for the world. I am a better person bc of Marshall. I am a better mother (kinda) bc of Cancer. I am a more understanding wife bc of Marshall and Cancer. I am a better Catholic bc of Cancer brining me down to the lowest of possible thoughts of loosing a child. It makes you grasp onto life more, it makes you sensitive to what's important and what's stupid and not worth your time. It makes you realize all the money in the world will never be or suffice for a child in your arms or a child you can see and say "I love you, have a good day" It makes you realize all the things you fight for....not worth fighting that hard for and not gonna get you where you think you need to be.
Cancer is a family member and is at dinner every night. he did come to dinner and he is here to stay whether we like it or not. It was an uninvited guest, but one you can't say no to. You have to accept it, and make a place setting for him bc he is here to stay. He is involved in everything you talk about at dinner. He helps you make decisions on your next course of thinking, treatments, dealings with the other kids. It's a spoiled brat that wants and gets all the attention. You raise your kids to not be brats, and be respectful, then Cancer comes and he forces himself on you and you have to look at the other children and explain that you can't help it and that this needs immediate attention and you have to leave them to tend to the spoiled brat, Cancer. They don't always get their way, sometimes and most of the time we can silence them into odedience, but sometimes and you don't know when or where or who, but it will become defient and just let loose at the dinner table. You serve him meals and he doesn't like anything. he is very specific and only wants what he wants. He wants you to change everything you do. he doesn't like smells and makes you get creative just for him. And you do all this just for him, as the other children are looking at you in bewilderment wondering why they don't get to do this or eat that or stay up and never sleep......they look at you and bc we raised them right....they go back to their meal.
Cancer takes over the conversations. Sometimes you can put a masking tape around his mouth and forget he's there which gives us the chance to make fun of him and laugh at him and tell jokes and make fun of things he does. yes, that's bad...we are not to do that......but that is a fault of mine. If you barge in my house and make yourself known and you know i don't want you there....if i can get you quiet then i will take advantage and give myself some humor.
Right now, he has nothing to say. we shut him up real good right now. we don't talk about him much if we do it's quick and no biggie. it was as if he never showed up. he has accepted his fate as of now and will remain quiet. he knows that there is nothing he can do at the moment, but he just sits and watches.......he is waiting.....waiting for a chance for that tape to come off and he can release his fury on the family. I hope that we never give him an opportunity to loosen that tape. i pray we got it on good. he can stay as long as he behaves and does what he is told. he is a child and a very badly mannered one. He was never taught good manners and we are showing him a thing or two. He doesn't like it and fought a good fight, but he has given in and waved the white flag. I will never let my guard down as a mother. You know how children are....they test you every once in awhile to see if your paying attention and you always have to pay attention. never give up. even if your nursing your youngest and the one above is testing you, seeing if you will quit nursing the child that has been crying and starving....yep, you get up and take care of business.....you get so good at it you can do it all while still nursing and the above looses double bc your that damn good now!
See cancer didn't realize what family's door he knocked on. It was a very capable one. Yes, we can still cry and worry and be scared...we are not "The Incredibles" we are "The Billingsley's" but we always get up. We always finish what we must and we expect a lot of our children and they know that. yes, they are pain in the butts, but butts i love to death! I love pinching their butts.......so cute.....wish i still had those butts....hee-hee
Cancer is an univited guest that we have allowed to share his life with us, since there was nothing we could do to kick him out to the curb. I am thankful that he is quiet right now. he has reaked havoc in other homes and destroyed them. I more than willing to have him sit quietly. I will take that over the jumping on the table and destroying everything we hold dear. I will not have him disrupt my family if i can help it. I hope he never does that, but if he does we as a family will still be sitting at the dinner table and we together will grab hold and never let go. We will all have ropes that intertwine together we are all connected that rope if Our Lord. He will hold things together...it may be dumpy but we will do it together.
It's a new beginning for all of us. We get to "start over" if only we could take back time and start over, but i wouldn't change it for the world. I am a better person bc of Marshall. I am a better mother (kinda) bc of Cancer. I am a more understanding wife bc of Marshall and Cancer. I am a better Catholic bc of Cancer brining me down to the lowest of possible thoughts of loosing a child. It makes you grasp onto life more, it makes you sensitive to what's important and what's stupid and not worth your time. It makes you realize all the money in the world will never be or suffice for a child in your arms or a child you can see and say "I love you, have a good day" It makes you realize all the things you fight for....not worth fighting that hard for and not gonna get you where you think you need to be.
Cancer is a family member and is at dinner every night. he did come to dinner and he is here to stay whether we like it or not. It was an uninvited guest, but one you can't say no to. You have to accept it, and make a place setting for him bc he is here to stay. He is involved in everything you talk about at dinner. He helps you make decisions on your next course of thinking, treatments, dealings with the other kids. It's a spoiled brat that wants and gets all the attention. You raise your kids to not be brats, and be respectful, then Cancer comes and he forces himself on you and you have to look at the other children and explain that you can't help it and that this needs immediate attention and you have to leave them to tend to the spoiled brat, Cancer. They don't always get their way, sometimes and most of the time we can silence them into odedience, but sometimes and you don't know when or where or who, but it will become defient and just let loose at the dinner table. You serve him meals and he doesn't like anything. he is very specific and only wants what he wants. He wants you to change everything you do. he doesn't like smells and makes you get creative just for him. And you do all this just for him, as the other children are looking at you in bewilderment wondering why they don't get to do this or eat that or stay up and never sleep......they look at you and bc we raised them right....they go back to their meal.
Cancer takes over the conversations. Sometimes you can put a masking tape around his mouth and forget he's there which gives us the chance to make fun of him and laugh at him and tell jokes and make fun of things he does. yes, that's bad...we are not to do that......but that is a fault of mine. If you barge in my house and make yourself known and you know i don't want you there....if i can get you quiet then i will take advantage and give myself some humor.
Right now, he has nothing to say. we shut him up real good right now. we don't talk about him much if we do it's quick and no biggie. it was as if he never showed up. he has accepted his fate as of now and will remain quiet. he knows that there is nothing he can do at the moment, but he just sits and watches.......he is waiting.....waiting for a chance for that tape to come off and he can release his fury on the family. I hope that we never give him an opportunity to loosen that tape. i pray we got it on good. he can stay as long as he behaves and does what he is told. he is a child and a very badly mannered one. He was never taught good manners and we are showing him a thing or two. He doesn't like it and fought a good fight, but he has given in and waved the white flag. I will never let my guard down as a mother. You know how children are....they test you every once in awhile to see if your paying attention and you always have to pay attention. never give up. even if your nursing your youngest and the one above is testing you, seeing if you will quit nursing the child that has been crying and starving....yep, you get up and take care of business.....you get so good at it you can do it all while still nursing and the above looses double bc your that damn good now!
See cancer didn't realize what family's door he knocked on. It was a very capable one. Yes, we can still cry and worry and be scared...we are not "The Incredibles" we are "The Billingsley's" but we always get up. We always finish what we must and we expect a lot of our children and they know that. yes, they are pain in the butts, but butts i love to death! I love pinching their butts.......so cute.....wish i still had those butts....hee-hee
Cancer is an univited guest that we have allowed to share his life with us, since there was nothing we could do to kick him out to the curb. I am thankful that he is quiet right now. he has reaked havoc in other homes and destroyed them. I more than willing to have him sit quietly. I will take that over the jumping on the table and destroying everything we hold dear. I will not have him disrupt my family if i can help it. I hope he never does that, but if he does we as a family will still be sitting at the dinner table and we together will grab hold and never let go. We will all have ropes that intertwine together we are all connected that rope if Our Lord. He will hold things together...it may be dumpy but we will do it together.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Where are we now?
Here we are six weeks later.....where are we? I have to say....in a darn good place!!!!!!! I haven't written bc i was/am trying to digest it all, get back in the groove of life, kids, and work.....without the appointments and hospital stays and all. Man, it's quiet....i feel like i should be doing something....it's a good thing, but you do something scheduled every two weeks for 7 or so months and it becomes apart of your mental schedule you know.
June 13th, was a rough day for me. Heck, that week before was awful.....I really didn't handle the news well at all, and wish i was stronger than that. I don't know if it was me holding so much in that whole time before that I finally kinda broke......but the fear is justified, but i hated the weakness.
Anyway, that surgery that was supposed to be a piece of cake for an hour or hour and a half turned out to be 4 hours, a 4 incision, and three pairs of surgical hands up and down his right lung and no tumor. WOW!!!!! It's funny how the doctors and some others reacted to the news of no tumor. They wanted to immediately write it off to the scar tissue they found "in the vicinity" which was "square" not round. I was like "nope...I'm going for miracle" They would chuckle....or not know what to say. Now, not all of them, so don't get me wrong, but with the doctors it's like they want miracles to happen, but then when one does, they have to come up with something to explain it.
Here's my take on it.....
I personally believe that it was a Cancerous tumor! I believe God placed His hand on Marshall and gave him the Miracle of Life!!!!! Not kidding! I believe thru the intercession of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati he was given a miracle. Plain and simple as that for me. I believe that God took this tumor away that had been growing since the first scans in September from 4mm, 6mm, to 8mm. Why would God take away a benign tumor? Why waste the time...okay, He could, but would He? I don't think so...granted i don't mean to know what Our Lord did, but I don't think He would put Marshall thru all that for nothing. My mom made a comment after we heard the news of them not finding it and them having to go "physically" in him, that it would have been nice for the tumor to be gone before the surgery. I joked that God didn't get the memo.....so, the point is.....there was a reason for Marshall to go thru all that pain and torture again and add to the scars he already has...man, he is becoming a connect the dots, slices, and shark bites....LOL
Gosh, my thoughts are not coming in smoothly as i like them to when i write.....since i haven't written since the day of his surgery i haven't had to really sit down and think about it. and it still is emotional for me.......i think it always will be.
What can we take from Marshall's surgery? I think Faith!!!! We had/have to have faith to get thru this and continue to go thru it for the rest of our lives. God humbles us by putting us in our places.....who's in charge.......we control nothing. Miracle or not, Marshall was in God's hands and that scared the hell out of me i have to say. Now, he was always in His hands and still is, but i had to put my life completely in His hands too. My life was at steak, how was i gonna react, where would i put my faith, things like that. It really makes you think.....and realize where you are in your faith and are you like i say "talking the talking or walking the walk?" You can walk the walk and still be a basket case.....nobody said you have to do it with pom-poms cheering....okay, some are gifted with that...but me....i sure as heck wasn't.
it was easier to hear that Marshall had Cancer than it was to hear that your son has a tumor that been growing since the beginning and resisted chemo....and not knowing what it was.....
Marshall is back is all i gotta say!! His true smile, he always had it, but this is the real deal. His hair is growing and he has peach fuzz....love it. he is working out, working a little and so darn excited for school it isn't funny.
August 31st is when this journey began....the beginning....i can't believe it will have been a year. I remember the day when it all began like it was yesterday. i remember the call i got that afternoon telling me the X ray was abnormal and no idea, i remember meeting the next doctor, and his face for the results of the MRI, remember realizing we were being sent to an orthopedic surgical oncologist....i remember the call that changed our lives for ever. i remember knowing before the news and proof that our son had cancer. i remember Marshall diagnosing himself before too.
so, now......what am i going to take from all this? i am still processing it all. i think it is still settling in......Marshall is not done yet.....he is in the middle of his radiation treatments...so, i am still dealing with it a tad.....
i will take from this that faith is a powerful thing. if you don't have it, you won't get very far. we are such a small part of this big world and Our Lord's vision for the future. We have no control over what happens. Our children are gifts given to us parents to tend to, raise, and teach our faith and get them to Heaven. Death is something that shouldn't be feared, it is a step closer to our main purpose in life "to get to Heaven", our life is so temporary and short compared to Heaven. Children die everyday from Cancer, that children suffer everyday bc of Cancer. It's a whole new world that we live in now, with cancer being apart of it. i see a side i never knew before or cared to....to depressing. i have no choice now. i am surrounded by wonderful friends that have been affected by it and are still going thru it. you can't let it consume you....you will perish.....you have to put these precious souls in a special corner in your soul and pray for them daily.
i have especially taken away from all the the power of prayer!!!! i always have prayed and all, but to actually feel it.....never before!!!!! but never before did i need it so much. Brian and i literally would feel that power of prayer for us and the family. there is no way we could be where we are today without that!!!!!! we would have all broken a looooong time ago.
to me, all our prayer warriors are my heroes...i know Brian and Marshall feel the same way. we couldn't have done it without the Masses, Rosaries, prayers, offerings.......all of it. I will never forget my Grandma sending me a printout of all the convents, seminaries and such that were praying for Marshall.........hearing people tell me that Masses were said in other countries....friends/family lighting candles around the world for him.......i have to say....if your gonna get real sick.....nowadays is a good time bc of the technology.....you can let so many people know and pray for you.....that's huge!!!!!
i am proud of my son and how he never wavered from the goal. he always kept his faith and was prepared. he was/is a grand example of carrying a cross. i am so proud to be his mother and i am so unworthy to be his mother at the same time.
yep, i am still processing it all......
as a family, hmmmmm don't know...just got in the groove and got out of it just the same.....we had a great trip to the beach. we didn't worry about a thing...well, Marshall pulled a muscle (round his biopsy on his right side of his lung) so worried for a couple of days...but it turned out that he just had to sit it out for a day and a half and then was able to enjoy himself and get his "tan" on. it was the best family trip we have ever had........it was perfect......wish it could have lasted longer but at least we got one in!!!!!
our dinners are back to normal now. Marshall is not getting up and throwing up, or not eating or not feeling good or not sleeping.....our faces are not drawn with worry or exhaustion. we laugh alot!!!!!! we did all year too, but now the burden is lifted and the true joy is heard in our laughter around the table. we don't talk of cancer at the table anymore. we are "us" again.
i love my family so much and they are all precious little/big souls running around here.......they all have a path they must go thru and we don't know what that is yet. they are all in Our Lord's loving hands and i have to put myself there too. He loves us and doesn't want us to suffer....but sometimes it is allowed for reasons unknown to us. it's not up to us anyway. Only Our Lord knows....and that's His business and not ours. He sees the bigger picture we see a "dot" on the picture...not even that. i know souls came back to their faith bc of Marshall, souls became stronger in their faith bc of Marshall, and souls got to Heaven bc of Marshall. All his suffering was not wasted......granted, i would have not chosen him to suffer like this, but God knows what He is doing and Marshall is one heck of a young man! He is changed forever. He will never be the same. He knows what precious and that is life! He knows what suffering is and embraced it. He knows he couldn't do this alone and walked with Our Lord. He knows nothing is guaranteed and accepted it.
He knows he will never be done. He knows that every 3 months he will have to get scans.....and see if it has come back.....we will hold our breath every three months and pray for acceptance of God's will no matter what..either way. Many have to do that now. Our good friend Ashley.....her Ewing's Sarcoma came back in three months....so, they are living that reality right now. they are in the thick of it, but they are strong and hold to their faith! God has a plan for everyone. I remember when Marshall was going thru it.....us not knowing what the tumor was. i was looking at those that were fine.....and for the first time i started asking "why" i started to look at those past and present........and wonder......i made myself shutdown the "why" it's not for me to ask. it's for me to accept no matter what the outcome. now, i am the one that is fine.....and they are not.....how could i have been so weak......we don't know the future......we can't settle on giving up. you can't give up. you have to fight and fight with your faith!
every breath is a gift. every thought is a gift. every day is a gift. everyday we are given the chance to offer up our day, our Masses, our Rosaries for someone who is in the battle of their life. We are so blessed we forget how so many are suffering...and it's all relative.....we bicker about the traffic....shoot, at least we are there to bicker.....too hot outside....at least we can go outside. so many things we waste our breath on......and we miss so much opportunity on ourselves that we forget about those that really need our prayers our support and our love. i am guilty as charged.....i find myself doing that and i have to remind myself....it doesn't take long to remember my son! we forget the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus went thru......how could we forget that...and He did that for us! if He did that for us......what wouldn't He do for us now?
June 13th, was a rough day for me. Heck, that week before was awful.....I really didn't handle the news well at all, and wish i was stronger than that. I don't know if it was me holding so much in that whole time before that I finally kinda broke......but the fear is justified, but i hated the weakness.
Anyway, that surgery that was supposed to be a piece of cake for an hour or hour and a half turned out to be 4 hours, a 4 incision, and three pairs of surgical hands up and down his right lung and no tumor. WOW!!!!! It's funny how the doctors and some others reacted to the news of no tumor. They wanted to immediately write it off to the scar tissue they found "in the vicinity" which was "square" not round. I was like "nope...I'm going for miracle" They would chuckle....or not know what to say. Now, not all of them, so don't get me wrong, but with the doctors it's like they want miracles to happen, but then when one does, they have to come up with something to explain it.
Here's my take on it.....
I personally believe that it was a Cancerous tumor! I believe God placed His hand on Marshall and gave him the Miracle of Life!!!!! Not kidding! I believe thru the intercession of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati he was given a miracle. Plain and simple as that for me. I believe that God took this tumor away that had been growing since the first scans in September from 4mm, 6mm, to 8mm. Why would God take away a benign tumor? Why waste the time...okay, He could, but would He? I don't think so...granted i don't mean to know what Our Lord did, but I don't think He would put Marshall thru all that for nothing. My mom made a comment after we heard the news of them not finding it and them having to go "physically" in him, that it would have been nice for the tumor to be gone before the surgery. I joked that God didn't get the memo.....so, the point is.....there was a reason for Marshall to go thru all that pain and torture again and add to the scars he already has...man, he is becoming a connect the dots, slices, and shark bites....LOL
Gosh, my thoughts are not coming in smoothly as i like them to when i write.....since i haven't written since the day of his surgery i haven't had to really sit down and think about it. and it still is emotional for me.......i think it always will be.
What can we take from Marshall's surgery? I think Faith!!!! We had/have to have faith to get thru this and continue to go thru it for the rest of our lives. God humbles us by putting us in our places.....who's in charge.......we control nothing. Miracle or not, Marshall was in God's hands and that scared the hell out of me i have to say. Now, he was always in His hands and still is, but i had to put my life completely in His hands too. My life was at steak, how was i gonna react, where would i put my faith, things like that. It really makes you think.....and realize where you are in your faith and are you like i say "talking the talking or walking the walk?" You can walk the walk and still be a basket case.....nobody said you have to do it with pom-poms cheering....okay, some are gifted with that...but me....i sure as heck wasn't.
it was easier to hear that Marshall had Cancer than it was to hear that your son has a tumor that been growing since the beginning and resisted chemo....and not knowing what it was.....
Marshall is back is all i gotta say!! His true smile, he always had it, but this is the real deal. His hair is growing and he has peach fuzz....love it. he is working out, working a little and so darn excited for school it isn't funny.
August 31st is when this journey began....the beginning....i can't believe it will have been a year. I remember the day when it all began like it was yesterday. i remember the call i got that afternoon telling me the X ray was abnormal and no idea, i remember meeting the next doctor, and his face for the results of the MRI, remember realizing we were being sent to an orthopedic surgical oncologist....i remember the call that changed our lives for ever. i remember knowing before the news and proof that our son had cancer. i remember Marshall diagnosing himself before too.
so, now......what am i going to take from all this? i am still processing it all. i think it is still settling in......Marshall is not done yet.....he is in the middle of his radiation treatments...so, i am still dealing with it a tad.....
i will take from this that faith is a powerful thing. if you don't have it, you won't get very far. we are such a small part of this big world and Our Lord's vision for the future. We have no control over what happens. Our children are gifts given to us parents to tend to, raise, and teach our faith and get them to Heaven. Death is something that shouldn't be feared, it is a step closer to our main purpose in life "to get to Heaven", our life is so temporary and short compared to Heaven. Children die everyday from Cancer, that children suffer everyday bc of Cancer. It's a whole new world that we live in now, with cancer being apart of it. i see a side i never knew before or cared to....to depressing. i have no choice now. i am surrounded by wonderful friends that have been affected by it and are still going thru it. you can't let it consume you....you will perish.....you have to put these precious souls in a special corner in your soul and pray for them daily.
i have especially taken away from all the the power of prayer!!!! i always have prayed and all, but to actually feel it.....never before!!!!! but never before did i need it so much. Brian and i literally would feel that power of prayer for us and the family. there is no way we could be where we are today without that!!!!!! we would have all broken a looooong time ago.
to me, all our prayer warriors are my heroes...i know Brian and Marshall feel the same way. we couldn't have done it without the Masses, Rosaries, prayers, offerings.......all of it. I will never forget my Grandma sending me a printout of all the convents, seminaries and such that were praying for Marshall.........hearing people tell me that Masses were said in other countries....friends/family lighting candles around the world for him.......i have to say....if your gonna get real sick.....nowadays is a good time bc of the technology.....you can let so many people know and pray for you.....that's huge!!!!!
i am proud of my son and how he never wavered from the goal. he always kept his faith and was prepared. he was/is a grand example of carrying a cross. i am so proud to be his mother and i am so unworthy to be his mother at the same time.
yep, i am still processing it all......
as a family, hmmmmm don't know...just got in the groove and got out of it just the same.....we had a great trip to the beach. we didn't worry about a thing...well, Marshall pulled a muscle (round his biopsy on his right side of his lung) so worried for a couple of days...but it turned out that he just had to sit it out for a day and a half and then was able to enjoy himself and get his "tan" on. it was the best family trip we have ever had........it was perfect......wish it could have lasted longer but at least we got one in!!!!!
our dinners are back to normal now. Marshall is not getting up and throwing up, or not eating or not feeling good or not sleeping.....our faces are not drawn with worry or exhaustion. we laugh alot!!!!!! we did all year too, but now the burden is lifted and the true joy is heard in our laughter around the table. we don't talk of cancer at the table anymore. we are "us" again.
i love my family so much and they are all precious little/big souls running around here.......they all have a path they must go thru and we don't know what that is yet. they are all in Our Lord's loving hands and i have to put myself there too. He loves us and doesn't want us to suffer....but sometimes it is allowed for reasons unknown to us. it's not up to us anyway. Only Our Lord knows....and that's His business and not ours. He sees the bigger picture we see a "dot" on the picture...not even that. i know souls came back to their faith bc of Marshall, souls became stronger in their faith bc of Marshall, and souls got to Heaven bc of Marshall. All his suffering was not wasted......granted, i would have not chosen him to suffer like this, but God knows what He is doing and Marshall is one heck of a young man! He is changed forever. He will never be the same. He knows what precious and that is life! He knows what suffering is and embraced it. He knows he couldn't do this alone and walked with Our Lord. He knows nothing is guaranteed and accepted it.
He knows he will never be done. He knows that every 3 months he will have to get scans.....and see if it has come back.....we will hold our breath every three months and pray for acceptance of God's will no matter what..either way. Many have to do that now. Our good friend Ashley.....her Ewing's Sarcoma came back in three months....so, they are living that reality right now. they are in the thick of it, but they are strong and hold to their faith! God has a plan for everyone. I remember when Marshall was going thru it.....us not knowing what the tumor was. i was looking at those that were fine.....and for the first time i started asking "why" i started to look at those past and present........and wonder......i made myself shutdown the "why" it's not for me to ask. it's for me to accept no matter what the outcome. now, i am the one that is fine.....and they are not.....how could i have been so weak......we don't know the future......we can't settle on giving up. you can't give up. you have to fight and fight with your faith!
every breath is a gift. every thought is a gift. every day is a gift. everyday we are given the chance to offer up our day, our Masses, our Rosaries for someone who is in the battle of their life. We are so blessed we forget how so many are suffering...and it's all relative.....we bicker about the traffic....shoot, at least we are there to bicker.....too hot outside....at least we can go outside. so many things we waste our breath on......and we miss so much opportunity on ourselves that we forget about those that really need our prayers our support and our love. i am guilty as charged.....i find myself doing that and i have to remind myself....it doesn't take long to remember my son! we forget the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus went thru......how could we forget that...and He did that for us! if He did that for us......what wouldn't He do for us now?
Monday, June 13, 2011
He's got this!!!!!
Here I am...up for the day and wondering what it will have in store for us. Marshall goes in today at 12:30. we have to be there at 10:30. We will wait, get called back, wait some more, answer questions for the millionth time, meet the doctors that will have our son in their hands, leave and wait in the huge room with other families having a child in surgery. then they will update us and tell us to wait in a room for the surgeon to come and talk to us.
Right there!!!! that is when my heart is going to stop. i keep envisioning what he will say, what the news will be and how i will walk out of that room.....which one is it? i do not know. what is Our Lord asking of Marshall, me, and Brian. i do not know. how will my life, our lives be different? i do not know. we can do this. Marshall has this. Please God let this be true!!!!!
I was very emotional yesterday (sunday) i had finally chilled and got it all digested by friday. but it was the feast of Pentecost at Mass......i was like....great, of course it is. don't get me wrong.......i just knew the tears would be a flowing.......i did good......held off til communion...on and off earlier but got them to remain in my eyes......we got asked to bring up the gifts. i thought it was ironic that the last time marshall went into surgery we got asked. it was a sunday and he was going in on a monday.......of course i remind the kids to genuflect after handing the gifts to Father and sean didn't get the memo.....he turned left to head back to the pew, and colin and genuflected and sean trips over his leg....of course i kinda grab him and i am kinda laughing, trying not to........bc we are in Mass.......gotta love a big family and it's ups and downs...literally.
i woke up yesterday emotional again i think bc the surgery was tomorrow so i had to think about it. have to pack and plan.......my work gave me a card via brian yesterday afternoon and said that they loved and supported me and have a surprise visitor for me...can i guess who? well, brian said brook contacted him......so, i thought her brother from "little big town" i ran out of the room and told the kids...clean up, clean up we have a visitor coming...they asked who and i said i don't know but maybe....blah, blah blah......had to fake it in the areas they would possibly be coming....ran down and told marshall and his girlfriend......
i went up to bed and rested looking at every car wondering when he would come. i ended up falling asleep and someone said their here!!!!! i jump up and see our friend's car.......kinda registered kinda not.....they were bringing us dinner so i went to the bathroom, powdered my nose...and came out of the room and saw our friend. he told me to go downstairs and had a surprise.......it was down there....i go down, still extremely sleepy and fuzzy.....and brian shows me the basketball all signed.....i was like ok......still don't know about the ball forgot. so catherine tells me by the way you know your pink dress? so eighties prom like......hot pink and poofy!!!! yeah baby!!!! i said yes. she said will it got ripped the kids were playing and ripped it......i said ok lets see how bad...something like that......thank goodness i was still half asleep and people were around i would have killed a few peoples........so i go in and there in the closet my mom jumps up and down....SURPRISE.....i was silent....like not breathing.......i hugged her so hard and cried and cried......wow!!!!! that was incredible....and still in shock....
we had a great dinner as a family. marshall wanted steak and crab legs...and that's what he got from our friends......i had a great steak and sweet potatoe, salad......yummmmmmmmmm we all feasted!!!!!
so here we are today and i must run...it's late and i have to pack, get ready and go to work for 1 client then heading to the hospital...........
my heart hurts, and it's been beating nonstop.....alllllll night. kept dreaming of i have no clue.........tossed and turned....today is the day!!!!!! bring it on.......and let's see how it ends up.
Our Lord be with my son, and this family! Blessed Mother hold my son while the surgeons are working on him. Angels and Saints guide and protect my son and all those that will be assisting in marshall's surgery!
Right there!!!! that is when my heart is going to stop. i keep envisioning what he will say, what the news will be and how i will walk out of that room.....which one is it? i do not know. what is Our Lord asking of Marshall, me, and Brian. i do not know. how will my life, our lives be different? i do not know. we can do this. Marshall has this. Please God let this be true!!!!!
I was very emotional yesterday (sunday) i had finally chilled and got it all digested by friday. but it was the feast of Pentecost at Mass......i was like....great, of course it is. don't get me wrong.......i just knew the tears would be a flowing.......i did good......held off til communion...on and off earlier but got them to remain in my eyes......we got asked to bring up the gifts. i thought it was ironic that the last time marshall went into surgery we got asked. it was a sunday and he was going in on a monday.......of course i remind the kids to genuflect after handing the gifts to Father and sean didn't get the memo.....he turned left to head back to the pew, and colin and genuflected and sean trips over his leg....of course i kinda grab him and i am kinda laughing, trying not to........bc we are in Mass.......gotta love a big family and it's ups and downs...literally.
i woke up yesterday emotional again i think bc the surgery was tomorrow so i had to think about it. have to pack and plan.......my work gave me a card via brian yesterday afternoon and said that they loved and supported me and have a surprise visitor for me...can i guess who? well, brian said brook contacted him......so, i thought her brother from "little big town" i ran out of the room and told the kids...clean up, clean up we have a visitor coming...they asked who and i said i don't know but maybe....blah, blah blah......had to fake it in the areas they would possibly be coming....ran down and told marshall and his girlfriend......
i went up to bed and rested looking at every car wondering when he would come. i ended up falling asleep and someone said their here!!!!! i jump up and see our friend's car.......kinda registered kinda not.....they were bringing us dinner so i went to the bathroom, powdered my nose...and came out of the room and saw our friend. he told me to go downstairs and had a surprise.......it was down there....i go down, still extremely sleepy and fuzzy.....and brian shows me the basketball all signed.....i was like ok......still don't know about the ball forgot. so catherine tells me by the way you know your pink dress? so eighties prom like......hot pink and poofy!!!! yeah baby!!!! i said yes. she said will it got ripped the kids were playing and ripped it......i said ok lets see how bad...something like that......thank goodness i was still half asleep and people were around i would have killed a few peoples........so i go in and there in the closet my mom jumps up and down....SURPRISE.....i was silent....like not breathing.......i hugged her so hard and cried and cried......wow!!!!! that was incredible....and still in shock....
we had a great dinner as a family. marshall wanted steak and crab legs...and that's what he got from our friends......i had a great steak and sweet potatoe, salad......yummmmmmmmmm we all feasted!!!!!
so here we are today and i must run...it's late and i have to pack, get ready and go to work for 1 client then heading to the hospital...........
my heart hurts, and it's been beating nonstop.....alllllll night. kept dreaming of i have no clue.........tossed and turned....today is the day!!!!!! bring it on.......and let's see how it ends up.
Our Lord be with my son, and this family! Blessed Mother hold my son while the surgeons are working on him. Angels and Saints guide and protect my son and all those that will be assisting in marshall's surgery!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
deflated
I went to work yesterday hoping to get a call and tell me the words "remission" it's what every parent wants to hear and expects it.....My 10 am client had to move to 12 pm. i was mad, bc i had just walked into work and had 2 hours to do nothing, about 10 minutes later marshall's oncologist called. He apologised for not calling last night, i never expected it......and went on to tell me that they didn't have all the official results/reports from the PET and the MRI, but looked okay, and that the bone was good, but........silence......and he went on about a nodule/tumor that has been there since the beginning and they have been watching it....well, it did grow. so, we don't know what it is. and only way to tell is surgery. my heart sunk........a couple of friends have been using the term "deflated" yep.....i was like an accordian releasing all the air.....but i handled myself really well on the phone with him. said we were gonna come up with a game plan, and have some options, but we will get together tomorrow (today...now) and all sit and talk, go over the scans and figure out what we are gonna do.
when i called brian to tell him, it hit me then as i broke down and when i was telling him, i was realizing the possiblity that sure it can be just an infection and no biggie or something much greater with stakes i don't even want to think about......so, i let brian know, then i called mom.....darn it...think the whole building heard me balling.....i couldn't contain it......i guess when you talk to your mom that's what happens. she holds you and takes care of you and need her....this was over the phone of course.....felt bad for my mom....she couldn't do a thing...then she told me to call dad that he would like to hear it from me....so i called and i told him.....
i tried to stay at work, it was creeping up to 12 pm and my clients were adding up........i was gonna try, but i kept crying.....and bless my co-workers they would come in and give me a hug, and of course i would cry allllll over again....my eyes hurt, my cheeks hurt, my heart hurt......
i left work and brian and i met somewhere to see eachother and wait for marshall to get home to tell him. he took it so well......i wish i could be strong like him. i really do. there is nothing we can do, praise God it's operable.....so there is hope......it's just another waiting game to see what it is. and it's probably nothing, but as a parent you remember what the doctors told you in the beginning about how aggressive this cancer is and it coming back....well, shoot whatever this is never left...so your mind starts wondering and it's so stinking human....darn it!!! now, i don't break down in front of him. i fell apart all day long behind the scenes.
yesterday, was the first time that the word "why" came in my head, but i told it to go away.....but it's creeping in my head....i can't....i can't....i can't......i have come this far, we have been taken care of and will continue to....but let me tell you. this is the most scared i have been thru all of this. i am absolutely terrified........my heart won't stop beating fast, my mind won't turn off the possiblities...i want answers, i want to sleep again.....i want to scream...i want to grab marshall and run...run...run....as far away as i can and get away from all this. i want to take him to a safe place and just hold him.......he's my child, my husband's son, he's his siblings brother......etc......he is loved by so many and prayed for by millions.....
Our Lord will be with marshall, brian, the kids and me as we yet again walk thru another door with unknown certainties for just a little bit. i will be patient.....yeah right! i just thought we were done.....simple as that.....well, this flat tire is gonna go meet with the doctors......until later! pray for us
when i called brian to tell him, it hit me then as i broke down and when i was telling him, i was realizing the possiblity that sure it can be just an infection and no biggie or something much greater with stakes i don't even want to think about......so, i let brian know, then i called mom.....darn it...think the whole building heard me balling.....i couldn't contain it......i guess when you talk to your mom that's what happens. she holds you and takes care of you and need her....this was over the phone of course.....felt bad for my mom....she couldn't do a thing...then she told me to call dad that he would like to hear it from me....so i called and i told him.....
i tried to stay at work, it was creeping up to 12 pm and my clients were adding up........i was gonna try, but i kept crying.....and bless my co-workers they would come in and give me a hug, and of course i would cry allllll over again....my eyes hurt, my cheeks hurt, my heart hurt......
i left work and brian and i met somewhere to see eachother and wait for marshall to get home to tell him. he took it so well......i wish i could be strong like him. i really do. there is nothing we can do, praise God it's operable.....so there is hope......it's just another waiting game to see what it is. and it's probably nothing, but as a parent you remember what the doctors told you in the beginning about how aggressive this cancer is and it coming back....well, shoot whatever this is never left...so your mind starts wondering and it's so stinking human....darn it!!! now, i don't break down in front of him. i fell apart all day long behind the scenes.
yesterday, was the first time that the word "why" came in my head, but i told it to go away.....but it's creeping in my head....i can't....i can't....i can't......i have come this far, we have been taken care of and will continue to....but let me tell you. this is the most scared i have been thru all of this. i am absolutely terrified........my heart won't stop beating fast, my mind won't turn off the possiblities...i want answers, i want to sleep again.....i want to scream...i want to grab marshall and run...run...run....as far away as i can and get away from all this. i want to take him to a safe place and just hold him.......he's my child, my husband's son, he's his siblings brother......etc......he is loved by so many and prayed for by millions.....
Our Lord will be with marshall, brian, the kids and me as we yet again walk thru another door with unknown certainties for just a little bit. i will be patient.....yeah right! i just thought we were done.....simple as that.....well, this flat tire is gonna go meet with the doctors......until later! pray for us
Monday, May 30, 2011
This is it....for now #4
i am up....don't know how....i guess all us mom's just are able to do things we really don't want to do. Marshall is falling back asleep. it is 9:35 am on Monday morning and marshall's chemo is done, and he is so close to being unhooked from "peter" forever....hopefully! marshall got his last chemo last night around 12ish in the morning and then at 3:30 am the nurses came in and were counting down the last milliliters.....it was hilarious....they wanted to do a normal countdown 9...8..7.....but it had to like this 7.................................6 (nope).....................6.....................................................................................5......(not yet)............
it was so funny....and the last drop finished at 3:36 am!!!! man...what a word. DONE!
i am not as emotional now. i have gotten better since yesterday. i think i have come to terms with what this all means and is. for me it's always hard in the beginning but then i give it time to sink in and i am ready to go. i can do this!!!! i so can do this!!!!
I won't let the unknown waste my life away. i will continue to pray and have faith that Our Lord is with Marshall. i know He is, but it is still scary.
we have reached the end and a new beginning. as marshall gets up, showers, gets dressed, unhooks, and walks out of here....these steps are steps that have never been taken by this family. we started this as a family and we will walk this as a family.
I want to thank the Blessed Mother for being with me during these trying times on me. as a mother of a large ( i guess....kinda small to me) family, settling into working for the first time in years and taking care of marshall, you were there. i felt you daily, hourly, every minute and second. you never changed the image i have of you in my head as i had of you when i first moved here and cried my heart out for my mom that i missed terribly and still do.
thinking about that....hmmmmm. i have always done things alone in my family. it's funny, you can be the oldest of 11 kids but still do everything by yourself. i walked across the desert by myself in kindergarten to wait at the bus stop. i was the first to graduate, i went to trivium a school in Massachusetts for my junior and senior year in high school.....by myself...i crossed the country three times a year doing that all by myself with those big planes, and bigger airports......i went to college (now that's no biggie) but i was alone living in nashville, not knowing a soul or the family i roomed with while there....man, did that change....LOL
i was the first to move away permanently......let me tell you....being 8 months pregnant with your second child and leaving your family to move to where your husband is from way, way, way far away......ugh......i will never forget that pain that i felt. i still have some of that pain bc i miss so much at home. all the nieces and nephews, parties, sacraments......weddings.......all that....anyway, that is not the point here, i am getting off topic, but i did it first and alone in a sense of not having my family with me. i did have my husband and my marshall in the backseat, but brian was happy.....i wasn't....lol! so i consider it "alone" for the point. i always wondered why i did everything alone, and all. my other siblings always had one or two other siblings with them at trivium for their high school years...so they had someone to fly with, stay with and a family member to talk to. i remember my first year at trivium. i racked up mom and dad's phone bill to over $300.00 i think...or more. in those days long distance wasn't free.......we didn't have cell phones....then either...gosh, i am talking about the "good ole days"
i wonder if my journeys that i took "alone" with no one to be there with me, were in a sense a guide and setting for this right now. the unknowns of this cancer with marshall and never experiencing it before...i didn't know, like i didn't know what was to come when i did all i did growing up alone. i was the "setter" for the whole family....not that anyone is going to follow in my footsteps...well, let's hope not!!!!!! this is one pack i don't want to be the leader of....that's for sure!!!! i would rather it happen to me than anyone else.....let's keep it this way.
granted i am a whiner and am so not perfect. brian has been so strong thru this. he too was being prepared for this journey also. i really believe that. he was like me as he had to do somethings....by himself....also, brian is fearless...he has been such an inspiration to me. he held my hand when i needed it, he held me tight when i needed it, he soothed me when i needed it......he also massaged my feet when i begged..... :0)
no matter what i do, or what happens from now on....i will remember to always think of others. i will not talk only about myself, and my sorrows, i will take time to see that others need an ear. i know i have been one of those many times thru this. where it's all i talk about......you gotta get it out somehow and a friend or family's ear is so nice to have. although i hated using them.......i hated complaining, but there came times where i just had to. i held it in so long. or you try not to let it bug you but it just doesn't work.
marshall did it. i can't believe it!!!! yes, i can, but i can't believe it's over.......of course, everytime i say it's over...i hear a voice in my head say "it never will be, but i know what you mean" great...now i am hearing voices and they are talking back to me.....LOL
cheers to marshall for being such an inspiration to so many. cheers to all those that have continued to keep him and us in their prayers, Masses, petitions. cheers to those nurses that took such good care of marshall, cheers to the doctors that did all they could and listened when we cried, yelled and misunderstood or had no understanding. cheers to my husband for doing this together and being my rock. cheers to catherine for being mom so many days and nights while we were in the hospital. cheers to all my kids for helping out and doing what you were told (MOST OF THE TIME). cheers to all those that put up with my parent's chemo brain of a child's chemo brain for all the misreading, misunderstanding, totally dropping the ball, just flat out forgetting... cheers to the many people/friends/family for meals, babysitting, driving, picking up, gift cards, etc.....we could not have done it without you all.
words could and can never express the gratitude we feel. it is so humbling. there is so much to be thankful for. the list goes on and on!!!!! i am going to remember (not always) to be thankful, look at the bright side....things could be so much worse, don't dwell on the 'why' just embrace and move on, laugh, love, and remember Our Lord is tending to His flock....He always will. so no matter what, we are in God's hands. we all have a story to tell. it's up to us how we are gonna tell it. how we are gonna live it. i get chances everyday and minute on how i am gonna tell my story. am i gonna do it with a smile and hope or bring them down and feel sorry for me. marshall is an inspiration as to how to embrace this huge cross that was given to him. always with a smile, while laughing and making a joke of it, but serious when need be. he never lost his faith, always had hope and shared his love!
very soon we will walk out of this room, this floor, and those elevators......
it was so funny....and the last drop finished at 3:36 am!!!! man...what a word. DONE!
i am not as emotional now. i have gotten better since yesterday. i think i have come to terms with what this all means and is. for me it's always hard in the beginning but then i give it time to sink in and i am ready to go. i can do this!!!! i so can do this!!!!
I won't let the unknown waste my life away. i will continue to pray and have faith that Our Lord is with Marshall. i know He is, but it is still scary.
we have reached the end and a new beginning. as marshall gets up, showers, gets dressed, unhooks, and walks out of here....these steps are steps that have never been taken by this family. we started this as a family and we will walk this as a family.
I want to thank the Blessed Mother for being with me during these trying times on me. as a mother of a large ( i guess....kinda small to me) family, settling into working for the first time in years and taking care of marshall, you were there. i felt you daily, hourly, every minute and second. you never changed the image i have of you in my head as i had of you when i first moved here and cried my heart out for my mom that i missed terribly and still do.
thinking about that....hmmmmm. i have always done things alone in my family. it's funny, you can be the oldest of 11 kids but still do everything by yourself. i walked across the desert by myself in kindergarten to wait at the bus stop. i was the first to graduate, i went to trivium a school in Massachusetts for my junior and senior year in high school.....by myself...i crossed the country three times a year doing that all by myself with those big planes, and bigger airports......i went to college (now that's no biggie) but i was alone living in nashville, not knowing a soul or the family i roomed with while there....man, did that change....LOL
i was the first to move away permanently......let me tell you....being 8 months pregnant with your second child and leaving your family to move to where your husband is from way, way, way far away......ugh......i will never forget that pain that i felt. i still have some of that pain bc i miss so much at home. all the nieces and nephews, parties, sacraments......weddings.......all that....anyway, that is not the point here, i am getting off topic, but i did it first and alone in a sense of not having my family with me. i did have my husband and my marshall in the backseat, but brian was happy.....i wasn't....lol! so i consider it "alone" for the point. i always wondered why i did everything alone, and all. my other siblings always had one or two other siblings with them at trivium for their high school years...so they had someone to fly with, stay with and a family member to talk to. i remember my first year at trivium. i racked up mom and dad's phone bill to over $300.00 i think...or more. in those days long distance wasn't free.......we didn't have cell phones....then either...gosh, i am talking about the "good ole days"
i wonder if my journeys that i took "alone" with no one to be there with me, were in a sense a guide and setting for this right now. the unknowns of this cancer with marshall and never experiencing it before...i didn't know, like i didn't know what was to come when i did all i did growing up alone. i was the "setter" for the whole family....not that anyone is going to follow in my footsteps...well, let's hope not!!!!!! this is one pack i don't want to be the leader of....that's for sure!!!! i would rather it happen to me than anyone else.....let's keep it this way.
granted i am a whiner and am so not perfect. brian has been so strong thru this. he too was being prepared for this journey also. i really believe that. he was like me as he had to do somethings....by himself....also, brian is fearless...he has been such an inspiration to me. he held my hand when i needed it, he held me tight when i needed it, he soothed me when i needed it......he also massaged my feet when i begged..... :0)
no matter what i do, or what happens from now on....i will remember to always think of others. i will not talk only about myself, and my sorrows, i will take time to see that others need an ear. i know i have been one of those many times thru this. where it's all i talk about......you gotta get it out somehow and a friend or family's ear is so nice to have. although i hated using them.......i hated complaining, but there came times where i just had to. i held it in so long. or you try not to let it bug you but it just doesn't work.
marshall did it. i can't believe it!!!! yes, i can, but i can't believe it's over.......of course, everytime i say it's over...i hear a voice in my head say "it never will be, but i know what you mean" great...now i am hearing voices and they are talking back to me.....LOL
cheers to marshall for being such an inspiration to so many. cheers to all those that have continued to keep him and us in their prayers, Masses, petitions. cheers to those nurses that took such good care of marshall, cheers to the doctors that did all they could and listened when we cried, yelled and misunderstood or had no understanding. cheers to my husband for doing this together and being my rock. cheers to catherine for being mom so many days and nights while we were in the hospital. cheers to all my kids for helping out and doing what you were told (MOST OF THE TIME). cheers to all those that put up with my parent's chemo brain of a child's chemo brain for all the misreading, misunderstanding, totally dropping the ball, just flat out forgetting... cheers to the many people/friends/family for meals, babysitting, driving, picking up, gift cards, etc.....we could not have done it without you all.
words could and can never express the gratitude we feel. it is so humbling. there is so much to be thankful for. the list goes on and on!!!!! i am going to remember (not always) to be thankful, look at the bright side....things could be so much worse, don't dwell on the 'why' just embrace and move on, laugh, love, and remember Our Lord is tending to His flock....He always will. so no matter what, we are in God's hands. we all have a story to tell. it's up to us how we are gonna tell it. how we are gonna live it. i get chances everyday and minute on how i am gonna tell my story. am i gonna do it with a smile and hope or bring them down and feel sorry for me. marshall is an inspiration as to how to embrace this huge cross that was given to him. always with a smile, while laughing and making a joke of it, but serious when need be. he never lost his faith, always had hope and shared his love!
very soon we will walk out of this room, this floor, and those elevators......
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