I see sunshine!!!!

I have been wanting to write after my last one of something more upbeat.  My life is not all gloom and doom and it seems that that is all  i write about.

Last week, i had to leave work to take Marshall in to get some blood.......He was blacking out and such, we got counts and shoot....they weren't much different than when he was in for Chemo his last day.  His Doc went ahead and gave him a pint.......he could barely walk, and he was so busy the day before.......which is awesome and since then he has been doing so much better.

We left after "counts" to eat while we waited for the blood....takes bout an hour and a half to two to get it.  We went to our usual "after clinic" blackstone!  We ended up sitting outside bc it was such a beautiful day.  He took off his hat and was getting a tan....LOL!  I told him not to be without his hat for too long.....but he said "it will be worth it"  He had the biggest smile on his face.  Even while waiting for the car to go to lunch he was in the wheelchair (too weak to walk) he parked it in the sun.....blocking people, and i had to constantly say "sorry....he's basking in the sun....."  they all laughed and said no prob.....they would to!

I enjoy my lunches with Marshall.  I just stare at him and can't believe he's my son!  i think back to things he did as a kid.  He likes to do that more now too.  he will ask if i remember this or that.......At lunch Marshall is his usual goof.....shooting the straw wrappers at me, but missing and hitting the guy behind me.....ohh, that was a good one.....LOL!!!!!  They know us (brian and i have always gone there) but now every time Marshall and i come in, they get us "our booth" and fight over who gets to get Marshall a pillow to sit on....it's so funny.  It's automatic "get a pillow"  wonder if he will soon not need one?

this is an interesting journey to sit back and watch.  It's not always interesting, but when things are good....it is.  I watch him walk....how his life has changed......how he takes it........he is honest about things.....if i ask them.  He doesn't like his life on hold........that's the hardest thing for him.  I think we are all dreaming of the day when our lives begin again.  I sure as heck am!!!!!  The kids too. 

I still can't believe my son has Cancer.  wow!!!  It's amazing that we are almost done and i still shake my head and think "gee, he has cancer"  "his whole life has changed forever"  I think about how he will have to get scans for the rest of his life, doc appointments for the rest of his life, wonder if he can find insurance to take him on.  At least right now we have him covered, but when he is an adult, and on his own....it will be a struggle for the rest of his life along with many bills that they won't pay. Yes, he will be rid of the Big C, but he will be tidying up odds and ends for the rest of his life. 

We as a family have all embraced Cancer.  Not saying we are perfect, but think we have made it a topic that you can laugh at, joke about and at times cry about.  I am so proud of the kids and how they have been so wonderful about all this.  Time will tell with how it truly affected the kids in the months and years to come......hopefully Brian and i did a good job on holding the family together in our faith and home life.

I worry about how it is affecting the kids.  i don't have time to do anything.  everything is falling to the side......i guess i just have to look at it as "i can only do what i can do"  and pray that Our Lord will hold them in His embrace and give them the graces necessary to keep on with their journey in life.  I think we decided officially last night with the kids......for the summer....previously i wanted and did the whole family to go to Arizona and visit my family...it's been years....but i think we need "family time"  with all we have been thru...we need to do something as just a family and spend time together having fun and not worrying about anything....so, we would love to go to the beach again....hopefully i can find a house on the beach for us......praying for that one......i am serious....i am asking Our Lord to please make this happen and please allow this to be Your will.....LOL!!!!  I hope something will work out.  i keep dreaming of the beach....with the kids.....we have always had so much fun.....my dream would be 2 weeks at the beach.....a week is not enough.....wouldn't that be awesome?  oh!!!!! i wish it were that simple and money wasn't involved....people go all the time...2 and 3 times a year......it's so easy...nothing is easy for us...we have to spend more bc we need a bigger place....what people get with 3 other families we have to get for just ours....LOL!!!!! that's life.....i asked for it and i love it...wouldn't change it for the world!!!! so, in my prayers and am adding that maybe someone will have a beach house and offer it to us....LOL!!! isn't that selfish? 

oh, and Brian and i think there really needs to be a "make a wish for parents"  wonder if that would be something that could be done?  think about it.....what all the parents go thru......and how it takes a toll on your relationship.......they really do need a "wish"........the time you don' t have, the emotions you go thru......the spreading yourself so thin you think at times it's going to snap....the finances....dealing with doctors, nurses, surgeons, students......having to double check everything they do......question things when you don't think it's right......staying on a floor where kids are dying if they are not in hospice..........I believe the parents do need something.............maybe that is what we will come up with....see so many possibilities.......things that can be done that only could have been done by going thru this.  Marshall wants to raise awareness to childhood cancer and get more support for it and funding!!!!!  i agree we focus too little on this issue and it's huge....it's the leading killer of kids. 

This is like a 8 month long retreat.  Constantly at your knees in prayer, thought and meditating.  Life will never be the same for any of us.  I hope that the kids will take the high road and use this for positive things.  Take the good and lessons and help those that will face this in the future.  I don't hate the Cancer it is a fact of life.  Sure i don't want it to join the family, but well.....it's here.

We are so blessed.....we have so much....life could be so much worse.  i wonder what my life in front of me holds?  for all my children.  What marvelous things will they all do?  How will Marshall life out the rest of his life?  What grand things will we take from the experience and help others?  No parent should ever go thru this, but they do...and children daily are being diagnosed with cancer......now let's think about this.....CHILDREN ARE BEING DIAGNOSED!!!! 

Not an adult, not an elderly person......a CHILD!  their outlook is so different than someone who has led a glorious life.  this child has their whole future in front of them.  bc of cancer, they may not live as long bc of the side effects of the Chemo and Radiation......in order to save them you have to kill them.  What do we do for these children and their parents that like us, will have a life long ...not battle, but i guess a war...with all the things they will have to do for the rest of their lives.  I feel like i can't even complain bc of the itty bittys that are being diagnosed........i know i have said this before and maybe this is a whole repeat.

Marshall is a leader.  He has a special job to do here on Earth.  God has many things planned for him.  I see him shining....big smile of his......laughing......and loving.  He will put a face for teenagers and cancer.  he will give them hope.  the other day at clinic...i saw the road taken of hating it, complaining, thinking your the only one, not bothering to ask about others around them.  this was an adult.....and you can see it affecting the child.  it's so ugly and bitter....i am so glad that we don't behave like that. it's not all about them....it's about the children...all the children going thru this and all the parents having that in common.  you are a family whether you like it or not.......your child is alive......SHUT UP!!! so sad....i just wanted to hug the kid and tell him.....it's okay....you don't have to act all tough and disrespectful at times.  no wonder they all love Marshall so much.....he is respectful, he doesn't give them a hard time for doing their job......seriously....you have cancer......shut up and do what you need to do or go home and die!!!! that's what i wanted to say.  I ended up saying "well, if you want chemo and get this over with...you gotta pee"  i wanted to say "stop being a smartass about not peeing and go home if you really don't care"  but i think he does, but with the lack of support from parents this is how he is dealing with.  he is hurting.....and he doesn't seem to be getting any emotional support.  he is has to be tough......and bitter...like his parent.....so sad.....

these children are our future...what you do today affects them tomorrow.  i let Marshall see a movie last week and i was debating back and forth whether he could see it...i looked it up online......and i went ahead and said "yes"  i asked him if it was a good movie and if i shoulda let him see it?  he told me "nope, prob not..."  he didn't lie......i was so proud of him and i was sad he saw it.  it is so hard to keep these kids moral and not have the worldy society "be normal" to them.  i am not trying to shelter them...but i don't have to make the watch stuff just bc of that......talk is out there enough......why do we have to shove sex down their little souls....that will become natural to them...no biggie.......i am not preaching...it's how i was raised and how i raise my kids....and the whining i get ALL the time bc there are no movies my kids can see...it's a shame!!!! makes me mad.....unfortunately the movie industry could care less about our children...they care about money.....so it's up to us to be the meanies.....in this battle.....how did i get on this....LOL!!! 

gotta go put the sheets in the dryer and get another load going......

oh, our Man Cave is coming along.  Brian and i basically finished the painting....YEA!!!!  took forever..but it's looks great!!!!!  glad we took our time and did it right.......bar is in...it will be stained on thursday along with the lights...we will finally have lights down there...it's been what...couple months now.....LOL!!!! carpet next week and then we are trying to get a date for the furniture/unveil day.....it's gonna look awesome and i am ready to have that room back......

now, we just need to get the rest of our lives and house work together and we would be good to go!!!! so, much needs to be done......

God Bless
St Peregrine and Blessed Giorgio Frassati, Pray for us