Eyelashes.....Gone

Well, I haven't written in awhile.....I have been busy with either thoughts, emotions, physical crap, work, house, home (is there a difference?  yes there is) I noticed while at the ER that Marshall has lost his eyelashes.....and most of his brows....he was trying so hard.  I noticed it this weekend when I was tending to him....when not feeling good.....ugh!!!!! he tried to not touch those brows and such....this is it...the battle is front and center.  We are facing it right on!!! no side stepping, denying......imagining.....IT'S HERE.  the ugly head has reared it's head and it's here to kill and defeat.....it's wants blood....it's taking all anybody has to give....I see it, I feel it, it's not pretty...but here we are...and we are in battle positions.....I will go before my son goes!!!!!  I will fight before and in front of my son.....this thang.....ain't seen anything yet.....I am a woman, I am a mother....and I have fury.....don't mess with me!!!!

Anyway, Marshall is in the hospital and I am home, Brian is there with Marshall.  He not doing good....really not.  He hates this place and I fought to have him not stay the night....yes, I pouted......you bet I did and Brian was the mature one saying...yes, we need to stay rather be safe than sorry....Oh, I want to be safe...but saw and see the pain in Marshall with the news.....wish I could take it from him.....It's like our Mother Mary.....watching her son, beaten, mocked, spit at, laughed at, stomped at, whipped at, pushed at, pulled at, heaviness, burden, all that weight on the cross that He carried at the end....so much, so hard, there is something I want to add, but my husband came up with this beautiful comment and I can't take that away from him even though it flows so perfectly in what I am talking about....but I told him I wouldn't take it from him.....did I mention that it flowed so well and it just came....LOL (yes.....this is hard to hold back......it was so perfect and natural...a promise is a promise...) love you, Brian!!!!

point is....hmmmm life sucks right now, and even Our Lord had a hard time.  I am not saying that Marshall compares to what Our Lord went thru....no way!!!!!  I would anyday.....take Chemo....rather than be hung on the cross to die....that is why we hold Our Lord high....what He did for us.....all that He did for us.....all that He did no matter how hard it was....He did it for us........he faltered a tad....well, questioned....but never, ever.....ever, ever....gave up!!! that is what we look towards.....I can't talk for Marshall, but you know that that is what he is looking at....we are humbled with what we are going thru right now.  who can't be?  seriously......????? it's hard, but you look at your life....are you okay?  can you handle it?  do you have a choice?  of course you do?  so what now?  well, move on!  what else is there?  sit down and die?  Hell no...Our Lord sure as heck didn't!!!! so neither will we!!!  we have so much to offer up as my father reminded me....so many souls in purgatory, and those here on this blessed earth that need our prayers more than we do......offer....offer....offer....offer....up!!!!!! that's what we do.  every time I get mad.....that things aren't done like I want them....I would rather not go into detail...so as not to discuss each and every moment of our life.....it's a "you have to be there" thing....and I know people want the truth, but seriously....I would prefer it kept a little quiet right now... I am not going to discuss certain aspects of our lives right now bc they are getting harder.  and yes, I am sooooo human....and I get uptight at times.....I am not perfect and yes, kids should be doing certain things....that are not, but I let things slide now bc of our situation....my fault....maybe........will I accept fault....youo bet I will.  I am doing the best I can with what I have been faced with.  Has it caused disruption with the WHOLE family....duh!!!!! yes it has.......one wants to give this, the other wants to give that, then one wants to hold back on this, but then the other wants to hold back on this....is it stressfull......hell yes......it's frustration...on every front.  are we good.....yes....not to say that there is no yelling, but yes.....life sucks right now....we are hunkering down for the worst....and it's getting worse......then when you got mad at something that Marshall did or didn't do.....and then you look back.......are you sorry?  do you stand firm?  was it right?  were you wrong?  were you right?  well, he is a teenager.....and most probably he is wrong most of the time!!!!!!  face it!!!! how many times were you right as a teenager?  fighting for what you wanted to do?  but we have "life"  to consider....that's the hard part....do you let him go out?  did he tell you all he was going thru?  looking back would you do it again?  did you listen to your gut?  did you listen to your wife?  did you listen to your son?  did you listen to your husband?  did you listen to your daughter?  did you listen to your other daughter?  did you hear your other son?  did you answer you other son?  did you hear what your other son said?  did you remember to do what your other child asked?  did you respond to your other child?  did you get the cleats, mitts, baseball/softball bags......?  did you?  did you ?  should have kept your kids home from a movie? 

these are the things that go thru my mind......on top of all that is going on....our "man cave"  yes....we kicked the kids out a month ago and it hasn't been finished with painting.....they can't really go down there.  we had to take out the lights.....i asked one of my kids to go and get me the vacuum and he asked "will i be able to see?"  LOL!!!!! we lost a 1/3 of our house... the playroom....for our 7 kids...granted not all seven play down there...but you know what I mean.....it's been hard and we are working thru that.....it has added a lot of stress on us as a family......you should here the comments.....LOL but we have to remember that it's for Marshall......and he so wants this Man Cave.....we will get there...it's one breath at a time and one second at a time. 

I go thru high and lows.....hmmmm...could do without the lows...seriously....do I have not enough to deal with?  apparently not....who am I to argue.....I am not going to do that....I can do this....I am doing this....and I will do this....anyone who doubts....hell no!!! don't go there.  there is no despair....it's what the devil wants and if your like me...you are not going to give him a darn thing to smile about.  if anything....I want him to be upset, mad, furious.....pissed, fisted.........and angry bc I/we didn't flee to him during this time!  I ain't going there.......neither is anyone else if I have any say in it....you can do it!!!!

Chin up, prayers up, offerings up........love up, understanding up, forgivness up........keep it up!  you will and can do it.  you can be pissed all you want but what is it good for?  where does it get you?  pissed and possibly without the ones you love and lonely trying to find a place to live...but no place will have you....bc you are so bitter, angry and ugly....stand up...be proud, and face life like it has faced you.......God is here!  He allows things to happen....shut up and go with it!!!!!  don't complain...okay, you can cry...I do....my mini seconds.....you can be pissed but be reasonable....don't depress all around you....we all have our problems......I welcome people that come to me to talk about their problems......people are afraid to talk to me about them...but WE ALL HAVE THEM!  on different levels.....what my level is may be the same as your level but to you it's a different level...get it.....?  I am where I am .... I am not fragile, or going to break!!!!!! I am strong and I will survive.....I want to be there for my friends, but friends won't let me in bc they want to be nice and not burden me.....well, I am burdened with not being burdened!  I am burdened with the fact that I can't be a friend anymore bc my child has Cancer.....yes....it's tough...stressfull.....I can handle being a friend still...I want to be a friend still......just don't put a pressure on me like "hey, you want my 11 kids for the week?"  things like that......LOL  okay, those of you with those kids. ....you know it's a joke and you would never do that......love you all!!!!!! 

Just bc we have a child that has Cancer doesn't mean we don't stop living....we still want and need to be needed....we still need to be talked to and listened to....we still need the acceptance that we ask of you......I am fair and what I expect of a friend and what I expect a friend to expect from me!!!!!

I was told AGAIN tonight that I looked like "Mariah Carey"  if I can do that.....I can take anything......LOL!!!!! my husband told me when we dated that I looked like her....I never and still don't take it as a compliment.....LOL!  okay, I am hard on myself.......don't ask....anyway, no offence to her....or those that compliment me.......let's just say.....I don't like it....LOL!!!!! poor Brian....he is so proud and I wimper.....I love her......believe me....maybe it's bc she looks so much like me that's what I don't like...that's a whole other issue....so don't want to get into that!!!!! Help us all....yes, I am insecure....yes, I don't like compliments.....yes, I can't stand a lot of stuff......I want to be hidden...and funny thing is.....this Cancer.....has brought us out whether we like it or not.....maybe that's it....?  but this is not the forum that I created to be discussing this.

Okay, do I delete?  does it mean something?  it just something simple ?  probably....so gonna keep it even though I really don't want to....gonna be bold and let it stick.....

Blessed Giorgio Frassati, and St Peregrine, pray for us