deflated

I went to work yesterday hoping to get a call and tell me the words "remission"  it's what every parent wants to hear and expects it.....My 10 am client had to move to 12 pm.  i was mad, bc i had just walked into work and had 2 hours to do nothing, about 10 minutes later marshall's oncologist called.  He apologised for not calling last night, i never expected it......and went on to tell me that they didn't have all the official results/reports from the PET and the MRI, but looked okay, and that the bone was good, but........silence......and he went on about a nodule/tumor that has been there since the beginning and they have been watching it....well, it did grow.  so, we don't know what it is.  and only way to tell is surgery.  my heart sunk........a couple of friends have been using the term "deflated"  yep.....i was like an accordian releasing all the air.....but i handled myself really well on the phone with him.  said we were gonna come up with a game plan, and have some options, but we will get together tomorrow (today...now) and all sit and talk, go over the scans and figure out what we are gonna do.

when i called brian to tell him, it hit me then as i broke down and when i was telling him, i was realizing the possiblity that sure it can be just an infection and no biggie or something much greater with stakes i don't even want to think about......so, i let brian know, then i called mom.....darn it...think the whole building heard me balling.....i couldn't contain it......i guess when you talk to your mom that's what happens.  she holds you and takes care of you and need her....this was over the phone of course.....felt bad for my mom....she couldn't do a thing...then she told me to call dad that he would like to hear it from me....so i called and i told him.....

i tried to stay at work, it was creeping up to 12 pm and my clients were adding up........i was gonna try, but i kept crying.....and bless my co-workers they would come in and give me a hug, and of course i would cry allllll over again....my eyes hurt, my cheeks hurt, my heart hurt......

i left work and brian and i met somewhere to see eachother and wait for marshall to get home to tell him.  he took it so well......i wish i could be strong like him.  i really do.  there is nothing we can do, praise God it's operable.....so there is hope......it's just another waiting game to see what it is.  and it's probably nothing, but as a parent you remember what the doctors told you in the beginning about how aggressive this cancer is and it coming back....well, shoot whatever this is never left...so your mind starts wondering and it's so stinking human....darn it!!! now, i don't break down in front of him.  i fell apart all day long behind the scenes.

yesterday, was the first time that the word "why" came in my head, but i told it to go away.....but it's creeping in my head....i can't....i can't....i can't......i have come this far, we have been taken care of and will continue to....but let me tell you.  this is the most scared i have been thru all of this.  i am absolutely terrified........my heart won't stop beating fast, my mind won't turn off the possiblities...i want answers, i want to sleep again.....i want to scream...i want to grab marshall and run...run...run....as far away as i can and get away from all this.  i want to take him to a safe place and just hold him.......he's my child, my husband's son, he's his siblings brother......etc......he is loved by so many and prayed for by millions.....

Our Lord will be with marshall, brian, the kids and me as we yet again walk thru another door with unknown certainties for just a little bit.  i will be patient.....yeah right!  i just thought we were done.....simple as that.....well, this flat tire is gonna go meet with the doctors......until later!  pray for us