Scans already again?

I don't know what happened but it's scan time again.  I had it in my mind that Marshall wouldn't have them until June, for his two year remission.  I came home from work last Wednesday night.  Everyone was already eating and Brian informed me that Marshall had scans on Monday.  I said no, he has them in June.  He said no, this is three months.  I felt like i got hit in the face with a wall.....I had been telling everyone, JUNE..man, what that does to you emotionally.  It's the quickening of your heart until you hear of the news.  You always have it at the back of your mind...what if?  You know they will be clean, but what if?  You know he is in Our Lord's precious hands, but what if?  We are in better shape than some and worse than others, but still it doesn't take that what if? out of your mind.

Catherine (17) sent me an email of a letter she wanted me to look at that she is going to send to the SIBS Camp (camp for siblings with a sibling with/had cancer or passed away.  They are canceling it this year i guess due to funds.  The kids are all real upset and saddened.  Anyway,  I read her letter and it made me tear up.  What she had to go thru, and deal with because of Marshall.  She grew up even faster because of this because a lot of responsibility was put on her as Brian and I were at the hospital when Marshall was.  Of course, one of us was always home when Marshall was spending the night, but she became a Mother of sorts for that long 9 months of our lives.  We were tough for the kids and Marshall and they were tough for us.  This SIBS camp is a great outlet for the siblings.  They all have something in common.  They all 'get it'  and it's a place where you can scream, cry, laugh, and bond.  Friendships that are so strong and never will be broken even though some of them have only been with eachother for a week.  They still talk via text and i am so grateful for that.  Especially the older ones that really didn't talk much at home.  We did, but none of us REALLY did.  We are put on fronts for eachother.  I hate that they had to go thru that, but I couldn't have picked better children that Our Lord gave me and Brian.  They are strong!  We all have a silent bond with eachother as a family because of this.  It's unspoken but it's there.  I didn't realize it until this morning reading Catherine's letter.

We have moved on, but we are still held back.  We always will and there is nothing wrong with that, i don't even know what it is like anymore to be normal and think like normal people.  I know it will get better...try telling that to my heart that loves my child so damn much!  I can't dwell on "what if?" I will do my best not to today...but I am a mother.

Yesterday being Easter and Our Lord dying on the Cross on Good Friday I always go back to what the Blessed Mother went thru and felt. I can't imagine watching your son die.  I can understand the sorrow of watching your son tortured and brought to his knees. Granted what they did to Our Lord is nothing compared to Marshall, but from a mother's point of view....it's hard to watch and have no control over the situation.

I am blessed to have my son with me to enjoy Easter and the daily routines.  Many mothers don't have their children, they have gotten their "angel wings"  I have nothing to complain about.

I just have been feeling like i needed to write again in my blog.  Life is good, we are all healthy and today the sun is out!!!!! We are alive and all of us were given that chance to be in Heaven for Eternity.  May you live your lives to the fullest and live as Our Lord would want you to.  This life was not meant to be "heaven" and that is pretty obvious....heehee.  I have seven beautiful children and a wonderful husband.  God is good!  Go hug your children today and let them know how much you love them.