Today, Marshall has his scans. UGH! why does it come so fast? His first one is at 4:00 and 5:30pm. I think we are just going to let him go at it alone. We just sit in the waiting area anyway for the MRI and that takes sooo long. I don't know how he does it? I guess he has no choice in the matter, so what are you going to do. I think he can actually sleep. He will come home tonight and we will have a nice steak dinner. Just the three of us! the 6 kids are at camp.
Speaking of sleep, i haven't been sleeping well for the last week. I think when i was writing a post last week ( i haven't posted it...debating whether or not too since it is a week old. I might do it just before this one) and i realized that scans were this week (today now). I kept saying end of month and when i was writing i realized that is was the end of the month this week....so, lovely....sooo tired and i am tired of being tired. i have stayed up late at night. brian is passed out and dead asleep and i am wide awake yet so tired (any of that make sense?) then i have to get up early for work...which i hate...too early for me...okay, it's not, but when you are used to leaving the house at 9:40ish and all of a sudded you have to leave an hour earlier...that's so hard. hopefully, in the fall we will go back to 10.....no one likes it...it's all so hard for us to get used to and we have been doing this since i think april....
Marshall has clinic on Thursday afternoon. Of course, i can't go bc i am at work....brian is going to go. He is soooo lucky! he's right there. all he has to do is take a shuttle to the hospital. I hope we find out tomorrow! I hate how my heart just feels extra heavy and sensitive. it skips a few beats extra every now and then. it feels like it's swimming sometimes and jumps around at certain emotions that are rolling around in my head.
Marshall said we didn't have to go to either of the appointments. he's a big boy now. i know he wants to be independant...and i get that and respect that. i told him, but we want to....i just don't want to dump you after all we've been thru.....that's hard to do, but i'm gonna do it. i am not going to be hovering mom! i want my child to feel like he can come to me when he needs me. i don't want him to avoid me bc i am so overbearing. i wrote him a graduation letter and put it on his pillow. gosh, that was forever ago....and i just asked him last week...or maybe it was sunday...i can't remember!!!! still.....memory has taken a VaCa. that he did get it. I told i wondered bc he hadn't said anything. then he did the "typing fingers in the air" and winked at me. so he was telling me he has been meaning to 'write' me back. i think that is how i am expressing myself.......i tell him i love him all the time as he does me....i hug him....his strong chest...man has he really built up a good strong chest...and arms. he is still devoted to working out every other day! he looks great. he says he can run farther now......and thinks he has a shot at rugby this year in school.....
so, the kids are gone and i'm off today....i am washing the kids mattress pads, sheets and such...so it will be a productive day...if i can get off of this thing. I've been on facebook, caringbridge, and now this......all scan related....this week we will gear up for the beach. we leave on sunday and it can't come too soon. i am praying we will be celebrating next week the clean scans....so, kids get picked up on friday, getting alllll the laundry washed (dreading that one), double header for patrick on saturday, Mass saturday night, and leave on sunday morning!!!!! Beach here we come!!!!!
I guess i better get going.....hug your children today!!! love on them!!!! don't take them for granted!!!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I have been wanting to write again, but don't know what to say and again i feel like no one cares anymore what my thoughts are. We are done and so they are unimportant. We hit the year mark last week when we FINALLY heard "REMISSION" we were in Vegas (Brian and I) omgosh.....way tooooo much fun and of course expensive.....Brian doesn't want to know how much we spent on alcohol...what he really meant was "how much I spent on alcohol" HeeHee. Ok, i will back up....skooting back....Brian and I went out for week long trip to Vegas (Sat-Sat) yes, everyone...i have already been told that is too long in Vegas...but if you would let me finish....you will see....the first half was us..fun, sleeping in, poolside together, etc...then on Wed-Fri it was just me...Brian was there for a conference, and tagged along.....soooo, while he was at the conferences......those three days i was at the pool......and man....everything is expensive.....and with jammin to great music, people watching...at somepoint (not at 9 am...i was not one of those ordering the big 32 oz....) you have to have something.....soo....that's why.....but I think i could have done a whole lot worse.......beleive you me...i saw many who did and i don't know how you can afford that much let alone consume it all...to be young again, but i was never that young......
So we were out it was late.....on Friday night......Brian remembered...it had been a year when we heard the words "remission" on the way home from the airport (marshall picked us up) they brought it up to eachother, and then marshall said that he was in bed...forget if he was asleep and woke up and remembered or what...........so, he pretended.....that he had a cupcake with a candle and blew it out.....i laughed sooo hard!!! i thought that was the best. I still never know exactly how marshall wants to proceed. he sooo wants to move on, so i don't know if he wants to go out and celebrate or what.....i think if we were all together we would have for the big "year".
Scans are approaching here next week....crap.....NEXT WEEK....I kept saying it was at the end of the month but we are basically there......great!!!! gotta keep myself busy next week. we ship off the bottom 6 (that sounds wierd) on Sunday for the SIBS cancer camp....for the siblings. All six get to go this year. last year Aidan wasn't old enough. so today i went to walmart (hate that place) and got all the "little" shampoos, bug spray, lotion, sunscreen....etc. i was embarrassed.....i had to have people go in front of me in that particular section bc they just needed "one thing" and i was looking for 6 of this and 6 of that, then we changed some things up, so i needed 1 of this, and 5 of that, and then another was 2 of this, and 4 of that...no, wait change out 2 of those for 2 of these...can he handle big boy shampoo.....LOL you should have heard me talking to the kids...kids toothpaste, big people toothpaste....deoderant, who wants to smell like what...does he care if he has "dial" bodywash or does he/she need scented according to the sex of the person....the sunscreen was the easiest...along with bug spray...grab six and done! the cutest, oldest checkout man was duh....checking us out...and he said "is this for camp" i said "yes, 6 of 'em" he said "oh, that's like me" i didn't quite understand him with his protective gloves on, while never once looking me in the eye. and asked if all mine (okay that time he looked at me) and i said yes there is one more....then i got clarification, he said "well, i had 6" i told him "awesome" in a real happy voice....bc it is something to celebrate...if not why go thru all that work....and it's work......he didn't say anything after that.....other than, the traditional here's your total, thank you, here's your reciept.....i told him to have a wonderful day. of course, before all this conversation....i was unloading had three kids with me....the 16, 14, and 10....i'm short not gonna deny it....and i can get the things at the front of the cart when i am unloading and such but then when your at the longest point and you have to stretch to right under that thing that comes out for kids.....i can't....i tell my kids, don't mind me i got this......well, they didn't.....so, really.....i say patrick (14) you got long arms, use them for goodness sakes and help...he did....phew.....
marshall and brian went to orientation for UTKnoxville. they left on Sunday night, yep Father's day...oh, it gets better......we get in from vegas around 11 pm on sat. night...as we literally pull into driveway, marshall informs us that we haven't had AC since Friday during a huge electrical storm...and brian...is like whyyyyyy didn't you tell me....marshall said "he didn't want to ruin the trip" and we are like..."this isn't" it's hotter than hell (not really but hot and stuffy) and there is no one to call...we have to open windows....get fans in windows...get creative...to just sleep and that takes an hour......we are so tired bc i didn't want to go to bed friday night. i kept brian out at a club til 2:30 am....man, i'm too old for this but when your in it...it is sooo much fun...and i'm not gonna lie down yet. so, sunday morning we are getting ready for Mass......finally get ahold of a friends dad thru marshall and he calls. and comes out after Mass and gets it working....we were afraid since marshall had it on the whole time that he burned up the engine.....phew...not $5000 dollars...
so, kids go to camp on sunday - friday, and then on sunday we go to the beach. We figured...this could be the last time as a family. As marshall gets older and more financial responsiblity we don't know if he can always come....oh, that's such a sad thought!!!! now, i realize what my parents felt when i couldn't go to the mountains or Lake Powell......
So we were out it was late.....on Friday night......Brian remembered...it had been a year when we heard the words "remission" on the way home from the airport (marshall picked us up) they brought it up to eachother, and then marshall said that he was in bed...forget if he was asleep and woke up and remembered or what...........so, he pretended.....that he had a cupcake with a candle and blew it out.....i laughed sooo hard!!! i thought that was the best. I still never know exactly how marshall wants to proceed. he sooo wants to move on, so i don't know if he wants to go out and celebrate or what.....i think if we were all together we would have for the big "year".
Scans are approaching here next week....crap.....NEXT WEEK....I kept saying it was at the end of the month but we are basically there......great!!!! gotta keep myself busy next week. we ship off the bottom 6 (that sounds wierd) on Sunday for the SIBS cancer camp....for the siblings. All six get to go this year. last year Aidan wasn't old enough. so today i went to walmart (hate that place) and got all the "little" shampoos, bug spray, lotion, sunscreen....etc. i was embarrassed.....i had to have people go in front of me in that particular section bc they just needed "one thing" and i was looking for 6 of this and 6 of that, then we changed some things up, so i needed 1 of this, and 5 of that, and then another was 2 of this, and 4 of that...no, wait change out 2 of those for 2 of these...can he handle big boy shampoo.....LOL you should have heard me talking to the kids...kids toothpaste, big people toothpaste....deoderant, who wants to smell like what...does he care if he has "dial" bodywash or does he/she need scented according to the sex of the person....the sunscreen was the easiest...along with bug spray...grab six and done! the cutest, oldest checkout man was duh....checking us out...and he said "is this for camp" i said "yes, 6 of 'em" he said "oh, that's like me" i didn't quite understand him with his protective gloves on, while never once looking me in the eye. and asked if all mine (okay that time he looked at me) and i said yes there is one more....then i got clarification, he said "well, i had 6" i told him "awesome" in a real happy voice....bc it is something to celebrate...if not why go thru all that work....and it's work......he didn't say anything after that.....other than, the traditional here's your total, thank you, here's your reciept.....i told him to have a wonderful day. of course, before all this conversation....i was unloading had three kids with me....the 16, 14, and 10....i'm short not gonna deny it....and i can get the things at the front of the cart when i am unloading and such but then when your at the longest point and you have to stretch to right under that thing that comes out for kids.....i can't....i tell my kids, don't mind me i got this......well, they didn't.....so, really.....i say patrick (14) you got long arms, use them for goodness sakes and help...he did....phew.....
marshall and brian went to orientation for UTKnoxville. they left on Sunday night, yep Father's day...oh, it gets better......we get in from vegas around 11 pm on sat. night...as we literally pull into driveway, marshall informs us that we haven't had AC since Friday during a huge electrical storm...and brian...is like whyyyyyy didn't you tell me....marshall said "he didn't want to ruin the trip" and we are like..."this isn't" it's hotter than hell (not really but hot and stuffy) and there is no one to call...we have to open windows....get fans in windows...get creative...to just sleep and that takes an hour......we are so tired bc i didn't want to go to bed friday night. i kept brian out at a club til 2:30 am....man, i'm too old for this but when your in it...it is sooo much fun...and i'm not gonna lie down yet. so, sunday morning we are getting ready for Mass......finally get ahold of a friends dad thru marshall and he calls. and comes out after Mass and gets it working....we were afraid since marshall had it on the whole time that he burned up the engine.....phew...not $5000 dollars...
so, kids go to camp on sunday - friday, and then on sunday we go to the beach. We figured...this could be the last time as a family. As marshall gets older and more financial responsiblity we don't know if he can always come....oh, that's such a sad thought!!!! now, i realize what my parents felt when i couldn't go to the mountains or Lake Powell......
Friday, May 11, 2012
Summer Approaches
So, it's Friday (i don't work Fridays anymore and i think i am digging it) This is only my 3rd one, so i am still getting used to it. Today, i have already gotten the kids ready for various end of the year things for today, a spend the night, load of laundry (shoot, i have to fold one load), swept the hardwood floors (they were a mess), paid bills, updated CaringBridge, and just sat down with my 2nd cup of java! I am supposed to be working out. I have to admit that we got the "Brazilian Butt" workout. and today it's my "Bum Bum" workout.....HeeHee I can do that later....
I went to visit my family in April and had sooo much fun. A little too much! The first night I ended up staying up 24hrs. My sister and I were just chatting and catching up...and before i knew it...it was 3:30 am, which meant 5:30 am (here) i think i got like 4 hours of sleep. My first night is always short of sleep bc i am so excited to get up and see everyone...i am like a giddy little kid.
I had a lunch with some old friends.....one i hadn't seen since 4th grade. it was just 5 of them, two sets of sisters, and the one (one i hadn't seen since 4th), one of the mom's of the sister's(she was like my 2nd mom growing up. i was ALWAYS over their house spending the night and crank calling, etc...back in those days you could) and my parents....one of my friends said i needed to write on my blog. I told her i didn't know what to say and really didn't feel anyone would care anymore. She told me she loved it when i wrote and to write.....so here i am!
So, this weekend is Marshall's Graduation. I can't believe that my oldest....the little dude that i have remembered as a child a lot within the last year and a half is done with his life 100% at home. After this, we are his refuge when he has breaks from College. Man!!! He has had a great year of school and ask i wrote on CaringBridge...a little too much! Let's just say the Senior Slide is soooo true! I have to balance what he went thru last year and what he can no longer get away with. He wants to be treated like normal and like it never happened but then sometimes you see him trying to get away with it....HeeHee...kids they never change.
He went to 3 proms. They were all in a row, and the 1st one was his, and then the other two....were the other Catholic High Schools. One of them was where many of his Grade School friends went, so he got to see a few of them. He enjoyed that.
Since my last blog posting, things have gotten better. I am working thru things, and understanding. I think once you reach out and realize your not alone and wierd your able to process things. Marshall won a scholarship (an essay contest) from the Gilda's Club (it's a cancer support facility for patients, families....anyone) I have always wanted to go in there, but thought it would be stale like the hospital, people always told me to go, asked if i had signed up. i just couldn't do it. i was afraid of not knowing....feeling wierd. but this contest that he won. we all had to go there and he read his essay and they had a little check presentation, but i was able to walk around there and it's so home like. they have a kids zone and they loved it! anyway, i was able to talk to two of the women that worked there and are ahead of the support groups and things....of course i cried, while explaining some of my issues and they totally understood. i want something for parents. i don't want to go and be with cancer patients......no offense, but my issues are nothing compared to them and i don't feel worthy of even complaining in their presence. they said what we were going thru is so normal and it happens and it's a process. But...of course i have been so busy i haven't had time to go and set up the initial meeting....LOL. Everything in time i guess. There is a reason for everything, and things work out when they are supposed to.
One thing that really has helped me is a death of a Junior in College. I hate bringing it up. But it is true. Marshall was very close to him. He was going to the same college that Marshall will attend next year. Marshall found out on a Friday that he got in to UTK, and almost called him to tell him. they would again be together at school for one year. On Monday, Marshall found out he was dead. It was a tragic death. It was a moped accident in Mexico during Spring Break. And it's still hard for everyone. We stood in line to GET INTO THE CHURCH for visitation for 2 hours. The only reason we got in was bc it starting to storm. For the funeral, Marshall had to sit in the gym with a huge screen. He was that loved and that much of an inspiration to so many. He would drop off Marshall, freshman year (he was a senior) from Rugby practice. They lived in the neighborhood. Last year, anytime he was in town from college he would visit Marshall in the hospital, bring him Five Guys (best burgers and fries man) if Marshall was home, they would meet for lunch or dinner. He came and saw the man cave at Christmas. That was the last time i saw him. Who would have thought? Marshall took it very hard as we all did, but Marshall really loved him and had a special bond. Father Ryan had Senior Presentation for Rugby last week, and Marshall was wearing his Number. Man....that was hard.
At that time, I was starting to reach out for help, it was scan time, i subconsciously think worried..duh!!!!! my heart was beating real hard. But here's the deal. I realized. My son had Cancer, is in remission. Yes, he can die. But here is this precious soul. Not worry in the world. the biggest heart.....physically strong and healthy...and boom....gone. What am i worrying about? Cancer may not even take Marshall. I car might, peaceful death at a very old age. Why worry....yes, i can worry a little...be nervous......but why give it the power over you? Why let it takeover and rule your thoughts. Who wants to constantly worry? I don't. that's just depressing!!!!!! I want to remember the good times. I want to enjoy the future. If i focus too much on what might be, i will miss out on what is. I have my son! He is here, right now, upstairs sleeping. They don't have their son! He is in Heaven....which is a beautiful place and where we all strive to go! What am i complaining about for goodness sakes. So, see unfortunately he helped me. Just like he helped so many people in life. He is still helping! I find myself talking to him sometimes. I want to tell his parents, but shoot....i would mean it in the most humble of ways. and out of love, but no i am going to keep this to myself.....maybe in the future.....way future......to loose a child.....that takes a lot out of you. Even his father told me that night at the presentation...."i'm not doing so good sometimes" this came up bc i started to cry when i hugged him, and i told him i am not good with things like this. i can't talk, but throat seizes up.....my heart is breaking for them.......you know they are feeling exactly what you fear most. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Well, that was nice and cheerful.....here i was all excited and happy with my cup of coffee....i was gonna write.......and get inspired....and look where i ended up? hmm...maybe i needed to get that out?
We have scans in June. It will be his year mark!!!!! 4 more to go!!!!!! From what the doc said. the first two years are the scariest, 3, you can break a little more, 4...your almost there...and 5...celebrate! Granted it can come back at any time but for Marshall it's the 5 year mark that we are going for! He's that One in Five he says!!!! People keep asking me if i am all sad over him graduating and leaving and all. for one thing, yes...i will cry, but shoot. he is not leaving yet. i still have summer so why go there....I'M JUST GLAD HE'S ALIVE.....i am glad he is able to leave and go to college. All these moms are falling apart already (so i hear) and everyone keeps asking me if i am having a hard time. i just stare at them, and have no clue what to say. i say 'i'm good' I am just not going there yet. They are like "are you gonna cry you think" i say "probably" it's so funny. I think i am not taking it as hard bc of last year. i was/am worried about death......could care less or worry about anything less. I am not saying that it's stupid to fall apart if it's your oldest or anything. I think i must be immune to that. My tolerance must be higher....it's gonna take a lot for me to "fall apart" or "be sooo sad" If you have any idea...please let me know!!!! I will miss him dearly! That is why i will take advantage of the summer with him and all the kids!
they are growing up so much. dinners are getting to be so much fun...the laughter we have!!!! the stories, interrupting, farting, burping (not that i condone these last two.......i give them the evil eye) And one of my older children, love to fart just has he passes by me....seriously!!!!! why?! man, love you too!!!!! but it's out of love....he thinks it's so funny! catherine will get her liscence this summer, i think? she is gonna do driver's ed. gosh, have no idea how families afford all this stuff and cars...granted we are not getting her one.....she will use the kid car. but it adds up with everyone coming of age one at a time. but we will see. how many more do i have to go thru? oh, that reminds me. when i was in phx. we went on sunday to Grammy's for a lunch. all the 1st cousins and aunts, uncles...their kids....we figured that Grammy had 3 kids. Out of those three kids she has 22 grandchildren. Out of those 22 grandchildren, so far she has 55 great grandchildren. Not even all of them are married....or are just starting their families. but one of my 1st cousin was listening to me and i was saying something to the fact of free sitters or no diapers, or all in school and she looks at me and says "when will it end" i looked at her and i remembered being in her shoes. thick in the middle of it. i couldn't see an end. i had no clue that it ever would. you get in this steady rythmn of pregnant, nurse, pregnant, nurse....and keep going and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. not saying that it is all dark in there while your in the thick of it. but yes, it is tiring but so worth it. it is hard work, but anything worth it, is hard work. i told her, you will be there before you know it. i can't believe i am already am where i am at. i haven't had a baby in 6 years :0(, all are in school. i haven't changed diapers (for my own child) in like 3 or 2 1/2 years....wow! i have been changing diapers since i was 8....i didn't know any different.....that's a long time...but i didn't know any different and that's life in a big family. i loved it! not the poop diapers, mind you....but i do miss it. everyone keeps telling me, i will have a loner....just you wait....Heehee
this baseball season, we have 4 playing. two-baseball, one-softball, and for the 1st time every one-T-ball....T-ball is hysterical!!!! all you do is laugh. man, if your in a bad mood, go see a T-ball game if you haven't!!!! it's hard with at times 3 games going on at once, but it works out i guess. we always get into it and say WHY did we do this? but it gets the kids outside......and they love it. Sean playing for 7-8 is doing great this year. this is his second year playing and they have been putting him on 1st. he's doing real well. some great catches, and since Marshall reminded him last night....tag them. he was tagging whether or not he needed to....HeeHee. Aidan (T-ball) they have had him at 1st a little and he does real well too. i think with watching the older kids.....he is one of the older ones there...so that helps....Liz (softball) is in her second year. she is 10 and has improved too. she is getting so tall. she has had some great catches and has been hitting the ball too. patrick is going to be playing for the 13 and up again this year. they have only had one practice, they seem to start later than the rest. this is where it gets fun!!!!!! when they are that old they know what they are doing and it gets competitive....in a good way. we have a great group of parents for the team. i am looking forward to that.
well, we will spend 4th of july week at the beach. we didn't know if it was gonna work out but i really wanted it to. who knows if this will be the last time as a family? they will start to dwindle off here......every two years. well, i think i must go and start getting ready for the day. put the load in the dryer, need to mop, make sure marshall gets up here soon for his practice for tomorrow's Mass and other stuff...oh yeah, i gotta workout.... :0( think i am gonna get this mother over with!!!! I have no idea what i have said up here, i am not going to reread it, or second guess it. if i do that, might as well just delete the whole thing. I have no idea if any of this makes sense, if anyone cares.....heehee
Happy Mother's Day!!!!
I went to visit my family in April and had sooo much fun. A little too much! The first night I ended up staying up 24hrs. My sister and I were just chatting and catching up...and before i knew it...it was 3:30 am, which meant 5:30 am (here) i think i got like 4 hours of sleep. My first night is always short of sleep bc i am so excited to get up and see everyone...i am like a giddy little kid.
I had a lunch with some old friends.....one i hadn't seen since 4th grade. it was just 5 of them, two sets of sisters, and the one (one i hadn't seen since 4th), one of the mom's of the sister's(she was like my 2nd mom growing up. i was ALWAYS over their house spending the night and crank calling, etc...back in those days you could) and my parents....one of my friends said i needed to write on my blog. I told her i didn't know what to say and really didn't feel anyone would care anymore. She told me she loved it when i wrote and to write.....so here i am!
So, this weekend is Marshall's Graduation. I can't believe that my oldest....the little dude that i have remembered as a child a lot within the last year and a half is done with his life 100% at home. After this, we are his refuge when he has breaks from College. Man!!! He has had a great year of school and ask i wrote on CaringBridge...a little too much! Let's just say the Senior Slide is soooo true! I have to balance what he went thru last year and what he can no longer get away with. He wants to be treated like normal and like it never happened but then sometimes you see him trying to get away with it....HeeHee...kids they never change.
He went to 3 proms. They were all in a row, and the 1st one was his, and then the other two....were the other Catholic High Schools. One of them was where many of his Grade School friends went, so he got to see a few of them. He enjoyed that.
Since my last blog posting, things have gotten better. I am working thru things, and understanding. I think once you reach out and realize your not alone and wierd your able to process things. Marshall won a scholarship (an essay contest) from the Gilda's Club (it's a cancer support facility for patients, families....anyone) I have always wanted to go in there, but thought it would be stale like the hospital, people always told me to go, asked if i had signed up. i just couldn't do it. i was afraid of not knowing....feeling wierd. but this contest that he won. we all had to go there and he read his essay and they had a little check presentation, but i was able to walk around there and it's so home like. they have a kids zone and they loved it! anyway, i was able to talk to two of the women that worked there and are ahead of the support groups and things....of course i cried, while explaining some of my issues and they totally understood. i want something for parents. i don't want to go and be with cancer patients......no offense, but my issues are nothing compared to them and i don't feel worthy of even complaining in their presence. they said what we were going thru is so normal and it happens and it's a process. But...of course i have been so busy i haven't had time to go and set up the initial meeting....LOL. Everything in time i guess. There is a reason for everything, and things work out when they are supposed to.
One thing that really has helped me is a death of a Junior in College. I hate bringing it up. But it is true. Marshall was very close to him. He was going to the same college that Marshall will attend next year. Marshall found out on a Friday that he got in to UTK, and almost called him to tell him. they would again be together at school for one year. On Monday, Marshall found out he was dead. It was a tragic death. It was a moped accident in Mexico during Spring Break. And it's still hard for everyone. We stood in line to GET INTO THE CHURCH for visitation for 2 hours. The only reason we got in was bc it starting to storm. For the funeral, Marshall had to sit in the gym with a huge screen. He was that loved and that much of an inspiration to so many. He would drop off Marshall, freshman year (he was a senior) from Rugby practice. They lived in the neighborhood. Last year, anytime he was in town from college he would visit Marshall in the hospital, bring him Five Guys (best burgers and fries man) if Marshall was home, they would meet for lunch or dinner. He came and saw the man cave at Christmas. That was the last time i saw him. Who would have thought? Marshall took it very hard as we all did, but Marshall really loved him and had a special bond. Father Ryan had Senior Presentation for Rugby last week, and Marshall was wearing his Number. Man....that was hard.
At that time, I was starting to reach out for help, it was scan time, i subconsciously think worried..duh!!!!! my heart was beating real hard. But here's the deal. I realized. My son had Cancer, is in remission. Yes, he can die. But here is this precious soul. Not worry in the world. the biggest heart.....physically strong and healthy...and boom....gone. What am i worrying about? Cancer may not even take Marshall. I car might, peaceful death at a very old age. Why worry....yes, i can worry a little...be nervous......but why give it the power over you? Why let it takeover and rule your thoughts. Who wants to constantly worry? I don't. that's just depressing!!!!!! I want to remember the good times. I want to enjoy the future. If i focus too much on what might be, i will miss out on what is. I have my son! He is here, right now, upstairs sleeping. They don't have their son! He is in Heaven....which is a beautiful place and where we all strive to go! What am i complaining about for goodness sakes. So, see unfortunately he helped me. Just like he helped so many people in life. He is still helping! I find myself talking to him sometimes. I want to tell his parents, but shoot....i would mean it in the most humble of ways. and out of love, but no i am going to keep this to myself.....maybe in the future.....way future......to loose a child.....that takes a lot out of you. Even his father told me that night at the presentation...."i'm not doing so good sometimes" this came up bc i started to cry when i hugged him, and i told him i am not good with things like this. i can't talk, but throat seizes up.....my heart is breaking for them.......you know they are feeling exactly what you fear most. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Well, that was nice and cheerful.....here i was all excited and happy with my cup of coffee....i was gonna write.......and get inspired....and look where i ended up? hmm...maybe i needed to get that out?
We have scans in June. It will be his year mark!!!!! 4 more to go!!!!!! From what the doc said. the first two years are the scariest, 3, you can break a little more, 4...your almost there...and 5...celebrate! Granted it can come back at any time but for Marshall it's the 5 year mark that we are going for! He's that One in Five he says!!!! People keep asking me if i am all sad over him graduating and leaving and all. for one thing, yes...i will cry, but shoot. he is not leaving yet. i still have summer so why go there....I'M JUST GLAD HE'S ALIVE.....i am glad he is able to leave and go to college. All these moms are falling apart already (so i hear) and everyone keeps asking me if i am having a hard time. i just stare at them, and have no clue what to say. i say 'i'm good' I am just not going there yet. They are like "are you gonna cry you think" i say "probably" it's so funny. I think i am not taking it as hard bc of last year. i was/am worried about death......could care less or worry about anything less. I am not saying that it's stupid to fall apart if it's your oldest or anything. I think i must be immune to that. My tolerance must be higher....it's gonna take a lot for me to "fall apart" or "be sooo sad" If you have any idea...please let me know!!!! I will miss him dearly! That is why i will take advantage of the summer with him and all the kids!
they are growing up so much. dinners are getting to be so much fun...the laughter we have!!!! the stories, interrupting, farting, burping (not that i condone these last two.......i give them the evil eye) And one of my older children, love to fart just has he passes by me....seriously!!!!! why?! man, love you too!!!!! but it's out of love....he thinks it's so funny! catherine will get her liscence this summer, i think? she is gonna do driver's ed. gosh, have no idea how families afford all this stuff and cars...granted we are not getting her one.....she will use the kid car. but it adds up with everyone coming of age one at a time. but we will see. how many more do i have to go thru? oh, that reminds me. when i was in phx. we went on sunday to Grammy's for a lunch. all the 1st cousins and aunts, uncles...their kids....we figured that Grammy had 3 kids. Out of those three kids she has 22 grandchildren. Out of those 22 grandchildren, so far she has 55 great grandchildren. Not even all of them are married....or are just starting their families. but one of my 1st cousin was listening to me and i was saying something to the fact of free sitters or no diapers, or all in school and she looks at me and says "when will it end" i looked at her and i remembered being in her shoes. thick in the middle of it. i couldn't see an end. i had no clue that it ever would. you get in this steady rythmn of pregnant, nurse, pregnant, nurse....and keep going and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. not saying that it is all dark in there while your in the thick of it. but yes, it is tiring but so worth it. it is hard work, but anything worth it, is hard work. i told her, you will be there before you know it. i can't believe i am already am where i am at. i haven't had a baby in 6 years :0(, all are in school. i haven't changed diapers (for my own child) in like 3 or 2 1/2 years....wow! i have been changing diapers since i was 8....i didn't know any different.....that's a long time...but i didn't know any different and that's life in a big family. i loved it! not the poop diapers, mind you....but i do miss it. everyone keeps telling me, i will have a loner....just you wait....Heehee
this baseball season, we have 4 playing. two-baseball, one-softball, and for the 1st time every one-T-ball....T-ball is hysterical!!!! all you do is laugh. man, if your in a bad mood, go see a T-ball game if you haven't!!!! it's hard with at times 3 games going on at once, but it works out i guess. we always get into it and say WHY did we do this? but it gets the kids outside......and they love it. Sean playing for 7-8 is doing great this year. this is his second year playing and they have been putting him on 1st. he's doing real well. some great catches, and since Marshall reminded him last night....tag them. he was tagging whether or not he needed to....HeeHee. Aidan (T-ball) they have had him at 1st a little and he does real well too. i think with watching the older kids.....he is one of the older ones there...so that helps....Liz (softball) is in her second year. she is 10 and has improved too. she is getting so tall. she has had some great catches and has been hitting the ball too. patrick is going to be playing for the 13 and up again this year. they have only had one practice, they seem to start later than the rest. this is where it gets fun!!!!!! when they are that old they know what they are doing and it gets competitive....in a good way. we have a great group of parents for the team. i am looking forward to that.
well, we will spend 4th of july week at the beach. we didn't know if it was gonna work out but i really wanted it to. who knows if this will be the last time as a family? they will start to dwindle off here......every two years. well, i think i must go and start getting ready for the day. put the load in the dryer, need to mop, make sure marshall gets up here soon for his practice for tomorrow's Mass and other stuff...oh yeah, i gotta workout.... :0( think i am gonna get this mother over with!!!! I have no idea what i have said up here, i am not going to reread it, or second guess it. if i do that, might as well just delete the whole thing. I have no idea if any of this makes sense, if anyone cares.....heehee
Happy Mother's Day!!!!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Too Say or Not to Say
I haven't written in so long. There has been so much to say and then not enough. We have moved on, Marshall is living life like never before. He frustrates us at times but what teenager/young adult (depends how you wanna look at it) doesn't!!!! I am blessed for the frustration and will take it. It could be so much worse.
I have opened my heart, not all but mostly when we went thru all the chemo, surgery and stuff and i had a reason. Now, I feel as though I don't have an excuse. I haven't written for that reason, but as the days go by I am seeing the very need of that. And I want to find a place that parents can turn to for questions, support (mainly others telling you you are not crazy)
As a parent with a child with cancer, you put on a brave face, lean on your faith like crazy and move on and day by day you thank the Lord you made it. You put all thoughts unnecessary away because there is no room. You only have room for survival. So you survive with your children, hubby, life, weather, chemo, doctors, sickness, whatever the case may be. Anything else...gets put away for a later date.
Marshall finished in June, officially. Yes, he had radiation but he didn't count that so neither did i. What i will count is the after effects....but will or would i tell him....Hell no! You can't tell him anything. You have to be strong as the parent to the one with cancer and the others. if you break down in front of anyone then all chaos starts. You are the example to your kids how to react and take this on. The way you freak out or smile is how they are gonna do it. i had/have six other souls looking to me. no pressure!!!!!! Marshall is strong for us and we are strong for him. We don't talk about it really. I wish he would a little let me into that mind of his. I can only imagine a sliver of what he worries about on a day like today when you are awaiting your scan results. Our hearts and nerves are a mess...he is the one that has to live it either way.
So, we have had some time to get normal and settle down. No one warned us that's when the monster comes out to hit you when your not looking. I have lost my memory...heehee....the kids are always informing me "mom, i already told you, you already told me, i told you last night, you told me this morning".....shall i go on? then there is the lack of good sleep....but you have a family to deal with, work, chores, homework.....all the likes. but you can't stop you have to move on. then this little emotion called "crying" that will all of a sudden come out and bite you in the butt. Your talking about you child as a baby and how happy and smiley he was....and you have to stop talking about it.....REALLY! I can see if i am thinking of him not making it or something...but really? come on give me a break. then your hubby asks you what's wrong and you have to hold your finger up (to let him know you are trying to get your voice so it doesn't creak and croak with your throat that has seized up with the emotion so much it hurts) and so on and so on! Where is the bravery? Where is the strength that all these people told you you were? You can't fall apart in front of your kids. What would that tell them? I am a strong person. I am not saying that to be snooty or better than anyone, but with having to leave your family while 8 months pregnant with #2 and move to another state....it's been 16 years and it still hurts. I have always had to do things alone...i know i am babbling and have said this before...but i know that God prepared me for this.....I am ready and i can do it, but i think part of the realization is owning up to being human and needing help.
I can't let pride get in my way of getting help and learning to process all that happened last year. And that is all that it is.....It's a let-down....girls, you know what i mean (boys close your eyes for the next couple of lines) It's like nursing....when you have been out for too long or something and you are SOOO needing to nurse....it hurts....and it's about to burst...well, not really but work with me. and you cradle that ever so adorable, cuddly beebee and you know they are dying of thirst....but when you do.....you have that let-down!!!! that's what it is like.....i/we have built up all this emotion and put our feelings and emotions on the side.....well, it can't hold it any longer and it has to release.....but you fight it because you don't know what it is (bc in nursing terms..you are still out and not home yet) you think am i going mad? what is this? do other parents feel the same way? no, i am weird!
Nope, it's real and we are not weird or unstable people. We are parents that love our child and children so much that we put them first. now it's time for us to heal. I am going to work on that. I feel it's so important to help parents that will go thru this. We are not alone and so many work thru it just fine and others loose the battle and become bitter and self consumed. Everything God gives us is a blessing good or bad. At the end, no matter what amount of suffering that goes on here on earth......there is a reward. Heaven is that reward. So, we have to take it by the reins and lead the way. Patrick, # 3, received the Sacrament of Confirmation on Sunday. That gift of the Holy Spirit is so strong for this Sacrament. It actually helped me. As I was telling the kids, the way i did for Marshall when he was little (i promise i am not crying) that with this Sacrament you become a Soldier of Christ and with that you get the courage to fight and die for him if need be. It's that courage I needed to remind myself of. He is there and we are not alone and He will help us fight this battle and it will not consume us. I received that beautiful gift and I still have but I have to ask for it. No, I am not fighting a battle for my faith but I am fighting a battle and with the Holy Spirit I will win this battle.
I don't know why i decided to write about this and there is so much more i want and need to get out. Something is calling me and maybe it's part of my healing process. I used this when Marshall was going thru it and i stopped. I guess i just figured......it's not about me, it's about Marshall so why complain...but you know we are not the only ones and I think it's about time to figure this out and help other families. I want to speak with someone who has experience with Cancer. You have to go thru it to understand truly. Not saying you all don't count if you haven't but at this point in time...we have all been hit. Heck, i have my dad with Prostate Cancer, and my brother with CMLeukemia, newly diagnosed at the end of last year (2011) so, the Knoell's have been hit hard this year....i know many others have too. Those that have passed on, sudden ones, diagnosis, shall i go on? nope....not gonna...you get the point.
My phone is going crazy with all the praises......of Marshall's clean scans...we are so blessed with so many that pray and support us....it is precious friends and those I don't even know that keep me smiling and going. it's amazing what Marshall has done and all of those that have been brought in our lives because of this. It's what you make it, not what it makes of you!
I have opened my heart, not all but mostly when we went thru all the chemo, surgery and stuff and i had a reason. Now, I feel as though I don't have an excuse. I haven't written for that reason, but as the days go by I am seeing the very need of that. And I want to find a place that parents can turn to for questions, support (mainly others telling you you are not crazy)
As a parent with a child with cancer, you put on a brave face, lean on your faith like crazy and move on and day by day you thank the Lord you made it. You put all thoughts unnecessary away because there is no room. You only have room for survival. So you survive with your children, hubby, life, weather, chemo, doctors, sickness, whatever the case may be. Anything else...gets put away for a later date.
Marshall finished in June, officially. Yes, he had radiation but he didn't count that so neither did i. What i will count is the after effects....but will or would i tell him....Hell no! You can't tell him anything. You have to be strong as the parent to the one with cancer and the others. if you break down in front of anyone then all chaos starts. You are the example to your kids how to react and take this on. The way you freak out or smile is how they are gonna do it. i had/have six other souls looking to me. no pressure!!!!!! Marshall is strong for us and we are strong for him. We don't talk about it really. I wish he would a little let me into that mind of his. I can only imagine a sliver of what he worries about on a day like today when you are awaiting your scan results. Our hearts and nerves are a mess...he is the one that has to live it either way.
So, we have had some time to get normal and settle down. No one warned us that's when the monster comes out to hit you when your not looking. I have lost my memory...heehee....the kids are always informing me "mom, i already told you, you already told me, i told you last night, you told me this morning".....shall i go on? then there is the lack of good sleep....but you have a family to deal with, work, chores, homework.....all the likes. but you can't stop you have to move on. then this little emotion called "crying" that will all of a sudden come out and bite you in the butt. Your talking about you child as a baby and how happy and smiley he was....and you have to stop talking about it.....REALLY! I can see if i am thinking of him not making it or something...but really? come on give me a break. then your hubby asks you what's wrong and you have to hold your finger up (to let him know you are trying to get your voice so it doesn't creak and croak with your throat that has seized up with the emotion so much it hurts) and so on and so on! Where is the bravery? Where is the strength that all these people told you you were? You can't fall apart in front of your kids. What would that tell them? I am a strong person. I am not saying that to be snooty or better than anyone, but with having to leave your family while 8 months pregnant with #2 and move to another state....it's been 16 years and it still hurts. I have always had to do things alone...i know i am babbling and have said this before...but i know that God prepared me for this.....I am ready and i can do it, but i think part of the realization is owning up to being human and needing help.
I can't let pride get in my way of getting help and learning to process all that happened last year. And that is all that it is.....It's a let-down....girls, you know what i mean (boys close your eyes for the next couple of lines) It's like nursing....when you have been out for too long or something and you are SOOO needing to nurse....it hurts....and it's about to burst...well, not really but work with me. and you cradle that ever so adorable, cuddly beebee and you know they are dying of thirst....but when you do.....you have that let-down!!!! that's what it is like.....i/we have built up all this emotion and put our feelings and emotions on the side.....well, it can't hold it any longer and it has to release.....but you fight it because you don't know what it is (bc in nursing terms..you are still out and not home yet) you think am i going mad? what is this? do other parents feel the same way? no, i am weird!
Nope, it's real and we are not weird or unstable people. We are parents that love our child and children so much that we put them first. now it's time for us to heal. I am going to work on that. I feel it's so important to help parents that will go thru this. We are not alone and so many work thru it just fine and others loose the battle and become bitter and self consumed. Everything God gives us is a blessing good or bad. At the end, no matter what amount of suffering that goes on here on earth......there is a reward. Heaven is that reward. So, we have to take it by the reins and lead the way. Patrick, # 3, received the Sacrament of Confirmation on Sunday. That gift of the Holy Spirit is so strong for this Sacrament. It actually helped me. As I was telling the kids, the way i did for Marshall when he was little (i promise i am not crying) that with this Sacrament you become a Soldier of Christ and with that you get the courage to fight and die for him if need be. It's that courage I needed to remind myself of. He is there and we are not alone and He will help us fight this battle and it will not consume us. I received that beautiful gift and I still have but I have to ask for it. No, I am not fighting a battle for my faith but I am fighting a battle and with the Holy Spirit I will win this battle.
I don't know why i decided to write about this and there is so much more i want and need to get out. Something is calling me and maybe it's part of my healing process. I used this when Marshall was going thru it and i stopped. I guess i just figured......it's not about me, it's about Marshall so why complain...but you know we are not the only ones and I think it's about time to figure this out and help other families. I want to speak with someone who has experience with Cancer. You have to go thru it to understand truly. Not saying you all don't count if you haven't but at this point in time...we have all been hit. Heck, i have my dad with Prostate Cancer, and my brother with CMLeukemia, newly diagnosed at the end of last year (2011) so, the Knoell's have been hit hard this year....i know many others have too. Those that have passed on, sudden ones, diagnosis, shall i go on? nope....not gonna...you get the point.
My phone is going crazy with all the praises......of Marshall's clean scans...we are so blessed with so many that pray and support us....it is precious friends and those I don't even know that keep me smiling and going. it's amazing what Marshall has done and all of those that have been brought in our lives because of this. It's what you make it, not what it makes of you!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
3 months have passed already
Today is
Marshall's 1st ever "3 Month Scans" I can't believe that 3 months has gone by
since I was a basket case with the news of Marshall not being in Remission....We
never even made it out of the starting gate....so, here we go......today begins
the rest of his precious life.I mean that in the sense that this is the
"regimen" for awhile. Every 3 months we will go in for scans to get the "all
clear" I am not complaining...it's all good. Better than every two weeks of
torture and caos. Every time I step into that hospital...there is a smell, and
I can even smell it right now! But when those doors open and it's a huge wind
of "the smell" it takes you right back.....the flood of memories and worries the
happiness, the tears, the frustration.....it's like it rides on the air trying
to escape inside. It grabs hold of you and doesn't let you go, til you walk
back out those doors.
So, we will wait for scans and again, my eyes will watch those coming and going....I will see and understand some of the emotions and be able to see thru some of the eyes that make contact with mine. You don't know them, but you feel like you do. Because you do in a way, you share many things...not all but many. You see the pain...especially when you face a parent that has lost a child. You feel guilty for your child being there. You don't want to laugh so hard at your goofy child bc it reminds them of their child. You know that they don't want you to stop living.....they probably live thru us now, but you do wonder and your always on edge (I am) I cry at everything that hurts now if I meet someone, a parent, a child, anyone......but at the same time, I miss everyone that I got to know at the hospital. You cling on to them for dear life for so long then boom their gone just like you are. Marshall goes up to the 6th floor whenever he is at the hospital, so that is good. The nurses love seeing him and it's good to see some life versus death you know. It reminds them of why they are doing this job that is so important to all the families that call the 6th floor home. They need to be reminded that many survive and couldn't have done it without them. Their dedication and love of these kids is what makes that floor work. Without them we would be in a world of hurt! The nurses at Vandy are so exceptional and they have done a great job picking out the best of the best for the 6th floor. Now, don't get me wrong..I am a little prejudice when it comes to the 6th floor......they took care of my baby!!!!! Man, do they miss Marshall. He brought so much life into that place!!!!! It was good for both sides I think while we were there. It was a great balance and healthy for each of us.
I still can't believe he is done. I am so thrilled for him. He looks so darn good and is moving along just great. He doesn't want to talk about Cancer or really have much to do with it. I don't know. It took me by surprise, but I can't blame to poor guy. I may not understand what he personally went thru but watching....I would want to run too.
So, here we are and what do we do? I feel like I should be doing something but I don't know what. I am working and it's going okay. I love it, but still trying to balance it with the family......I am still working out the bugs with school. I think we all need time to figure out what we want to do with this. How we want to live with this and how we want to support this. It has become my cause now. It's just a matter of how and when and what!!!!!
I am so blessed! I truly am.
So, we will wait for scans and again, my eyes will watch those coming and going....I will see and understand some of the emotions and be able to see thru some of the eyes that make contact with mine. You don't know them, but you feel like you do. Because you do in a way, you share many things...not all but many. You see the pain...especially when you face a parent that has lost a child. You feel guilty for your child being there. You don't want to laugh so hard at your goofy child bc it reminds them of their child. You know that they don't want you to stop living.....they probably live thru us now, but you do wonder and your always on edge (I am) I cry at everything that hurts now if I meet someone, a parent, a child, anyone......but at the same time, I miss everyone that I got to know at the hospital. You cling on to them for dear life for so long then boom their gone just like you are. Marshall goes up to the 6th floor whenever he is at the hospital, so that is good. The nurses love seeing him and it's good to see some life versus death you know. It reminds them of why they are doing this job that is so important to all the families that call the 6th floor home. They need to be reminded that many survive and couldn't have done it without them. Their dedication and love of these kids is what makes that floor work. Without them we would be in a world of hurt! The nurses at Vandy are so exceptional and they have done a great job picking out the best of the best for the 6th floor. Now, don't get me wrong..I am a little prejudice when it comes to the 6th floor......they took care of my baby!!!!! Man, do they miss Marshall. He brought so much life into that place!!!!! It was good for both sides I think while we were there. It was a great balance and healthy for each of us.
I still can't believe he is done. I am so thrilled for him. He looks so darn good and is moving along just great. He doesn't want to talk about Cancer or really have much to do with it. I don't know. It took me by surprise, but I can't blame to poor guy. I may not understand what he personally went thru but watching....I would want to run too.
So, here we are and what do we do? I feel like I should be doing something but I don't know what. I am working and it's going okay. I love it, but still trying to balance it with the family......I am still working out the bugs with school. I think we all need time to figure out what we want to do with this. How we want to live with this and how we want to support this. It has become my cause now. It's just a matter of how and when and what!!!!!
I am so blessed! I truly am.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The Uninvited Guest
Summer is over and school has begun...at least for one child...the one that went thru hell last school year. Marshall started school last Friday and was/is so excited. He is a new man! He finished his Radiation treatments on Monday before school started. So, he went in as a Senior in High School with nothing hanging over him. He was done, his hair is growing back, he is working out, he is working, he is driving and hanging with friends....he is "normal" now. I looked at him the other night and man...he looks good. I told him that he looked the same last year at this time....looking at him right now you could not tell how sick he became and wounded he felt.
It's a new beginning for all of us. We get to "start over" if only we could take back time and start over, but i wouldn't change it for the world. I am a better person bc of Marshall. I am a better mother (kinda) bc of Cancer. I am a more understanding wife bc of Marshall and Cancer. I am a better Catholic bc of Cancer brining me down to the lowest of possible thoughts of loosing a child. It makes you grasp onto life more, it makes you sensitive to what's important and what's stupid and not worth your time. It makes you realize all the money in the world will never be or suffice for a child in your arms or a child you can see and say "I love you, have a good day" It makes you realize all the things you fight for....not worth fighting that hard for and not gonna get you where you think you need to be.
Cancer is a family member and is at dinner every night. he did come to dinner and he is here to stay whether we like it or not. It was an uninvited guest, but one you can't say no to. You have to accept it, and make a place setting for him bc he is here to stay. He is involved in everything you talk about at dinner. He helps you make decisions on your next course of thinking, treatments, dealings with the other kids. It's a spoiled brat that wants and gets all the attention. You raise your kids to not be brats, and be respectful, then Cancer comes and he forces himself on you and you have to look at the other children and explain that you can't help it and that this needs immediate attention and you have to leave them to tend to the spoiled brat, Cancer. They don't always get their way, sometimes and most of the time we can silence them into odedience, but sometimes and you don't know when or where or who, but it will become defient and just let loose at the dinner table. You serve him meals and he doesn't like anything. he is very specific and only wants what he wants. He wants you to change everything you do. he doesn't like smells and makes you get creative just for him. And you do all this just for him, as the other children are looking at you in bewilderment wondering why they don't get to do this or eat that or stay up and never sleep......they look at you and bc we raised them right....they go back to their meal.
Cancer takes over the conversations. Sometimes you can put a masking tape around his mouth and forget he's there which gives us the chance to make fun of him and laugh at him and tell jokes and make fun of things he does. yes, that's bad...we are not to do that......but that is a fault of mine. If you barge in my house and make yourself known and you know i don't want you there....if i can get you quiet then i will take advantage and give myself some humor.
Right now, he has nothing to say. we shut him up real good right now. we don't talk about him much if we do it's quick and no biggie. it was as if he never showed up. he has accepted his fate as of now and will remain quiet. he knows that there is nothing he can do at the moment, but he just sits and watches.......he is waiting.....waiting for a chance for that tape to come off and he can release his fury on the family. I hope that we never give him an opportunity to loosen that tape. i pray we got it on good. he can stay as long as he behaves and does what he is told. he is a child and a very badly mannered one. He was never taught good manners and we are showing him a thing or two. He doesn't like it and fought a good fight, but he has given in and waved the white flag. I will never let my guard down as a mother. You know how children are....they test you every once in awhile to see if your paying attention and you always have to pay attention. never give up. even if your nursing your youngest and the one above is testing you, seeing if you will quit nursing the child that has been crying and starving....yep, you get up and take care of business.....you get so good at it you can do it all while still nursing and the above looses double bc your that damn good now!
See cancer didn't realize what family's door he knocked on. It was a very capable one. Yes, we can still cry and worry and be scared...we are not "The Incredibles" we are "The Billingsley's" but we always get up. We always finish what we must and we expect a lot of our children and they know that. yes, they are pain in the butts, but butts i love to death! I love pinching their butts.......so cute.....wish i still had those butts....hee-hee
Cancer is an univited guest that we have allowed to share his life with us, since there was nothing we could do to kick him out to the curb. I am thankful that he is quiet right now. he has reaked havoc in other homes and destroyed them. I more than willing to have him sit quietly. I will take that over the jumping on the table and destroying everything we hold dear. I will not have him disrupt my family if i can help it. I hope he never does that, but if he does we as a family will still be sitting at the dinner table and we together will grab hold and never let go. We will all have ropes that intertwine together we are all connected that rope if Our Lord. He will hold things together...it may be dumpy but we will do it together.
It's a new beginning for all of us. We get to "start over" if only we could take back time and start over, but i wouldn't change it for the world. I am a better person bc of Marshall. I am a better mother (kinda) bc of Cancer. I am a more understanding wife bc of Marshall and Cancer. I am a better Catholic bc of Cancer brining me down to the lowest of possible thoughts of loosing a child. It makes you grasp onto life more, it makes you sensitive to what's important and what's stupid and not worth your time. It makes you realize all the money in the world will never be or suffice for a child in your arms or a child you can see and say "I love you, have a good day" It makes you realize all the things you fight for....not worth fighting that hard for and not gonna get you where you think you need to be.
Cancer is a family member and is at dinner every night. he did come to dinner and he is here to stay whether we like it or not. It was an uninvited guest, but one you can't say no to. You have to accept it, and make a place setting for him bc he is here to stay. He is involved in everything you talk about at dinner. He helps you make decisions on your next course of thinking, treatments, dealings with the other kids. It's a spoiled brat that wants and gets all the attention. You raise your kids to not be brats, and be respectful, then Cancer comes and he forces himself on you and you have to look at the other children and explain that you can't help it and that this needs immediate attention and you have to leave them to tend to the spoiled brat, Cancer. They don't always get their way, sometimes and most of the time we can silence them into odedience, but sometimes and you don't know when or where or who, but it will become defient and just let loose at the dinner table. You serve him meals and he doesn't like anything. he is very specific and only wants what he wants. He wants you to change everything you do. he doesn't like smells and makes you get creative just for him. And you do all this just for him, as the other children are looking at you in bewilderment wondering why they don't get to do this or eat that or stay up and never sleep......they look at you and bc we raised them right....they go back to their meal.
Cancer takes over the conversations. Sometimes you can put a masking tape around his mouth and forget he's there which gives us the chance to make fun of him and laugh at him and tell jokes and make fun of things he does. yes, that's bad...we are not to do that......but that is a fault of mine. If you barge in my house and make yourself known and you know i don't want you there....if i can get you quiet then i will take advantage and give myself some humor.
Right now, he has nothing to say. we shut him up real good right now. we don't talk about him much if we do it's quick and no biggie. it was as if he never showed up. he has accepted his fate as of now and will remain quiet. he knows that there is nothing he can do at the moment, but he just sits and watches.......he is waiting.....waiting for a chance for that tape to come off and he can release his fury on the family. I hope that we never give him an opportunity to loosen that tape. i pray we got it on good. he can stay as long as he behaves and does what he is told. he is a child and a very badly mannered one. He was never taught good manners and we are showing him a thing or two. He doesn't like it and fought a good fight, but he has given in and waved the white flag. I will never let my guard down as a mother. You know how children are....they test you every once in awhile to see if your paying attention and you always have to pay attention. never give up. even if your nursing your youngest and the one above is testing you, seeing if you will quit nursing the child that has been crying and starving....yep, you get up and take care of business.....you get so good at it you can do it all while still nursing and the above looses double bc your that damn good now!
See cancer didn't realize what family's door he knocked on. It was a very capable one. Yes, we can still cry and worry and be scared...we are not "The Incredibles" we are "The Billingsley's" but we always get up. We always finish what we must and we expect a lot of our children and they know that. yes, they are pain in the butts, but butts i love to death! I love pinching their butts.......so cute.....wish i still had those butts....hee-hee
Cancer is an univited guest that we have allowed to share his life with us, since there was nothing we could do to kick him out to the curb. I am thankful that he is quiet right now. he has reaked havoc in other homes and destroyed them. I more than willing to have him sit quietly. I will take that over the jumping on the table and destroying everything we hold dear. I will not have him disrupt my family if i can help it. I hope he never does that, but if he does we as a family will still be sitting at the dinner table and we together will grab hold and never let go. We will all have ropes that intertwine together we are all connected that rope if Our Lord. He will hold things together...it may be dumpy but we will do it together.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Where are we now?
Here we are six weeks later.....where are we? I have to say....in a darn good place!!!!!!! I haven't written bc i was/am trying to digest it all, get back in the groove of life, kids, and work.....without the appointments and hospital stays and all. Man, it's quiet....i feel like i should be doing something....it's a good thing, but you do something scheduled every two weeks for 7 or so months and it becomes apart of your mental schedule you know.
June 13th, was a rough day for me. Heck, that week before was awful.....I really didn't handle the news well at all, and wish i was stronger than that. I don't know if it was me holding so much in that whole time before that I finally kinda broke......but the fear is justified, but i hated the weakness.
Anyway, that surgery that was supposed to be a piece of cake for an hour or hour and a half turned out to be 4 hours, a 4 incision, and three pairs of surgical hands up and down his right lung and no tumor. WOW!!!!! It's funny how the doctors and some others reacted to the news of no tumor. They wanted to immediately write it off to the scar tissue they found "in the vicinity" which was "square" not round. I was like "nope...I'm going for miracle" They would chuckle....or not know what to say. Now, not all of them, so don't get me wrong, but with the doctors it's like they want miracles to happen, but then when one does, they have to come up with something to explain it.
Here's my take on it.....
I personally believe that it was a Cancerous tumor! I believe God placed His hand on Marshall and gave him the Miracle of Life!!!!! Not kidding! I believe thru the intercession of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati he was given a miracle. Plain and simple as that for me. I believe that God took this tumor away that had been growing since the first scans in September from 4mm, 6mm, to 8mm. Why would God take away a benign tumor? Why waste the time...okay, He could, but would He? I don't think so...granted i don't mean to know what Our Lord did, but I don't think He would put Marshall thru all that for nothing. My mom made a comment after we heard the news of them not finding it and them having to go "physically" in him, that it would have been nice for the tumor to be gone before the surgery. I joked that God didn't get the memo.....so, the point is.....there was a reason for Marshall to go thru all that pain and torture again and add to the scars he already has...man, he is becoming a connect the dots, slices, and shark bites....LOL
Gosh, my thoughts are not coming in smoothly as i like them to when i write.....since i haven't written since the day of his surgery i haven't had to really sit down and think about it. and it still is emotional for me.......i think it always will be.
What can we take from Marshall's surgery? I think Faith!!!! We had/have to have faith to get thru this and continue to go thru it for the rest of our lives. God humbles us by putting us in our places.....who's in charge.......we control nothing. Miracle or not, Marshall was in God's hands and that scared the hell out of me i have to say. Now, he was always in His hands and still is, but i had to put my life completely in His hands too. My life was at steak, how was i gonna react, where would i put my faith, things like that. It really makes you think.....and realize where you are in your faith and are you like i say "talking the talking or walking the walk?" You can walk the walk and still be a basket case.....nobody said you have to do it with pom-poms cheering....okay, some are gifted with that...but me....i sure as heck wasn't.
it was easier to hear that Marshall had Cancer than it was to hear that your son has a tumor that been growing since the beginning and resisted chemo....and not knowing what it was.....
Marshall is back is all i gotta say!! His true smile, he always had it, but this is the real deal. His hair is growing and he has peach fuzz....love it. he is working out, working a little and so darn excited for school it isn't funny.
August 31st is when this journey began....the beginning....i can't believe it will have been a year. I remember the day when it all began like it was yesterday. i remember the call i got that afternoon telling me the X ray was abnormal and no idea, i remember meeting the next doctor, and his face for the results of the MRI, remember realizing we were being sent to an orthopedic surgical oncologist....i remember the call that changed our lives for ever. i remember knowing before the news and proof that our son had cancer. i remember Marshall diagnosing himself before too.
so, now......what am i going to take from all this? i am still processing it all. i think it is still settling in......Marshall is not done yet.....he is in the middle of his radiation treatments...so, i am still dealing with it a tad.....
i will take from this that faith is a powerful thing. if you don't have it, you won't get very far. we are such a small part of this big world and Our Lord's vision for the future. We have no control over what happens. Our children are gifts given to us parents to tend to, raise, and teach our faith and get them to Heaven. Death is something that shouldn't be feared, it is a step closer to our main purpose in life "to get to Heaven", our life is so temporary and short compared to Heaven. Children die everyday from Cancer, that children suffer everyday bc of Cancer. It's a whole new world that we live in now, with cancer being apart of it. i see a side i never knew before or cared to....to depressing. i have no choice now. i am surrounded by wonderful friends that have been affected by it and are still going thru it. you can't let it consume you....you will perish.....you have to put these precious souls in a special corner in your soul and pray for them daily.
i have especially taken away from all the the power of prayer!!!! i always have prayed and all, but to actually feel it.....never before!!!!! but never before did i need it so much. Brian and i literally would feel that power of prayer for us and the family. there is no way we could be where we are today without that!!!!!! we would have all broken a looooong time ago.
to me, all our prayer warriors are my heroes...i know Brian and Marshall feel the same way. we couldn't have done it without the Masses, Rosaries, prayers, offerings.......all of it. I will never forget my Grandma sending me a printout of all the convents, seminaries and such that were praying for Marshall.........hearing people tell me that Masses were said in other countries....friends/family lighting candles around the world for him.......i have to say....if your gonna get real sick.....nowadays is a good time bc of the technology.....you can let so many people know and pray for you.....that's huge!!!!!
i am proud of my son and how he never wavered from the goal. he always kept his faith and was prepared. he was/is a grand example of carrying a cross. i am so proud to be his mother and i am so unworthy to be his mother at the same time.
yep, i am still processing it all......
as a family, hmmmmm don't know...just got in the groove and got out of it just the same.....we had a great trip to the beach. we didn't worry about a thing...well, Marshall pulled a muscle (round his biopsy on his right side of his lung) so worried for a couple of days...but it turned out that he just had to sit it out for a day and a half and then was able to enjoy himself and get his "tan" on. it was the best family trip we have ever had........it was perfect......wish it could have lasted longer but at least we got one in!!!!!
our dinners are back to normal now. Marshall is not getting up and throwing up, or not eating or not feeling good or not sleeping.....our faces are not drawn with worry or exhaustion. we laugh alot!!!!!! we did all year too, but now the burden is lifted and the true joy is heard in our laughter around the table. we don't talk of cancer at the table anymore. we are "us" again.
i love my family so much and they are all precious little/big souls running around here.......they all have a path they must go thru and we don't know what that is yet. they are all in Our Lord's loving hands and i have to put myself there too. He loves us and doesn't want us to suffer....but sometimes it is allowed for reasons unknown to us. it's not up to us anyway. Only Our Lord knows....and that's His business and not ours. He sees the bigger picture we see a "dot" on the picture...not even that. i know souls came back to their faith bc of Marshall, souls became stronger in their faith bc of Marshall, and souls got to Heaven bc of Marshall. All his suffering was not wasted......granted, i would have not chosen him to suffer like this, but God knows what He is doing and Marshall is one heck of a young man! He is changed forever. He will never be the same. He knows what precious and that is life! He knows what suffering is and embraced it. He knows he couldn't do this alone and walked with Our Lord. He knows nothing is guaranteed and accepted it.
He knows he will never be done. He knows that every 3 months he will have to get scans.....and see if it has come back.....we will hold our breath every three months and pray for acceptance of God's will no matter what..either way. Many have to do that now. Our good friend Ashley.....her Ewing's Sarcoma came back in three months....so, they are living that reality right now. they are in the thick of it, but they are strong and hold to their faith! God has a plan for everyone. I remember when Marshall was going thru it.....us not knowing what the tumor was. i was looking at those that were fine.....and for the first time i started asking "why" i started to look at those past and present........and wonder......i made myself shutdown the "why" it's not for me to ask. it's for me to accept no matter what the outcome. now, i am the one that is fine.....and they are not.....how could i have been so weak......we don't know the future......we can't settle on giving up. you can't give up. you have to fight and fight with your faith!
every breath is a gift. every thought is a gift. every day is a gift. everyday we are given the chance to offer up our day, our Masses, our Rosaries for someone who is in the battle of their life. We are so blessed we forget how so many are suffering...and it's all relative.....we bicker about the traffic....shoot, at least we are there to bicker.....too hot outside....at least we can go outside. so many things we waste our breath on......and we miss so much opportunity on ourselves that we forget about those that really need our prayers our support and our love. i am guilty as charged.....i find myself doing that and i have to remind myself....it doesn't take long to remember my son! we forget the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus went thru......how could we forget that...and He did that for us! if He did that for us......what wouldn't He do for us now?
June 13th, was a rough day for me. Heck, that week before was awful.....I really didn't handle the news well at all, and wish i was stronger than that. I don't know if it was me holding so much in that whole time before that I finally kinda broke......but the fear is justified, but i hated the weakness.
Anyway, that surgery that was supposed to be a piece of cake for an hour or hour and a half turned out to be 4 hours, a 4 incision, and three pairs of surgical hands up and down his right lung and no tumor. WOW!!!!! It's funny how the doctors and some others reacted to the news of no tumor. They wanted to immediately write it off to the scar tissue they found "in the vicinity" which was "square" not round. I was like "nope...I'm going for miracle" They would chuckle....or not know what to say. Now, not all of them, so don't get me wrong, but with the doctors it's like they want miracles to happen, but then when one does, they have to come up with something to explain it.
Here's my take on it.....
I personally believe that it was a Cancerous tumor! I believe God placed His hand on Marshall and gave him the Miracle of Life!!!!! Not kidding! I believe thru the intercession of Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati he was given a miracle. Plain and simple as that for me. I believe that God took this tumor away that had been growing since the first scans in September from 4mm, 6mm, to 8mm. Why would God take away a benign tumor? Why waste the time...okay, He could, but would He? I don't think so...granted i don't mean to know what Our Lord did, but I don't think He would put Marshall thru all that for nothing. My mom made a comment after we heard the news of them not finding it and them having to go "physically" in him, that it would have been nice for the tumor to be gone before the surgery. I joked that God didn't get the memo.....so, the point is.....there was a reason for Marshall to go thru all that pain and torture again and add to the scars he already has...man, he is becoming a connect the dots, slices, and shark bites....LOL
Gosh, my thoughts are not coming in smoothly as i like them to when i write.....since i haven't written since the day of his surgery i haven't had to really sit down and think about it. and it still is emotional for me.......i think it always will be.
What can we take from Marshall's surgery? I think Faith!!!! We had/have to have faith to get thru this and continue to go thru it for the rest of our lives. God humbles us by putting us in our places.....who's in charge.......we control nothing. Miracle or not, Marshall was in God's hands and that scared the hell out of me i have to say. Now, he was always in His hands and still is, but i had to put my life completely in His hands too. My life was at steak, how was i gonna react, where would i put my faith, things like that. It really makes you think.....and realize where you are in your faith and are you like i say "talking the talking or walking the walk?" You can walk the walk and still be a basket case.....nobody said you have to do it with pom-poms cheering....okay, some are gifted with that...but me....i sure as heck wasn't.
it was easier to hear that Marshall had Cancer than it was to hear that your son has a tumor that been growing since the beginning and resisted chemo....and not knowing what it was.....
Marshall is back is all i gotta say!! His true smile, he always had it, but this is the real deal. His hair is growing and he has peach fuzz....love it. he is working out, working a little and so darn excited for school it isn't funny.
August 31st is when this journey began....the beginning....i can't believe it will have been a year. I remember the day when it all began like it was yesterday. i remember the call i got that afternoon telling me the X ray was abnormal and no idea, i remember meeting the next doctor, and his face for the results of the MRI, remember realizing we were being sent to an orthopedic surgical oncologist....i remember the call that changed our lives for ever. i remember knowing before the news and proof that our son had cancer. i remember Marshall diagnosing himself before too.
so, now......what am i going to take from all this? i am still processing it all. i think it is still settling in......Marshall is not done yet.....he is in the middle of his radiation treatments...so, i am still dealing with it a tad.....
i will take from this that faith is a powerful thing. if you don't have it, you won't get very far. we are such a small part of this big world and Our Lord's vision for the future. We have no control over what happens. Our children are gifts given to us parents to tend to, raise, and teach our faith and get them to Heaven. Death is something that shouldn't be feared, it is a step closer to our main purpose in life "to get to Heaven", our life is so temporary and short compared to Heaven. Children die everyday from Cancer, that children suffer everyday bc of Cancer. It's a whole new world that we live in now, with cancer being apart of it. i see a side i never knew before or cared to....to depressing. i have no choice now. i am surrounded by wonderful friends that have been affected by it and are still going thru it. you can't let it consume you....you will perish.....you have to put these precious souls in a special corner in your soul and pray for them daily.
i have especially taken away from all the the power of prayer!!!! i always have prayed and all, but to actually feel it.....never before!!!!! but never before did i need it so much. Brian and i literally would feel that power of prayer for us and the family. there is no way we could be where we are today without that!!!!!! we would have all broken a looooong time ago.
to me, all our prayer warriors are my heroes...i know Brian and Marshall feel the same way. we couldn't have done it without the Masses, Rosaries, prayers, offerings.......all of it. I will never forget my Grandma sending me a printout of all the convents, seminaries and such that were praying for Marshall.........hearing people tell me that Masses were said in other countries....friends/family lighting candles around the world for him.......i have to say....if your gonna get real sick.....nowadays is a good time bc of the technology.....you can let so many people know and pray for you.....that's huge!!!!!
i am proud of my son and how he never wavered from the goal. he always kept his faith and was prepared. he was/is a grand example of carrying a cross. i am so proud to be his mother and i am so unworthy to be his mother at the same time.
yep, i am still processing it all......
as a family, hmmmmm don't know...just got in the groove and got out of it just the same.....we had a great trip to the beach. we didn't worry about a thing...well, Marshall pulled a muscle (round his biopsy on his right side of his lung) so worried for a couple of days...but it turned out that he just had to sit it out for a day and a half and then was able to enjoy himself and get his "tan" on. it was the best family trip we have ever had........it was perfect......wish it could have lasted longer but at least we got one in!!!!!
our dinners are back to normal now. Marshall is not getting up and throwing up, or not eating or not feeling good or not sleeping.....our faces are not drawn with worry or exhaustion. we laugh alot!!!!!! we did all year too, but now the burden is lifted and the true joy is heard in our laughter around the table. we don't talk of cancer at the table anymore. we are "us" again.
i love my family so much and they are all precious little/big souls running around here.......they all have a path they must go thru and we don't know what that is yet. they are all in Our Lord's loving hands and i have to put myself there too. He loves us and doesn't want us to suffer....but sometimes it is allowed for reasons unknown to us. it's not up to us anyway. Only Our Lord knows....and that's His business and not ours. He sees the bigger picture we see a "dot" on the picture...not even that. i know souls came back to their faith bc of Marshall, souls became stronger in their faith bc of Marshall, and souls got to Heaven bc of Marshall. All his suffering was not wasted......granted, i would have not chosen him to suffer like this, but God knows what He is doing and Marshall is one heck of a young man! He is changed forever. He will never be the same. He knows what precious and that is life! He knows what suffering is and embraced it. He knows he couldn't do this alone and walked with Our Lord. He knows nothing is guaranteed and accepted it.
He knows he will never be done. He knows that every 3 months he will have to get scans.....and see if it has come back.....we will hold our breath every three months and pray for acceptance of God's will no matter what..either way. Many have to do that now. Our good friend Ashley.....her Ewing's Sarcoma came back in three months....so, they are living that reality right now. they are in the thick of it, but they are strong and hold to their faith! God has a plan for everyone. I remember when Marshall was going thru it.....us not knowing what the tumor was. i was looking at those that were fine.....and for the first time i started asking "why" i started to look at those past and present........and wonder......i made myself shutdown the "why" it's not for me to ask. it's for me to accept no matter what the outcome. now, i am the one that is fine.....and they are not.....how could i have been so weak......we don't know the future......we can't settle on giving up. you can't give up. you have to fight and fight with your faith!
every breath is a gift. every thought is a gift. every day is a gift. everyday we are given the chance to offer up our day, our Masses, our Rosaries for someone who is in the battle of their life. We are so blessed we forget how so many are suffering...and it's all relative.....we bicker about the traffic....shoot, at least we are there to bicker.....too hot outside....at least we can go outside. so many things we waste our breath on......and we miss so much opportunity on ourselves that we forget about those that really need our prayers our support and our love. i am guilty as charged.....i find myself doing that and i have to remind myself....it doesn't take long to remember my son! we forget the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus went thru......how could we forget that...and He did that for us! if He did that for us......what wouldn't He do for us now?
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