I can't believe as brian put it.....after 7 months and 22 days Marshall is at the end. Marshall went in yesterday and got a room good and early (compared to when we have in the past) by the time i got there that night he had already finished his first of five. With his 5 dayer the Chemos he gets every 20 hours and there are five of them. At this point he should be done Monday afternoon some time.
Yesterday as Brian was taking Marshall to Clinic and be with him for the day, i went to Sean's (my 1st grader) class performance. It was great!!!! I sat alone, not knowing many and i sat with Sean. I cried...i did a great job holding it in!!!! but i had to command my eyes to stay big and tears not flow. I was holding his hand, our fingers were intertwined and he was resting his head on me. This is my 6th child.....and i haven't seen much of him. I do, but my mind and with all going on....have been not truely there. i miss him. I miss all my kids.........
I was an emotional day for me and today seems to be in that same catatory. Maybe it's the let down. The end (basically) the end for Marshall bc he doesn't count the 2 weeks of radiation.....hee-hee
Maybe i am finally letting down my barriers and walls. i have no clue but i just want to have the biggest cry. a cry of pain, sorrow and joy. a cry of relief that i don't have to watch my child suffer from this chemo any longer....God willing!
I know it's not over for us and it will never be. but this first step is over!!!! I guess Marshall's doctor came in and spent a lot of time with him and brian. explaining the future and seriousness of it and the emotions and feelings that go with it. the every three months of scans for the first 2 years maybe more, then the once a year. he told marshall you will see me til the day you die!!!!! i am with you for the rest of your life. he told him about all the secondary cancers he can get bc of this, and the heart diseases he can get.....bc of this. yes, nice and cheery!!! but reality unfortunately. All the poor dude wants is to get a tan and hair!!!!!!
i am gonna miss the nurses like crazy. you share so much with them. you give them your son to take care of while there. you trust them with your son's life and that is a huge responsiblity. of course your eagle eyes watch every move.....so you can never relax. they take care of you and marshall and will do anything for you. go to the doctors for you, question them, ask them and give you the answers. they are heros to us in the Chemo Inn
Oh, speaking of the Chemo Inn. Last night i went up to marshall's room. he has about 5 friends up there, they decorated the room and he has this HUGE pointed party hat on......and he was talking, laughing, playing guitar...and in a walked comes this precious little 15 month old girl!!!! beautiful. i just wanted to pick her up and kiss her and hug her....she has A.L.L it's leukemia....a form of.....anyway, she would come and go, Marshall would start to play guitar and then she would turn around and leave, then stroll back in.....she has a hickman just like marshall. so i asked what it looked like. didn't know if they had mini hickmans......nope! the thing just wrapped around her mid section......LOL!!!!! the thing was probably as long as her....beautiful eyes, they were blue...no hair but it went with her age....chubby fingers in her mouth.....i think the mother said about another year left for them hopefully.
i can't believe it's coming to an end. in the beginning it looked so far away and the unknowns of what we all were about to go thru as a family, individual and participation. I am almost done with having to flush marshall every night!!!!!!! i know he will be glad for that.
i cried earlier and my heart hurt, physically hurt. i never cried much thru this. little bits here and there and a couple of let downs.....brian and i last night during dinner together....cried. i told him that i had a bad emotional day and just wanted to cry all the time.....here i am waxing a brow and i had to demand i not cry. i think i am on the brink of collapsing....hee-hee i don't know if i can hold on much longer.....AND I HAVE TO WORK TODAY....nice!!!! i haven't allowed myself to be weak a lot of the times during this. i had and have to be strong. you have so much to do, and little ones that you can't scare and you have to put on a good face for them. a strong face for them. strong arms when they cry, which i think we have had little moments with few let downs. most of the kids probably don't grasp the true nature of what marshall has and is/has gone thru and will have to for the rest of his life, which is good. i don't 'want them to. i want them to live in LaLa land for this. no need for them to think about it and marshall.
i have no words my joy for marshall finishing up. his smile.....the whiteness......oh, speaking of marshall. the other night i was heading out to a baseball game and marshall had taken my credit card to fill his car up with gas. so i was down in the basement at the bottom of the stairs and marshall was at the top. i was like "hey, can i have my card before i forget." sure....he said....so he puts the card between his first two fingers and he is going to fling it down to me........he gets ready, some wrist action for the swing and let go...and he sails it off....well let me tell you.....IT SAILED OFF!!!! and the corner of the card nailed me in the head....i was shocked...marshall was shocked......it hurt like hell....so i stormed off so not to cry in front of him...and as i was getting into the car i lifted my hand from my head......I'M BLEEDING!!! man..... i got a little "pop" open in my head.....and that was 2 days ago and it is still sore.......i forgot about it yesterday morning and i scratched my head....bad decision!
i better be going...i might write more later as this last round goes on. i must get some things done before work today.
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