Normally, we have done scans for the last two years every 3 months.....it was a constant emotional roller coaster......up and down and you almost were up and you would go down again. So, this time is our first 6 month scan. I loved it...you actually got to push the emotions down and keep them at bay. I have been preparing myself for today for the last month.....gearing up emotionally for the scans.....I swear you can never rest it seems. oh well, what are you going to do? Keep head up and your prayers strong!
I have stolen a glance or two at Marshall during Mass the 'few' times that he is able to go with us...sad when they get older....and....man.....I just tear up...I love that child soooo darn much! He is such a blessing and a joy and yes....a pain in the neck at times, but hey, so am I. Man....I look and can't imagine what goes thru his young little mind...what big worries and thoughts he has had to think about and will for the rest of his life. How scared he must be every time he has to get scanned. Each time can make or brake your future. His life is put on hold until he hears the word "Clean". So young to have to deal with that emotionally and physically.....We need to remember that these kids are tough as nails and are our hero's, but they are also human and have a lot of pressure and weight put on them.
Many, well all of them are such troopers and always with a smile...but they are scared and terrified and who knows what else....I mean...how would you feel every time....ok, getting my body scanned to see if I will be living for another 6 months or if this is it. Can you imagine? I can't...I can imagine from a mother's point of view....and man.....ugh! Is my son going to live and have a life for 6 more months....? Gosh, am I becoming whiny and one of those parents that depress you? I sure hope not....I never want to be that. I guess I just have to get this out every time or something. But unfortunately it is my reality....I pray I don't have to face that.......
Marshall is basically an adult and I can't just put him on my lap and hold him tight...I really want to! I really just want to hug and not let go...and cherish that feeling and love. With him being old...I don't want to make him uncomfortable...LOL At least I have what he calls me and no one can take that away! "Mommy" and the way he says it...will never forget it...it's unique and only Marshall says it that way.....that is my gift I assume....
Well, I will stop making myself tear up darn it...I love you, Marshall!!!!!
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