I have so much to say...where do i start....well, i was gonna start about 2 hours ago...it's my night to stay at the hospital....beats being home alone...i had scary dreams last night...lol...well, it wasn't fun sleeping last night with me all alone in the house by myself....beside the point.....
i am tired.....have i ever mentioned that before? i worked today, and then went to the hospital and had to meet brian outside bc marshall had visitors....2 per room....and he had two....so brian and i went to get something to eat....came back...we picked him up 10 nuggets.......on the way back.....brian left....i am still tired by the way......i missed a call from brian telling me that marshall has visitors coming up the room....while that was going on i was getting my face ready for the night, just put my hair up...i looked at the toilet and marshall had thrown up while going to the bathroom......it happens it's life unfortunately for him sometimes......
so he threw up 9 nuggets...he said "well, i went from eating 9 to 1...." have to see the humor.....
so, i have to go so bad, i have to reput my make up on bc he has two friends coming up........i just wanted to get in bed and read.....so.....they eventually get here and i leave.....off to go get a drink....marshall says thirty minutes.....where else am i supposed to go at 8 pm at night. can't go outside in the gorgeous weather and read....no biggie.....i see a mom that her daughter has just come up here due to a fever and a nose bleed.......we are neighbors...they are next door to us.....so, i saw her bringing in her things was i told her i was getting kicked out.....then i come back it was time...i gave him 30 minutes......then he tells me he was having fun and didn't want them to leave....told him next time let me know.....before he wasn't in the mood but i guess he got in the mood....so....i need to get more diet coke.....i ask him if he needs anything...says bottled water....okay, call brian and ask where to get it at almost 9 at night...."family room" he says outside the door....so, i take my cup....refill my diet coke, go into the room and for bottled water it costs $1.25....i whip out my 2 ones.....crap...it's a 1 and a 5.......LOL....so, i go back to my room and swap out the 5 for a 1.....i go and it's all good....as i am going back i run into the mom again......."our neighbor" her daughter has what marshall has......they have become buds....we pass by at clinic and all....anyway, we go into 6B together and i told her i had to go back and get the correct change...we are chatting, we stop at my room door and i am asking about her daughter, we are talking about the doctors, what time we get up...telling her if she needs someone let me know...i am here all night.......we chat for about 5 min....i am tired. by the way......and she goes off to her room....we are neighbors........i open the door that we have been chatting at for 5 min now.....and i stop.......i am looking at two parents, they don't look to happy and an adorable little 5-7 year old boy in the bed.....i say "Omgosh, i am so sorry....wrong room......i am crouching.,.....knees bent...arms out....bottled water in hand.....bc i went in like i normally do....bump the door with my butt so not to touch anything....i continue with the "i am so sorry.....wrong room....." again, spaced out faces and expressions....they say nothing...the boy just looks and i just leave.....i quietly close the door and go "next door" then it all clicks when i see the mom going two doors down...duh!!!!!
this whole time i have been here i have wanted to go into that room....for some reason i keep thinking that that is where marshall is...nope!!!!!!! only me........
so, embarrassed as i am...i go in and laugh and tell marshall call brian and tell him he is so not surprised.......i get ready for bed...i am going to write in my blog....marshall asks me to massage his foot....i hate feet....the smell the feel......i touch brian's with the tip of my fingers and go....ok....done.....but i have done this before and only for marshall....you know i love him when i spend an hour very gently rubbing his inner foot and his big toe...not to hard and not to soft but more on the not to hard part...
marshall put in one of the DVDs of the preds game that he was the ambassador for....i laughed....it's all the footage of them following him around.......at one point marshall was on the zambonie (it smooths the ice down....during the intermission.......so, colin was playing musical chairs on the ice and i see the huge zambonie coming towards us....and i comment how huge it is.....and it passes us........now, we are watching the DVD and i see this.....you actually hear me laugh and marshall is saying...that's my brother...that's my brother.....the two of us had no idea we were there.....LOL! i stared at that thing....i guess i was so engrossed in the hugeness of it all......
there are other things too....but it was fun to watch some of the footage....with marshall's nurse.....
i am so tired........i forget what i was going to write about.....i guess this is what was meant to be...hopefully it will give you a laugh......cheer someone up.....that's what i do best.....mess up....flub up.....and always say the wrong things......and everyone laughs...i am good......i am okay with that....heck...i laugh........just wish sometimes it wasn't me....ALL THE TIME
Friday, March 18, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Exhaustion
Wow!!!! that's about all i can say for this last week....we went from the previous weekend with Marshall not doing well at all, to a spend the night at the Chemo Inn, to him recouping, life moving on, me working, me saying i will work for a coworker on saturday for her, to rushing home to get ready for the Preds game and Marshall's Puck drop, to the game being a blur, not getting home til 11 pm, to Sunday, Mass, watching Colin's baseball game, getting home, painting the basement (Marshall's man cave) and today we have clinic to get Marshall's counts for Chemo #10 on wednesday, then tonight we go to BF Myers Furniture to pick out Broyhill furniture for his man cave. It's a plublicity thing...Marshall had to turn in an application (well, our wish granter did that...thought he was perfect for it and they did pick him-he gets to pick out his furniture....I'm hopen there's black broyhill furniture out there....LOL) and there may be some cameras and a paper there...no clue if it's broyhill's or what......man!!! i need a makeup girl to follow me around right now....should be done after tonight....at the preds game....since i worked i just really touched up my makeup....didn't really think of all the pics that were gonna be taken....LOL!!!!! oh well, i guess you can say ...... hmmmm let me think about that.
Hockey Fights Cancer Night....
where to start? like i said above....it was a blur!!!! i really didn't watch much of the game...missed most of the things marshall did.......being in the stands when Marshall came out to drop the puck......everyone stood up...and the cheers and the volume....i am getting the chills all over again.....i cried.......you could barely here Marshall's story it was so loud!!!!! Catherine was sitting next to me and all of a sudden i heard a sob...then saw shoulders bounce....i held her...she was balling!!!!! bless her heart....you just never know when it is going to hit you.......your fine one minute and then you see something or hear something and your gone.......i held her for about 10 min......thank goodness i was sitting next to her....she is a tough cookie...
Colin and his little friend that was also at the game with a couple of other kids played musical chairs on the ice....it was hysterical.......colin won....and the zambonie went right by me as they were done playing and i guess Marshall was right there on it.....LOL didn't even see him. i stared at it bc it's soooo big!!!! since i was busy with colin and such i missed i guess all the Marshall stuff.....oh well we are getting a DVD. At least i saw the drop!!!!
afterwards, we met a family and one of the girls a senior in high school had a sarcoma. it was in her muscle and they were able to take it out......she is beautiful. she's been wanting to meet Marshall so i asked the girl that arranged this night for us if they could come down to locker room.....she said follow us....so, i got to talk to them a little bit.....we got down there and all our present/past cancer friends were there.....ashley who is done, kayla (just behind Marshall) it was great. i introduced them to megan.....it's a family.....and your automatically in......and surrrounded by so much love, support and complete understanding....
I finally got to meet the mother of Brandi (she dropped the puck last October) it was our first hockey game and it was the Hockey Fights Cancer Night. We cried when we heard her story she was 9 i think. she passed away in dec. i think....that was hard!
If all goes well today then we will go in on Wed. and not be done til Sunday...dreading this for Marshall....it's so long for us....and we aren't the ones trapped in a room with Peter by me the whole time....hopefully since this Chemo it's not constant and if the weather is nice he can go outside in their little park setting on the sixth floor and play his guitar outside...that helps him so much.
I'm so tired......but we are almost there....i see the light!!!!! hopefully be done in the beginning of June!!!!! well, Aidan put on Sponge Bob so I can't think anymore....LOL!!!
please keep all cancer kids in your prayers and their families.......
Hockey Fights Cancer Night....
where to start? like i said above....it was a blur!!!! i really didn't watch much of the game...missed most of the things marshall did.......being in the stands when Marshall came out to drop the puck......everyone stood up...and the cheers and the volume....i am getting the chills all over again.....i cried.......you could barely here Marshall's story it was so loud!!!!! Catherine was sitting next to me and all of a sudden i heard a sob...then saw shoulders bounce....i held her...she was balling!!!!! bless her heart....you just never know when it is going to hit you.......your fine one minute and then you see something or hear something and your gone.......i held her for about 10 min......thank goodness i was sitting next to her....she is a tough cookie...
Colin and his little friend that was also at the game with a couple of other kids played musical chairs on the ice....it was hysterical.......colin won....and the zambonie went right by me as they were done playing and i guess Marshall was right there on it.....LOL didn't even see him. i stared at it bc it's soooo big!!!! since i was busy with colin and such i missed i guess all the Marshall stuff.....oh well we are getting a DVD. At least i saw the drop!!!!
afterwards, we met a family and one of the girls a senior in high school had a sarcoma. it was in her muscle and they were able to take it out......she is beautiful. she's been wanting to meet Marshall so i asked the girl that arranged this night for us if they could come down to locker room.....she said follow us....so, i got to talk to them a little bit.....we got down there and all our present/past cancer friends were there.....ashley who is done, kayla (just behind Marshall) it was great. i introduced them to megan.....it's a family.....and your automatically in......and surrrounded by so much love, support and complete understanding....
I finally got to meet the mother of Brandi (she dropped the puck last October) it was our first hockey game and it was the Hockey Fights Cancer Night. We cried when we heard her story she was 9 i think. she passed away in dec. i think....that was hard!
If all goes well today then we will go in on Wed. and not be done til Sunday...dreading this for Marshall....it's so long for us....and we aren't the ones trapped in a room with Peter by me the whole time....hopefully since this Chemo it's not constant and if the weather is nice he can go outside in their little park setting on the sixth floor and play his guitar outside...that helps him so much.
I'm so tired......but we are almost there....i see the light!!!!! hopefully be done in the beginning of June!!!!! well, Aidan put on Sponge Bob so I can't think anymore....LOL!!!
please keep all cancer kids in your prayers and their families.......
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Eyelashes.....Gone
Well, I haven't written in awhile.....I have been busy with either thoughts, emotions, physical crap, work, house, home (is there a difference? yes there is) I noticed while at the ER that Marshall has lost his eyelashes.....and most of his brows....he was trying so hard. I noticed it this weekend when I was tending to him....when not feeling good.....ugh!!!!! he tried to not touch those brows and such....this is it...the battle is front and center. We are facing it right on!!! no side stepping, denying......imagining.....IT'S HERE. the ugly head has reared it's head and it's here to kill and defeat.....it's wants blood....it's taking all anybody has to give....I see it, I feel it, it's not pretty...but here we are...and we are in battle positions.....I will go before my son goes!!!!! I will fight before and in front of my son.....this thang.....ain't seen anything yet.....I am a woman, I am a mother....and I have fury.....don't mess with me!!!!
Anyway, Marshall is in the hospital and I am home, Brian is there with Marshall. He not doing good....really not. He hates this place and I fought to have him not stay the night....yes, I pouted......you bet I did and Brian was the mature one saying...yes, we need to stay rather be safe than sorry....Oh, I want to be safe...but saw and see the pain in Marshall with the news.....wish I could take it from him.....It's like our Mother Mary.....watching her son, beaten, mocked, spit at, laughed at, stomped at, whipped at, pushed at, pulled at, heaviness, burden, all that weight on the cross that He carried at the end....so much, so hard, there is something I want to add, but my husband came up with this beautiful comment and I can't take that away from him even though it flows so perfectly in what I am talking about....but I told him I wouldn't take it from him.....did I mention that it flowed so well and it just came....LOL (yes.....this is hard to hold back......it was so perfect and natural...a promise is a promise...) love you, Brian!!!!
point is....hmmmm life sucks right now, and even Our Lord had a hard time. I am not saying that Marshall compares to what Our Lord went thru....no way!!!!! I would anyday.....take Chemo....rather than be hung on the cross to die....that is why we hold Our Lord high....what He did for us.....all that He did for us.....all that He did no matter how hard it was....He did it for us........he faltered a tad....well, questioned....but never, ever.....ever, ever....gave up!!! that is what we look towards.....I can't talk for Marshall, but you know that that is what he is looking at....we are humbled with what we are going thru right now. who can't be? seriously......????? it's hard, but you look at your life....are you okay? can you handle it? do you have a choice? of course you do? so what now? well, move on! what else is there? sit down and die? Hell no...Our Lord sure as heck didn't!!!! so neither will we!!! we have so much to offer up as my father reminded me....so many souls in purgatory, and those here on this blessed earth that need our prayers more than we do......offer....offer....offer....offer....up!!!!!! that's what we do. every time I get mad.....that things aren't done like I want them....I would rather not go into detail...so as not to discuss each and every moment of our life.....it's a "you have to be there" thing....and I know people want the truth, but seriously....I would prefer it kept a little quiet right now... I am not going to discuss certain aspects of our lives right now bc they are getting harder. and yes, I am sooooo human....and I get uptight at times.....I am not perfect and yes, kids should be doing certain things....that are not, but I let things slide now bc of our situation....my fault....maybe........will I accept fault....youo bet I will. I am doing the best I can with what I have been faced with. Has it caused disruption with the WHOLE family....duh!!!!! yes it has.......one wants to give this, the other wants to give that, then one wants to hold back on this, but then the other wants to hold back on this....is it stressfull......hell yes......it's frustration...on every front. are we good.....yes....not to say that there is no yelling, but yes.....life sucks right now....we are hunkering down for the worst....and it's getting worse......then when you got mad at something that Marshall did or didn't do.....and then you look back.......are you sorry? do you stand firm? was it right? were you wrong? were you right? well, he is a teenager.....and most probably he is wrong most of the time!!!!!! face it!!!! how many times were you right as a teenager? fighting for what you wanted to do? but we have "life" to consider....that's the hard part....do you let him go out? did he tell you all he was going thru? looking back would you do it again? did you listen to your gut? did you listen to your wife? did you listen to your son? did you listen to your husband? did you listen to your daughter? did you listen to your other daughter? did you hear your other son? did you answer you other son? did you hear what your other son said? did you remember to do what your other child asked? did you respond to your other child? did you get the cleats, mitts, baseball/softball bags......? did you? did you ? should have kept your kids home from a movie?
these are the things that go thru my mind......on top of all that is going on....our "man cave" yes....we kicked the kids out a month ago and it hasn't been finished with painting.....they can't really go down there. we had to take out the lights.....i asked one of my kids to go and get me the vacuum and he asked "will i be able to see?" LOL!!!!! we lost a 1/3 of our house... the playroom....for our 7 kids...granted not all seven play down there...but you know what I mean.....it's been hard and we are working thru that.....it has added a lot of stress on us as a family......you should here the comments.....LOL but we have to remember that it's for Marshall......and he so wants this Man Cave.....we will get there...it's one breath at a time and one second at a time.
I go thru high and lows.....hmmmm...could do without the lows...seriously....do I have not enough to deal with? apparently not....who am I to argue.....I am not going to do that....I can do this....I am doing this....and I will do this....anyone who doubts....hell no!!! don't go there. there is no despair....it's what the devil wants and if your like me...you are not going to give him a darn thing to smile about. if anything....I want him to be upset, mad, furious.....pissed, fisted.........and angry bc I/we didn't flee to him during this time! I ain't going there.......neither is anyone else if I have any say in it....you can do it!!!!
Chin up, prayers up, offerings up........love up, understanding up, forgivness up........keep it up! you will and can do it. you can be pissed all you want but what is it good for? where does it get you? pissed and possibly without the ones you love and lonely trying to find a place to live...but no place will have you....bc you are so bitter, angry and ugly....stand up...be proud, and face life like it has faced you.......God is here! He allows things to happen....shut up and go with it!!!!! don't complain...okay, you can cry...I do....my mini seconds.....you can be pissed but be reasonable....don't depress all around you....we all have our problems......I welcome people that come to me to talk about their problems......people are afraid to talk to me about them...but WE ALL HAVE THEM! on different levels.....what my level is may be the same as your level but to you it's a different level...get it.....? I am where I am .... I am not fragile, or going to break!!!!!! I am strong and I will survive.....I want to be there for my friends, but friends won't let me in bc they want to be nice and not burden me.....well, I am burdened with not being burdened! I am burdened with the fact that I can't be a friend anymore bc my child has Cancer.....yes....it's tough...stressfull.....I can handle being a friend still...I want to be a friend still......just don't put a pressure on me like "hey, you want my 11 kids for the week?" things like that......LOL okay, those of you with those kids. ....you know it's a joke and you would never do that......love you all!!!!!!
Just bc we have a child that has Cancer doesn't mean we don't stop living....we still want and need to be needed....we still need to be talked to and listened to....we still need the acceptance that we ask of you......I am fair and what I expect of a friend and what I expect a friend to expect from me!!!!!
I was told AGAIN tonight that I looked like "Mariah Carey" if I can do that.....I can take anything......LOL!!!!! my husband told me when we dated that I looked like her....I never and still don't take it as a compliment.....LOL! okay, I am hard on myself.......don't ask....anyway, no offence to her....or those that compliment me.......let's just say.....I don't like it....LOL!!!!! poor Brian....he is so proud and I wimper.....I love her......believe me....maybe it's bc she looks so much like me that's what I don't like...that's a whole other issue....so don't want to get into that!!!!! Help us all....yes, I am insecure....yes, I don't like compliments.....yes, I can't stand a lot of stuff......I want to be hidden...and funny thing is.....this Cancer.....has brought us out whether we like it or not.....maybe that's it....? but this is not the forum that I created to be discussing this.
Okay, do I delete? does it mean something? it just something simple ? probably....so gonna keep it even though I really don't want to....gonna be bold and let it stick.....
Blessed Giorgio Frassati, and St Peregrine, pray for us
Anyway, Marshall is in the hospital and I am home, Brian is there with Marshall. He not doing good....really not. He hates this place and I fought to have him not stay the night....yes, I pouted......you bet I did and Brian was the mature one saying...yes, we need to stay rather be safe than sorry....Oh, I want to be safe...but saw and see the pain in Marshall with the news.....wish I could take it from him.....It's like our Mother Mary.....watching her son, beaten, mocked, spit at, laughed at, stomped at, whipped at, pushed at, pulled at, heaviness, burden, all that weight on the cross that He carried at the end....so much, so hard, there is something I want to add, but my husband came up with this beautiful comment and I can't take that away from him even though it flows so perfectly in what I am talking about....but I told him I wouldn't take it from him.....did I mention that it flowed so well and it just came....LOL (yes.....this is hard to hold back......it was so perfect and natural...a promise is a promise...) love you, Brian!!!!
point is....hmmmm life sucks right now, and even Our Lord had a hard time. I am not saying that Marshall compares to what Our Lord went thru....no way!!!!! I would anyday.....take Chemo....rather than be hung on the cross to die....that is why we hold Our Lord high....what He did for us.....all that He did for us.....all that He did no matter how hard it was....He did it for us........he faltered a tad....well, questioned....but never, ever.....ever, ever....gave up!!! that is what we look towards.....I can't talk for Marshall, but you know that that is what he is looking at....we are humbled with what we are going thru right now. who can't be? seriously......????? it's hard, but you look at your life....are you okay? can you handle it? do you have a choice? of course you do? so what now? well, move on! what else is there? sit down and die? Hell no...Our Lord sure as heck didn't!!!! so neither will we!!! we have so much to offer up as my father reminded me....so many souls in purgatory, and those here on this blessed earth that need our prayers more than we do......offer....offer....offer....offer....up!!!!!! that's what we do. every time I get mad.....that things aren't done like I want them....I would rather not go into detail...so as not to discuss each and every moment of our life.....it's a "you have to be there" thing....and I know people want the truth, but seriously....I would prefer it kept a little quiet right now... I am not going to discuss certain aspects of our lives right now bc they are getting harder. and yes, I am sooooo human....and I get uptight at times.....I am not perfect and yes, kids should be doing certain things....that are not, but I let things slide now bc of our situation....my fault....maybe........will I accept fault....youo bet I will. I am doing the best I can with what I have been faced with. Has it caused disruption with the WHOLE family....duh!!!!! yes it has.......one wants to give this, the other wants to give that, then one wants to hold back on this, but then the other wants to hold back on this....is it stressfull......hell yes......it's frustration...on every front. are we good.....yes....not to say that there is no yelling, but yes.....life sucks right now....we are hunkering down for the worst....and it's getting worse......then when you got mad at something that Marshall did or didn't do.....and then you look back.......are you sorry? do you stand firm? was it right? were you wrong? were you right? well, he is a teenager.....and most probably he is wrong most of the time!!!!!! face it!!!! how many times were you right as a teenager? fighting for what you wanted to do? but we have "life" to consider....that's the hard part....do you let him go out? did he tell you all he was going thru? looking back would you do it again? did you listen to your gut? did you listen to your wife? did you listen to your son? did you listen to your husband? did you listen to your daughter? did you listen to your other daughter? did you hear your other son? did you answer you other son? did you hear what your other son said? did you remember to do what your other child asked? did you respond to your other child? did you get the cleats, mitts, baseball/softball bags......? did you? did you ? should have kept your kids home from a movie?
these are the things that go thru my mind......on top of all that is going on....our "man cave" yes....we kicked the kids out a month ago and it hasn't been finished with painting.....they can't really go down there. we had to take out the lights.....i asked one of my kids to go and get me the vacuum and he asked "will i be able to see?" LOL!!!!! we lost a 1/3 of our house... the playroom....for our 7 kids...granted not all seven play down there...but you know what I mean.....it's been hard and we are working thru that.....it has added a lot of stress on us as a family......you should here the comments.....LOL but we have to remember that it's for Marshall......and he so wants this Man Cave.....we will get there...it's one breath at a time and one second at a time.
I go thru high and lows.....hmmmm...could do without the lows...seriously....do I have not enough to deal with? apparently not....who am I to argue.....I am not going to do that....I can do this....I am doing this....and I will do this....anyone who doubts....hell no!!! don't go there. there is no despair....it's what the devil wants and if your like me...you are not going to give him a darn thing to smile about. if anything....I want him to be upset, mad, furious.....pissed, fisted.........and angry bc I/we didn't flee to him during this time! I ain't going there.......neither is anyone else if I have any say in it....you can do it!!!!
Chin up, prayers up, offerings up........love up, understanding up, forgivness up........keep it up! you will and can do it. you can be pissed all you want but what is it good for? where does it get you? pissed and possibly without the ones you love and lonely trying to find a place to live...but no place will have you....bc you are so bitter, angry and ugly....stand up...be proud, and face life like it has faced you.......God is here! He allows things to happen....shut up and go with it!!!!! don't complain...okay, you can cry...I do....my mini seconds.....you can be pissed but be reasonable....don't depress all around you....we all have our problems......I welcome people that come to me to talk about their problems......people are afraid to talk to me about them...but WE ALL HAVE THEM! on different levels.....what my level is may be the same as your level but to you it's a different level...get it.....? I am where I am .... I am not fragile, or going to break!!!!!! I am strong and I will survive.....I want to be there for my friends, but friends won't let me in bc they want to be nice and not burden me.....well, I am burdened with not being burdened! I am burdened with the fact that I can't be a friend anymore bc my child has Cancer.....yes....it's tough...stressfull.....I can handle being a friend still...I want to be a friend still......just don't put a pressure on me like "hey, you want my 11 kids for the week?" things like that......LOL okay, those of you with those kids. ....you know it's a joke and you would never do that......love you all!!!!!!
Just bc we have a child that has Cancer doesn't mean we don't stop living....we still want and need to be needed....we still need to be talked to and listened to....we still need the acceptance that we ask of you......I am fair and what I expect of a friend and what I expect a friend to expect from me!!!!!
I was told AGAIN tonight that I looked like "Mariah Carey" if I can do that.....I can take anything......LOL!!!!! my husband told me when we dated that I looked like her....I never and still don't take it as a compliment.....LOL! okay, I am hard on myself.......don't ask....anyway, no offence to her....or those that compliment me.......let's just say.....I don't like it....LOL!!!!! poor Brian....he is so proud and I wimper.....I love her......believe me....maybe it's bc she looks so much like me that's what I don't like...that's a whole other issue....so don't want to get into that!!!!! Help us all....yes, I am insecure....yes, I don't like compliments.....yes, I can't stand a lot of stuff......I want to be hidden...and funny thing is.....this Cancer.....has brought us out whether we like it or not.....maybe that's it....? but this is not the forum that I created to be discussing this.
Okay, do I delete? does it mean something? it just something simple ? probably....so gonna keep it even though I really don't want to....gonna be bold and let it stick.....
Blessed Giorgio Frassati, and St Peregrine, pray for us
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Scattered
right now my life is like my backyard.....it's got little grass growing...and weeds are coming in and disrupting the grass that was growing. not that my life is depressing, but it's getting scattered....to say the least. okay, just got distracted.....Marshall was playing guitar with a volunteer and we were talking about the song he (Marshall is writing)...shhhhh it's a secret...lol!
But, lets see.....we got Marshall a pint of coffee ice cream and he decided to throw it up by the time i went to put mine in the family freezer...not good. spoke with the attending and they not too worried...yes something to think about and discuss tomorrow morning but right now we will just keep moving...so, literally right after i am having this talk with the doc. i come in the room and he is playing guitar and marshall says "i want subway" okay, i just told the doc that marshall won't eat here....lol! so i told him that i will go down but he has to hit the "bad pump" first before he eats. so he made the deal. i went down in my AGAIN polka dot black and white pants with little white frills at the end, my hair up, no make up, a gray tank top, and a pink thin sweatshirt.......can't forget my LOUD slippers.....so, i am holding my Taco Bell cup (gotta refill it while i can), my wallet, and stuffed a napkin in my pocket with marshall's order...so, i am talking to brian on the phone telling him of the newest event...he wants to eat.....and i ask the subway dude...you closed....he said yes....and said "oh,.......ssssshhhhhooooooot" then he said just kidding...told him that wasn't nice i am just trying to get my child to eat...i laughed he did too....said okay, what would you like...then i asked for white bread..they are out.....said give me wheat i don't care......then he asked if i wanted it toasted....i said crud i don't know so he suggested lets do it lightly toasted...then all happy....bc i didn't know what marshall wanted.....so, i gave him marshall's list of what he wanted on it. he asked if i needed anything else...i said no, he asked what my child was in for.....right after i gave him the credit card...i told him ahe has cancer nd he took it off and gave me my card back and told me that i should just go feed my child he didn't want to charge me.....then i was thankful and told him not to make me cry....and when i asked his name....oh, here i went making an ass of myself....LOL as i was leaving......i said thank you and what is your name....i hear "terry...." i say "terry" no...."terry" so it's "terry"....i laugh and say i can't hear worth crud....."harry" so it's "harry" no "harry"....so "harry" then i get closer and he says "eeeerrrrriccccc" oh "eric" yep.....what's your name..."brigdet"....okay, told him i am not that blonde....LOL! so embarrassing....and i had to srew his name up when he gave me a free foot long.....so, no makeup, loud slippers, hair a mess, mismatched pjs, can't hear.....yep....nice! just want to be normal.....poor guy. hopefully i can go back tomorrow and be normal and hear correctly
so, when i started typing i was all serious and then now look at me. i had this big speal on grass, my life...etc and now it doesn't seem relevant....ok, just like my yard....disrupted not uniform not pretty.....if you saw my yard...it's like a red necks.....embarrassing except i care about it but don't have the time or the means to do anything about it so we ignore it and hope that one day we will look out and see a gorgeous yard or something that doesn't look like it came out of the back yard of a junk yard....so pathetic.....
trying to get him to eat is a joke...now he won't eat...i had a deal and he won't keep it....crap...so, he says he just needs to sniff his "peppermint gauze" and he will be good....so...lets see he still hasn't eaten...LOL so glad i went
well, tonight has been a bust for me and typing....but i will try again later......gotta deal with new issues like why is marshall being put on TamiFlu ....why is it everytime i come here i have to deal with all these outside issues that i know nothing about....LOL
okay, did i mention my brain is scattered? think this pretty much sums it up......was going for something meaningful and this is what i got...LOVE IT
But, lets see.....we got Marshall a pint of coffee ice cream and he decided to throw it up by the time i went to put mine in the family freezer...not good. spoke with the attending and they not too worried...yes something to think about and discuss tomorrow morning but right now we will just keep moving...so, literally right after i am having this talk with the doc. i come in the room and he is playing guitar and marshall says "i want subway" okay, i just told the doc that marshall won't eat here....lol! so i told him that i will go down but he has to hit the "bad pump" first before he eats. so he made the deal. i went down in my AGAIN polka dot black and white pants with little white frills at the end, my hair up, no make up, a gray tank top, and a pink thin sweatshirt.......can't forget my LOUD slippers.....so, i am holding my Taco Bell cup (gotta refill it while i can), my wallet, and stuffed a napkin in my pocket with marshall's order...so, i am talking to brian on the phone telling him of the newest event...he wants to eat.....and i ask the subway dude...you closed....he said yes....and said "oh,.......ssssshhhhhooooooot" then he said just kidding...told him that wasn't nice i am just trying to get my child to eat...i laughed he did too....said okay, what would you like...then i asked for white bread..they are out.....said give me wheat i don't care......then he asked if i wanted it toasted....i said crud i don't know so he suggested lets do it lightly toasted...then all happy....bc i didn't know what marshall wanted.....so, i gave him marshall's list of what he wanted on it. he asked if i needed anything else...i said no, he asked what my child was in for.....right after i gave him the credit card...i told him ahe has cancer nd he took it off and gave me my card back and told me that i should just go feed my child he didn't want to charge me.....then i was thankful and told him not to make me cry....and when i asked his name....oh, here i went making an ass of myself....LOL as i was leaving......i said thank you and what is your name....i hear "terry...." i say "terry" no...."terry" so it's "terry"....i laugh and say i can't hear worth crud....."harry" so it's "harry" no "harry"....so "harry" then i get closer and he says "eeeerrrrriccccc" oh "eric" yep.....what's your name..."brigdet"....okay, told him i am not that blonde....LOL! so embarrassing....and i had to srew his name up when he gave me a free foot long.....so, no makeup, loud slippers, hair a mess, mismatched pjs, can't hear.....yep....nice! just want to be normal.....poor guy. hopefully i can go back tomorrow and be normal and hear correctly
so, when i started typing i was all serious and then now look at me. i had this big speal on grass, my life...etc and now it doesn't seem relevant....ok, just like my yard....disrupted not uniform not pretty.....if you saw my yard...it's like a red necks.....embarrassing except i care about it but don't have the time or the means to do anything about it so we ignore it and hope that one day we will look out and see a gorgeous yard or something that doesn't look like it came out of the back yard of a junk yard....so pathetic.....
trying to get him to eat is a joke...now he won't eat...i had a deal and he won't keep it....crap...so, he says he just needs to sniff his "peppermint gauze" and he will be good....so...lets see he still hasn't eaten...LOL so glad i went
well, tonight has been a bust for me and typing....but i will try again later......gotta deal with new issues like why is marshall being put on TamiFlu ....why is it everytime i come here i have to deal with all these outside issues that i know nothing about....LOL
okay, did i mention my brain is scattered? think this pretty much sums it up......was going for something meaningful and this is what i got...LOVE IT
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Gosh Darnit!
Well, Marshall went into clinic yesterday morning at 9:30 and got his blood counts...they were good, so they hydrated him and they waited for a room up at the "Chemo Inn" didn't get one til 2:30. I was working so Brian was with Marshall and I showed up later on around dinner time and I spend the night there at the "Chemo Inn" Chemo didn't start till 8:30 pm which means he SHOULD be home round dinner time on Tuesday.
These last couple of weeks have been emotional ones.....DARNIT! I don't like that. I don't want to cry at the drop of a hat. I don't want to cry when someone gives me a hug........geeeesh! I guess as my Dad said "I am holding the flood gates at bay" Well, shoot must be quite a gate that is up there and quite the flood.
You have no idea how you will respond in certain situations and I guess I am still learning.....SURVIVAL is key and it can only be done with your faith and support. That's it!!!!! Don't like it....go away......!
Let me tell you!!!!!!!! Brian and I came back from dinner last night. They have a 2 visitor rule now bc of the flu and such, but that includes us.....so when Marshall has friends....yep! we have to leave. His great friend and another brought him "five guys" and they hung out. When we got back, Marshall was talking to his girlfriend and then Brian explained to me as I was chilling in bed....Yes I get the bed bc Marshall can't stand it. He gets the pullout couch with our sheets, his pillow and a blanket from home (now two are on him) and Brian tells me he wants to be alone. Just having a hard time with this and is so tired of it all. Emotionally he was having a very hard time.
As a mother you already want/wanted to take this from him, as a mother you want to hold him until your tears are dried up bc you love him so much and hate what he is going thru, you want to tell him it's going to be okay, as a mother you want to smile as if nothing is wrong.....well, I do smile but there is something wrong......again, I do smile, but when your child has a hard time.....my heart breaks.......it has broken a bunch of times...silently, quietly and to myself.....always....okay, I did cry a couple of times in front of Marshall.....I am human....not wonderwoman.....and don't want to be....could never pull off that outfit....I did watch the TV show with "wonderwoman" when I was a kid....remember those.....her twirling around and changing.....LOL!!!! nice good ole days. She was so pretty, still is.....anyway, as I said it is getting hard......am I falling apart? No, it's natural, we went thru LA LA land when we had 6 weeks off.......then we got thrust into it with surgery and the back to Chemo......we are being retrained again....as is Marshall. Reality sucks right now.....but my heart!!!!! when he came back (Brian was gone had left to go home) I just said "you doing ok?" He said "yep" then he went to the bathroom and then said he was going to bed. He curled himself up in bed with the covers and blanket up high and said "goodnight" I went to him.....and made sure he was all covered up and laid my head on his arm (he was laying on his side) and rubbed his arm and told him I loved him very much and just laid there for awhile.....not too long didn't want to get kicked off and then my "mommy ego" would have been bursted.....gotta go with that fine line of loving and giving space and not toooooo much lovey dovey stuff. They don't like that so much anymore. He said he loved me too and I went to "my bed" it's an air bed...so everytime I move....it takes about 30 seconds to refill/readjust...and it's loud too.....LOL! I was trying to later on ease drop on his conversation with his girlfriend......but I would move and then I couldn't hear.....LOL!!!!! that's what I get :0)
Today, I met a mother that just found out her freshman in college son has ALL (a form of leukemia) she is in shock. He just got diagnosed on Monday. I am eating Ben and Jerrys "Mint Chocolate Chunk" I treated myself bc Marshall had some and I thought well, I haven't had anything truly fattening or good. All those Bday cakes, I just licked the icing after dishing out gorgeous looking cuts of cake or cookie cake.....yep....so no dinner tonight.....anyway, I was eating it and trying to talk to this mother and of course what do I do?????? yep!!!! Cry as I tell her it's kinda hard.....I told her that right now we are all having a hard time. the honeymoon is over......I think my biggest complaint is my darn crying. I want to be strong. I don't think crying is a weakness at all......I've done it for years...you girls know what it's like....hormones, pregnancy, right after pregnancy.......shoot we are tears!!!!!!! that's what we do best...but what drives me nuts is that I can't have certain conversations without my voice going or I can't talk bc my throat is clamped shut......I just want to talk without the emotion. How can you tell a mother that all is going to be okay when 2 minutes after you meet her......you can't talk......shoot...nice!!!!! so, she thinks like is gonna suck.....well, it is...but you make the suckiness work.......you find a room for the suckiness in your life and deal with it and it becomes apart of you and your family.
How do you look at your child that is hurting? What can you do? Nothing but hug and love him.......I have no idea what my poor child is going thru........it's killing him, but it is killing me to watch.....he is strong and he will provail I have no doubt....nobody said it was going to be wonderful all the time. you have to fall to become stronger, you have to depend to become greater, you have to have faith to win. There is no "one" outcome for winning......you must rely on Our Lord!
These last couple of weeks have been emotional ones.....DARNIT! I don't like that. I don't want to cry at the drop of a hat. I don't want to cry when someone gives me a hug........geeeesh! I guess as my Dad said "I am holding the flood gates at bay" Well, shoot must be quite a gate that is up there and quite the flood.
You have no idea how you will respond in certain situations and I guess I am still learning.....SURVIVAL is key and it can only be done with your faith and support. That's it!!!!! Don't like it....go away......!
Let me tell you!!!!!!!! Brian and I came back from dinner last night. They have a 2 visitor rule now bc of the flu and such, but that includes us.....so when Marshall has friends....yep! we have to leave. His great friend and another brought him "five guys" and they hung out. When we got back, Marshall was talking to his girlfriend and then Brian explained to me as I was chilling in bed....Yes I get the bed bc Marshall can't stand it. He gets the pullout couch with our sheets, his pillow and a blanket from home (now two are on him) and Brian tells me he wants to be alone. Just having a hard time with this and is so tired of it all. Emotionally he was having a very hard time.
As a mother you already want/wanted to take this from him, as a mother you want to hold him until your tears are dried up bc you love him so much and hate what he is going thru, you want to tell him it's going to be okay, as a mother you want to smile as if nothing is wrong.....well, I do smile but there is something wrong......again, I do smile, but when your child has a hard time.....my heart breaks.......it has broken a bunch of times...silently, quietly and to myself.....always....okay, I did cry a couple of times in front of Marshall.....I am human....not wonderwoman.....and don't want to be....could never pull off that outfit....I did watch the TV show with "wonderwoman" when I was a kid....remember those.....her twirling around and changing.....LOL!!!! nice good ole days. She was so pretty, still is.....anyway, as I said it is getting hard......am I falling apart? No, it's natural, we went thru LA LA land when we had 6 weeks off.......then we got thrust into it with surgery and the back to Chemo......we are being retrained again....as is Marshall. Reality sucks right now.....but my heart!!!!! when he came back (Brian was gone had left to go home) I just said "you doing ok?" He said "yep" then he went to the bathroom and then said he was going to bed. He curled himself up in bed with the covers and blanket up high and said "goodnight" I went to him.....and made sure he was all covered up and laid my head on his arm (he was laying on his side) and rubbed his arm and told him I loved him very much and just laid there for awhile.....not too long didn't want to get kicked off and then my "mommy ego" would have been bursted.....gotta go with that fine line of loving and giving space and not toooooo much lovey dovey stuff. They don't like that so much anymore. He said he loved me too and I went to "my bed" it's an air bed...so everytime I move....it takes about 30 seconds to refill/readjust...and it's loud too.....LOL! I was trying to later on ease drop on his conversation with his girlfriend......but I would move and then I couldn't hear.....LOL!!!!! that's what I get :0)
Today, I met a mother that just found out her freshman in college son has ALL (a form of leukemia) she is in shock. He just got diagnosed on Monday. I am eating Ben and Jerrys "Mint Chocolate Chunk" I treated myself bc Marshall had some and I thought well, I haven't had anything truly fattening or good. All those Bday cakes, I just licked the icing after dishing out gorgeous looking cuts of cake or cookie cake.....yep....so no dinner tonight.....anyway, I was eating it and trying to talk to this mother and of course what do I do?????? yep!!!! Cry as I tell her it's kinda hard.....I told her that right now we are all having a hard time. the honeymoon is over......I think my biggest complaint is my darn crying. I want to be strong. I don't think crying is a weakness at all......I've done it for years...you girls know what it's like....hormones, pregnancy, right after pregnancy.......shoot we are tears!!!!!!! that's what we do best...but what drives me nuts is that I can't have certain conversations without my voice going or I can't talk bc my throat is clamped shut......I just want to talk without the emotion. How can you tell a mother that all is going to be okay when 2 minutes after you meet her......you can't talk......shoot...nice!!!!! so, she thinks like is gonna suck.....well, it is...but you make the suckiness work.......you find a room for the suckiness in your life and deal with it and it becomes apart of you and your family.
How do you look at your child that is hurting? What can you do? Nothing but hug and love him.......I have no idea what my poor child is going thru........it's killing him, but it is killing me to watch.....he is strong and he will provail I have no doubt....nobody said it was going to be wonderful all the time. you have to fall to become stronger, you have to depend to become greater, you have to have faith to win. There is no "one" outcome for winning......you must rely on Our Lord!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thank goodness for Mothers
Well, another week has gone by and I can't believe that it has been a month since Marshall's surgery. Yesterday, he went up stairs TWICE without crutches!!!!! my heart got real tight as I am a mother and I don't want him to trip up, but I can't stop my son from reaching for the clouds. He is a go getter and not one to sit and let it come to him. So, I don't expect anything less. I would be upset otherwise....but doesn't mean it's gonna be easy on my heart.
My week at work (so part time...total of 14 hours) went well. I had to leave one day to help Marshall get lunch...he wanted something particular bc of his throat sores and it was difficult to do with crutches. Thankfully it is no problem at work and I just stayed home the rest of the day. Love them for that flexibility.....Also, I have changed one of my days for me to go in the afternoons instead of morning, that way I get Aidan fed....and Marshall if need be and then Catherine gets home from school. So, it will work out better.....
I am watching the snow once again come down outside....I wish I was as free as a snow flake. Just floating around with not a care in the world, but then you go away never to return EVER again......so, no I don't really want to.....
So tired of the cold.....I am getting grumpier by the second....LOL! so done with this hard winter....well, it is for me as I have no blood as my husband reminds me nightly when I am freezing and everyone else is toasty warm.
Brian and I are heading down the path that only we can go thru. And it is hard. I have to be honest....it's not all laughs and smelling roses......I try to take time to smell the roses, but not right now. I am in survival mode. I know we will get thru this, but not alone and I think that is what I have forgotten. Of course I pray and all, but I need more! This is a huge spiritual endeavour that we are going thru and so you need an army to help you. I really haven't asked for as much help as I should be. I am going to do better. I am going to try to attend Mass during the week and really get back with the family Rosary, even if it's only a decade (as my mom told me today) , I want to stop by and visit the Blessed Sacrament for a bit. These things will help me spiritually be strong for my son, husband and the rest of the children that so desparately still need their parents even though things are crazy.
We get so busy with our lives and everything else becomes more important that sitting down and praying. Now you put this issue with Marshall and we are turned upside down......even harder, but I am not going to succumb to despair! No way is the devil going to win. As Marshall will win (God willing) we will win the spiritual battle (it's not like it's a battle but I guess it is bc you are battling the emotions and you can get sucked down without even knowing it)
So, I will hold my head up high and walk with Our Lord and Our Lady as they carry us thru this journey. I know they are already there but I need to come to their feet and give myself to them. I need to trust they will take care of me and my family. Like I said, it's not like I don't but something is missing...maybe I haven't totally given myself...or just not placing myself in their loving care enough!
Thank goodness for mothers.......I saw pictures of my youngest brother (18 years old) playing Rugby this weekend....and it made me sad bc that is where Marshall's heart is and he would be practicing and all.....mom said she was sorry and didn't know if she should share them with me but felt it was important for us to see them.....of course I told her......life is moving on for everyone but us and yes, it's not fun, but it doesn't mean that everyone else has to suffer with us. I don't want anyone not sharing with me their joys, sorrows, or friendship just bc I am going thru this right now. Just don't expect me calling you back.......LOL!
Life is going on around us.......and I am glad......it is a happy and wonderful thing. It lets us know that no matter what happens or goes on life will continue and we will all be blessed with the opportunity at life. We will be able to choose the high road or the low road. We will be able to smile or pity yourself. I have to remind myself this all the time. It's a constant reminder on how you are going to live your life, which answers my own question........I have to constantly go to Our Lord and Our Lady to keep this going.
I do want the overwhemledness to go away....I know that is not a word...but it's my word...I tend to do that......it's my way of talking.....We are half way thru.......it won't go away ever. We will live our lives differently from now on, but at least no chemo every two weeks and such. We will just revert to scans every 3 months for the first 2 years to see if the Cancer has come back.....and I don't know how the length goes after that.....for Marshall it will be a life long event for him. He will deal with this for his whole life. Always wonder if the Cancer is back......we will too...but I am not going to worry about that now.......that is aways away, and it's only 4 times a year we will get all nervous with the results....ugh!!!!! I hear others talking about that......and I realize that we will go thru the same thing.
Anyway, back to my mother......get soooo sidetracked....ugh! she helped me this morning......not that I didn't know it already what needs to be done but you need to be reminded. I love my mother and don't know what I would do without her. She has always been a strength that I have no idea where it came from, she has the energy level of the energizer bunny even after 11 children she still puts everyone I know to shame. She is so capable and fun to be around. She is still dressed to the "T's" (think that is what you say...LOL) She gave me so much...just not her energy.....hee-hee....maybe I have some of it and I don't realize it bc I have lived this way my whole life as the oldest of the 11 kids...heck I took care of them for years......I know no other way....just like when I first got married I didn't know how to cook for 2 people...only knew how to cook for 13! I love my growing up years and miss them dearly....I enjoyed my family and laughing as we did that together so much. I hope that we have that! I want my children to love being apart of this family as crazy as it is.......I have to go find something to cook.....that has gone down the drain since this all started......poor kids!!!!
My week at work (so part time...total of 14 hours) went well. I had to leave one day to help Marshall get lunch...he wanted something particular bc of his throat sores and it was difficult to do with crutches. Thankfully it is no problem at work and I just stayed home the rest of the day. Love them for that flexibility.....Also, I have changed one of my days for me to go in the afternoons instead of morning, that way I get Aidan fed....and Marshall if need be and then Catherine gets home from school. So, it will work out better.....
I am watching the snow once again come down outside....I wish I was as free as a snow flake. Just floating around with not a care in the world, but then you go away never to return EVER again......so, no I don't really want to.....
So tired of the cold.....I am getting grumpier by the second....LOL! so done with this hard winter....well, it is for me as I have no blood as my husband reminds me nightly when I am freezing and everyone else is toasty warm.
Brian and I are heading down the path that only we can go thru. And it is hard. I have to be honest....it's not all laughs and smelling roses......I try to take time to smell the roses, but not right now. I am in survival mode. I know we will get thru this, but not alone and I think that is what I have forgotten. Of course I pray and all, but I need more! This is a huge spiritual endeavour that we are going thru and so you need an army to help you. I really haven't asked for as much help as I should be. I am going to do better. I am going to try to attend Mass during the week and really get back with the family Rosary, even if it's only a decade (as my mom told me today) , I want to stop by and visit the Blessed Sacrament for a bit. These things will help me spiritually be strong for my son, husband and the rest of the children that so desparately still need their parents even though things are crazy.
We get so busy with our lives and everything else becomes more important that sitting down and praying. Now you put this issue with Marshall and we are turned upside down......even harder, but I am not going to succumb to despair! No way is the devil going to win. As Marshall will win (God willing) we will win the spiritual battle (it's not like it's a battle but I guess it is bc you are battling the emotions and you can get sucked down without even knowing it)
So, I will hold my head up high and walk with Our Lord and Our Lady as they carry us thru this journey. I know they are already there but I need to come to their feet and give myself to them. I need to trust they will take care of me and my family. Like I said, it's not like I don't but something is missing...maybe I haven't totally given myself...or just not placing myself in their loving care enough!
Thank goodness for mothers.......I saw pictures of my youngest brother (18 years old) playing Rugby this weekend....and it made me sad bc that is where Marshall's heart is and he would be practicing and all.....mom said she was sorry and didn't know if she should share them with me but felt it was important for us to see them.....of course I told her......life is moving on for everyone but us and yes, it's not fun, but it doesn't mean that everyone else has to suffer with us. I don't want anyone not sharing with me their joys, sorrows, or friendship just bc I am going thru this right now. Just don't expect me calling you back.......LOL!
Life is going on around us.......and I am glad......it is a happy and wonderful thing. It lets us know that no matter what happens or goes on life will continue and we will all be blessed with the opportunity at life. We will be able to choose the high road or the low road. We will be able to smile or pity yourself. I have to remind myself this all the time. It's a constant reminder on how you are going to live your life, which answers my own question........I have to constantly go to Our Lord and Our Lady to keep this going.
I do want the overwhemledness to go away....I know that is not a word...but it's my word...I tend to do that......it's my way of talking.....We are half way thru.......it won't go away ever. We will live our lives differently from now on, but at least no chemo every two weeks and such. We will just revert to scans every 3 months for the first 2 years to see if the Cancer has come back.....and I don't know how the length goes after that.....for Marshall it will be a life long event for him. He will deal with this for his whole life. Always wonder if the Cancer is back......we will too...but I am not going to worry about that now.......that is aways away, and it's only 4 times a year we will get all nervous with the results....ugh!!!!! I hear others talking about that......and I realize that we will go thru the same thing.
Anyway, back to my mother......get soooo sidetracked....ugh! she helped me this morning......not that I didn't know it already what needs to be done but you need to be reminded. I love my mother and don't know what I would do without her. She has always been a strength that I have no idea where it came from, she has the energy level of the energizer bunny even after 11 children she still puts everyone I know to shame. She is so capable and fun to be around. She is still dressed to the "T's" (think that is what you say...LOL) She gave me so much...just not her energy.....hee-hee....maybe I have some of it and I don't realize it bc I have lived this way my whole life as the oldest of the 11 kids...heck I took care of them for years......I know no other way....just like when I first got married I didn't know how to cook for 2 people...only knew how to cook for 13! I love my growing up years and miss them dearly....I enjoyed my family and laughing as we did that together so much. I hope that we have that! I want my children to love being apart of this family as crazy as it is.......I have to go find something to cook.....that has gone down the drain since this all started......poor kids!!!!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Faith, Hope and Love
It has been three weeks now since Marshall's surgery...I think.....we have already started Chemo again.......So, Marshall has 7 more rounds of Chemo and then the Radiation. It is almost done!!!!!!!! We are getting there......
I am just tired right now, flustered and just I don't know. I am thinking many things, but nothing comes out right now. I am observing right now. It's good to sit back and observe. Watch and see how people talk, and interact. Personally, I am just too tired half the time to participate. I still think of my nonexsistant hole that I wish I had so I could go in there for a time and then come out when I am ready.
Last week was crazy with Monday going to Clinic, and the Surgeon to get staples out and then Chemo from Tuesday-Thursday night, then the working, which BTW I had a great week!!!!! Went in today and ended up coming home to make lunch for Marshall...and it was slow....dreary and rainy...yuck....this depressing weather has got to go away.
Then it was Catherine's Bday on Friday....she turned 15, and Marshall had a dance on Saturday night. I don't think we have really stopped much. Brian and I went out this weekend....bc we have so much to talk about...but then we get together....and it's like...."ummmmm, so what were we supposed to talk about?" "dunno" so we sit.....then we, well.....IIIII start to chat....hate silence....LOL! must be from growing up with 10 other siblings, parents and such there was no quiet....no such thing......anyway, then I open up slowly.....
Brian on Thursday had to pull some things from me.....over the phone...ugh!!!! since he was at the hospital and I was home bc I had to go into work.....so, man.....talk about gator tears....!!!! huge and I had just done my makeup all pretty.....and nice....LOL! COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION~ that's the key...and you have to keep it up....so very important. I know I write this all the time, but you know it's a fact of life right now. One other couple told me about their rough bumps....they didn't tell me....just that there were some bumpy moments and all with a situation similiar but you look at them now and they made it thru it. It's not bad don't get me wrong...but definately more pressure and stress than before....and they are little issues, and these little issues get help within and just bubble to the surface after a time.....do you understand?
You know those type of gator tears that are long, hot and heavy.....just run right down your cheeks at a solid fast flow....they burn as they go down, and your shirt has two heavy water dots (one on each side) that was me just before going into work. I wanted to run away, just make it all go away.....nothing bad happened or anything, but the lack of communication between you and your spouse...with no time together, your passers byers......when you are at the hospital, your son, nurses, doctors, friends, family is there. Then when home...you have kids, homework and questions and things to plan....so, when can you talk...? you can't. it is very stressful!!!!!! Thankfully we have always made time for eachother...but right now, it's really more of a down time when we go out......
You want so much to be a bad ass and not care.....walk with head high, don't need anybody......person....but then you so desparately are reaching out for your spouse to hold you tight and tell you all will be okay. I always try to be a bad ass at first....don't ask me why....makes me mad...bc all i end up doing is hurting Brian and eventually myself. So, we talk.....and we explain to eachother what we need, or what one is doing right now....etc....then we make it better...work on our various issues......we may a fall, but who doesn't? Trying is everything.....then....it's as simple as that.....You feel all better!!!!! You just needed your spouse to listen and understand and tell you he loves you.....then you cry all over again, bc you love him so much.....and can't imagine what you would do without your bestest friend!!!!!!
I can't wait to go on vacation......somewhere fun!!!! lots of dancing, sleeping in (yeah right, but "option" is everything to a mother) reading, basking in the sun with a drink in hand.......aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! that is what I am dreaming of!!!!! whether or not that will happen, who knows......life....is so unexpected, but it 's makes for an interesting one.
I have life here.....with my kids...and hubby. Lets see:
Marshall~ needs help up and down stairs, can't really sit...so extra help to get him comfortable and getting him things, but he's Marshall so he wants to do what he can on his own! He does not like to be babied or a loaf......Still very independant as he can reasonably be.
Catherine~wants to go out and enjoy her friends...she and colin tend to hang out some....I just realized that. she is always texting or listening to music.....just like her mama (with the music). I still ask her for fashion advice.....does this look okay.....Brian trusts every word she says......when it comes to that.....it's too funny. Brian always saying "go ask Catherine"
Patrick~poor guy has a bum knee but we are getting that taken care of...now his elbow hurts....LOL!!!!! if it just would have happened with the knee then I coulda gotten the MRI to over both.....although not worried bout the elbow.....we are gonna take care of his knee......!!!!! getting involved with Fraternus which I am glad bc once a week he can go be surrounded by a great group of boys and learn about their faith as it relates to their state in life and have fun.
Colin~always doing homework.....last one doing it most days.....Sometimes I don't even understand his homework.......he is a perfectionist and loves to grab my hand and quietly as if he is inhaling...."I love you" He seems to get the raw deal sometimes...he is that middle child....so, whether it be with the older or younger ones...he is caught in the middle or we misunderstand.....we eventually get it.....LOL!!!!
Elizabeth~always telling us to have a good day, did you have a good sleep, please tell dad.....to have a good day and if he had a good sleep oh, and see you tonight after work. She is telling Marshall she loves him all time. She has enjoyed making cards for the 3 birthdays we had in one week. (I am soooo birthdayed out....at least cakewise and such)
Sean~wants to go over Dean's house all the time and likes to sing "Dynamite" and it's precious bc it's all wrong...but the tune is perfect..you know exactly what song he is singing.....he was singing it last night while cleaning up dinner......he gives me huge bear hugs and is constantly touching me in Mass.....He, Aidan and Elizabeth fight over my hands, arms and legs.......
Aidan~asks me every morning....where you going? aaaah, I don't want you to go to work....I want to go with you...can I go? Who is gonna stay here with me? if I am home......he says "YEA!" He loves to help me throughout the day. He is talking so well......and he has this little country accent along with it. Think it started out as being goofy when asking questions.....with tha perfect little look and now, I am hearing it almost all the time. He is the only one....LOL!!!! wonder if he will grow out of it?
Brian and I are doing our best! I hope we are loving them enough, hugging them enough......I think the kids overall are doing very well....but you always hope it's enough what you have to give. we pray we continue to....our journey right now is all about Faith, Hope and Love! It's that simple yet that hard.
I am just tired right now, flustered and just I don't know. I am thinking many things, but nothing comes out right now. I am observing right now. It's good to sit back and observe. Watch and see how people talk, and interact. Personally, I am just too tired half the time to participate. I still think of my nonexsistant hole that I wish I had so I could go in there for a time and then come out when I am ready.
Last week was crazy with Monday going to Clinic, and the Surgeon to get staples out and then Chemo from Tuesday-Thursday night, then the working, which BTW I had a great week!!!!! Went in today and ended up coming home to make lunch for Marshall...and it was slow....dreary and rainy...yuck....this depressing weather has got to go away.
Then it was Catherine's Bday on Friday....she turned 15, and Marshall had a dance on Saturday night. I don't think we have really stopped much. Brian and I went out this weekend....bc we have so much to talk about...but then we get together....and it's like...."ummmmm, so what were we supposed to talk about?" "dunno" so we sit.....then we, well.....IIIII start to chat....hate silence....LOL! must be from growing up with 10 other siblings, parents and such there was no quiet....no such thing......anyway, then I open up slowly.....
Brian on Thursday had to pull some things from me.....over the phone...ugh!!!! since he was at the hospital and I was home bc I had to go into work.....so, man.....talk about gator tears....!!!! huge and I had just done my makeup all pretty.....and nice....LOL! COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION~ that's the key...and you have to keep it up....so very important. I know I write this all the time, but you know it's a fact of life right now. One other couple told me about their rough bumps....they didn't tell me....just that there were some bumpy moments and all with a situation similiar but you look at them now and they made it thru it. It's not bad don't get me wrong...but definately more pressure and stress than before....and they are little issues, and these little issues get help within and just bubble to the surface after a time.....do you understand?
You know those type of gator tears that are long, hot and heavy.....just run right down your cheeks at a solid fast flow....they burn as they go down, and your shirt has two heavy water dots (one on each side) that was me just before going into work. I wanted to run away, just make it all go away.....nothing bad happened or anything, but the lack of communication between you and your spouse...with no time together, your passers byers......when you are at the hospital, your son, nurses, doctors, friends, family is there. Then when home...you have kids, homework and questions and things to plan....so, when can you talk...? you can't. it is very stressful!!!!!! Thankfully we have always made time for eachother...but right now, it's really more of a down time when we go out......
You want so much to be a bad ass and not care.....walk with head high, don't need anybody......person....but then you so desparately are reaching out for your spouse to hold you tight and tell you all will be okay. I always try to be a bad ass at first....don't ask me why....makes me mad...bc all i end up doing is hurting Brian and eventually myself. So, we talk.....and we explain to eachother what we need, or what one is doing right now....etc....then we make it better...work on our various issues......we may a fall, but who doesn't? Trying is everything.....then....it's as simple as that.....You feel all better!!!!! You just needed your spouse to listen and understand and tell you he loves you.....then you cry all over again, bc you love him so much.....and can't imagine what you would do without your bestest friend!!!!!!
I can't wait to go on vacation......somewhere fun!!!! lots of dancing, sleeping in (yeah right, but "option" is everything to a mother) reading, basking in the sun with a drink in hand.......aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! that is what I am dreaming of!!!!! whether or not that will happen, who knows......life....is so unexpected, but it 's makes for an interesting one.
I have life here.....with my kids...and hubby. Lets see:
Marshall~ needs help up and down stairs, can't really sit...so extra help to get him comfortable and getting him things, but he's Marshall so he wants to do what he can on his own! He does not like to be babied or a loaf......Still very independant as he can reasonably be.
Catherine~wants to go out and enjoy her friends...she and colin tend to hang out some....I just realized that. she is always texting or listening to music.....just like her mama (with the music). I still ask her for fashion advice.....does this look okay.....Brian trusts every word she says......when it comes to that.....it's too funny. Brian always saying "go ask Catherine"
Patrick~poor guy has a bum knee but we are getting that taken care of...now his elbow hurts....LOL!!!!! if it just would have happened with the knee then I coulda gotten the MRI to over both.....although not worried bout the elbow.....we are gonna take care of his knee......!!!!! getting involved with Fraternus which I am glad bc once a week he can go be surrounded by a great group of boys and learn about their faith as it relates to their state in life and have fun.
Colin~always doing homework.....last one doing it most days.....Sometimes I don't even understand his homework.......he is a perfectionist and loves to grab my hand and quietly as if he is inhaling...."I love you" He seems to get the raw deal sometimes...he is that middle child....so, whether it be with the older or younger ones...he is caught in the middle or we misunderstand.....we eventually get it.....LOL!!!!
Elizabeth~always telling us to have a good day, did you have a good sleep, please tell dad.....to have a good day and if he had a good sleep oh, and see you tonight after work. She is telling Marshall she loves him all time. She has enjoyed making cards for the 3 birthdays we had in one week. (I am soooo birthdayed out....at least cakewise and such)
Sean~wants to go over Dean's house all the time and likes to sing "Dynamite" and it's precious bc it's all wrong...but the tune is perfect..you know exactly what song he is singing.....he was singing it last night while cleaning up dinner......he gives me huge bear hugs and is constantly touching me in Mass.....He, Aidan and Elizabeth fight over my hands, arms and legs.......
Aidan~asks me every morning....where you going? aaaah, I don't want you to go to work....I want to go with you...can I go? Who is gonna stay here with me? if I am home......he says "YEA!" He loves to help me throughout the day. He is talking so well......and he has this little country accent along with it. Think it started out as being goofy when asking questions.....with tha perfect little look and now, I am hearing it almost all the time. He is the only one....LOL!!!! wonder if he will grow out of it?
Brian and I are doing our best! I hope we are loving them enough, hugging them enough......I think the kids overall are doing very well....but you always hope it's enough what you have to give. we pray we continue to....our journey right now is all about Faith, Hope and Love! It's that simple yet that hard.
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