Well, Marshall is home sleeping as usual. He doesn't sleep at night and falls asleep round 3 or 4 am. He says it's seems to be very common with Chemo patients.
He doesn't look good. You can tell his counts are dropping. We are having Home Health come today to get his counts so he can see if he is able to go to the Preds game tonight. I sure hope he can go, but physically he doesn't look like it. I wouldn't be surprised if he needed a transfusion. I hope they come soon....it takes a couple of hours or more to get results, but the Clinic knows that these are a desparate need right now...They love Marshall. How could you not.....LOL
The school year is about to end, as Marshall's Cancer Treatment is coming to a close. I think we are all ready for this to be over in the physical sense. It will never be over.
The kids are playing their baseball games, I am working, Marshall is plugging along and all seems well.
I was supposed to go to a Information Coffe for Eve of Janus which Marshall in July will be the Jr. Honorary. It's a "coming out" formal for parents and their daughters. The money goes towards Vanderbilt Children's Cancer Research. I am pretty sure this is all right.....opps if not!
Marshall wants to help make more awareness to people of the need for Childhood cancer research. Did you know that 46 kids a day are diagnosed with Cancer? 2300 children and teenagers will die each year. 75% of childhood cancer is curable, but some are real sticklers and don't like to go away or not for long. At time of diagnosis, 20% of adults have showed the cancer has spread, but 80% of children by the same time have already had the cancer spread. It is the leading death in our children today. An average of 2 high schoolers a year have cancer. This is more personal....only 250 kids a year are diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma, and 1/3 have had it spread. Ewing's Sarcoma accounts for 3% of Childhood cancer, but it's the most come and malignant bone cancer.
With research we can help save these children's lives and give them a better chance at living a full life and have children of their own. The regiman that Marshall is on, was about 6 or more years ago a trial. Typically, a Chemo regiman is given every 3 weeks. That allows the body's marrow to rebuild itself back up and be ready for the next one. But with Ewing's Sarcoma it is such an aggressive Cancer that there was a trail to have Chemo given every 2 weeks and switch off with two different grouping of Chemo. I friend that I have met bc of Marshall....her son had a form of Ewing's Sarcoma and was in this trial. Bc of children like him, they were able to determine what worked better for these particular kids with this particular pain in the butt cancer. Survival rate has increased....
How can we ignore these facts based on our children? These children are our future and they are our little babies....no matter how big.....i don't a mother to stare into her son's see through skin. I don't want a mother to hate to flush her child everyday and have him hate the taste of the saline and heparin.
To see what the Chemo drugs does to these children. You can be all smiley and happy one day and feel like death the next. These kids are young but they will have an old body by the time they are done with the regiman. Then in order to heal our children as i have said before we have to kill them. we have to risk them to other cancers, and diseases for their future. so, we may save their present future but what about their future future...?
The Chemo drug "Doxy" that's what i call it, don't dare ask for the full name.....LOL is hard on your heart, so Marshall about three times had to get an EKG to make sure his heart was still strong enough to take it. and now, as all Ewing's Sarcoma and any other cancers that use Doxy...you max out. Marshall is done with it for life. BUT its the hardest and best Chemo to wipe this out. So, you see as we work towards the future and putting him in remission, the risk of it coming back is what kills them. You become limited on what we can fight this with.
Now, don't get me wrong.......I am not talking about Marshall dying on me or anything like that, but the risk, and the pressure on the body becomes so limited. It is a truth that must be looked at and dealt with.
I have spoken with other parents and their child may be in remission, but they hold their breath for 2 years. They turn blue when it comes to "scans" every three months to see if it's back. It's alot to deal with and i don't want these children to have to suffer like they do.
Yes, it's better now, and back in 1975 Marshall would have died from this. NOW he has the opportunity to survive this!!!!!! the survival rate is higher.....it still sucks for him but it's better than it was.
I don't want Cancer to be the leading death in our children. I want it to be the last cause. I don't want any cause, but Cancer is so hard. To watch a young child.......They are just beginning their lives and some have barely done that. To see infants be wheeled up in cribs and put in a room always brings tears to my eyes...i want to hold that child and love them and hug them.......i know it sounds silly, but the love i have for these children. Some kids don't have parents in their room. they have to work or have to balance the one parent family. Some live far away. Some come from hours away and it's not easy for us to just "go home" and get something. We have it so easy. Some kids are in there for 2 weeks at time or even a month. Could you imagine spending a month in the hospital and not really be able to go out? Marshall gets depressed with the 5 dayer....imagine the month?!!!!
We have got to come up with something better. I am tired of hearing the words "leukemia, sarcoma, ewing's sarcoma....etc....many ones i can't even pronounce)
I want it to be what it was before....rarely heard the word.
Also, we need to take care of these kids after! Insurance.....nope not gonna want them. What are they to do when they can't stay under their parents shield of insurance? what? pay for it on their own...along with the scans for a lifetime, and such. We have got to change this.
Maybe that is my role in life.....who knows......i am starring at a gorgeous salad that my co-worker brought in....so, my mind is now slipping and i am going to go for now......i be hungry!!!!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Ready, Set...............GO
Well, let's see.....Marshall went into the Chemo Inn on Monday, I started full time on Monday, kids had baseball practices, my body gave up Thursday night, I couldn't work Friday, and Marshall got home Friday afternoon after going to get his Tux fixed and lunch with a friend in his PJs wearing his Sperry's.....what a picture.
Today, I have already drop off one kid for baseball practice, was dropping another off to find out game canceled (fields too wet), i am getting ready, and will drop off another, then go back to watch the game. Need to shop with Catherine for a dress for a Freshman social her school is having, Marshall wants to look for a hat for Prom tonight, Colin has another game this afternoon that i have to find a ride home for him bc we will be gone dealing with Marshall, Sean i had to get him a ride to and back on his game tonight bc we will still and at same time dealing with Marshall and pictures and so forth...hate missing Sean's game....AGAIN
Man!!!!!!! but it's all good. it works out sometimes my kindergarten brain asks dumb questions, but i am used to feeling like a dork.
Also, last week two of the kids came down with the stomach bug. so, we dealing with that too......along with work, and everything else. it was a good one.....surprisingly.....quick in and out and only two got it!!!!! That's damn good if i say so myself. now, my tummy had been off since Monday but not enough to stop you and make you think your sick, but my tummy has been off for awhile now so who knows. i went to work on thursday and was so tired. I never sleep in the hospital, didn't sleep here bc of storms that one night and kept watching the tv to make sure i didn't have to take kids to basement.......i drove to hospital and was so tired.....then went to eat with brian and i didn't feel good at all. couldn't even finish my drink....and that is saying something...LOL! Brian was like.....you can't finish......? man, you don't feel good! if i had the energy i would have laughed....i just kinda phumfed....
i tried to take a little nap before getting home bc i couldn't drive. i couldn't even really drive that morning from the hospital to home, to work......i was like a drunk....LOL! not really, but just tired enough that you can tell you have to double check before you do something. and my brain wasn't noticing that when pulling out of parking lot at the light there was a green arrow to turn left (which i needed) so, when it turned yellow i stopped and saw the green light for go.......and i am sitting there.....bc my arrow is gone you know....but there are no cars coming.....poor car behind me has to honk.....LOL!!!!! i was like there is no arrow....dummy....i can go bc no cars......anyway, that night while trying to take a power nap before going home the nurses came in all loud........and don't get me started on the nurse that morning when for teh first time EVER i slept til 7:43 BUT COULD HAVE SLEPT LONGER IF SHE WOULD HAVE CLOSED THE BATHROOM DOOR TO FLUSH THE TOILET AFTER GETTING MARSHALL'S URINE SAMPLE.....don't get me started on that......oh no........not going there........so, where was i? oh, yes......outside voices.......yes outside voices.....so, i give up.....leave....brian is eating chicken tenders and fries and the smell makes me want to throw up....i have to leave and marshall says...now you know what i go thru.....so, brian told me to hold up, but i couldn't stop or i would literally collapse.....he caught up with me in elevator....i was gonna drive myself, but i looked at him and said "take me home" he did.....i felt awful.........went right to bed, my tummy was hurting real bad......had awful sleep for the 5th day in a row...but oh well.....no one is perfect. friday morning i was debating on whether to go to work. it still hurt i felt off and still soooooooooooooooo tired......i got ready for work and was sweating like a dog....do dogs sweat? and knew no way could i do anything but be in bed.....so i had to text and tell them....no money for mama....LOL i got a great nap in around 10:30 and didn't get up til 1 pm. it was a sound sleep that no waking inbetween....i never have those.......so, today is saturday and i feel better now. not 100% but better. there is a hint of tummy.....there are side issues on that one...so, not complaining......
the constant is so tiring.....it took me 12 rounds to collapse....i guess that's good......didn't make it to the finish line but could be worse. i told brian...i just wanted to collapse and give up in the hospital and let everyone pick me up and take me to a bed.....hee-hee......that's how little energy i had, but i made it and it's nothing compared to Marshall so i hate even stating my "hardships" when Marshall's is so greater...but he does need a mom to take care of him and those take their tole...at times. we are almost done!!!! Bless marshall's heart.
Marshall is so excited for tonights Prom!!!! i can't believe it. my oldest is going to Prom.....it's so exciting! even as the son and not the daughter....LOL so we are going to where they are gonna meet and take pictures......i have become one of those parents that i make fun of.........
well, i need to run...have to put on my face in time to drop off colin...well, half put it on for drop off and then come back for the finishing up in time for the game......yes, i mostly always have my face on.....LOL!!!! it's my mom's fault......although she seems to always have that perfection at all times of day where as me......i have to keep reapplying....LOL and i have two faces.....one that is bare minimum and acceptable and then full fledge face.....LOL!! to be a girl that is this way.....i need help.....
the sun is out and it's gonna be a gorgeous hot day. i am gonna enjoy it as much as i can......off i go!!!!
Today, I have already drop off one kid for baseball practice, was dropping another off to find out game canceled (fields too wet), i am getting ready, and will drop off another, then go back to watch the game. Need to shop with Catherine for a dress for a Freshman social her school is having, Marshall wants to look for a hat for Prom tonight, Colin has another game this afternoon that i have to find a ride home for him bc we will be gone dealing with Marshall, Sean i had to get him a ride to and back on his game tonight bc we will still and at same time dealing with Marshall and pictures and so forth...hate missing Sean's game....AGAIN
Man!!!!!!! but it's all good. it works out sometimes my kindergarten brain asks dumb questions, but i am used to feeling like a dork.
Also, last week two of the kids came down with the stomach bug. so, we dealing with that too......along with work, and everything else. it was a good one.....surprisingly.....quick in and out and only two got it!!!!! That's damn good if i say so myself. now, my tummy had been off since Monday but not enough to stop you and make you think your sick, but my tummy has been off for awhile now so who knows. i went to work on thursday and was so tired. I never sleep in the hospital, didn't sleep here bc of storms that one night and kept watching the tv to make sure i didn't have to take kids to basement.......i drove to hospital and was so tired.....then went to eat with brian and i didn't feel good at all. couldn't even finish my drink....and that is saying something...LOL! Brian was like.....you can't finish......? man, you don't feel good! if i had the energy i would have laughed....i just kinda phumfed....
i tried to take a little nap before getting home bc i couldn't drive. i couldn't even really drive that morning from the hospital to home, to work......i was like a drunk....LOL! not really, but just tired enough that you can tell you have to double check before you do something. and my brain wasn't noticing that when pulling out of parking lot at the light there was a green arrow to turn left (which i needed) so, when it turned yellow i stopped and saw the green light for go.......and i am sitting there.....bc my arrow is gone you know....but there are no cars coming.....poor car behind me has to honk.....LOL!!!!! i was like there is no arrow....dummy....i can go bc no cars......anyway, that night while trying to take a power nap before going home the nurses came in all loud........and don't get me started on the nurse that morning when for teh first time EVER i slept til 7:43 BUT COULD HAVE SLEPT LONGER IF SHE WOULD HAVE CLOSED THE BATHROOM DOOR TO FLUSH THE TOILET AFTER GETTING MARSHALL'S URINE SAMPLE.....don't get me started on that......oh no........not going there........so, where was i? oh, yes......outside voices.......yes outside voices.....so, i give up.....leave....brian is eating chicken tenders and fries and the smell makes me want to throw up....i have to leave and marshall says...now you know what i go thru.....so, brian told me to hold up, but i couldn't stop or i would literally collapse.....he caught up with me in elevator....i was gonna drive myself, but i looked at him and said "take me home" he did.....i felt awful.........went right to bed, my tummy was hurting real bad......had awful sleep for the 5th day in a row...but oh well.....no one is perfect. friday morning i was debating on whether to go to work. it still hurt i felt off and still soooooooooooooooo tired......i got ready for work and was sweating like a dog....do dogs sweat? and knew no way could i do anything but be in bed.....so i had to text and tell them....no money for mama....LOL i got a great nap in around 10:30 and didn't get up til 1 pm. it was a sound sleep that no waking inbetween....i never have those.......so, today is saturday and i feel better now. not 100% but better. there is a hint of tummy.....there are side issues on that one...so, not complaining......
the constant is so tiring.....it took me 12 rounds to collapse....i guess that's good......didn't make it to the finish line but could be worse. i told brian...i just wanted to collapse and give up in the hospital and let everyone pick me up and take me to a bed.....hee-hee......that's how little energy i had, but i made it and it's nothing compared to Marshall so i hate even stating my "hardships" when Marshall's is so greater...but he does need a mom to take care of him and those take their tole...at times. we are almost done!!!! Bless marshall's heart.
Marshall is so excited for tonights Prom!!!! i can't believe it. my oldest is going to Prom.....it's so exciting! even as the son and not the daughter....LOL so we are going to where they are gonna meet and take pictures......i have become one of those parents that i make fun of.........
well, i need to run...have to put on my face in time to drop off colin...well, half put it on for drop off and then come back for the finishing up in time for the game......yes, i mostly always have my face on.....LOL!!!! it's my mom's fault......although she seems to always have that perfection at all times of day where as me......i have to keep reapplying....LOL and i have two faces.....one that is bare minimum and acceptable and then full fledge face.....LOL!! to be a girl that is this way.....i need help.....
the sun is out and it's gonna be a gorgeous hot day. i am gonna enjoy it as much as i can......off i go!!!!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
keep on......keeping on
Marshall is in here for his 12th round of chemo. it's the long 5 dayer.....the dreaded depressing one for him. I hope that he can make this one as good as the last long one turned out. i spent the night last night and had my typical sleepless night. i don't know why. i always wake up around 2ish and am up for a couple of hours. didn't help that something was going on outside the door. don't remember the noise just something that was loud and woke me up multiple times in the beginning. now it sounds as if they are polishing/cleaning the floors.....lol
my mind won't shut off. brian always tell me to rest, sleep since nothing else to do in here. well, i can't do it. i stay awake like now, i could be sleeping but can't. not that i could if i wanted to with the machine outside my door.....that seems to hang around here......
i stare at marshall sleeping here in the hospital. sometimes he talks/whispers in his sleep. i wonder what he is saying...i strain to here.....but can't. he says funny things sometimes.....patrick can attest to that one.
he looks real good.....it helped with the shorter odd round of chemo round that he has now. he actually got some color in him. he wasn't so see through and grey in color....it's the chemo skin.....hollow and shades of grey and blue veins and thin skin.
sometimes he is death. the look is what i am talking about. no, he is not dying.....yes we are killing him to live, but he looks like death. his body might be weak but his spirit is very strong.
why can't i sleep? is it bc i am wondering what the future holds for all of us. is it bc i want to watch my son sleep. is it bc i love him so much that i just want to be awake while he is close to me. i love him so much. i know i repeat myself in these blogs, but i guess it's what is going thru my mind. i stare at him and wonder. how he became such a strong spirit. i am so proud as he has taken this on. although, i have no doubt that he would. it is and always was in his nature. he was born strong and confident and loving life. he was born with a beautiful smile that could only make others love him more. he was born with a spirit of kindness and selflessness towards his siblings and others. yes, to mom and dad too.
he is the perfect 'oldest' son. couldn't have asked for a better one. i would think that his siblings would say they couldn't have had a better older brother to watch over them and lead them thru life as an example.
marshall whether he likes it or not is an example and he is doing such a great job. i am so proud of him and it's an honor to call him my son. i don't deserve such a wonderful son who has to deal with what he has to deal with, but no sense in complaining. it can't and never will change a thing. it is a pointless waste of time and i can't stand it when people want to have me join in the pity party band wagon. i am not going on there, hell no. leave me alone and stop trying to depress me. i have so much to do and think about already. i don't need someone bringing me down and making me feel as if i am not doing my job.
i hope i am not a pity party. it's hard to know when to bring up my son's cancer or not. you don't want to rule the conversation or make people sad. some people don't know whether to bring it up or talk about others with cancer around me. it doesn't make me sad. i am not 'sad' in the sense i can't cope when it's brought up. it's life and if i can't handle it then i might as well give up now. i like knowing about others. i can pray for them and their families. it is so hard for the parents to watch that it's nice to know there are others around you unfortunately going thru the same thing.
i started full time work yesterday. i am nervous with all that is going on with marshall and then add of course the 6 others that have lives too...then you need to add in sickness.....lol!!! i can do it. it will work out the way it's supposed to. all i can do is do what i am doing and if it's not working then change it. God will help me see what i am supposed to do and not allow too much to be put on me. He will give me the understanding to know when it's too much. so, with me working 4 days a week is alot!! but i have a great job that allows me to be flexible. it's so close to home that yesterday i went home twice to check on the kids. one of the times was making them lunch. yes, had two sick ones home. one was better but couldn't go to school bc of the fever the day before and one was over the worst part just sitting in bed.....yes, i deal with some guilt. i haven't worked since before marshall was born and then i had to quit when i was 3 months pregnant bc the morning sickness was so bad. i was out more than i was in.
again, God has worked this all out. i was wondering what to do with aidan. i was going to have to put him in a daycare......close to my work. but now marshall is home all the time....lol.....it's weird how God makes things just work out. he didn't give marshall cancer so i could have a sitter, timing just worked out so. i was in school last january and graduated august 25th, a wednesday, and on monday august 31st i took marshall to the doctor and it was a roller coaster from then til diagnosis on october 4th. so, see it all worked out. i took marshall out of fr ryan which killed me and put him in to the public high school with catherine. i knew there was a reason......i knew it. i remember telling Brian...there's a reason God is allowing this to happen. and if it wasn't for the new school we wouldn['t have been forced to do a physical for the new school.....that was august 31st....so....it all worked out. catherine is alone at her public highschool but i can't help that and God must think it's okay bc she is still there and nothing has opened up to get her to fr ryan. marshall got a donor to pay for his senior year at fr ryan. i am very happy for him. at least he won't be the new kid for his senior year....bc he barely went to his high school. we had at least 2 doc appointments a week for that month. so he never really got to know many people.
it does make me sad that catherine won't be able to go and be around those that share the same faith, have Mass and be taught religion as a daily class. i have to again remind myself that i guess God sees it's okay. and the other kids....same thing with the other guys.. i wish we could afford to send them to a catholic school. it hurts me everyday, especially on sundays when we have to drop them off to religious ed. it makes me sad they can't go. every now and then i go into my "why" for my kids to Our Lord. my mom multiple times has said she wished she had the money to pay for the kids. she would do it in a heartbeat and had always hoped to help her kids pay for a catholic education. bless her heart for that and i know she would do that if she could.
i thank God for my mother and father being so supportive to me and brian. they have always told us what wonderful parents we are and how we are doing a great job and keep up the good work. it is so nice to hear that. you never really hear it. well, i don't....lol and it's nice to get that "keep it up doing great" pat on the back. you know? we need support verbally and emotionally to keep on keeping on....
that is one thing that my parents have given to me and brian as a couple and as parents. they have always been supportive of brian as a father and make sure they tell him how wonderful of a job he is doing. it puts a smile on my face. i am proud my husband too. i couldn't do this without him....not one bit. we forget to appreciate those around us and that we need to tell them that. your spouse can become your roommate. your children can become passers byers......(my talking...and yes i would say that......) your family you just take for granted. i have to remind myself to not do that. it is hard, but i try everyday. i fail oh yes i do, but i have to pick myself up. right now, especially with all that brian and i have to go thru...it's so important to keep us "us" i can see how easy it is to drift apart. we work hard and yes i am a pain in the butt....a lot...but thankfully he puts up with me...and i with him.....no it's not perfect but it's life and you just have to keep on keeping on.....
i am climbing a hill right now on this dirt path that is before me. it's a wide dirt path with rocks embedded in it. the kind like i drove over in our suburban on the way to the cabin. they bounce your car around and you have to maneuver around the big ones and know the ones you can go over and how to just slip down the middle just so with your tire.....yes, i was that good i had to.....with the day in and outs of driving that 30 min dirt road. there were many pot holes and 3 creeks to cross.. i guess i have pictured my present path that dirt road. there are some scary turns that on one side it's straight down. and you pray that as you go around this turn that someone from the other side is praying the same prayer and hugging their side.....lol
although i don't know where this path will end. why dirt? i guess bc life is dirty. you can always get up and clean yourself off but you will get dirty again.....hee-hee. purgatory is our bath to cleanse ourselves of the dirt that got in the cracks that we didn't see. the cabin would be the purgatory. had to take a shower after your drive sometimes bc of all the dirt that came in the car. you felt dirty. couldn't see it, but you felt it. and then Heaven would be going outside and listening to the wind blow the trees, the creek below and beside me flowing it's mesmerizing water. i would fall asleep to it all the time. i would go outside and into the forest and listen and look. the beauty around you. the sounds perfect and you knew.....Our Lord did this. no words for the calm and the beauty and the smells....
i will continue this journey on my dirt road towards Heaven. i pray i get there. i pray i help get the kids there. i pray i have my spouse get there. and i pray they all do the same for me.
i don't want to give up and just sit in the middle of the road and collect scum and dirt. i don't want to be so dirty that no one can see me anymore and i just become a part of the road. i want to be seen and i want to see others along the path. i want to wave with a smile a hello, you are not alone. letting others know they are not alone as they do the same for me. reminding me that others are on this path with us. and we will get there. sometimes the water in the creek crossing will be too high and we have to find another route, but there is always another route. one that will get you to your destination...Heaven.
i hope i can be this person. i hope i can do all i want to do. with Our Lord i can do this. i will cry some and pout some and stomp my foot, but i will do it. marshall can do it and we will do it. our family will travel this road together and help show us the way bc they see things that we don't see and we see things they don't see. my children will help marshall get thru this. they will help us get thru this.
i am so blessed with all my kids and my spouse. i am not the best mother and wife, but i love them dearly and with all my heart. i pray they know i love them and i hope that they are proud to have me as a mother and wife as i am of them.
my mind won't shut off. brian always tell me to rest, sleep since nothing else to do in here. well, i can't do it. i stay awake like now, i could be sleeping but can't. not that i could if i wanted to with the machine outside my door.....that seems to hang around here......
i stare at marshall sleeping here in the hospital. sometimes he talks/whispers in his sleep. i wonder what he is saying...i strain to here.....but can't. he says funny things sometimes.....patrick can attest to that one.
he looks real good.....it helped with the shorter odd round of chemo round that he has now. he actually got some color in him. he wasn't so see through and grey in color....it's the chemo skin.....hollow and shades of grey and blue veins and thin skin.
sometimes he is death. the look is what i am talking about. no, he is not dying.....yes we are killing him to live, but he looks like death. his body might be weak but his spirit is very strong.
why can't i sleep? is it bc i am wondering what the future holds for all of us. is it bc i want to watch my son sleep. is it bc i love him so much that i just want to be awake while he is close to me. i love him so much. i know i repeat myself in these blogs, but i guess it's what is going thru my mind. i stare at him and wonder. how he became such a strong spirit. i am so proud as he has taken this on. although, i have no doubt that he would. it is and always was in his nature. he was born strong and confident and loving life. he was born with a beautiful smile that could only make others love him more. he was born with a spirit of kindness and selflessness towards his siblings and others. yes, to mom and dad too.
he is the perfect 'oldest' son. couldn't have asked for a better one. i would think that his siblings would say they couldn't have had a better older brother to watch over them and lead them thru life as an example.
marshall whether he likes it or not is an example and he is doing such a great job. i am so proud of him and it's an honor to call him my son. i don't deserve such a wonderful son who has to deal with what he has to deal with, but no sense in complaining. it can't and never will change a thing. it is a pointless waste of time and i can't stand it when people want to have me join in the pity party band wagon. i am not going on there, hell no. leave me alone and stop trying to depress me. i have so much to do and think about already. i don't need someone bringing me down and making me feel as if i am not doing my job.
i hope i am not a pity party. it's hard to know when to bring up my son's cancer or not. you don't want to rule the conversation or make people sad. some people don't know whether to bring it up or talk about others with cancer around me. it doesn't make me sad. i am not 'sad' in the sense i can't cope when it's brought up. it's life and if i can't handle it then i might as well give up now. i like knowing about others. i can pray for them and their families. it is so hard for the parents to watch that it's nice to know there are others around you unfortunately going thru the same thing.
i started full time work yesterday. i am nervous with all that is going on with marshall and then add of course the 6 others that have lives too...then you need to add in sickness.....lol!!! i can do it. it will work out the way it's supposed to. all i can do is do what i am doing and if it's not working then change it. God will help me see what i am supposed to do and not allow too much to be put on me. He will give me the understanding to know when it's too much. so, with me working 4 days a week is alot!! but i have a great job that allows me to be flexible. it's so close to home that yesterday i went home twice to check on the kids. one of the times was making them lunch. yes, had two sick ones home. one was better but couldn't go to school bc of the fever the day before and one was over the worst part just sitting in bed.....yes, i deal with some guilt. i haven't worked since before marshall was born and then i had to quit when i was 3 months pregnant bc the morning sickness was so bad. i was out more than i was in.
again, God has worked this all out. i was wondering what to do with aidan. i was going to have to put him in a daycare......close to my work. but now marshall is home all the time....lol.....it's weird how God makes things just work out. he didn't give marshall cancer so i could have a sitter, timing just worked out so. i was in school last january and graduated august 25th, a wednesday, and on monday august 31st i took marshall to the doctor and it was a roller coaster from then til diagnosis on october 4th. so, see it all worked out. i took marshall out of fr ryan which killed me and put him in to the public high school with catherine. i knew there was a reason......i knew it. i remember telling Brian...there's a reason God is allowing this to happen. and if it wasn't for the new school we wouldn['t have been forced to do a physical for the new school.....that was august 31st....so....it all worked out. catherine is alone at her public highschool but i can't help that and God must think it's okay bc she is still there and nothing has opened up to get her to fr ryan. marshall got a donor to pay for his senior year at fr ryan. i am very happy for him. at least he won't be the new kid for his senior year....bc he barely went to his high school. we had at least 2 doc appointments a week for that month. so he never really got to know many people.
it does make me sad that catherine won't be able to go and be around those that share the same faith, have Mass and be taught religion as a daily class. i have to again remind myself that i guess God sees it's okay. and the other kids....same thing with the other guys.. i wish we could afford to send them to a catholic school. it hurts me everyday, especially on sundays when we have to drop them off to religious ed. it makes me sad they can't go. every now and then i go into my "why" for my kids to Our Lord. my mom multiple times has said she wished she had the money to pay for the kids. she would do it in a heartbeat and had always hoped to help her kids pay for a catholic education. bless her heart for that and i know she would do that if she could.
i thank God for my mother and father being so supportive to me and brian. they have always told us what wonderful parents we are and how we are doing a great job and keep up the good work. it is so nice to hear that. you never really hear it. well, i don't....lol and it's nice to get that "keep it up doing great" pat on the back. you know? we need support verbally and emotionally to keep on keeping on....
that is one thing that my parents have given to me and brian as a couple and as parents. they have always been supportive of brian as a father and make sure they tell him how wonderful of a job he is doing. it puts a smile on my face. i am proud my husband too. i couldn't do this without him....not one bit. we forget to appreciate those around us and that we need to tell them that. your spouse can become your roommate. your children can become passers byers......(my talking...and yes i would say that......) your family you just take for granted. i have to remind myself to not do that. it is hard, but i try everyday. i fail oh yes i do, but i have to pick myself up. right now, especially with all that brian and i have to go thru...it's so important to keep us "us" i can see how easy it is to drift apart. we work hard and yes i am a pain in the butt....a lot...but thankfully he puts up with me...and i with him.....no it's not perfect but it's life and you just have to keep on keeping on.....
i am climbing a hill right now on this dirt path that is before me. it's a wide dirt path with rocks embedded in it. the kind like i drove over in our suburban on the way to the cabin. they bounce your car around and you have to maneuver around the big ones and know the ones you can go over and how to just slip down the middle just so with your tire.....yes, i was that good i had to.....with the day in and outs of driving that 30 min dirt road. there were many pot holes and 3 creeks to cross.. i guess i have pictured my present path that dirt road. there are some scary turns that on one side it's straight down. and you pray that as you go around this turn that someone from the other side is praying the same prayer and hugging their side.....lol
although i don't know where this path will end. why dirt? i guess bc life is dirty. you can always get up and clean yourself off but you will get dirty again.....hee-hee. purgatory is our bath to cleanse ourselves of the dirt that got in the cracks that we didn't see. the cabin would be the purgatory. had to take a shower after your drive sometimes bc of all the dirt that came in the car. you felt dirty. couldn't see it, but you felt it. and then Heaven would be going outside and listening to the wind blow the trees, the creek below and beside me flowing it's mesmerizing water. i would fall asleep to it all the time. i would go outside and into the forest and listen and look. the beauty around you. the sounds perfect and you knew.....Our Lord did this. no words for the calm and the beauty and the smells....
i will continue this journey on my dirt road towards Heaven. i pray i get there. i pray i help get the kids there. i pray i have my spouse get there. and i pray they all do the same for me.
i don't want to give up and just sit in the middle of the road and collect scum and dirt. i don't want to be so dirty that no one can see me anymore and i just become a part of the road. i want to be seen and i want to see others along the path. i want to wave with a smile a hello, you are not alone. letting others know they are not alone as they do the same for me. reminding me that others are on this path with us. and we will get there. sometimes the water in the creek crossing will be too high and we have to find another route, but there is always another route. one that will get you to your destination...Heaven.
i hope i can be this person. i hope i can do all i want to do. with Our Lord i can do this. i will cry some and pout some and stomp my foot, but i will do it. marshall can do it and we will do it. our family will travel this road together and help show us the way bc they see things that we don't see and we see things they don't see. my children will help marshall get thru this. they will help us get thru this.
i am so blessed with all my kids and my spouse. i am not the best mother and wife, but i love them dearly and with all my heart. i pray they know i love them and i hope that they are proud to have me as a mother and wife as i am of them.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Remember
I am proud of my son for all he is enduring and the way he picks up his cross daily. The courage and faith he has is incredible. What can I say.....he is an incredible person. He is an example of how we all should take on our crosses. He shows us how to embrace it. We all have choices on how we deal with our crosses in life. We can embrace it or drag it and complain the whole way (that is an ugly and long road to pick).
We as a family have embraced this cross that has been put on us. Our heads are held up high with smiles on our faces. We see the light not the darkness. We look to Our Lord for the joy. We don't look for the pity or anger. You have to be selfless in this journey no matter what our roles are.
I have pictured Marshall walking with Our Lord as He carried His cross walking towards His death. Marshall's cancer is his cross and they walk side by side together on this journey. Our Lord watching ahead as He walks but never takes His eyes off of Marshall. He is ahead of him just a little bit to keep Marshall focused on the road ahead. the love coming from Our Lord is so consuming that it spreads way beyond Marshall and surrounds those of us around him. Our Lord is not sad, but you can see the love and joy. Love for Marshall that can't be described. Marshall is not alone physically or spiritually. Our Lord has been with us carrying His cross with each of us during this.
I feel like we have been in Lent since October. Always keeping your eye on Our Lord. I have been thinking of how the Blessed Mother felt watching her son as He fulfilled his journey as our Savior. The pain she felt. The sorrow in her eyes as she saw Him carry that heavy cross that seemed too big to carry. Seeing His body torn and ripped......yet He still stood. The pain in her heart. You know she was strong though....of course she cried....but her soul was strong and united with her son.
As a mother it is very hard to watch your son go thru something like this. I have turned to the Blessed Mother many times as I know my sorrow is NOTHING like hers.....but she understands the pain of watching and not being able to do anything. That this journey is something they alone have to do. You can't "take it away" you can't "make it go away" you can't "change anything" I pray and pray and pray. I am there for Marshall in prayer always.
During this Holy Week, please remember what Our Lord did for us. Remember Him sacrificing Himself for us. Turn to the crucifix and see. He hung on the cross for YOU! He died for YOU! What do we do for Him? How do we lead our lives? Do we walk the walk or just talk the talk?
Marshall has picked up his cross. Will you pick up yours? Walk with him. Walk with us. Walk with Our Lord.
Well, this was long and I am sorry!!!! Just alot on my mind!
Have a Blessed Easter!!!!!!!!!
Bridget (mom)
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Happy Holy Thursday! I haven't written lately. Just so much going on. I wrote the above on CaringBridge today and thought i would just copy it over here. Today is Holy Thursday, the first Mass and there won't be Mass until Easter Sunday, the Resurection of Our Lord. I want to keep in my mind Our Lord as I go thru these last days and think about what He did as the minutes go by. Picture myself there as go along today thru Sunday.
I have never been so with Our Lord in His carrying His cross. I didn't even realize it til just lately, as I thought back and how much i picture the road to Calvary. I am nothing great or grand or better than anyone else by far...but i have been almost forced to be placed at His side. This will be the most meaningful Lent of my life i can imagine. I hope that i will never forget this journey that God has placed in our path to Heaven. As i said above, I feel like i have been in Lent since October......the suffering and the heaviness that i have felt since this all started. I hope that i took and continue to take advantage of all the opportunities i have been given.
This journey is not unique. I have seen many people go thru and continue to go thru crosses like this whether it be watching a child, or going thru it personally. Some have suffered and will suffer more than me or Marshall. I have to remind myself that Our Lord only gives us what we can handle. I am not alone as Jesus was not alone as He was lead toward the ultimate sacrifice....His dying on the cross for our salvation.
The choice continues to be each of ours. What are we going to do today? How are we going to live out our faith today? Do we truly believe in our faith in Our Lord and have the guts to stand up to the day to day challenges and say "no" and say "yes" to Our Lord. It is hard being singled out and looked at for your strength. It is hard to stand up to wrong and do the right thing. It is a daily sacrifice spiritually to live your faith. Not all follow or understand. That is not the point. The point is to stand steady and remember Our Lord is right beside us. Carrying the cross as He did physically many years ago. Our crosses are nothing compared to His, but He did it for us and the least we can do is carry our crosses with Him. I don't want Him to be alone. I want to be with Him and I want to stand strong with His mother as she was with Him to the end. I will be with Marshall to the end.
I hope to years from now reflect on this journey with not pain and suffering, which of course it was/is but there is so much more to it. There were graces given to us as we walk with Our Lord. I will not look upon this time with tears of sorrow but with joy because we were never alone. I will not ask for pity for all the trials I went thru or saw thru Marshall, but thanksgiving for the son that Our Lord gave me. Marshall has been an inspiration to me, this family and so many we know and don't know. That alone is a reason that God has allowed this. This can't harm Marshall. Of course bodily it can, but spiritually is where we need to turn our souls to. Look for the good that God is seeking and seeing. No He doesn't want us to hurt, but He is so beyond our physical means that it is hard for us at times to understand why we suffer so. You can't help but ask. but who are we to question Our Lord. Do we even think we know a shred of a shred of a shred of a shred of what He knows? Why do we think we know best? Do we think He really wants us to perish? We were born with sin, but thru the Sacraments we can maybe glimpse the spiritual importance of this life. I am not perfect and am so not even close to being anywhere as holy as the Saints, but all i can do is strive to do my best and live my faith as God wants me to.
Everyday should be Lent. Everyday we should walk with Our Lord. There are days I don't want to and sometimes fail, but I get up and start again. I will continue to fall, but I am not alone. The Blessed Mother, Our Lord, the angels and Saints, my gaurdian angel are right there. Waiting for us to ask for their help in prayers. I have had to depend on asking them for many of their prayers during this. I may not get the answers I want, but I will get the courage to continue.
I want to walk thru this day as I remember what Our Lord did. I want to walk with Him. I want to remember the journey of Our Lord starting today and being so thankful for all He did for me. I may not do it well, but I will give Him all I have.
Have a Blessed Easter! Remember!!!!
We as a family have embraced this cross that has been put on us. Our heads are held up high with smiles on our faces. We see the light not the darkness. We look to Our Lord for the joy. We don't look for the pity or anger. You have to be selfless in this journey no matter what our roles are.
I have pictured Marshall walking with Our Lord as He carried His cross walking towards His death. Marshall's cancer is his cross and they walk side by side together on this journey. Our Lord watching ahead as He walks but never takes His eyes off of Marshall. He is ahead of him just a little bit to keep Marshall focused on the road ahead. the love coming from Our Lord is so consuming that it spreads way beyond Marshall and surrounds those of us around him. Our Lord is not sad, but you can see the love and joy. Love for Marshall that can't be described. Marshall is not alone physically or spiritually. Our Lord has been with us carrying His cross with each of us during this.
I feel like we have been in Lent since October. Always keeping your eye on Our Lord. I have been thinking of how the Blessed Mother felt watching her son as He fulfilled his journey as our Savior. The pain she felt. The sorrow in her eyes as she saw Him carry that heavy cross that seemed too big to carry. Seeing His body torn and ripped......yet He still stood. The pain in her heart. You know she was strong though....of course she cried....but her soul was strong and united with her son.
As a mother it is very hard to watch your son go thru something like this. I have turned to the Blessed Mother many times as I know my sorrow is NOTHING like hers.....but she understands the pain of watching and not being able to do anything. That this journey is something they alone have to do. You can't "take it away" you can't "make it go away" you can't "change anything" I pray and pray and pray. I am there for Marshall in prayer always.
During this Holy Week, please remember what Our Lord did for us. Remember Him sacrificing Himself for us. Turn to the crucifix and see. He hung on the cross for YOU! He died for YOU! What do we do for Him? How do we lead our lives? Do we walk the walk or just talk the talk?
Marshall has picked up his cross. Will you pick up yours? Walk with him. Walk with us. Walk with Our Lord.
Well, this was long and I am sorry!!!! Just alot on my mind!
Have a Blessed Easter!!!!!!!!!
Bridget (mom)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy Holy Thursday! I haven't written lately. Just so much going on. I wrote the above on CaringBridge today and thought i would just copy it over here. Today is Holy Thursday, the first Mass and there won't be Mass until Easter Sunday, the Resurection of Our Lord. I want to keep in my mind Our Lord as I go thru these last days and think about what He did as the minutes go by. Picture myself there as go along today thru Sunday.
I have never been so with Our Lord in His carrying His cross. I didn't even realize it til just lately, as I thought back and how much i picture the road to Calvary. I am nothing great or grand or better than anyone else by far...but i have been almost forced to be placed at His side. This will be the most meaningful Lent of my life i can imagine. I hope that i will never forget this journey that God has placed in our path to Heaven. As i said above, I feel like i have been in Lent since October......the suffering and the heaviness that i have felt since this all started. I hope that i took and continue to take advantage of all the opportunities i have been given.
This journey is not unique. I have seen many people go thru and continue to go thru crosses like this whether it be watching a child, or going thru it personally. Some have suffered and will suffer more than me or Marshall. I have to remind myself that Our Lord only gives us what we can handle. I am not alone as Jesus was not alone as He was lead toward the ultimate sacrifice....His dying on the cross for our salvation.
The choice continues to be each of ours. What are we going to do today? How are we going to live out our faith today? Do we truly believe in our faith in Our Lord and have the guts to stand up to the day to day challenges and say "no" and say "yes" to Our Lord. It is hard being singled out and looked at for your strength. It is hard to stand up to wrong and do the right thing. It is a daily sacrifice spiritually to live your faith. Not all follow or understand. That is not the point. The point is to stand steady and remember Our Lord is right beside us. Carrying the cross as He did physically many years ago. Our crosses are nothing compared to His, but He did it for us and the least we can do is carry our crosses with Him. I don't want Him to be alone. I want to be with Him and I want to stand strong with His mother as she was with Him to the end. I will be with Marshall to the end.
I hope to years from now reflect on this journey with not pain and suffering, which of course it was/is but there is so much more to it. There were graces given to us as we walk with Our Lord. I will not look upon this time with tears of sorrow but with joy because we were never alone. I will not ask for pity for all the trials I went thru or saw thru Marshall, but thanksgiving for the son that Our Lord gave me. Marshall has been an inspiration to me, this family and so many we know and don't know. That alone is a reason that God has allowed this. This can't harm Marshall. Of course bodily it can, but spiritually is where we need to turn our souls to. Look for the good that God is seeking and seeing. No He doesn't want us to hurt, but He is so beyond our physical means that it is hard for us at times to understand why we suffer so. You can't help but ask. but who are we to question Our Lord. Do we even think we know a shred of a shred of a shred of a shred of what He knows? Why do we think we know best? Do we think He really wants us to perish? We were born with sin, but thru the Sacraments we can maybe glimpse the spiritual importance of this life. I am not perfect and am so not even close to being anywhere as holy as the Saints, but all i can do is strive to do my best and live my faith as God wants me to.
Everyday should be Lent. Everyday we should walk with Our Lord. There are days I don't want to and sometimes fail, but I get up and start again. I will continue to fall, but I am not alone. The Blessed Mother, Our Lord, the angels and Saints, my gaurdian angel are right there. Waiting for us to ask for their help in prayers. I have had to depend on asking them for many of their prayers during this. I may not get the answers I want, but I will get the courage to continue.
I want to walk thru this day as I remember what Our Lord did. I want to walk with Him. I want to remember the journey of Our Lord starting today and being so thankful for all He did for me. I may not do it well, but I will give Him all I have.
Have a Blessed Easter! Remember!!!!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Love Life!
Well, busy with school, projects, baseball, "the Man Cave", work....and the rest of life right now...hummmm.....do i have a brain? nope....all gone.....a co-worker today listened to a call while i was at work and i was reminding Catherine that Colin had batting practice....she said...i can't even keep up with what i have to do.....i really don't do that great of a job, but i do it.....i forget.....like yesterday....sean had batting practice...ended at 6:30, told the coach that i would be there at 6:30 and if it ended early take him over to my son's scrimmage (that particular son was supposed to be there but wasn't....another story...let's just say...big ars wart was frozen on his middle finger and he was not feeling good) so, our wish granter came over bc she was dropping off stuff she had for the Man Cave....i had patrick bring the stuff Marshall had in is closet (thank goodness......) so, i looked at my watch and it was early...i had plenty of time....we were setting out...not putting up but just laying against the wall where it might go...can't do anything until furniture comes (tomorrow) so i happen to look at my watch and it is 6:45......CRAP i run upstairs......forget why?...it's my life now....don't bother asking...useless.....then of course i have two of my children...that i gave birth to.....want to go...i am like....okay, get in the car,i am leaving.......waited...they are too slow, but i wait....race....safely of course.....two seconds away to go get sean...first i was gonna send liz to go get him...then i am like i am the mom...gotta be her......so, i get out and of course.....the parents of my other son's team is like "sean is over there" i thank them.....LOL....i did tell sean's coach (he has two sons on colin's team.....yes, i know how to play it....No not really....God always works things out.......if i could just have the patience to see things thru....) so, of course he was fine...happy with an ICEY......of course another thing i have to feel bad about...some other mom paid for it...ugh!!!! the coach asked how Colin was bc of the wart (he couldn't play) i said fine...now he has a cherry on his knee from the park....so, he couldn't play ball...but could go to the park....well...that is true bc you don't have to hold a bat....swing, and catch balls and such with a glove on...if you could see this wart.....LOL poor guy...and if you give my trouble ....don't bother i already got lectured by the dermatologist...but i explained to him that i just paid off over $300 worth of bills for warts and such on various kids last year...that just got paid off two months ago......he said you can pay $10 if you want a month.....i am like...i already did buddy....i did more than that but not much....
okay, so we were to get marshall in today sometime waiting for a call for a room at the Chemo Inn....normally it's at 4 pm....lol but at 9:22 am i got a call....!!!! swung the door of marshall's door and said "get up you gotta room and it's already" i scared the poop out of him.....he told the nurses i scared the crap out of him and they asked "well, hopefully not seriously".....okay that's the life we life....lot's of sad humor...but you know what.....it's life...i grew up with a million brothers and i am not that polite of a girl....sorry....dad's fault along with all my brothers and their friends....so, anyway....i did scare the heck out of him...he brought it up a million times when we got into the room and told every new nurse....nice i feel....great...and he makes the evil manly voice that i supposedly walked in with.....SERIOUSLY? i guess so......he loves to make fun of me.....just like his dad.....they love to laugh...and i give them plenty to laugh at...but marshall....he ummmm, goes to the extreme......then he gives me his loving wink....now what am i supposed to do......you get my drift...and i sit there.....and the nurses always laugh.....and i am like....do i keep quiet or lay my case and expain that his is SOOOOO wrong..."oh, but then if i rebutle then he will do it back...i can't win......yep.........LOL
We have one night of chemo this round , it's brian's turn to spend the night.....i am finally home....furniture tomorrow......marshall has not had the best of night's i guess......darn smells....throwing up again.....at least it's just one night!!!!! they should be able to leave tomorrow late morning.....don't really know when Chemo started......they are so slow....today we got there at 10:20 (checking in) and i was rushing out of hospital room with youngest aidan bc i had to bring him......i all of a sudden at 1:30 got a 2:00 appt at work...and i had to drop off aidan where he was spending the night....we made it safe.....no worries, but they were just getting hydration going.....not even chemo ordered and they called at what time? the nurse joked that next they call and say a room is ready we have to ask "are all the orders ready too?" LOL what a joke...so, i got back to brian after work at 6:10 and still no chemo....yes, brian left work to take my place.....aidan what a hoot....i thanked him for spending part of the day with me...he said "your welcome" like okay....LOL my little guy is gonna be gone before i know it and my oldest is basically already gone....where does the time go.? i don't know right now i am just trying to find the time in between the time to make sure i get the time that i am needing to get right and that doesn't even happen...so many times, and things and such.....i am a fluttering butterfly...that's what i want to think...not really i am a galoooot....don't ask me what it is but it's clumzy and such....bouncing off borders and roads and trees...that is what i am....BUT I AM STILL HERE LAUGHING AND LOVING ALL THAT I HAVE AND ALL THAT WILL COME.....i will hear conversations....and i will be like....pthththththt....no worries.....ugh.....do i have to?...........REALLY.....okay, who can i get to help? then just flat out .....ARE U SERIOUS? yep they are.....i am fine with being a flake now...but i am worried when all is normal and i will have no excuse....LOL maybe life will be a piece of cake....i can do cancer, with 7 kids, start working, homework with kids, man cave, baseball (we asked for it...can't complain), projects, money from whatever......shall i go on?
so, tomorrow marshall and brian get home sometime in early afternoon or late morning....they will pick up aidan, i will be at work in the morning til after 4 pm. furniture being delivered at 2:30-3:30, it's gonna be a good day!!!!! i am very excited to see it all in the room......i might just move down there with the dry bar and 60 inch TV and surround sound......you know i will be down there....marshall will have to say ....mom go away i am here with my friends and we don't want to listen to music.....LOL BTW i would never do that...i have an awesome stereo system up here...in family room that vibrates the windows....ask my dad!!!! yes, i love to jam......
life is wonderful! don't you think? look at our life...we are all alive, healthy (well most....unlike one that chose not to follow...wanted to be special....lol), all my children are with us (that is a huge one.....so many don't have a child still around) a roof over our heads, children that love us (don't know why), Our Lord that is here for us at all times....can feel Him this whole time....never once douted He wasn't here...............but look at us...we are happy, laughing and loving.....we are a very happy family....well, don't look at the typical teenager/sibling stuff...i had to deal with that while i was at work....yep....loved it...but i try to nip it in the butt......not always works but one of these days these two will grow out of it.....
like i said many months earlier "I am too blessed to be broken" i have a huge smile on my face.....spring is sprouting....as I am.....new life.....Lent is among us.......we sacrafice during Lent to remind us of what Our Lord did for us........the little we do.......complain about doing.........yep....Our Lord was whipped, mocked, laughed at, spit at.....had to carry a very huge wooden cross...imagine the spinters...going/rubbing back and forth on your shoulder........the iritation.....and the splinters.....the weight He had....we are coming close to the beginning of our faith began.....Our Lord's death.....our life......Heaven.....
think about what you have.....think about what others have.......and be so thankful.....you have nothing to complain/worry about.....I have nothing to complain about......i am blessed and I will always be...no matter what happens in the future.....NO MATTER WHAT
okay, so we were to get marshall in today sometime waiting for a call for a room at the Chemo Inn....normally it's at 4 pm....lol but at 9:22 am i got a call....!!!! swung the door of marshall's door and said "get up you gotta room and it's already" i scared the poop out of him.....he told the nurses i scared the crap out of him and they asked "well, hopefully not seriously".....okay that's the life we life....lot's of sad humor...but you know what.....it's life...i grew up with a million brothers and i am not that polite of a girl....sorry....dad's fault along with all my brothers and their friends....so, anyway....i did scare the heck out of him...he brought it up a million times when we got into the room and told every new nurse....nice i feel....great...and he makes the evil manly voice that i supposedly walked in with.....SERIOUSLY? i guess so......he loves to make fun of me.....just like his dad.....they love to laugh...and i give them plenty to laugh at...but marshall....he ummmm, goes to the extreme......then he gives me his loving wink....now what am i supposed to do......you get my drift...and i sit there.....and the nurses always laugh.....and i am like....do i keep quiet or lay my case and expain that his is SOOOOO wrong..."oh, but then if i rebutle then he will do it back...i can't win......yep.........LOL
We have one night of chemo this round , it's brian's turn to spend the night.....i am finally home....furniture tomorrow......marshall has not had the best of night's i guess......darn smells....throwing up again.....at least it's just one night!!!!! they should be able to leave tomorrow late morning.....don't really know when Chemo started......they are so slow....today we got there at 10:20 (checking in) and i was rushing out of hospital room with youngest aidan bc i had to bring him......i all of a sudden at 1:30 got a 2:00 appt at work...and i had to drop off aidan where he was spending the night....we made it safe.....no worries, but they were just getting hydration going.....not even chemo ordered and they called at what time? the nurse joked that next they call and say a room is ready we have to ask "are all the orders ready too?" LOL what a joke...so, i got back to brian after work at 6:10 and still no chemo....yes, brian left work to take my place.....aidan what a hoot....i thanked him for spending part of the day with me...he said "your welcome" like okay....LOL my little guy is gonna be gone before i know it and my oldest is basically already gone....where does the time go.? i don't know right now i am just trying to find the time in between the time to make sure i get the time that i am needing to get right and that doesn't even happen...so many times, and things and such.....i am a fluttering butterfly...that's what i want to think...not really i am a galoooot....don't ask me what it is but it's clumzy and such....bouncing off borders and roads and trees...that is what i am....BUT I AM STILL HERE LAUGHING AND LOVING ALL THAT I HAVE AND ALL THAT WILL COME.....i will hear conversations....and i will be like....pthththththt....no worries.....ugh.....do i have to?...........REALLY.....okay, who can i get to help? then just flat out .....ARE U SERIOUS? yep they are.....i am fine with being a flake now...but i am worried when all is normal and i will have no excuse....LOL maybe life will be a piece of cake....i can do cancer, with 7 kids, start working, homework with kids, man cave, baseball (we asked for it...can't complain), projects, money from whatever......shall i go on?
so, tomorrow marshall and brian get home sometime in early afternoon or late morning....they will pick up aidan, i will be at work in the morning til after 4 pm. furniture being delivered at 2:30-3:30, it's gonna be a good day!!!!! i am very excited to see it all in the room......i might just move down there with the dry bar and 60 inch TV and surround sound......you know i will be down there....marshall will have to say ....mom go away i am here with my friends and we don't want to listen to music.....LOL BTW i would never do that...i have an awesome stereo system up here...in family room that vibrates the windows....ask my dad!!!! yes, i love to jam......
life is wonderful! don't you think? look at our life...we are all alive, healthy (well most....unlike one that chose not to follow...wanted to be special....lol), all my children are with us (that is a huge one.....so many don't have a child still around) a roof over our heads, children that love us (don't know why), Our Lord that is here for us at all times....can feel Him this whole time....never once douted He wasn't here...............but look at us...we are happy, laughing and loving.....we are a very happy family....well, don't look at the typical teenager/sibling stuff...i had to deal with that while i was at work....yep....loved it...but i try to nip it in the butt......not always works but one of these days these two will grow out of it.....
like i said many months earlier "I am too blessed to be broken" i have a huge smile on my face.....spring is sprouting....as I am.....new life.....Lent is among us.......we sacrafice during Lent to remind us of what Our Lord did for us........the little we do.......complain about doing.........yep....Our Lord was whipped, mocked, laughed at, spit at.....had to carry a very huge wooden cross...imagine the spinters...going/rubbing back and forth on your shoulder........the iritation.....and the splinters.....the weight He had....we are coming close to the beginning of our faith began.....Our Lord's death.....our life......Heaven.....
think about what you have.....think about what others have.......and be so thankful.....you have nothing to complain/worry about.....I have nothing to complain about......i am blessed and I will always be...no matter what happens in the future.....NO MATTER WHAT
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I see sunshine!!!!
I have been wanting to write after my last one of something more upbeat. My life is not all gloom and doom and it seems that that is all i write about.
Last week, i had to leave work to take Marshall in to get some blood.......He was blacking out and such, we got counts and shoot....they weren't much different than when he was in for Chemo his last day. His Doc went ahead and gave him a pint.......he could barely walk, and he was so busy the day before.......which is awesome and since then he has been doing so much better.
We left after "counts" to eat while we waited for the blood....takes bout an hour and a half to two to get it. We went to our usual "after clinic" blackstone! We ended up sitting outside bc it was such a beautiful day. He took off his hat and was getting a tan....LOL! I told him not to be without his hat for too long.....but he said "it will be worth it" He had the biggest smile on his face. Even while waiting for the car to go to lunch he was in the wheelchair (too weak to walk) he parked it in the sun.....blocking people, and i had to constantly say "sorry....he's basking in the sun....." they all laughed and said no prob.....they would to!
I enjoy my lunches with Marshall. I just stare at him and can't believe he's my son! i think back to things he did as a kid. He likes to do that more now too. he will ask if i remember this or that.......At lunch Marshall is his usual goof.....shooting the straw wrappers at me, but missing and hitting the guy behind me.....ohh, that was a good one.....LOL!!!!! They know us (brian and i have always gone there) but now every time Marshall and i come in, they get us "our booth" and fight over who gets to get Marshall a pillow to sit on....it's so funny. It's automatic "get a pillow" wonder if he will soon not need one?
this is an interesting journey to sit back and watch. It's not always interesting, but when things are good....it is. I watch him walk....how his life has changed......how he takes it........he is honest about things.....if i ask them. He doesn't like his life on hold........that's the hardest thing for him. I think we are all dreaming of the day when our lives begin again. I sure as heck am!!!!! The kids too.
I still can't believe my son has Cancer. wow!!! It's amazing that we are almost done and i still shake my head and think "gee, he has cancer" "his whole life has changed forever" I think about how he will have to get scans for the rest of his life, doc appointments for the rest of his life, wonder if he can find insurance to take him on. At least right now we have him covered, but when he is an adult, and on his own....it will be a struggle for the rest of his life along with many bills that they won't pay. Yes, he will be rid of the Big C, but he will be tidying up odds and ends for the rest of his life.
We as a family have all embraced Cancer. Not saying we are perfect, but think we have made it a topic that you can laugh at, joke about and at times cry about. I am so proud of the kids and how they have been so wonderful about all this. Time will tell with how it truly affected the kids in the months and years to come......hopefully Brian and i did a good job on holding the family together in our faith and home life.
I worry about how it is affecting the kids. i don't have time to do anything. everything is falling to the side......i guess i just have to look at it as "i can only do what i can do" and pray that Our Lord will hold them in His embrace and give them the graces necessary to keep on with their journey in life. I think we decided officially last night with the kids......for the summer....previously i wanted and did the whole family to go to Arizona and visit my family...it's been years....but i think we need "family time" with all we have been thru...we need to do something as just a family and spend time together having fun and not worrying about anything....so, we would love to go to the beach again....hopefully i can find a house on the beach for us......praying for that one......i am serious....i am asking Our Lord to please make this happen and please allow this to be Your will.....LOL!!!! I hope something will work out. i keep dreaming of the beach....with the kids.....we have always had so much fun.....my dream would be 2 weeks at the beach.....a week is not enough.....wouldn't that be awesome? oh!!!!! i wish it were that simple and money wasn't involved....people go all the time...2 and 3 times a year......it's so easy...nothing is easy for us...we have to spend more bc we need a bigger place....what people get with 3 other families we have to get for just ours....LOL!!!!! that's life.....i asked for it and i love it...wouldn't change it for the world!!!! so, in my prayers and am adding that maybe someone will have a beach house and offer it to us....LOL!!! isn't that selfish?
oh, and Brian and i think there really needs to be a "make a wish for parents" wonder if that would be something that could be done? think about it.....what all the parents go thru......and how it takes a toll on your relationship.......they really do need a "wish"........the time you don' t have, the emotions you go thru......the spreading yourself so thin you think at times it's going to snap....the finances....dealing with doctors, nurses, surgeons, students......having to double check everything they do......question things when you don't think it's right......staying on a floor where kids are dying if they are not in hospice..........I believe the parents do need something.............maybe that is what we will come up with....see so many possibilities.......things that can be done that only could have been done by going thru this. Marshall wants to raise awareness to childhood cancer and get more support for it and funding!!!!! i agree we focus too little on this issue and it's huge....it's the leading killer of kids.
This is like a 8 month long retreat. Constantly at your knees in prayer, thought and meditating. Life will never be the same for any of us. I hope that the kids will take the high road and use this for positive things. Take the good and lessons and help those that will face this in the future. I don't hate the Cancer it is a fact of life. Sure i don't want it to join the family, but well.....it's here.
We are so blessed.....we have so much....life could be so much worse. i wonder what my life in front of me holds? for all my children. What marvelous things will they all do? How will Marshall life out the rest of his life? What grand things will we take from the experience and help others? No parent should ever go thru this, but they do...and children daily are being diagnosed with cancer......now let's think about this.....CHILDREN ARE BEING DIAGNOSED!!!!
Not an adult, not an elderly person......a CHILD! their outlook is so different than someone who has led a glorious life. this child has their whole future in front of them. bc of cancer, they may not live as long bc of the side effects of the Chemo and Radiation......in order to save them you have to kill them. What do we do for these children and their parents that like us, will have a life long ...not battle, but i guess a war...with all the things they will have to do for the rest of their lives. I feel like i can't even complain bc of the itty bittys that are being diagnosed........i know i have said this before and maybe this is a whole repeat.
Marshall is a leader. He has a special job to do here on Earth. God has many things planned for him. I see him shining....big smile of his......laughing......and loving. He will put a face for teenagers and cancer. he will give them hope. the other day at clinic...i saw the road taken of hating it, complaining, thinking your the only one, not bothering to ask about others around them. this was an adult.....and you can see it affecting the child. it's so ugly and bitter....i am so glad that we don't behave like that. it's not all about them....it's about the children...all the children going thru this and all the parents having that in common. you are a family whether you like it or not.......your child is alive......SHUT UP!!! so sad....i just wanted to hug the kid and tell him.....it's okay....you don't have to act all tough and disrespectful at times. no wonder they all love Marshall so much.....he is respectful, he doesn't give them a hard time for doing their job......seriously....you have cancer......shut up and do what you need to do or go home and die!!!! that's what i wanted to say. I ended up saying "well, if you want chemo and get this over with...you gotta pee" i wanted to say "stop being a smartass about not peeing and go home if you really don't care" but i think he does, but with the lack of support from parents this is how he is dealing with. he is hurting.....and he doesn't seem to be getting any emotional support. he is has to be tough......and bitter...like his parent.....so sad.....
these children are our future...what you do today affects them tomorrow. i let Marshall see a movie last week and i was debating back and forth whether he could see it...i looked it up online......and i went ahead and said "yes" i asked him if it was a good movie and if i shoulda let him see it? he told me "nope, prob not..." he didn't lie......i was so proud of him and i was sad he saw it. it is so hard to keep these kids moral and not have the worldy society "be normal" to them. i am not trying to shelter them...but i don't have to make the watch stuff just bc of that......talk is out there enough......why do we have to shove sex down their little souls....that will become natural to them...no biggie.......i am not preaching...it's how i was raised and how i raise my kids....and the whining i get ALL the time bc there are no movies my kids can see...it's a shame!!!! makes me mad.....unfortunately the movie industry could care less about our children...they care about money.....so it's up to us to be the meanies.....in this battle.....how did i get on this....LOL!!!
gotta go put the sheets in the dryer and get another load going......
oh, our Man Cave is coming along. Brian and i basically finished the painting....YEA!!!! took forever..but it's looks great!!!!! glad we took our time and did it right.......bar is in...it will be stained on thursday along with the lights...we will finally have lights down there...it's been what...couple months now.....LOL!!!! carpet next week and then we are trying to get a date for the furniture/unveil day.....it's gonna look awesome and i am ready to have that room back......
now, we just need to get the rest of our lives and house work together and we would be good to go!!!! so, much needs to be done......
God Bless
St Peregrine and Blessed Giorgio Frassati, Pray for us
Last week, i had to leave work to take Marshall in to get some blood.......He was blacking out and such, we got counts and shoot....they weren't much different than when he was in for Chemo his last day. His Doc went ahead and gave him a pint.......he could barely walk, and he was so busy the day before.......which is awesome and since then he has been doing so much better.
We left after "counts" to eat while we waited for the blood....takes bout an hour and a half to two to get it. We went to our usual "after clinic" blackstone! We ended up sitting outside bc it was such a beautiful day. He took off his hat and was getting a tan....LOL! I told him not to be without his hat for too long.....but he said "it will be worth it" He had the biggest smile on his face. Even while waiting for the car to go to lunch he was in the wheelchair (too weak to walk) he parked it in the sun.....blocking people, and i had to constantly say "sorry....he's basking in the sun....." they all laughed and said no prob.....they would to!
I enjoy my lunches with Marshall. I just stare at him and can't believe he's my son! i think back to things he did as a kid. He likes to do that more now too. he will ask if i remember this or that.......At lunch Marshall is his usual goof.....shooting the straw wrappers at me, but missing and hitting the guy behind me.....ohh, that was a good one.....LOL!!!!! They know us (brian and i have always gone there) but now every time Marshall and i come in, they get us "our booth" and fight over who gets to get Marshall a pillow to sit on....it's so funny. It's automatic "get a pillow" wonder if he will soon not need one?
this is an interesting journey to sit back and watch. It's not always interesting, but when things are good....it is. I watch him walk....how his life has changed......how he takes it........he is honest about things.....if i ask them. He doesn't like his life on hold........that's the hardest thing for him. I think we are all dreaming of the day when our lives begin again. I sure as heck am!!!!! The kids too.
I still can't believe my son has Cancer. wow!!! It's amazing that we are almost done and i still shake my head and think "gee, he has cancer" "his whole life has changed forever" I think about how he will have to get scans for the rest of his life, doc appointments for the rest of his life, wonder if he can find insurance to take him on. At least right now we have him covered, but when he is an adult, and on his own....it will be a struggle for the rest of his life along with many bills that they won't pay. Yes, he will be rid of the Big C, but he will be tidying up odds and ends for the rest of his life.
We as a family have all embraced Cancer. Not saying we are perfect, but think we have made it a topic that you can laugh at, joke about and at times cry about. I am so proud of the kids and how they have been so wonderful about all this. Time will tell with how it truly affected the kids in the months and years to come......hopefully Brian and i did a good job on holding the family together in our faith and home life.
I worry about how it is affecting the kids. i don't have time to do anything. everything is falling to the side......i guess i just have to look at it as "i can only do what i can do" and pray that Our Lord will hold them in His embrace and give them the graces necessary to keep on with their journey in life. I think we decided officially last night with the kids......for the summer....previously i wanted and did the whole family to go to Arizona and visit my family...it's been years....but i think we need "family time" with all we have been thru...we need to do something as just a family and spend time together having fun and not worrying about anything....so, we would love to go to the beach again....hopefully i can find a house on the beach for us......praying for that one......i am serious....i am asking Our Lord to please make this happen and please allow this to be Your will.....LOL!!!! I hope something will work out. i keep dreaming of the beach....with the kids.....we have always had so much fun.....my dream would be 2 weeks at the beach.....a week is not enough.....wouldn't that be awesome? oh!!!!! i wish it were that simple and money wasn't involved....people go all the time...2 and 3 times a year......it's so easy...nothing is easy for us...we have to spend more bc we need a bigger place....what people get with 3 other families we have to get for just ours....LOL!!!!! that's life.....i asked for it and i love it...wouldn't change it for the world!!!! so, in my prayers and am adding that maybe someone will have a beach house and offer it to us....LOL!!! isn't that selfish?
oh, and Brian and i think there really needs to be a "make a wish for parents" wonder if that would be something that could be done? think about it.....what all the parents go thru......and how it takes a toll on your relationship.......they really do need a "wish"........the time you don' t have, the emotions you go thru......the spreading yourself so thin you think at times it's going to snap....the finances....dealing with doctors, nurses, surgeons, students......having to double check everything they do......question things when you don't think it's right......staying on a floor where kids are dying if they are not in hospice..........I believe the parents do need something.............maybe that is what we will come up with....see so many possibilities.......things that can be done that only could have been done by going thru this. Marshall wants to raise awareness to childhood cancer and get more support for it and funding!!!!! i agree we focus too little on this issue and it's huge....it's the leading killer of kids.
This is like a 8 month long retreat. Constantly at your knees in prayer, thought and meditating. Life will never be the same for any of us. I hope that the kids will take the high road and use this for positive things. Take the good and lessons and help those that will face this in the future. I don't hate the Cancer it is a fact of life. Sure i don't want it to join the family, but well.....it's here.
We are so blessed.....we have so much....life could be so much worse. i wonder what my life in front of me holds? for all my children. What marvelous things will they all do? How will Marshall life out the rest of his life? What grand things will we take from the experience and help others? No parent should ever go thru this, but they do...and children daily are being diagnosed with cancer......now let's think about this.....CHILDREN ARE BEING DIAGNOSED!!!!
Not an adult, not an elderly person......a CHILD! their outlook is so different than someone who has led a glorious life. this child has their whole future in front of them. bc of cancer, they may not live as long bc of the side effects of the Chemo and Radiation......in order to save them you have to kill them. What do we do for these children and their parents that like us, will have a life long ...not battle, but i guess a war...with all the things they will have to do for the rest of their lives. I feel like i can't even complain bc of the itty bittys that are being diagnosed........i know i have said this before and maybe this is a whole repeat.
Marshall is a leader. He has a special job to do here on Earth. God has many things planned for him. I see him shining....big smile of his......laughing......and loving. He will put a face for teenagers and cancer. he will give them hope. the other day at clinic...i saw the road taken of hating it, complaining, thinking your the only one, not bothering to ask about others around them. this was an adult.....and you can see it affecting the child. it's so ugly and bitter....i am so glad that we don't behave like that. it's not all about them....it's about the children...all the children going thru this and all the parents having that in common. you are a family whether you like it or not.......your child is alive......SHUT UP!!! so sad....i just wanted to hug the kid and tell him.....it's okay....you don't have to act all tough and disrespectful at times. no wonder they all love Marshall so much.....he is respectful, he doesn't give them a hard time for doing their job......seriously....you have cancer......shut up and do what you need to do or go home and die!!!! that's what i wanted to say. I ended up saying "well, if you want chemo and get this over with...you gotta pee" i wanted to say "stop being a smartass about not peeing and go home if you really don't care" but i think he does, but with the lack of support from parents this is how he is dealing with. he is hurting.....and he doesn't seem to be getting any emotional support. he is has to be tough......and bitter...like his parent.....so sad.....
these children are our future...what you do today affects them tomorrow. i let Marshall see a movie last week and i was debating back and forth whether he could see it...i looked it up online......and i went ahead and said "yes" i asked him if it was a good movie and if i shoulda let him see it? he told me "nope, prob not..." he didn't lie......i was so proud of him and i was sad he saw it. it is so hard to keep these kids moral and not have the worldy society "be normal" to them. i am not trying to shelter them...but i don't have to make the watch stuff just bc of that......talk is out there enough......why do we have to shove sex down their little souls....that will become natural to them...no biggie.......i am not preaching...it's how i was raised and how i raise my kids....and the whining i get ALL the time bc there are no movies my kids can see...it's a shame!!!! makes me mad.....unfortunately the movie industry could care less about our children...they care about money.....so it's up to us to be the meanies.....in this battle.....how did i get on this....LOL!!!
gotta go put the sheets in the dryer and get another load going......
oh, our Man Cave is coming along. Brian and i basically finished the painting....YEA!!!! took forever..but it's looks great!!!!! glad we took our time and did it right.......bar is in...it will be stained on thursday along with the lights...we will finally have lights down there...it's been what...couple months now.....LOL!!!! carpet next week and then we are trying to get a date for the furniture/unveil day.....it's gonna look awesome and i am ready to have that room back......
now, we just need to get the rest of our lives and house work together and we would be good to go!!!! so, much needs to be done......
God Bless
St Peregrine and Blessed Giorgio Frassati, Pray for us
Monday, March 21, 2011
These Precious Souls
I just saw the news on facebook from a mom I met thru the 6th floor, the Chemo Inn. Her daughter has what Marshall has. She is done with all her treatments, and is in remission!!!! On facebook though I saw that she posted that a little 11 year old girl lost her battle to Cancer today. I have heard that this little girl wasn't doing well......my heart!
There is so much to say when you hear of some parent loosing their little child to Cancer. You can't let it get to you. You can't live for the depressing news of another child loosing their battle, but you do have to spread the word. It's the way you deal with it. I don't necessarily want to post of facebook of another child dying, but you have to pray for their souls and the families left behind. these kids are happy and in Heaven!!! You can't doubt that......but these families are now living in what Hell is like....yearning for someone you can't ever see again....well, you will, but i don't want to get into symantics.....you understand what i mean? hopefully.....
When in the Chemo Inn it's no big deal to pass a parent crying, see them look like crap or wear the same clothes that they were the day before. you don't even flinch...I did in the beginning.....i saw a woman crying going into our first weekend....I was shocked.....now I know....it's an unspoken part of life...the grief, the fear, the exhaustion and the wonder.....
I am not sad for the child that is finally pain free as of today. she is another sould that we can ask her to pray for us. We can have her go to Our Lord for our benefit....and who could deny this precious little soul. That is what I picture. I looked at her pictures and yes she did have a contagious smile!!!! gorgeous.......little girl.
My heart cries for the family. She was diagnosed in 2006.....can you imagine? that is a long time. I know she prob had good times and assume that she was in remission at one point. i haven't read the whole journal.....i felt called to write more than i could on facebook.....so i stopped.
What i want to say is stop complaining, stop worrying, just shut up and be grateful for what is before you today! Yes, my child could die, yours could die...but shoot....we don't know so why waste your time and already being in "hell" and just stare at those beautiful eyes before you and thank God for every stinking second......we were given life by our parents as a gift from Our Lord. Those souls that are not allowed to be born, will never have the opportunity to even have a chance to love, cry, hurt and know who God is. They are denied all of that. Even though Marshall has Cancer and has 1 out of a 5 chance to survive this.....I would do it all over again. Heaven is for eternity. that's forever!!!!! this life is short.......yes, it means a lot to us I am not looking forward to dying...to be honest....forever i just can't grasp.....ever and ever and ever.....man.....all will make sense in Heaven! sowhat we suffer......no, not what i want for my child. i would rather do it, but you can sit there and bring up and think about how awful it is......and how wrong it is........which it is, but okay, fine take it away.....in order for that you would have to take away that soul!!!! that special soul......that soul that God chose to give to you. Just you!!!!! whether you, your hubby, wife, children are healthy or not......it's something that was given to us. We didn't get a signed agreement that says...your life is gonna be joyous and full of everything you desire. We are here for one purpose that is to get to Heaven! that's it...plain and simple....we are to live our lives according to get there.
i believe the cancer is a blessing. I know it sounds wierd but you know.....God is going to take everything bad or good and always use it for His benefit. Marshall is bringing people back to their faiths, he is having people praying that haven't prayed in years. He is a witness to a life with your faith and your option on how to live it. We get handed our lives and it's up to us what to do with it. People say they are so blessed bc they don't have a sick child, or one with cancer.....We are blessed to!!!! I will never doubt it!!!!
No, i believe it is unfair that these little kids have to suffer and die....i really do. I don't want to ever be that parent. it would kill me......but you know if i have to i will. so, all those parents that still have their children that have beat the odds...you are so blessed! i pray all the time....don't let that be me. don't call me to that. when we pray for the dearly departed...that is my strongest voice....don't let that be marshall. please, but i do add....if so....give me the strength.
this mother will never be able to hold he daughter again......but she got 11 years with this child and will have the opportunity to spend eternity with her, i am not making light of the situation.....i am trying to be positive.....and those of you with healthy children......you have years according to you. you prob don't even think of it.....your child dying.......it's something that a parent with a child that has cancer has to think about, has to prepare for and no matter what you can't make your mind not think about it daily. there is not a day that the one little thought doesn't enter my head. you have to train yourself to have it leave as soon as it popped in......not easy.....things will set you off, a show, heck Marshall's puck drop......anything...out of the blue....today, hearing of this precious girl......yep....went right to it......i thought of Marshall. I have had dreams of him dying i have cried in my dreams as i know i would cry. i have felt that pain in my dreams.....i never ever want to feel it in real life........EVER. like i said.....i think it's like Hell......that just popped into my head as i was writing this....miserable, in pain, sorrow, yearning for something you will never have on this earth again......i tear up when i meet a parent who has lost a child....it's automatic now. it's like you know them and you hug them, but i am the lucky one, i feel bad........and i remind myself that i am the blessed one. my cancer child is still here...breathing........he is still here!!!!!!!
people come up to us and tell us all the time "i don't know how you do it" i don't either. well, i do....it's our faith. plain and simple. i still can't explain it. i really can't. yes, i am done, yes i am stressed, yes i hate the chemo inn nights, yes i hate when it's my turn to spend the night, yes i hate seeing my son see through, yes i hate watching him eat 10 nuggets and throw up the 9 he got down and is left with one, yes i hate seeing him disappear to a skelaton, yes i want to make it better, yes i want to be the one to feel the pain so he doesn't have to, yes i want him to be the one that can go out for lunch and dinner while i get the chemo, yes i want him to be able to sit up straight and not be hunched over bc you are so tired with your mouth wide open trying to breathe, yes i want him to be able to do his household duties......
Life is a choice. I have to daily choose a path i am going to take......every day you have an opportunity. i continue to have my smile, my make up on, and dress for the day....not today....LOL!!!! i am scumming it.....hee-hee. my friend told me this weekend that "man, you look great....i didn't expect you to look so put together".....LOL!!!!! i try to keep my life as it was before.......the cancer is the only thing that has changed and everything that goes with it. Life goes on.......We can't do this alone. If it weren't for my faith, the Blessed Mother, Our Lord and all the Angels and Saints....and the millions praying for us.....nope....i'd be a basketcase......who wouldn't be.
We all have a purpose and we don't know the 'whys' but it's not for us to know. God sees the bigger picture.....have you ever noticed that people that get these awful diagnosis....shouldn't live past the age of 1, should be blind and die before 1, etc.....they have surpassed and are probably going to live longer than us.....they are strong ones they are.......they are the blessed ones...someone told me just on wednesday.
I know this is a lot of babbling......and much prob doesn't make sense.....i am sorry!
May you have a continued Blessed Lent.......
There is so much to say when you hear of some parent loosing their little child to Cancer. You can't let it get to you. You can't live for the depressing news of another child loosing their battle, but you do have to spread the word. It's the way you deal with it. I don't necessarily want to post of facebook of another child dying, but you have to pray for their souls and the families left behind. these kids are happy and in Heaven!!! You can't doubt that......but these families are now living in what Hell is like....yearning for someone you can't ever see again....well, you will, but i don't want to get into symantics.....you understand what i mean? hopefully.....
When in the Chemo Inn it's no big deal to pass a parent crying, see them look like crap or wear the same clothes that they were the day before. you don't even flinch...I did in the beginning.....i saw a woman crying going into our first weekend....I was shocked.....now I know....it's an unspoken part of life...the grief, the fear, the exhaustion and the wonder.....
I am not sad for the child that is finally pain free as of today. she is another sould that we can ask her to pray for us. We can have her go to Our Lord for our benefit....and who could deny this precious little soul. That is what I picture. I looked at her pictures and yes she did have a contagious smile!!!! gorgeous.......little girl.
My heart cries for the family. She was diagnosed in 2006.....can you imagine? that is a long time. I know she prob had good times and assume that she was in remission at one point. i haven't read the whole journal.....i felt called to write more than i could on facebook.....so i stopped.
What i want to say is stop complaining, stop worrying, just shut up and be grateful for what is before you today! Yes, my child could die, yours could die...but shoot....we don't know so why waste your time and already being in "hell" and just stare at those beautiful eyes before you and thank God for every stinking second......we were given life by our parents as a gift from Our Lord. Those souls that are not allowed to be born, will never have the opportunity to even have a chance to love, cry, hurt and know who God is. They are denied all of that. Even though Marshall has Cancer and has 1 out of a 5 chance to survive this.....I would do it all over again. Heaven is for eternity. that's forever!!!!! this life is short.......yes, it means a lot to us I am not looking forward to dying...to be honest....forever i just can't grasp.....ever and ever and ever.....man.....all will make sense in Heaven! sowhat we suffer......no, not what i want for my child. i would rather do it, but you can sit there and bring up and think about how awful it is......and how wrong it is........which it is, but okay, fine take it away.....in order for that you would have to take away that soul!!!! that special soul......that soul that God chose to give to you. Just you!!!!! whether you, your hubby, wife, children are healthy or not......it's something that was given to us. We didn't get a signed agreement that says...your life is gonna be joyous and full of everything you desire. We are here for one purpose that is to get to Heaven! that's it...plain and simple....we are to live our lives according to get there.
i believe the cancer is a blessing. I know it sounds wierd but you know.....God is going to take everything bad or good and always use it for His benefit. Marshall is bringing people back to their faiths, he is having people praying that haven't prayed in years. He is a witness to a life with your faith and your option on how to live it. We get handed our lives and it's up to us what to do with it. People say they are so blessed bc they don't have a sick child, or one with cancer.....We are blessed to!!!! I will never doubt it!!!!
No, i believe it is unfair that these little kids have to suffer and die....i really do. I don't want to ever be that parent. it would kill me......but you know if i have to i will. so, all those parents that still have their children that have beat the odds...you are so blessed! i pray all the time....don't let that be me. don't call me to that. when we pray for the dearly departed...that is my strongest voice....don't let that be marshall. please, but i do add....if so....give me the strength.
this mother will never be able to hold he daughter again......but she got 11 years with this child and will have the opportunity to spend eternity with her, i am not making light of the situation.....i am trying to be positive.....and those of you with healthy children......you have years according to you. you prob don't even think of it.....your child dying.......it's something that a parent with a child that has cancer has to think about, has to prepare for and no matter what you can't make your mind not think about it daily. there is not a day that the one little thought doesn't enter my head. you have to train yourself to have it leave as soon as it popped in......not easy.....things will set you off, a show, heck Marshall's puck drop......anything...out of the blue....today, hearing of this precious girl......yep....went right to it......i thought of Marshall. I have had dreams of him dying i have cried in my dreams as i know i would cry. i have felt that pain in my dreams.....i never ever want to feel it in real life........EVER. like i said.....i think it's like Hell......that just popped into my head as i was writing this....miserable, in pain, sorrow, yearning for something you will never have on this earth again......i tear up when i meet a parent who has lost a child....it's automatic now. it's like you know them and you hug them, but i am the lucky one, i feel bad........and i remind myself that i am the blessed one. my cancer child is still here...breathing........he is still here!!!!!!!
people come up to us and tell us all the time "i don't know how you do it" i don't either. well, i do....it's our faith. plain and simple. i still can't explain it. i really can't. yes, i am done, yes i am stressed, yes i hate the chemo inn nights, yes i hate when it's my turn to spend the night, yes i hate seeing my son see through, yes i hate watching him eat 10 nuggets and throw up the 9 he got down and is left with one, yes i hate seeing him disappear to a skelaton, yes i want to make it better, yes i want to be the one to feel the pain so he doesn't have to, yes i want him to be the one that can go out for lunch and dinner while i get the chemo, yes i want him to be able to sit up straight and not be hunched over bc you are so tired with your mouth wide open trying to breathe, yes i want him to be able to do his household duties......
Life is a choice. I have to daily choose a path i am going to take......every day you have an opportunity. i continue to have my smile, my make up on, and dress for the day....not today....LOL!!!! i am scumming it.....hee-hee. my friend told me this weekend that "man, you look great....i didn't expect you to look so put together".....LOL!!!!! i try to keep my life as it was before.......the cancer is the only thing that has changed and everything that goes with it. Life goes on.......We can't do this alone. If it weren't for my faith, the Blessed Mother, Our Lord and all the Angels and Saints....and the millions praying for us.....nope....i'd be a basketcase......who wouldn't be.
We all have a purpose and we don't know the 'whys' but it's not for us to know. God sees the bigger picture.....have you ever noticed that people that get these awful diagnosis....shouldn't live past the age of 1, should be blind and die before 1, etc.....they have surpassed and are probably going to live longer than us.....they are strong ones they are.......they are the blessed ones...someone told me just on wednesday.
I know this is a lot of babbling......and much prob doesn't make sense.....i am sorry!
May you have a continued Blessed Lent.......
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