I have been wanting to write after my last one of something more upbeat. My life is not all gloom and doom and it seems that that is all i write about.
Last week, i had to leave work to take Marshall in to get some blood.......He was blacking out and such, we got counts and shoot....they weren't much different than when he was in for Chemo his last day. His Doc went ahead and gave him a pint.......he could barely walk, and he was so busy the day before.......which is awesome and since then he has been doing so much better.
We left after "counts" to eat while we waited for the blood....takes bout an hour and a half to two to get it. We went to our usual "after clinic" blackstone! We ended up sitting outside bc it was such a beautiful day. He took off his hat and was getting a tan....LOL! I told him not to be without his hat for too long.....but he said "it will be worth it" He had the biggest smile on his face. Even while waiting for the car to go to lunch he was in the wheelchair (too weak to walk) he parked it in the sun.....blocking people, and i had to constantly say "sorry....he's basking in the sun....." they all laughed and said no prob.....they would to!
I enjoy my lunches with Marshall. I just stare at him and can't believe he's my son! i think back to things he did as a kid. He likes to do that more now too. he will ask if i remember this or that.......At lunch Marshall is his usual goof.....shooting the straw wrappers at me, but missing and hitting the guy behind me.....ohh, that was a good one.....LOL!!!!! They know us (brian and i have always gone there) but now every time Marshall and i come in, they get us "our booth" and fight over who gets to get Marshall a pillow to sit on....it's so funny. It's automatic "get a pillow" wonder if he will soon not need one?
this is an interesting journey to sit back and watch. It's not always interesting, but when things are good....it is. I watch him walk....how his life has changed......how he takes it........he is honest about things.....if i ask them. He doesn't like his life on hold........that's the hardest thing for him. I think we are all dreaming of the day when our lives begin again. I sure as heck am!!!!! The kids too.
I still can't believe my son has Cancer. wow!!! It's amazing that we are almost done and i still shake my head and think "gee, he has cancer" "his whole life has changed forever" I think about how he will have to get scans for the rest of his life, doc appointments for the rest of his life, wonder if he can find insurance to take him on. At least right now we have him covered, but when he is an adult, and on his own....it will be a struggle for the rest of his life along with many bills that they won't pay. Yes, he will be rid of the Big C, but he will be tidying up odds and ends for the rest of his life.
We as a family have all embraced Cancer. Not saying we are perfect, but think we have made it a topic that you can laugh at, joke about and at times cry about. I am so proud of the kids and how they have been so wonderful about all this. Time will tell with how it truly affected the kids in the months and years to come......hopefully Brian and i did a good job on holding the family together in our faith and home life.
I worry about how it is affecting the kids. i don't have time to do anything. everything is falling to the side......i guess i just have to look at it as "i can only do what i can do" and pray that Our Lord will hold them in His embrace and give them the graces necessary to keep on with their journey in life. I think we decided officially last night with the kids......for the summer....previously i wanted and did the whole family to go to Arizona and visit my family...it's been years....but i think we need "family time" with all we have been thru...we need to do something as just a family and spend time together having fun and not worrying about anything....so, we would love to go to the beach again....hopefully i can find a house on the beach for us......praying for that one......i am serious....i am asking Our Lord to please make this happen and please allow this to be Your will.....LOL!!!! I hope something will work out. i keep dreaming of the beach....with the kids.....we have always had so much fun.....my dream would be 2 weeks at the beach.....a week is not enough.....wouldn't that be awesome? oh!!!!! i wish it were that simple and money wasn't involved....people go all the time...2 and 3 times a year......it's so easy...nothing is easy for us...we have to spend more bc we need a bigger place....what people get with 3 other families we have to get for just ours....LOL!!!!! that's life.....i asked for it and i love it...wouldn't change it for the world!!!! so, in my prayers and am adding that maybe someone will have a beach house and offer it to us....LOL!!! isn't that selfish?
oh, and Brian and i think there really needs to be a "make a wish for parents" wonder if that would be something that could be done? think about it.....what all the parents go thru......and how it takes a toll on your relationship.......they really do need a "wish"........the time you don' t have, the emotions you go thru......the spreading yourself so thin you think at times it's going to snap....the finances....dealing with doctors, nurses, surgeons, students......having to double check everything they do......question things when you don't think it's right......staying on a floor where kids are dying if they are not in hospice..........I believe the parents do need something.............maybe that is what we will come up with....see so many possibilities.......things that can be done that only could have been done by going thru this. Marshall wants to raise awareness to childhood cancer and get more support for it and funding!!!!! i agree we focus too little on this issue and it's huge....it's the leading killer of kids.
This is like a 8 month long retreat. Constantly at your knees in prayer, thought and meditating. Life will never be the same for any of us. I hope that the kids will take the high road and use this for positive things. Take the good and lessons and help those that will face this in the future. I don't hate the Cancer it is a fact of life. Sure i don't want it to join the family, but well.....it's here.
We are so blessed.....we have so much....life could be so much worse. i wonder what my life in front of me holds? for all my children. What marvelous things will they all do? How will Marshall life out the rest of his life? What grand things will we take from the experience and help others? No parent should ever go thru this, but they do...and children daily are being diagnosed with cancer......now let's think about this.....CHILDREN ARE BEING DIAGNOSED!!!!
Not an adult, not an elderly person......a CHILD! their outlook is so different than someone who has led a glorious life. this child has their whole future in front of them. bc of cancer, they may not live as long bc of the side effects of the Chemo and Radiation......in order to save them you have to kill them. What do we do for these children and their parents that like us, will have a life long ...not battle, but i guess a war...with all the things they will have to do for the rest of their lives. I feel like i can't even complain bc of the itty bittys that are being diagnosed........i know i have said this before and maybe this is a whole repeat.
Marshall is a leader. He has a special job to do here on Earth. God has many things planned for him. I see him shining....big smile of his......laughing......and loving. He will put a face for teenagers and cancer. he will give them hope. the other day at clinic...i saw the road taken of hating it, complaining, thinking your the only one, not bothering to ask about others around them. this was an adult.....and you can see it affecting the child. it's so ugly and bitter....i am so glad that we don't behave like that. it's not all about them....it's about the children...all the children going thru this and all the parents having that in common. you are a family whether you like it or not.......your child is alive......SHUT UP!!! so sad....i just wanted to hug the kid and tell him.....it's okay....you don't have to act all tough and disrespectful at times. no wonder they all love Marshall so much.....he is respectful, he doesn't give them a hard time for doing their job......seriously....you have cancer......shut up and do what you need to do or go home and die!!!! that's what i wanted to say. I ended up saying "well, if you want chemo and get this over with...you gotta pee" i wanted to say "stop being a smartass about not peeing and go home if you really don't care" but i think he does, but with the lack of support from parents this is how he is dealing with. he is hurting.....and he doesn't seem to be getting any emotional support. he is has to be tough......and bitter...like his parent.....so sad.....
these children are our future...what you do today affects them tomorrow. i let Marshall see a movie last week and i was debating back and forth whether he could see it...i looked it up online......and i went ahead and said "yes" i asked him if it was a good movie and if i shoulda let him see it? he told me "nope, prob not..." he didn't lie......i was so proud of him and i was sad he saw it. it is so hard to keep these kids moral and not have the worldy society "be normal" to them. i am not trying to shelter them...but i don't have to make the watch stuff just bc of that......talk is out there enough......why do we have to shove sex down their little souls....that will become natural to them...no biggie.......i am not preaching...it's how i was raised and how i raise my kids....and the whining i get ALL the time bc there are no movies my kids can see...it's a shame!!!! makes me mad.....unfortunately the movie industry could care less about our children...they care about money.....so it's up to us to be the meanies.....in this battle.....how did i get on this....LOL!!!
gotta go put the sheets in the dryer and get another load going......
oh, our Man Cave is coming along. Brian and i basically finished the painting....YEA!!!! took forever..but it's looks great!!!!! glad we took our time and did it right.......bar is in...it will be stained on thursday along with the lights...we will finally have lights down there...it's been what...couple months now.....LOL!!!! carpet next week and then we are trying to get a date for the furniture/unveil day.....it's gonna look awesome and i am ready to have that room back......
now, we just need to get the rest of our lives and house work together and we would be good to go!!!! so, much needs to be done......
God Bless
St Peregrine and Blessed Giorgio Frassati, Pray for us
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
These Precious Souls
I just saw the news on facebook from a mom I met thru the 6th floor, the Chemo Inn. Her daughter has what Marshall has. She is done with all her treatments, and is in remission!!!! On facebook though I saw that she posted that a little 11 year old girl lost her battle to Cancer today. I have heard that this little girl wasn't doing well......my heart!
There is so much to say when you hear of some parent loosing their little child to Cancer. You can't let it get to you. You can't live for the depressing news of another child loosing their battle, but you do have to spread the word. It's the way you deal with it. I don't necessarily want to post of facebook of another child dying, but you have to pray for their souls and the families left behind. these kids are happy and in Heaven!!! You can't doubt that......but these families are now living in what Hell is like....yearning for someone you can't ever see again....well, you will, but i don't want to get into symantics.....you understand what i mean? hopefully.....
When in the Chemo Inn it's no big deal to pass a parent crying, see them look like crap or wear the same clothes that they were the day before. you don't even flinch...I did in the beginning.....i saw a woman crying going into our first weekend....I was shocked.....now I know....it's an unspoken part of life...the grief, the fear, the exhaustion and the wonder.....
I am not sad for the child that is finally pain free as of today. she is another sould that we can ask her to pray for us. We can have her go to Our Lord for our benefit....and who could deny this precious little soul. That is what I picture. I looked at her pictures and yes she did have a contagious smile!!!! gorgeous.......little girl.
My heart cries for the family. She was diagnosed in 2006.....can you imagine? that is a long time. I know she prob had good times and assume that she was in remission at one point. i haven't read the whole journal.....i felt called to write more than i could on facebook.....so i stopped.
What i want to say is stop complaining, stop worrying, just shut up and be grateful for what is before you today! Yes, my child could die, yours could die...but shoot....we don't know so why waste your time and already being in "hell" and just stare at those beautiful eyes before you and thank God for every stinking second......we were given life by our parents as a gift from Our Lord. Those souls that are not allowed to be born, will never have the opportunity to even have a chance to love, cry, hurt and know who God is. They are denied all of that. Even though Marshall has Cancer and has 1 out of a 5 chance to survive this.....I would do it all over again. Heaven is for eternity. that's forever!!!!! this life is short.......yes, it means a lot to us I am not looking forward to dying...to be honest....forever i just can't grasp.....ever and ever and ever.....man.....all will make sense in Heaven! sowhat we suffer......no, not what i want for my child. i would rather do it, but you can sit there and bring up and think about how awful it is......and how wrong it is........which it is, but okay, fine take it away.....in order for that you would have to take away that soul!!!! that special soul......that soul that God chose to give to you. Just you!!!!! whether you, your hubby, wife, children are healthy or not......it's something that was given to us. We didn't get a signed agreement that says...your life is gonna be joyous and full of everything you desire. We are here for one purpose that is to get to Heaven! that's it...plain and simple....we are to live our lives according to get there.
i believe the cancer is a blessing. I know it sounds wierd but you know.....God is going to take everything bad or good and always use it for His benefit. Marshall is bringing people back to their faiths, he is having people praying that haven't prayed in years. He is a witness to a life with your faith and your option on how to live it. We get handed our lives and it's up to us what to do with it. People say they are so blessed bc they don't have a sick child, or one with cancer.....We are blessed to!!!! I will never doubt it!!!!
No, i believe it is unfair that these little kids have to suffer and die....i really do. I don't want to ever be that parent. it would kill me......but you know if i have to i will. so, all those parents that still have their children that have beat the odds...you are so blessed! i pray all the time....don't let that be me. don't call me to that. when we pray for the dearly departed...that is my strongest voice....don't let that be marshall. please, but i do add....if so....give me the strength.
this mother will never be able to hold he daughter again......but she got 11 years with this child and will have the opportunity to spend eternity with her, i am not making light of the situation.....i am trying to be positive.....and those of you with healthy children......you have years according to you. you prob don't even think of it.....your child dying.......it's something that a parent with a child that has cancer has to think about, has to prepare for and no matter what you can't make your mind not think about it daily. there is not a day that the one little thought doesn't enter my head. you have to train yourself to have it leave as soon as it popped in......not easy.....things will set you off, a show, heck Marshall's puck drop......anything...out of the blue....today, hearing of this precious girl......yep....went right to it......i thought of Marshall. I have had dreams of him dying i have cried in my dreams as i know i would cry. i have felt that pain in my dreams.....i never ever want to feel it in real life........EVER. like i said.....i think it's like Hell......that just popped into my head as i was writing this....miserable, in pain, sorrow, yearning for something you will never have on this earth again......i tear up when i meet a parent who has lost a child....it's automatic now. it's like you know them and you hug them, but i am the lucky one, i feel bad........and i remind myself that i am the blessed one. my cancer child is still here...breathing........he is still here!!!!!!!
people come up to us and tell us all the time "i don't know how you do it" i don't either. well, i do....it's our faith. plain and simple. i still can't explain it. i really can't. yes, i am done, yes i am stressed, yes i hate the chemo inn nights, yes i hate when it's my turn to spend the night, yes i hate seeing my son see through, yes i hate watching him eat 10 nuggets and throw up the 9 he got down and is left with one, yes i hate seeing him disappear to a skelaton, yes i want to make it better, yes i want to be the one to feel the pain so he doesn't have to, yes i want him to be the one that can go out for lunch and dinner while i get the chemo, yes i want him to be able to sit up straight and not be hunched over bc you are so tired with your mouth wide open trying to breathe, yes i want him to be able to do his household duties......
Life is a choice. I have to daily choose a path i am going to take......every day you have an opportunity. i continue to have my smile, my make up on, and dress for the day....not today....LOL!!!! i am scumming it.....hee-hee. my friend told me this weekend that "man, you look great....i didn't expect you to look so put together".....LOL!!!!! i try to keep my life as it was before.......the cancer is the only thing that has changed and everything that goes with it. Life goes on.......We can't do this alone. If it weren't for my faith, the Blessed Mother, Our Lord and all the Angels and Saints....and the millions praying for us.....nope....i'd be a basketcase......who wouldn't be.
We all have a purpose and we don't know the 'whys' but it's not for us to know. God sees the bigger picture.....have you ever noticed that people that get these awful diagnosis....shouldn't live past the age of 1, should be blind and die before 1, etc.....they have surpassed and are probably going to live longer than us.....they are strong ones they are.......they are the blessed ones...someone told me just on wednesday.
I know this is a lot of babbling......and much prob doesn't make sense.....i am sorry!
May you have a continued Blessed Lent.......
There is so much to say when you hear of some parent loosing their little child to Cancer. You can't let it get to you. You can't live for the depressing news of another child loosing their battle, but you do have to spread the word. It's the way you deal with it. I don't necessarily want to post of facebook of another child dying, but you have to pray for their souls and the families left behind. these kids are happy and in Heaven!!! You can't doubt that......but these families are now living in what Hell is like....yearning for someone you can't ever see again....well, you will, but i don't want to get into symantics.....you understand what i mean? hopefully.....
When in the Chemo Inn it's no big deal to pass a parent crying, see them look like crap or wear the same clothes that they were the day before. you don't even flinch...I did in the beginning.....i saw a woman crying going into our first weekend....I was shocked.....now I know....it's an unspoken part of life...the grief, the fear, the exhaustion and the wonder.....
I am not sad for the child that is finally pain free as of today. she is another sould that we can ask her to pray for us. We can have her go to Our Lord for our benefit....and who could deny this precious little soul. That is what I picture. I looked at her pictures and yes she did have a contagious smile!!!! gorgeous.......little girl.
My heart cries for the family. She was diagnosed in 2006.....can you imagine? that is a long time. I know she prob had good times and assume that she was in remission at one point. i haven't read the whole journal.....i felt called to write more than i could on facebook.....so i stopped.
What i want to say is stop complaining, stop worrying, just shut up and be grateful for what is before you today! Yes, my child could die, yours could die...but shoot....we don't know so why waste your time and already being in "hell" and just stare at those beautiful eyes before you and thank God for every stinking second......we were given life by our parents as a gift from Our Lord. Those souls that are not allowed to be born, will never have the opportunity to even have a chance to love, cry, hurt and know who God is. They are denied all of that. Even though Marshall has Cancer and has 1 out of a 5 chance to survive this.....I would do it all over again. Heaven is for eternity. that's forever!!!!! this life is short.......yes, it means a lot to us I am not looking forward to dying...to be honest....forever i just can't grasp.....ever and ever and ever.....man.....all will make sense in Heaven! sowhat we suffer......no, not what i want for my child. i would rather do it, but you can sit there and bring up and think about how awful it is......and how wrong it is........which it is, but okay, fine take it away.....in order for that you would have to take away that soul!!!! that special soul......that soul that God chose to give to you. Just you!!!!! whether you, your hubby, wife, children are healthy or not......it's something that was given to us. We didn't get a signed agreement that says...your life is gonna be joyous and full of everything you desire. We are here for one purpose that is to get to Heaven! that's it...plain and simple....we are to live our lives according to get there.
i believe the cancer is a blessing. I know it sounds wierd but you know.....God is going to take everything bad or good and always use it for His benefit. Marshall is bringing people back to their faiths, he is having people praying that haven't prayed in years. He is a witness to a life with your faith and your option on how to live it. We get handed our lives and it's up to us what to do with it. People say they are so blessed bc they don't have a sick child, or one with cancer.....We are blessed to!!!! I will never doubt it!!!!
No, i believe it is unfair that these little kids have to suffer and die....i really do. I don't want to ever be that parent. it would kill me......but you know if i have to i will. so, all those parents that still have their children that have beat the odds...you are so blessed! i pray all the time....don't let that be me. don't call me to that. when we pray for the dearly departed...that is my strongest voice....don't let that be marshall. please, but i do add....if so....give me the strength.
this mother will never be able to hold he daughter again......but she got 11 years with this child and will have the opportunity to spend eternity with her, i am not making light of the situation.....i am trying to be positive.....and those of you with healthy children......you have years according to you. you prob don't even think of it.....your child dying.......it's something that a parent with a child that has cancer has to think about, has to prepare for and no matter what you can't make your mind not think about it daily. there is not a day that the one little thought doesn't enter my head. you have to train yourself to have it leave as soon as it popped in......not easy.....things will set you off, a show, heck Marshall's puck drop......anything...out of the blue....today, hearing of this precious girl......yep....went right to it......i thought of Marshall. I have had dreams of him dying i have cried in my dreams as i know i would cry. i have felt that pain in my dreams.....i never ever want to feel it in real life........EVER. like i said.....i think it's like Hell......that just popped into my head as i was writing this....miserable, in pain, sorrow, yearning for something you will never have on this earth again......i tear up when i meet a parent who has lost a child....it's automatic now. it's like you know them and you hug them, but i am the lucky one, i feel bad........and i remind myself that i am the blessed one. my cancer child is still here...breathing........he is still here!!!!!!!
people come up to us and tell us all the time "i don't know how you do it" i don't either. well, i do....it's our faith. plain and simple. i still can't explain it. i really can't. yes, i am done, yes i am stressed, yes i hate the chemo inn nights, yes i hate when it's my turn to spend the night, yes i hate seeing my son see through, yes i hate watching him eat 10 nuggets and throw up the 9 he got down and is left with one, yes i hate seeing him disappear to a skelaton, yes i want to make it better, yes i want to be the one to feel the pain so he doesn't have to, yes i want him to be the one that can go out for lunch and dinner while i get the chemo, yes i want him to be able to sit up straight and not be hunched over bc you are so tired with your mouth wide open trying to breathe, yes i want him to be able to do his household duties......
Life is a choice. I have to daily choose a path i am going to take......every day you have an opportunity. i continue to have my smile, my make up on, and dress for the day....not today....LOL!!!! i am scumming it.....hee-hee. my friend told me this weekend that "man, you look great....i didn't expect you to look so put together".....LOL!!!!! i try to keep my life as it was before.......the cancer is the only thing that has changed and everything that goes with it. Life goes on.......We can't do this alone. If it weren't for my faith, the Blessed Mother, Our Lord and all the Angels and Saints....and the millions praying for us.....nope....i'd be a basketcase......who wouldn't be.
We all have a purpose and we don't know the 'whys' but it's not for us to know. God sees the bigger picture.....have you ever noticed that people that get these awful diagnosis....shouldn't live past the age of 1, should be blind and die before 1, etc.....they have surpassed and are probably going to live longer than us.....they are strong ones they are.......they are the blessed ones...someone told me just on wednesday.
I know this is a lot of babbling......and much prob doesn't make sense.....i am sorry!
May you have a continued Blessed Lent.......
Friday, March 18, 2011
where am I?
I have so much to say...where do i start....well, i was gonna start about 2 hours ago...it's my night to stay at the hospital....beats being home alone...i had scary dreams last night...lol...well, it wasn't fun sleeping last night with me all alone in the house by myself....beside the point.....
i am tired.....have i ever mentioned that before? i worked today, and then went to the hospital and had to meet brian outside bc marshall had visitors....2 per room....and he had two....so brian and i went to get something to eat....came back...we picked him up 10 nuggets.......on the way back.....brian left....i am still tired by the way......i missed a call from brian telling me that marshall has visitors coming up the room....while that was going on i was getting my face ready for the night, just put my hair up...i looked at the toilet and marshall had thrown up while going to the bathroom......it happens it's life unfortunately for him sometimes......
so he threw up 9 nuggets...he said "well, i went from eating 9 to 1...." have to see the humor.....
so, i have to go so bad, i have to reput my make up on bc he has two friends coming up........i just wanted to get in bed and read.....so.....they eventually get here and i leave.....off to go get a drink....marshall says thirty minutes.....where else am i supposed to go at 8 pm at night. can't go outside in the gorgeous weather and read....no biggie.....i see a mom that her daughter has just come up here due to a fever and a nose bleed.......we are neighbors...they are next door to us.....so, i saw her bringing in her things was i told her i was getting kicked out.....then i come back it was time...i gave him 30 minutes......then he tells me he was having fun and didn't want them to leave....told him next time let me know.....before he wasn't in the mood but i guess he got in the mood....so....i need to get more diet coke.....i ask him if he needs anything...says bottled water....okay, call brian and ask where to get it at almost 9 at night...."family room" he says outside the door....so, i take my cup....refill my diet coke, go into the room and for bottled water it costs $1.25....i whip out my 2 ones.....crap...it's a 1 and a 5.......LOL....so, i go back to my room and swap out the 5 for a 1.....i go and it's all good....as i am going back i run into the mom again......."our neighbor" her daughter has what marshall has......they have become buds....we pass by at clinic and all....anyway, we go into 6B together and i told her i had to go back and get the correct change...we are chatting, we stop at my room door and i am asking about her daughter, we are talking about the doctors, what time we get up...telling her if she needs someone let me know...i am here all night.......we chat for about 5 min....i am tired. by the way......and she goes off to her room....we are neighbors........i open the door that we have been chatting at for 5 min now.....and i stop.......i am looking at two parents, they don't look to happy and an adorable little 5-7 year old boy in the bed.....i say "Omgosh, i am so sorry....wrong room......i am crouching.,.....knees bent...arms out....bottled water in hand.....bc i went in like i normally do....bump the door with my butt so not to touch anything....i continue with the "i am so sorry.....wrong room....." again, spaced out faces and expressions....they say nothing...the boy just looks and i just leave.....i quietly close the door and go "next door" then it all clicks when i see the mom going two doors down...duh!!!!!
this whole time i have been here i have wanted to go into that room....for some reason i keep thinking that that is where marshall is...nope!!!!!!! only me........
so, embarrassed as i am...i go in and laugh and tell marshall call brian and tell him he is so not surprised.......i get ready for bed...i am going to write in my blog....marshall asks me to massage his foot....i hate feet....the smell the feel......i touch brian's with the tip of my fingers and go....ok....done.....but i have done this before and only for marshall....you know i love him when i spend an hour very gently rubbing his inner foot and his big toe...not to hard and not to soft but more on the not to hard part...
marshall put in one of the DVDs of the preds game that he was the ambassador for....i laughed....it's all the footage of them following him around.......at one point marshall was on the zambonie (it smooths the ice down....during the intermission.......so, colin was playing musical chairs on the ice and i see the huge zambonie coming towards us....and i comment how huge it is.....and it passes us........now, we are watching the DVD and i see this.....you actually hear me laugh and marshall is saying...that's my brother...that's my brother.....the two of us had no idea we were there.....LOL! i stared at that thing....i guess i was so engrossed in the hugeness of it all......
there are other things too....but it was fun to watch some of the footage....with marshall's nurse.....
i am so tired........i forget what i was going to write about.....i guess this is what was meant to be...hopefully it will give you a laugh......cheer someone up.....that's what i do best.....mess up....flub up.....and always say the wrong things......and everyone laughs...i am good......i am okay with that....heck...i laugh........just wish sometimes it wasn't me....ALL THE TIME
i am tired.....have i ever mentioned that before? i worked today, and then went to the hospital and had to meet brian outside bc marshall had visitors....2 per room....and he had two....so brian and i went to get something to eat....came back...we picked him up 10 nuggets.......on the way back.....brian left....i am still tired by the way......i missed a call from brian telling me that marshall has visitors coming up the room....while that was going on i was getting my face ready for the night, just put my hair up...i looked at the toilet and marshall had thrown up while going to the bathroom......it happens it's life unfortunately for him sometimes......
so he threw up 9 nuggets...he said "well, i went from eating 9 to 1...." have to see the humor.....
so, i have to go so bad, i have to reput my make up on bc he has two friends coming up........i just wanted to get in bed and read.....so.....they eventually get here and i leave.....off to go get a drink....marshall says thirty minutes.....where else am i supposed to go at 8 pm at night. can't go outside in the gorgeous weather and read....no biggie.....i see a mom that her daughter has just come up here due to a fever and a nose bleed.......we are neighbors...they are next door to us.....so, i saw her bringing in her things was i told her i was getting kicked out.....then i come back it was time...i gave him 30 minutes......then he tells me he was having fun and didn't want them to leave....told him next time let me know.....before he wasn't in the mood but i guess he got in the mood....so....i need to get more diet coke.....i ask him if he needs anything...says bottled water....okay, call brian and ask where to get it at almost 9 at night...."family room" he says outside the door....so, i take my cup....refill my diet coke, go into the room and for bottled water it costs $1.25....i whip out my 2 ones.....crap...it's a 1 and a 5.......LOL....so, i go back to my room and swap out the 5 for a 1.....i go and it's all good....as i am going back i run into the mom again......."our neighbor" her daughter has what marshall has......they have become buds....we pass by at clinic and all....anyway, we go into 6B together and i told her i had to go back and get the correct change...we are chatting, we stop at my room door and i am asking about her daughter, we are talking about the doctors, what time we get up...telling her if she needs someone let me know...i am here all night.......we chat for about 5 min....i am tired. by the way......and she goes off to her room....we are neighbors........i open the door that we have been chatting at for 5 min now.....and i stop.......i am looking at two parents, they don't look to happy and an adorable little 5-7 year old boy in the bed.....i say "Omgosh, i am so sorry....wrong room......i am crouching.,.....knees bent...arms out....bottled water in hand.....bc i went in like i normally do....bump the door with my butt so not to touch anything....i continue with the "i am so sorry.....wrong room....." again, spaced out faces and expressions....they say nothing...the boy just looks and i just leave.....i quietly close the door and go "next door" then it all clicks when i see the mom going two doors down...duh!!!!!
this whole time i have been here i have wanted to go into that room....for some reason i keep thinking that that is where marshall is...nope!!!!!!! only me........
so, embarrassed as i am...i go in and laugh and tell marshall call brian and tell him he is so not surprised.......i get ready for bed...i am going to write in my blog....marshall asks me to massage his foot....i hate feet....the smell the feel......i touch brian's with the tip of my fingers and go....ok....done.....but i have done this before and only for marshall....you know i love him when i spend an hour very gently rubbing his inner foot and his big toe...not to hard and not to soft but more on the not to hard part...
marshall put in one of the DVDs of the preds game that he was the ambassador for....i laughed....it's all the footage of them following him around.......at one point marshall was on the zambonie (it smooths the ice down....during the intermission.......so, colin was playing musical chairs on the ice and i see the huge zambonie coming towards us....and i comment how huge it is.....and it passes us........now, we are watching the DVD and i see this.....you actually hear me laugh and marshall is saying...that's my brother...that's my brother.....the two of us had no idea we were there.....LOL! i stared at that thing....i guess i was so engrossed in the hugeness of it all......
there are other things too....but it was fun to watch some of the footage....with marshall's nurse.....
i am so tired........i forget what i was going to write about.....i guess this is what was meant to be...hopefully it will give you a laugh......cheer someone up.....that's what i do best.....mess up....flub up.....and always say the wrong things......and everyone laughs...i am good......i am okay with that....heck...i laugh........just wish sometimes it wasn't me....ALL THE TIME
Monday, March 14, 2011
Exhaustion
Wow!!!! that's about all i can say for this last week....we went from the previous weekend with Marshall not doing well at all, to a spend the night at the Chemo Inn, to him recouping, life moving on, me working, me saying i will work for a coworker on saturday for her, to rushing home to get ready for the Preds game and Marshall's Puck drop, to the game being a blur, not getting home til 11 pm, to Sunday, Mass, watching Colin's baseball game, getting home, painting the basement (Marshall's man cave) and today we have clinic to get Marshall's counts for Chemo #10 on wednesday, then tonight we go to BF Myers Furniture to pick out Broyhill furniture for his man cave. It's a plublicity thing...Marshall had to turn in an application (well, our wish granter did that...thought he was perfect for it and they did pick him-he gets to pick out his furniture....I'm hopen there's black broyhill furniture out there....LOL) and there may be some cameras and a paper there...no clue if it's broyhill's or what......man!!! i need a makeup girl to follow me around right now....should be done after tonight....at the preds game....since i worked i just really touched up my makeup....didn't really think of all the pics that were gonna be taken....LOL!!!!! oh well, i guess you can say ...... hmmmm let me think about that.
Hockey Fights Cancer Night....
where to start? like i said above....it was a blur!!!! i really didn't watch much of the game...missed most of the things marshall did.......being in the stands when Marshall came out to drop the puck......everyone stood up...and the cheers and the volume....i am getting the chills all over again.....i cried.......you could barely here Marshall's story it was so loud!!!!! Catherine was sitting next to me and all of a sudden i heard a sob...then saw shoulders bounce....i held her...she was balling!!!!! bless her heart....you just never know when it is going to hit you.......your fine one minute and then you see something or hear something and your gone.......i held her for about 10 min......thank goodness i was sitting next to her....she is a tough cookie...
Colin and his little friend that was also at the game with a couple of other kids played musical chairs on the ice....it was hysterical.......colin won....and the zambonie went right by me as they were done playing and i guess Marshall was right there on it.....LOL didn't even see him. i stared at it bc it's soooo big!!!! since i was busy with colin and such i missed i guess all the Marshall stuff.....oh well we are getting a DVD. At least i saw the drop!!!!
afterwards, we met a family and one of the girls a senior in high school had a sarcoma. it was in her muscle and they were able to take it out......she is beautiful. she's been wanting to meet Marshall so i asked the girl that arranged this night for us if they could come down to locker room.....she said follow us....so, i got to talk to them a little bit.....we got down there and all our present/past cancer friends were there.....ashley who is done, kayla (just behind Marshall) it was great. i introduced them to megan.....it's a family.....and your automatically in......and surrrounded by so much love, support and complete understanding....
I finally got to meet the mother of Brandi (she dropped the puck last October) it was our first hockey game and it was the Hockey Fights Cancer Night. We cried when we heard her story she was 9 i think. she passed away in dec. i think....that was hard!
If all goes well today then we will go in on Wed. and not be done til Sunday...dreading this for Marshall....it's so long for us....and we aren't the ones trapped in a room with Peter by me the whole time....hopefully since this Chemo it's not constant and if the weather is nice he can go outside in their little park setting on the sixth floor and play his guitar outside...that helps him so much.
I'm so tired......but we are almost there....i see the light!!!!! hopefully be done in the beginning of June!!!!! well, Aidan put on Sponge Bob so I can't think anymore....LOL!!!
please keep all cancer kids in your prayers and their families.......
Hockey Fights Cancer Night....
where to start? like i said above....it was a blur!!!! i really didn't watch much of the game...missed most of the things marshall did.......being in the stands when Marshall came out to drop the puck......everyone stood up...and the cheers and the volume....i am getting the chills all over again.....i cried.......you could barely here Marshall's story it was so loud!!!!! Catherine was sitting next to me and all of a sudden i heard a sob...then saw shoulders bounce....i held her...she was balling!!!!! bless her heart....you just never know when it is going to hit you.......your fine one minute and then you see something or hear something and your gone.......i held her for about 10 min......thank goodness i was sitting next to her....she is a tough cookie...
Colin and his little friend that was also at the game with a couple of other kids played musical chairs on the ice....it was hysterical.......colin won....and the zambonie went right by me as they were done playing and i guess Marshall was right there on it.....LOL didn't even see him. i stared at it bc it's soooo big!!!! since i was busy with colin and such i missed i guess all the Marshall stuff.....oh well we are getting a DVD. At least i saw the drop!!!!
afterwards, we met a family and one of the girls a senior in high school had a sarcoma. it was in her muscle and they were able to take it out......she is beautiful. she's been wanting to meet Marshall so i asked the girl that arranged this night for us if they could come down to locker room.....she said follow us....so, i got to talk to them a little bit.....we got down there and all our present/past cancer friends were there.....ashley who is done, kayla (just behind Marshall) it was great. i introduced them to megan.....it's a family.....and your automatically in......and surrrounded by so much love, support and complete understanding....
I finally got to meet the mother of Brandi (she dropped the puck last October) it was our first hockey game and it was the Hockey Fights Cancer Night. We cried when we heard her story she was 9 i think. she passed away in dec. i think....that was hard!
If all goes well today then we will go in on Wed. and not be done til Sunday...dreading this for Marshall....it's so long for us....and we aren't the ones trapped in a room with Peter by me the whole time....hopefully since this Chemo it's not constant and if the weather is nice he can go outside in their little park setting on the sixth floor and play his guitar outside...that helps him so much.
I'm so tired......but we are almost there....i see the light!!!!! hopefully be done in the beginning of June!!!!! well, Aidan put on Sponge Bob so I can't think anymore....LOL!!!
please keep all cancer kids in your prayers and their families.......
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Eyelashes.....Gone
Well, I haven't written in awhile.....I have been busy with either thoughts, emotions, physical crap, work, house, home (is there a difference? yes there is) I noticed while at the ER that Marshall has lost his eyelashes.....and most of his brows....he was trying so hard. I noticed it this weekend when I was tending to him....when not feeling good.....ugh!!!!! he tried to not touch those brows and such....this is it...the battle is front and center. We are facing it right on!!! no side stepping, denying......imagining.....IT'S HERE. the ugly head has reared it's head and it's here to kill and defeat.....it's wants blood....it's taking all anybody has to give....I see it, I feel it, it's not pretty...but here we are...and we are in battle positions.....I will go before my son goes!!!!! I will fight before and in front of my son.....this thang.....ain't seen anything yet.....I am a woman, I am a mother....and I have fury.....don't mess with me!!!!
Anyway, Marshall is in the hospital and I am home, Brian is there with Marshall. He not doing good....really not. He hates this place and I fought to have him not stay the night....yes, I pouted......you bet I did and Brian was the mature one saying...yes, we need to stay rather be safe than sorry....Oh, I want to be safe...but saw and see the pain in Marshall with the news.....wish I could take it from him.....It's like our Mother Mary.....watching her son, beaten, mocked, spit at, laughed at, stomped at, whipped at, pushed at, pulled at, heaviness, burden, all that weight on the cross that He carried at the end....so much, so hard, there is something I want to add, but my husband came up with this beautiful comment and I can't take that away from him even though it flows so perfectly in what I am talking about....but I told him I wouldn't take it from him.....did I mention that it flowed so well and it just came....LOL (yes.....this is hard to hold back......it was so perfect and natural...a promise is a promise...) love you, Brian!!!!
point is....hmmmm life sucks right now, and even Our Lord had a hard time. I am not saying that Marshall compares to what Our Lord went thru....no way!!!!! I would anyday.....take Chemo....rather than be hung on the cross to die....that is why we hold Our Lord high....what He did for us.....all that He did for us.....all that He did no matter how hard it was....He did it for us........he faltered a tad....well, questioned....but never, ever.....ever, ever....gave up!!! that is what we look towards.....I can't talk for Marshall, but you know that that is what he is looking at....we are humbled with what we are going thru right now. who can't be? seriously......????? it's hard, but you look at your life....are you okay? can you handle it? do you have a choice? of course you do? so what now? well, move on! what else is there? sit down and die? Hell no...Our Lord sure as heck didn't!!!! so neither will we!!! we have so much to offer up as my father reminded me....so many souls in purgatory, and those here on this blessed earth that need our prayers more than we do......offer....offer....offer....offer....up!!!!!! that's what we do. every time I get mad.....that things aren't done like I want them....I would rather not go into detail...so as not to discuss each and every moment of our life.....it's a "you have to be there" thing....and I know people want the truth, but seriously....I would prefer it kept a little quiet right now... I am not going to discuss certain aspects of our lives right now bc they are getting harder. and yes, I am sooooo human....and I get uptight at times.....I am not perfect and yes, kids should be doing certain things....that are not, but I let things slide now bc of our situation....my fault....maybe........will I accept fault....youo bet I will. I am doing the best I can with what I have been faced with. Has it caused disruption with the WHOLE family....duh!!!!! yes it has.......one wants to give this, the other wants to give that, then one wants to hold back on this, but then the other wants to hold back on this....is it stressfull......hell yes......it's frustration...on every front. are we good.....yes....not to say that there is no yelling, but yes.....life sucks right now....we are hunkering down for the worst....and it's getting worse......then when you got mad at something that Marshall did or didn't do.....and then you look back.......are you sorry? do you stand firm? was it right? were you wrong? were you right? well, he is a teenager.....and most probably he is wrong most of the time!!!!!! face it!!!! how many times were you right as a teenager? fighting for what you wanted to do? but we have "life" to consider....that's the hard part....do you let him go out? did he tell you all he was going thru? looking back would you do it again? did you listen to your gut? did you listen to your wife? did you listen to your son? did you listen to your husband? did you listen to your daughter? did you listen to your other daughter? did you hear your other son? did you answer you other son? did you hear what your other son said? did you remember to do what your other child asked? did you respond to your other child? did you get the cleats, mitts, baseball/softball bags......? did you? did you ? should have kept your kids home from a movie?
these are the things that go thru my mind......on top of all that is going on....our "man cave" yes....we kicked the kids out a month ago and it hasn't been finished with painting.....they can't really go down there. we had to take out the lights.....i asked one of my kids to go and get me the vacuum and he asked "will i be able to see?" LOL!!!!! we lost a 1/3 of our house... the playroom....for our 7 kids...granted not all seven play down there...but you know what I mean.....it's been hard and we are working thru that.....it has added a lot of stress on us as a family......you should here the comments.....LOL but we have to remember that it's for Marshall......and he so wants this Man Cave.....we will get there...it's one breath at a time and one second at a time.
I go thru high and lows.....hmmmm...could do without the lows...seriously....do I have not enough to deal with? apparently not....who am I to argue.....I am not going to do that....I can do this....I am doing this....and I will do this....anyone who doubts....hell no!!! don't go there. there is no despair....it's what the devil wants and if your like me...you are not going to give him a darn thing to smile about. if anything....I want him to be upset, mad, furious.....pissed, fisted.........and angry bc I/we didn't flee to him during this time! I ain't going there.......neither is anyone else if I have any say in it....you can do it!!!!
Chin up, prayers up, offerings up........love up, understanding up, forgivness up........keep it up! you will and can do it. you can be pissed all you want but what is it good for? where does it get you? pissed and possibly without the ones you love and lonely trying to find a place to live...but no place will have you....bc you are so bitter, angry and ugly....stand up...be proud, and face life like it has faced you.......God is here! He allows things to happen....shut up and go with it!!!!! don't complain...okay, you can cry...I do....my mini seconds.....you can be pissed but be reasonable....don't depress all around you....we all have our problems......I welcome people that come to me to talk about their problems......people are afraid to talk to me about them...but WE ALL HAVE THEM! on different levels.....what my level is may be the same as your level but to you it's a different level...get it.....? I am where I am .... I am not fragile, or going to break!!!!!! I am strong and I will survive.....I want to be there for my friends, but friends won't let me in bc they want to be nice and not burden me.....well, I am burdened with not being burdened! I am burdened with the fact that I can't be a friend anymore bc my child has Cancer.....yes....it's tough...stressfull.....I can handle being a friend still...I want to be a friend still......just don't put a pressure on me like "hey, you want my 11 kids for the week?" things like that......LOL okay, those of you with those kids. ....you know it's a joke and you would never do that......love you all!!!!!!
Just bc we have a child that has Cancer doesn't mean we don't stop living....we still want and need to be needed....we still need to be talked to and listened to....we still need the acceptance that we ask of you......I am fair and what I expect of a friend and what I expect a friend to expect from me!!!!!
I was told AGAIN tonight that I looked like "Mariah Carey" if I can do that.....I can take anything......LOL!!!!! my husband told me when we dated that I looked like her....I never and still don't take it as a compliment.....LOL! okay, I am hard on myself.......don't ask....anyway, no offence to her....or those that compliment me.......let's just say.....I don't like it....LOL!!!!! poor Brian....he is so proud and I wimper.....I love her......believe me....maybe it's bc she looks so much like me that's what I don't like...that's a whole other issue....so don't want to get into that!!!!! Help us all....yes, I am insecure....yes, I don't like compliments.....yes, I can't stand a lot of stuff......I want to be hidden...and funny thing is.....this Cancer.....has brought us out whether we like it or not.....maybe that's it....? but this is not the forum that I created to be discussing this.
Okay, do I delete? does it mean something? it just something simple ? probably....so gonna keep it even though I really don't want to....gonna be bold and let it stick.....
Blessed Giorgio Frassati, and St Peregrine, pray for us
Anyway, Marshall is in the hospital and I am home, Brian is there with Marshall. He not doing good....really not. He hates this place and I fought to have him not stay the night....yes, I pouted......you bet I did and Brian was the mature one saying...yes, we need to stay rather be safe than sorry....Oh, I want to be safe...but saw and see the pain in Marshall with the news.....wish I could take it from him.....It's like our Mother Mary.....watching her son, beaten, mocked, spit at, laughed at, stomped at, whipped at, pushed at, pulled at, heaviness, burden, all that weight on the cross that He carried at the end....so much, so hard, there is something I want to add, but my husband came up with this beautiful comment and I can't take that away from him even though it flows so perfectly in what I am talking about....but I told him I wouldn't take it from him.....did I mention that it flowed so well and it just came....LOL (yes.....this is hard to hold back......it was so perfect and natural...a promise is a promise...) love you, Brian!!!!
point is....hmmmm life sucks right now, and even Our Lord had a hard time. I am not saying that Marshall compares to what Our Lord went thru....no way!!!!! I would anyday.....take Chemo....rather than be hung on the cross to die....that is why we hold Our Lord high....what He did for us.....all that He did for us.....all that He did no matter how hard it was....He did it for us........he faltered a tad....well, questioned....but never, ever.....ever, ever....gave up!!! that is what we look towards.....I can't talk for Marshall, but you know that that is what he is looking at....we are humbled with what we are going thru right now. who can't be? seriously......????? it's hard, but you look at your life....are you okay? can you handle it? do you have a choice? of course you do? so what now? well, move on! what else is there? sit down and die? Hell no...Our Lord sure as heck didn't!!!! so neither will we!!! we have so much to offer up as my father reminded me....so many souls in purgatory, and those here on this blessed earth that need our prayers more than we do......offer....offer....offer....offer....up!!!!!! that's what we do. every time I get mad.....that things aren't done like I want them....I would rather not go into detail...so as not to discuss each and every moment of our life.....it's a "you have to be there" thing....and I know people want the truth, but seriously....I would prefer it kept a little quiet right now... I am not going to discuss certain aspects of our lives right now bc they are getting harder. and yes, I am sooooo human....and I get uptight at times.....I am not perfect and yes, kids should be doing certain things....that are not, but I let things slide now bc of our situation....my fault....maybe........will I accept fault....youo bet I will. I am doing the best I can with what I have been faced with. Has it caused disruption with the WHOLE family....duh!!!!! yes it has.......one wants to give this, the other wants to give that, then one wants to hold back on this, but then the other wants to hold back on this....is it stressfull......hell yes......it's frustration...on every front. are we good.....yes....not to say that there is no yelling, but yes.....life sucks right now....we are hunkering down for the worst....and it's getting worse......then when you got mad at something that Marshall did or didn't do.....and then you look back.......are you sorry? do you stand firm? was it right? were you wrong? were you right? well, he is a teenager.....and most probably he is wrong most of the time!!!!!! face it!!!! how many times were you right as a teenager? fighting for what you wanted to do? but we have "life" to consider....that's the hard part....do you let him go out? did he tell you all he was going thru? looking back would you do it again? did you listen to your gut? did you listen to your wife? did you listen to your son? did you listen to your husband? did you listen to your daughter? did you listen to your other daughter? did you hear your other son? did you answer you other son? did you hear what your other son said? did you remember to do what your other child asked? did you respond to your other child? did you get the cleats, mitts, baseball/softball bags......? did you? did you ? should have kept your kids home from a movie?
these are the things that go thru my mind......on top of all that is going on....our "man cave" yes....we kicked the kids out a month ago and it hasn't been finished with painting.....they can't really go down there. we had to take out the lights.....i asked one of my kids to go and get me the vacuum and he asked "will i be able to see?" LOL!!!!! we lost a 1/3 of our house... the playroom....for our 7 kids...granted not all seven play down there...but you know what I mean.....it's been hard and we are working thru that.....it has added a lot of stress on us as a family......you should here the comments.....LOL but we have to remember that it's for Marshall......and he so wants this Man Cave.....we will get there...it's one breath at a time and one second at a time.
I go thru high and lows.....hmmmm...could do without the lows...seriously....do I have not enough to deal with? apparently not....who am I to argue.....I am not going to do that....I can do this....I am doing this....and I will do this....anyone who doubts....hell no!!! don't go there. there is no despair....it's what the devil wants and if your like me...you are not going to give him a darn thing to smile about. if anything....I want him to be upset, mad, furious.....pissed, fisted.........and angry bc I/we didn't flee to him during this time! I ain't going there.......neither is anyone else if I have any say in it....you can do it!!!!
Chin up, prayers up, offerings up........love up, understanding up, forgivness up........keep it up! you will and can do it. you can be pissed all you want but what is it good for? where does it get you? pissed and possibly without the ones you love and lonely trying to find a place to live...but no place will have you....bc you are so bitter, angry and ugly....stand up...be proud, and face life like it has faced you.......God is here! He allows things to happen....shut up and go with it!!!!! don't complain...okay, you can cry...I do....my mini seconds.....you can be pissed but be reasonable....don't depress all around you....we all have our problems......I welcome people that come to me to talk about their problems......people are afraid to talk to me about them...but WE ALL HAVE THEM! on different levels.....what my level is may be the same as your level but to you it's a different level...get it.....? I am where I am .... I am not fragile, or going to break!!!!!! I am strong and I will survive.....I want to be there for my friends, but friends won't let me in bc they want to be nice and not burden me.....well, I am burdened with not being burdened! I am burdened with the fact that I can't be a friend anymore bc my child has Cancer.....yes....it's tough...stressfull.....I can handle being a friend still...I want to be a friend still......just don't put a pressure on me like "hey, you want my 11 kids for the week?" things like that......LOL okay, those of you with those kids. ....you know it's a joke and you would never do that......love you all!!!!!!
Just bc we have a child that has Cancer doesn't mean we don't stop living....we still want and need to be needed....we still need to be talked to and listened to....we still need the acceptance that we ask of you......I am fair and what I expect of a friend and what I expect a friend to expect from me!!!!!
I was told AGAIN tonight that I looked like "Mariah Carey" if I can do that.....I can take anything......LOL!!!!! my husband told me when we dated that I looked like her....I never and still don't take it as a compliment.....LOL! okay, I am hard on myself.......don't ask....anyway, no offence to her....or those that compliment me.......let's just say.....I don't like it....LOL!!!!! poor Brian....he is so proud and I wimper.....I love her......believe me....maybe it's bc she looks so much like me that's what I don't like...that's a whole other issue....so don't want to get into that!!!!! Help us all....yes, I am insecure....yes, I don't like compliments.....yes, I can't stand a lot of stuff......I want to be hidden...and funny thing is.....this Cancer.....has brought us out whether we like it or not.....maybe that's it....? but this is not the forum that I created to be discussing this.
Okay, do I delete? does it mean something? it just something simple ? probably....so gonna keep it even though I really don't want to....gonna be bold and let it stick.....
Blessed Giorgio Frassati, and St Peregrine, pray for us
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Scattered
right now my life is like my backyard.....it's got little grass growing...and weeds are coming in and disrupting the grass that was growing. not that my life is depressing, but it's getting scattered....to say the least. okay, just got distracted.....Marshall was playing guitar with a volunteer and we were talking about the song he (Marshall is writing)...shhhhh it's a secret...lol!
But, lets see.....we got Marshall a pint of coffee ice cream and he decided to throw it up by the time i went to put mine in the family freezer...not good. spoke with the attending and they not too worried...yes something to think about and discuss tomorrow morning but right now we will just keep moving...so, literally right after i am having this talk with the doc. i come in the room and he is playing guitar and marshall says "i want subway" okay, i just told the doc that marshall won't eat here....lol! so i told him that i will go down but he has to hit the "bad pump" first before he eats. so he made the deal. i went down in my AGAIN polka dot black and white pants with little white frills at the end, my hair up, no make up, a gray tank top, and a pink thin sweatshirt.......can't forget my LOUD slippers.....so, i am holding my Taco Bell cup (gotta refill it while i can), my wallet, and stuffed a napkin in my pocket with marshall's order...so, i am talking to brian on the phone telling him of the newest event...he wants to eat.....and i ask the subway dude...you closed....he said yes....and said "oh,.......ssssshhhhhooooooot" then he said just kidding...told him that wasn't nice i am just trying to get my child to eat...i laughed he did too....said okay, what would you like...then i asked for white bread..they are out.....said give me wheat i don't care......then he asked if i wanted it toasted....i said crud i don't know so he suggested lets do it lightly toasted...then all happy....bc i didn't know what marshall wanted.....so, i gave him marshall's list of what he wanted on it. he asked if i needed anything else...i said no, he asked what my child was in for.....right after i gave him the credit card...i told him ahe has cancer nd he took it off and gave me my card back and told me that i should just go feed my child he didn't want to charge me.....then i was thankful and told him not to make me cry....and when i asked his name....oh, here i went making an ass of myself....LOL as i was leaving......i said thank you and what is your name....i hear "terry...." i say "terry" no...."terry" so it's "terry"....i laugh and say i can't hear worth crud....."harry" so it's "harry" no "harry"....so "harry" then i get closer and he says "eeeerrrrriccccc" oh "eric" yep.....what's your name..."brigdet"....okay, told him i am not that blonde....LOL! so embarrassing....and i had to srew his name up when he gave me a free foot long.....so, no makeup, loud slippers, hair a mess, mismatched pjs, can't hear.....yep....nice! just want to be normal.....poor guy. hopefully i can go back tomorrow and be normal and hear correctly
so, when i started typing i was all serious and then now look at me. i had this big speal on grass, my life...etc and now it doesn't seem relevant....ok, just like my yard....disrupted not uniform not pretty.....if you saw my yard...it's like a red necks.....embarrassing except i care about it but don't have the time or the means to do anything about it so we ignore it and hope that one day we will look out and see a gorgeous yard or something that doesn't look like it came out of the back yard of a junk yard....so pathetic.....
trying to get him to eat is a joke...now he won't eat...i had a deal and he won't keep it....crap...so, he says he just needs to sniff his "peppermint gauze" and he will be good....so...lets see he still hasn't eaten...LOL so glad i went
well, tonight has been a bust for me and typing....but i will try again later......gotta deal with new issues like why is marshall being put on TamiFlu ....why is it everytime i come here i have to deal with all these outside issues that i know nothing about....LOL
okay, did i mention my brain is scattered? think this pretty much sums it up......was going for something meaningful and this is what i got...LOVE IT
But, lets see.....we got Marshall a pint of coffee ice cream and he decided to throw it up by the time i went to put mine in the family freezer...not good. spoke with the attending and they not too worried...yes something to think about and discuss tomorrow morning but right now we will just keep moving...so, literally right after i am having this talk with the doc. i come in the room and he is playing guitar and marshall says "i want subway" okay, i just told the doc that marshall won't eat here....lol! so i told him that i will go down but he has to hit the "bad pump" first before he eats. so he made the deal. i went down in my AGAIN polka dot black and white pants with little white frills at the end, my hair up, no make up, a gray tank top, and a pink thin sweatshirt.......can't forget my LOUD slippers.....so, i am holding my Taco Bell cup (gotta refill it while i can), my wallet, and stuffed a napkin in my pocket with marshall's order...so, i am talking to brian on the phone telling him of the newest event...he wants to eat.....and i ask the subway dude...you closed....he said yes....and said "oh,.......ssssshhhhhooooooot" then he said just kidding...told him that wasn't nice i am just trying to get my child to eat...i laughed he did too....said okay, what would you like...then i asked for white bread..they are out.....said give me wheat i don't care......then he asked if i wanted it toasted....i said crud i don't know so he suggested lets do it lightly toasted...then all happy....bc i didn't know what marshall wanted.....so, i gave him marshall's list of what he wanted on it. he asked if i needed anything else...i said no, he asked what my child was in for.....right after i gave him the credit card...i told him ahe has cancer nd he took it off and gave me my card back and told me that i should just go feed my child he didn't want to charge me.....then i was thankful and told him not to make me cry....and when i asked his name....oh, here i went making an ass of myself....LOL as i was leaving......i said thank you and what is your name....i hear "terry...." i say "terry" no...."terry" so it's "terry"....i laugh and say i can't hear worth crud....."harry" so it's "harry" no "harry"....so "harry" then i get closer and he says "eeeerrrrriccccc" oh "eric" yep.....what's your name..."brigdet"....okay, told him i am not that blonde....LOL! so embarrassing....and i had to srew his name up when he gave me a free foot long.....so, no makeup, loud slippers, hair a mess, mismatched pjs, can't hear.....yep....nice! just want to be normal.....poor guy. hopefully i can go back tomorrow and be normal and hear correctly
so, when i started typing i was all serious and then now look at me. i had this big speal on grass, my life...etc and now it doesn't seem relevant....ok, just like my yard....disrupted not uniform not pretty.....if you saw my yard...it's like a red necks.....embarrassing except i care about it but don't have the time or the means to do anything about it so we ignore it and hope that one day we will look out and see a gorgeous yard or something that doesn't look like it came out of the back yard of a junk yard....so pathetic.....
trying to get him to eat is a joke...now he won't eat...i had a deal and he won't keep it....crap...so, he says he just needs to sniff his "peppermint gauze" and he will be good....so...lets see he still hasn't eaten...LOL so glad i went
well, tonight has been a bust for me and typing....but i will try again later......gotta deal with new issues like why is marshall being put on TamiFlu ....why is it everytime i come here i have to deal with all these outside issues that i know nothing about....LOL
okay, did i mention my brain is scattered? think this pretty much sums it up......was going for something meaningful and this is what i got...LOVE IT
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