i am up....don't know how....i guess all us mom's just are able to do things we really don't want to do. Marshall is falling back asleep. it is 9:35 am on Monday morning and marshall's chemo is done, and he is so close to being unhooked from "peter" forever....hopefully! marshall got his last chemo last night around 12ish in the morning and then at 3:30 am the nurses came in and were counting down the last milliliters.....it was hilarious....they wanted to do a normal countdown 9...8..7.....but it had to like this 7.................................6 (nope).....................6.....................................................................................5......(not yet)............
it was so funny....and the last drop finished at 3:36 am!!!! man...what a word. DONE!
i am not as emotional now. i have gotten better since yesterday. i think i have come to terms with what this all means and is. for me it's always hard in the beginning but then i give it time to sink in and i am ready to go. i can do this!!!! i so can do this!!!!
I won't let the unknown waste my life away. i will continue to pray and have faith that Our Lord is with Marshall. i know He is, but it is still scary.
we have reached the end and a new beginning. as marshall gets up, showers, gets dressed, unhooks, and walks out of here....these steps are steps that have never been taken by this family. we started this as a family and we will walk this as a family.
I want to thank the Blessed Mother for being with me during these trying times on me. as a mother of a large ( i guess....kinda small to me) family, settling into working for the first time in years and taking care of marshall, you were there. i felt you daily, hourly, every minute and second. you never changed the image i have of you in my head as i had of you when i first moved here and cried my heart out for my mom that i missed terribly and still do.
thinking about that....hmmmmm. i have always done things alone in my family. it's funny, you can be the oldest of 11 kids but still do everything by yourself. i walked across the desert by myself in kindergarten to wait at the bus stop. i was the first to graduate, i went to trivium a school in Massachusetts for my junior and senior year in high school.....by myself...i crossed the country three times a year doing that all by myself with those big planes, and bigger airports......i went to college (now that's no biggie) but i was alone living in nashville, not knowing a soul or the family i roomed with while there....man, did that change....LOL
i was the first to move away permanently......let me tell you....being 8 months pregnant with your second child and leaving your family to move to where your husband is from way, way, way far away......ugh......i will never forget that pain that i felt. i still have some of that pain bc i miss so much at home. all the nieces and nephews, parties, sacraments......weddings.......all that....anyway, that is not the point here, i am getting off topic, but i did it first and alone in a sense of not having my family with me. i did have my husband and my marshall in the backseat, but brian was happy.....i wasn't....lol! so i consider it "alone" for the point. i always wondered why i did everything alone, and all. my other siblings always had one or two other siblings with them at trivium for their high school years...so they had someone to fly with, stay with and a family member to talk to. i remember my first year at trivium. i racked up mom and dad's phone bill to over $300.00 i think...or more. in those days long distance wasn't free.......we didn't have cell phones....then either...gosh, i am talking about the "good ole days"
i wonder if my journeys that i took "alone" with no one to be there with me, were in a sense a guide and setting for this right now. the unknowns of this cancer with marshall and never experiencing it before...i didn't know, like i didn't know what was to come when i did all i did growing up alone. i was the "setter" for the whole family....not that anyone is going to follow in my footsteps...well, let's hope not!!!!!! this is one pack i don't want to be the leader of....that's for sure!!!! i would rather it happen to me than anyone else.....let's keep it this way.
granted i am a whiner and am so not perfect. brian has been so strong thru this. he too was being prepared for this journey also. i really believe that. he was like me as he had to do somethings....by himself....also, brian is fearless...he has been such an inspiration to me. he held my hand when i needed it, he held me tight when i needed it, he soothed me when i needed it......he also massaged my feet when i begged..... :0)
no matter what i do, or what happens from now on....i will remember to always think of others. i will not talk only about myself, and my sorrows, i will take time to see that others need an ear. i know i have been one of those many times thru this. where it's all i talk about......you gotta get it out somehow and a friend or family's ear is so nice to have. although i hated using them.......i hated complaining, but there came times where i just had to. i held it in so long. or you try not to let it bug you but it just doesn't work.
marshall did it. i can't believe it!!!! yes, i can, but i can't believe it's over.......of course, everytime i say it's over...i hear a voice in my head say "it never will be, but i know what you mean" great...now i am hearing voices and they are talking back to me.....LOL
cheers to marshall for being such an inspiration to so many. cheers to all those that have continued to keep him and us in their prayers, Masses, petitions. cheers to those nurses that took such good care of marshall, cheers to the doctors that did all they could and listened when we cried, yelled and misunderstood or had no understanding. cheers to my husband for doing this together and being my rock. cheers to catherine for being mom so many days and nights while we were in the hospital. cheers to all my kids for helping out and doing what you were told (MOST OF THE TIME). cheers to all those that put up with my parent's chemo brain of a child's chemo brain for all the misreading, misunderstanding, totally dropping the ball, just flat out forgetting... cheers to the many people/friends/family for meals, babysitting, driving, picking up, gift cards, etc.....we could not have done it without you all.
words could and can never express the gratitude we feel. it is so humbling. there is so much to be thankful for. the list goes on and on!!!!! i am going to remember (not always) to be thankful, look at the bright side....things could be so much worse, don't dwell on the 'why' just embrace and move on, laugh, love, and remember Our Lord is tending to His flock....He always will. so no matter what, we are in God's hands. we all have a story to tell. it's up to us how we are gonna tell it. how we are gonna live it. i get chances everyday and minute on how i am gonna tell my story. am i gonna do it with a smile and hope or bring them down and feel sorry for me. marshall is an inspiration as to how to embrace this huge cross that was given to him. always with a smile, while laughing and making a joke of it, but serious when need be. he never lost his faith, always had hope and shared his love!
very soon we will walk out of this room, this floor, and those elevators......
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